Chuckles of the Day... - Page 1241
  1. #18601
    A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments.
    "My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
    "Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."
    "I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time, my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
    "What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!"
    "I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
    "My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
    "I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
    I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
    The others nodded in agreement.
    "Well, count your blessings," said a woman cheerfully - - "Thank God we can all still drive."


  2. #18602
    Can you spot the real Jackass




  3. #18603
    A platoon of Army Rangers are walking along a trail. Suddenly, at the top of a ridge, a lone Marine appears.

    "You Rangers are lazy, worthless excuses for soldiers, you're weak, your momma's are weak..." says the Marine to the Rangers. Furious, the platoon leader sends two of his biggest, baddest Rangers up the hill. They hit the Marine, and tumble down to far side of the ridge. Sound of a terrible fight follow, then silence, then the Marine reappears seemingly untouched. He continues his diatribe against the Rangers.

    The Ranger lieutenant orders his first squad up the hill. The eleven Rangers charge up, hit the Marine and go over the ridge. Trees topple, dust clouds rise, and the sounds of battle thunder. After the sounds die away, the Marine reappears, slightly dusty but no worse for wear. He just grins.

    "KILL HIM!" The frustrated LT shouts, and the entire remaining platoon, 25 men, charge up. The mass vanishes over the ridge, and the earth shakes with the sounds of the fight. finally, calm returns and a single, bloody, battered Ranger crawls back over the hill.

    "Private? What the hell happened?" asks the LT.

    "Oh, sir, it was a trap!" the private sobs. "There were two of them."


  4. #18604
    A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization.


    Last week, we took some friends to a new Indian restaurant, 'Muthu's Place,' and noticed that the Indian waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the Indian staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'



    'Well, 'he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'



    As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now..' I was impressed.



    I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the Indian waiter's fly.



    Looking around, I saw that all of the Indian waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'



    'Oh, certainly!' Then the Indian waiter lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.'



    I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'



    'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'


  5. #18605
    Wife Found by Alaska Troopers

    The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim faced Alaska State Troopers.

    "We're sorry Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the troopers.

    "Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkins exclaimed.

    The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

    Fearing the worst, the ashen Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad News first."

    The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

    "Oh my Gosh," exclaimed Wilkins. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

    The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

    Stunned, Mr. Wilkins demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

    The trooper replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow.”

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  6. #18606
    One rainy spring night in Dublin , a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
    Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
    "Where to?" he stammered." Vale Road ," answered the woman.
    "OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
    The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?'"
    "Well lady, replied the driver, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
    The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, “Does this answer your question?"
    Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"


  7. #18607
    Come on, David! The story was just getting good. Don't stop now.

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  8. #18608
    An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

    After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"

    The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."

    So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.

    Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.

    One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Damn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  9. #18609
    John Smith started the day early having set his alarmclock
    (MADE IN JAPAN )
    for 6 am ..





    While his coffeepot


    (MADE IN CHINA)


    was perking, he shaved with his


    electric razor


    (MADE IN HONG KONG)


    He put on a


    dress shirt


    (MADE IN SRI LANKA),




    designer jeans


    (MADE IN SINGAPORE)


    and


    tennis shoes


    (MADE IN KOREA)


    After cooking his breakfast in his new


    electric skillet


    (MADE IN INDIA)


    he sat down with his


    calculator


    (MADE IN MEXICO)


    to see how much he could spend today. After setting his


    watch


    (MADE IN TAIWAN )


    to the radio


    (MADE IN INDIA )


    he got in his car


    (MADE IN GERMANY )


    filled it with GAS


    (from Saudi Arabia )


    and continued his search


    for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.


    At the end of yet another discouraging


    and fruitless day


    checking his


    Computer


    ( made in MALAYSIA ),


    John decided to relax for a while.


    He put on his sandals


    (MADE IN BRAZIL ),


    poured himself a glass of


    wine


    (MADE IN FRANCE )


    and turned on his


    TV


    (MADE IN INDONESIA ),


    and then wondered why he can't


    find a good paying job


    in AMERICA


    AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT


    MADE IN KENYA


  10. #18610
    A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
    'So I hear you're getting married?'
    'Yep!'
    'Do I know her?'
    'Nope!'
    'This woman, is she good looking?'
    'Not really.'
    'Is she a good cook?'
    'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
    'Does she have lots of money?'
    'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
    'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
    'I don't know.'
    'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
    'Because she can still drive!'


  11. #18611

    When you know for sure the honeymoon is over!


    I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went:

    My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, "You are the woman of my dreams; I love you." Then we made passionate love all night long.

    The mistress: Me too! The other night, I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat; under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

    Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Zorro?"


  12. #18612
    A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

    While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

    As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

    The dung was actually thawing him out!

    He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

    Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

    Moral of the story:
    (1) Not everyone who s h i t s on you is your enemy.

    (2) Not everyone who gets you out of s h i t is your friend.

    (3) And when you're in deep s h i t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


  13. #18613

    I have the authority to go wherever I wish!

    A DEA agent stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher points and says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there."

    The DEA agent verbally explodes: "Mister, I have the authority of the federal government behind me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish ... on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

    The rancher nods politely, apologizes and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA agent running for his life while being chased by the rancher's prize bull.

    With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs:

    "Your badge... your badge, show him your BADGE!"


  14. #18614
    Let's Be of One Mind

    There is less than a year until the election, an election that will decide the next President of the United States .

    The person elected will be the president of all Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans.

    To show our solidarity as Americans, let's all get together and show each other our support for the candidate of our choice. It's time that we come together, Democrats, Independents, and Republicans alike.

    If you support the policies and character of the Republican party, please drive with your headlights on during the day.

    If you support Obama, please drive with your headlights off at night.



    Thank you, may God bless you, and God bless America .


  15. #18615
    When the baby was born Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a dozen
    babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screaming.

    In the corner, one baby was lying serenely, cooing and examining his fingers. A
    nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy newborn was theirs.
    "Isn't it wonderful?" Elton asked David. "All these crying brats...and yet our baby is so content.
    This just proves the superiority of gay love!"

    The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the
    pacifier out of his arse...."


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