Chuckles of the Day...

[jp2usmc]

OK this motorcycle crash reminds me of those buffers we used to use to clean the floors in the barracks. Anyone ever take one of those for a ride?

Click to see You Tube Video

[Ed Palmer]

Navy Seal quote of the week

Dana Perrino ( Fox News) describing an interview she recently had with a Navy SEAL. After discussing all the countries he had been sent to, she asked if they had to learn several
languages?
His reply:
"No ma'am, we don't go there to talk."

[jp2usmc]

George W Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same barber shop.

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama in his chair reached for the aftershave.

Obama was quick to stop him saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've been in a *****house.'

The second barber turned to Bush and asked, 'How about you sir?'

Bush replied, 'Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a *****house smells like.'

[Ed Palmer]

Doctor asks pregnant prostitute. "Do you know who the father is?"

Prostitute replies, "Oh! For goodness sakes, if you ate a can of
beans would you know which one made you fart?"

[Ed Palmer]

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good" said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny" said the teacher.


Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath .......

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

“Toothbrushes" said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town" said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!"

Then I would say, "It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you something ****ty, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

Little Johnny got five stars for his efforts, bless his heart.

[David R 1968]

A company was looking to hire someone for an important position so they interviewed dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three retired military people from different parts of the Country.

In an attempt to pick one of them, they decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and the one with the best answer would get the job.

The question was:

A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?

After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.

The first from the Air Force, says, "My answer is, there is no answer."

The second, from the Navy, says, "My answer is, that there is no way to determine the answer with the information we were given.

The third one, a Marine says, "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."

The Marine got the job !


You gotta love the Marines.

[jp2usmc]

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an “*******” . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Kate called him a “**** head”. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.


We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

[SGT RED]

Cowboy Purchase

Cowboy: GIVE ME 3 PACKAGES OF CONDOMS PLEASE.

Cashier: DO YOU NEED A PAPER BAG WITH THAT SIR?

Cowboy: NAH... SHE AIN'T THAT UGLY.

[thewookie]

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good" said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny" said the teacher.


Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath .......

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

“Toothbrushes" said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town" said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!"

Then I would say, "It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you something ****ty, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."

Little Johnny got five stars for his efforts, bless his heart.

thanks

[kay scullion]

"I think Congressmen should wear

uniforms,

you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we

could

identify their corporate

sponsors."

I LIKE IT!

[David R 1968]

You think you have lived to be 80 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearman's, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.

[Ed Palmer]

Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't
ready, with only a few shelves and display racks set up.

One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some old person is
going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."

Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to
the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass. Then in a
loud voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling asx-holes."

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only
two left."

Seniors -- don't mess with them. They didn't get old by being stupid.

[jp2usmc]

During lunch yesterday, I transported my bike home from the shop in my little truck.

I had a Marine Corps League meeting that evening, and I needed to bring in a few remaining boxes from our Toys For Tots campaign.

Rain was in the forecast, the truck has no top, and toys were in the back of the truck.

While donning my motorcycle jacket, I told the wife I'd be coming back after work to get the truck to take the toys in.

"What? You aren't going to bring your girlfriend?" she asked in her sarcastic voice.

"Of course not," I replied. "There's no place to put all those toys."

Probably not that funny, I guess.

[jp2usmc]

AN AUSSIE stockman and his wife had just got married. He’d left everything till the last minute so they found a nice hotel after their wedding and hoped to wing it. The man approached the front desk and said, “We’re on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed.”

The clerk winked and asked, “You want the bridal?”

The drover reflected on this for a moment and replied, “Nah, I reckon not. I’ll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it.”

[awbrown1462]