Chuckles of the Day...

[David R 1968]

ONCE A PUN A TIME

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a park, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome" "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting n an open foyer." !
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[jp2usmc]

Best one in a while, David! :clap:

[David R 1968]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING
IN 2012 when...

1. You accidentally
enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't
played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers
to reach your family of three.

4. You e-mail the person who
works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch
with friends and family is that they
don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your
cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you
carry in the groceries...

7. Every commercial on television
has a web site at the bot tom of the screen

8. Leaving the house without your cell phone,
which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and
you turn around to go and get it

10. You get up in the morning and go on line
before getting your coffee

11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading this and
nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you know exactly
to whom you are going to forward this message.

14. You are too busy
to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list .

[SGT RED]

ATTORNEYS AREN'T SO SMART!

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reebok's.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I
get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last, but not least:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

[David R 1968]

Stuff you didn't know you didn't know!


Men can read smaller
print than women can; women can hear better.


Coca-Cola was originally green.

It is impossible to lick
your elbow.

The State with the
highest percentage of people who walk to work:
Alaska

The percentage of
Africa that is wilderness: 28%
(now get this...)

The percentage of
North America that is wilderness: 38%

The cost of raising
a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:

$ 16,400

The average number
of people airborne over the U.S.
in any given hour:
61,000

Intelligent people
have more zinc and copper in their hair..

The first novel ever
written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco
Cable cars are the only mobile
National Monuments.

Each king in a deck
of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander, the Great

Diamonds - Julius Caesar

111,111,111 x
111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse
has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air,
the person died because of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes

Only two people
signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4,
John Hancock and Charles Thomson.
Most of the rest signed on August 2, but the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace

Q. Most boat owners name their boats.
What is the most popular boat name requested?

A.
Obsession

Q.. If you were to spell out numbers,
how far would you have to go until you
would find the letter 'A'?

A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes,
windshield wipers and laser printers have in common?

A. All were invented
by women.

Q. What is the only
food that doesn't spoil?

A. Honey

Q. Which day are there more collect calls
than any other day of the year?

A. Father's Day

In Shakespeare's time,
mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the
phrase...'Goodnight , sleep tight'

It was the accepted
practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply
his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.
Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month,
which we know today as the honeymoon.

In English pubs, ale
is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when
customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind your pints and quarts, and settle down.' . . .

It's where we get
the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'

Many years ago in
England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked
into the rim, or handle, of their ceramic cups.
When they needed a refill , they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle' is the phrase
inspired by this practice.

At least 75% of
people who read this will try
to lick their elbow!

[EGTSpec]

THIS CABLE GUY HUMOR IS FUNNY... BUT, UNFORTUNATELY, IT'S TRUE!
(THE MAN'S A GENIUS!!!)


Everyone concentrates on the problems we're having in Our Country lately:
Illegal immigration, hurricane recovery, alligators attacking people in Florida...
Not me -- I concentrate on solutions for the problems -- it's a win-win situation.
Dig a moat the length of the Mexican border. Send the dirt to New Orleans to
raise the level of the levees. Put the Florida alligators in the moat along the
Mexican border.

Any other problems you would like for me to solve today?

Think about this:

1. Cows
2. The Constitution
3. The Ten Commandments

COWS:
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic
our government could track a single cow, born in Canada almost three years ago,
right to the stall where she slept in the state of Washington? And, they tracked
her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 11 million illegal aliens
wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

THE CONSTITUTION:
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200
years, and we're not using it anymore.

THE 10 COMMANDMENTS:
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse
is this: you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,'
and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians,
it creates a hostile work environment.

[acg8276]

"I think Congressmen should wear
uniforms,

you know, like NASCAR drivers, so we
could

identify their corporate
sponsors."

[acg8276]

MOVE THE CAR

One winter morning a husband and wife in MINNESOTA were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.
"The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said,
"Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice, that all men who are married to BLOND WOMEN exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

[SGT RED]

MOVE THE CAR

One winter morning a husband and wife in MINNESOTA were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
So the good wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through.
"The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said,
"Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
With the love and understanding in his voice, that all men who are married to BLOND WOMEN exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

Good one!

[David R 1968]

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like
some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit
juice and coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's
this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite.

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl
of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

Again he declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire
for food.

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you
like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a
rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm
still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

[EGTSpec]

THE OFFICIAL TEXAS SHERIFF EXAM


A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6' 2", strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang. He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.

When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff's Department.

After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man's last interview. The Chief Deputy said, "You're a big strong kid and you can really shoot. So far your qualifications all look good, but we have, what you might call, an "Attitude Suitability Test" that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don't let anyone carry our badge, son."
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, "Take this pistol and go out and shoot:
* six illegal aliens,
* six lawyers,
* six meth dealers,
* six Muslim extremists,
* six Democrats, and
* a rabbit."
"Why the rabbit?" queried the applicant.
"Great attitude. You pass," said the Chief Deputy. "When can you start?"

[rickyracer]

Some Good Ones....

[David R 1968]

Even if you’ve seen this one before, it’s worth repeating…….
>
> Heaven or Hell!
>
> While walking down the street one day a Corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was hit by a bus and died.
>
> His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
>
> "Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
>
>
> "No problem, just let me in," says the Senator.
>
> "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
>
> "Really?, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the Senator.
>
>
> "I'm sorry, but we have our rules."
>
>
> And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
>
>
> The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
>
>
> In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
>
>
> Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
>
>
> They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne
>
>
> Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.
>
>
> They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.
>
>
> Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
>
>
> The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, "Now it's time to visit heaven...”
>
>
> So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
>
>
> "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
>
>
> The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
>
>
> So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell...
>
>
> Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
>
> He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.
>
>
> The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders
>
>
> "I don't understand," stammers the Senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
>
>
> The devil smiles at him and says,
> "Yesterday we were campaigning,
>
> Today, you voted.."
>
>
> Vote wisely on November 6, 2012
>
>

[Gary Miner]

Believe it or not, I heard this joke at San Onofre in October 1960. Glad to see it's still alive and well!

[Ed Palmer]

A Chinaman, a Korean, an Albanian, an Indian, a Congolese, a Columbian, a Mongol, an Australian, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Chilean, a Canadian, a Russian, an Englishman, an Irishman, a Frenchman, a Peruvian, a German, a Lithuanian, a Turk, a Saudi, an Indonesian, a Sengalese, an Egyptian, an Israeli, a Brazilian, a Newfoundlander, a Somalian, a Norwegian, a Syrian, a Nabibian, a Bolivian, a Korean, a Tongan, a Ukrainian, a Japanese, a Micronesian, a New Zealander, a Swede, a Scott, a Nova Scotian, a Japanese, a Spaniard, a Saudi, a Kenyan, a Congolese, a Tibetan, a Samoan, an Antiguan, an Azerbaijani, a Bangladeshi, a Cape Verdean, a Cypriot, an Ethiopian, a Nepalese, a Pole, a Puerto Rican, a Nigerian, an Omani, a Portogee, a Kuwaiti, a Finn and a Mexican all walk into a nice restaurant.

The Maitre’d stops them and says “I’m sorry, you can’t come in here without a Thai…”