Chuckles of the Day... - Page 1243
  1. #18631
    Some Good Ones....


  2. #18632
    Even if you’ve seen this one before, it’s worth repeating…….
    >
    > Heaven or Hell!
    >
    > While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was hit by a bus and died.
    >
    > His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
    >
    > "Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
    >
    >
    > "No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.
    >
    > "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
    >
    > "Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.
    >
    >
    > "I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
    >
    >
    > And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
    >
    >
    > The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
    >
    >
    > In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
    >
    >
    > Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
    >
    >
    > They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne
    >
    >
    > Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.
    >
    >
    > They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.
    >
    >
    > Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
    >
    >
    > The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...”
    >
    >
    > So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
    >
    >
    > "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
    >
    >
    > The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
    >
    >
    > So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...
    >
    >
    > Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
    >
    > He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.
    >
    >
    > The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders
    >
    >
    > "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
    >
    >
    > The devil smiles at him and says,
    > "Yesterday we were campaigning,
    >
    > Today, you voted.."
    >
    >
    > Vote wisely on November 6, 2012
    >
    >


  3. #18633
    Believe it or not, I heard this joke at San Onofre in October 1960. Glad to see it's still alive and well!


  4. #18634
    A Chinaman, a Korean, an Albanian, an Indian, a Congolese, a Columbian, a Mongol, an Australian, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Chilean, a Canadian, a Russian, an Englishman, an Irishman, a Frenchman, a Peruvian, a German, a Lithuanian, a Turk, a Saudi, an Indonesian, a Sengalese, an Egyptian, an Israeli, a Brazilian, a Newfoundlander, a Somalian, a Norwegian, a Syrian, a Nabibian, a Bolivian, a Korean, a Tongan, a Ukrainian, a Japanese, a Micronesian, a New Zealander, a Swede, a Scott, a Nova Scotian, a Japanese, a Spaniard, a Saudi, a Kenyan, a Congolese, a Tibetan, a Samoan, an Antiguan, an Azerbaijani, a Bangladeshi, a Cape Verdean, a Cypriot, an Ethiopian, a Nepalese, a Pole, a Puerto Rican, a Nigerian, an Omani, a Portogee, a Kuwaiti, a Finn and a Mexican all walk into a nice restaurant.

    The Maitre’d stops them and says “I’m sorry, you can’t come in here without a Thai…”


  5. #18635
    OK this motorcycle crash reminds me of those buffers we used to use to clean the floors in the barracks. Anyone ever take one of those for a ride?

    Click to see You Tube Video

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  6. #18636
    Navy Seal quote of the week

    Dana Perrino ( Fox News) describing an interview she recently had with a Navy SEAL. After discussing all the countries he had been sent to, she asked if they had to learn several
    languages?
    His reply:
    "No ma'am, we don't go there to talk."


  7. #18637
    George W Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

    As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

    As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.

    Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a *****house.'

    The second barber turned to Bush and asked, 'How about you sir?'

    Bush replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a *****house smells like.'

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  8. #18638
    Doctor asks pregnant prostitute. "Do you know who the father is?"

    Prostitute replies, "Oh! For goodness sakes, if you ate a can of
    beans would you know which one made you fart?"



  9. #18639
    The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

    Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

    "Very good" said the teacher.

    Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

    "Very good, Jenny" said the teacher.


    Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath .......

    Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.

    "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

    “Toothbrushes" said Little Johnny.

    "Toothbrushes" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

    "I found the busiest corner in town" said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!"

    Then I would say, "It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you something ****ty, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

    Little Johnny got five stars for his efforts, bless his heart.


  10. #18640
    A company was looking to hire someone for an important position so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three retired military people from different parts of the Country.

    In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.

    The question was:

    A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

    After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

    The first from the Air Force, says, "My answer is, there is no answer."

    The second, from the Navy, says, "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given.

    The third one, a Marine says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."

    The Marine got the job !


    You gotta love the Marines.


  11. #18641
    Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

    When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

    He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

    I called him an “*******” . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

    So Kate called him a “**** head”. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

    Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

    Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.


    We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  12. #18642
    Cowboy Purchase

    Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKAGES OF CONDOMS PLEASE.

    Cashier: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?

    Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY.


  13. #18643
    Squad Leader Free Member thewookie's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Ed Palmer View Post
    The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

    Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

    "Very good" said the teacher.

    Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

    "Very good, Jenny" said the teacher.


    Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath .......

    Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.

    "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

    “Toothbrushes" said Little Johnny.

    "Toothbrushes" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

    "I found the busiest corner in town" said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!"

    Then I would say, "It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you something ****ty, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

    Little Johnny got five stars for his efforts, bless his heart.
    thanks


  14. #18644
    Marine Spouse Free Member
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    Quote Originally Posted by acg8276 View Post
    "I think Congressmen should wear


    uniforms,
    you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we

    could
    identify their corporate
    sponsors."





    I LIKE IT!


  15. #18645
    You think you have lived to be 80 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

    An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

    As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

    He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearman's, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

    She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

    The two sat sipping in silence.

    A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

    He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.


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