Chuckles of the Day...

[jp2usmc]

Wife Found by Alaska Troopers

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife", said one of the troopers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?", Wilkins exclaimed.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, the ashen Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad News first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my Gosh," exclaimed Wilkins. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good sized Dungeness crabs clinging to her and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkins demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

The trooper replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow.”

[David R 1968]

One rainy spring night in Dublin , a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
"Where to?" he stammered." Vale Road ," answered the woman.
"OK," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are you looking at?'"
"Well lady, replied the driver, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare."
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said, “Does this answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, "Got anything smaller?"

[jp2usmc]

Come on, David! The story was just getting good. Don't stop now.

[jp2usmc]

An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana and he wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"

The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Marines who were in here earlier saying the same thing."

So the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day and a few hours later came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "those must be the two Marines the guy in town was talking about." Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.

Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort. Then both Marines dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.

One of the Marines then exclaimed, "Damn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"

[David R 1968]

John Smith started the day early having set his alarmclock
(MADE IN JAPAN )
for 6 am ..





While his coffeepot


(MADE IN CHINA)


was perking, he shaved with his


electric razor


(MADE IN HONG KONG)


He put on a


dress shirt


(MADE IN SRI LANKA),




designer jeans


(MADE IN SINGAPORE)


and


tennis shoes


(MADE IN KOREA)


After cooking his breakfast in his new


electric skillet


(MADE IN INDIA)


he sat down with his


calculator


(MADE IN MEXICO)


to see how much he could spend today. After setting his


watch


(MADE IN TAIWAN )


to the radio


(MADE IN INDIA )


he got in his car


(MADE IN GERMANY )


filled it with GAS


(from Saudi Arabia )


and continued his search


for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.


At the end of yet another discouraging


and fruitless day


checking his


Computer


( made in MALAYSIA ),


John decided to relax for a while.


He put on his sandals


(MADE IN BRAZIL ),


poured himself a glass of


wine


(MADE IN FRANCE )


and turned on his


TV


(MADE IN INDONESIA ),


and then wondered why he can't


find a good paying job


in AMERICA


AND NOW HE'S HOPING HE CAN GET HELP FROM A PRESIDENT


MADE IN KENYA

[David R 1968]

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

[SGT RED]

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went:

My engaged friend: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, "You are the woman of my dreams; I love you." Then we made passionate love all night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night, I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat; under it only the black bra, heels and mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. When he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Zorro?"

[David R 1968]

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Moral of the story:
(1) Not everyone who s h i t s on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of s h i t is your friend.

(3) And when you're in deep s h i t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

[SGT RED]

A DEA agent stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher points and says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there."

The DEA agent verbally explodes: "Mister, I have the authority of the federal government behind me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish ... on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The rancher nods politely, apologizes and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA agent running for his life while being chased by the rancher's prize bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs:

"Your badge... your badge, show him your BADGE!"

[Ed Palmer]

Let's Be of One Mind

There is less than a year until the election, an election that will decide the next President of the United States .

The person elected will be the president of all Americans, not just the Democrats or the Republicans.

To show our solidarity as Americans, let's all get together and show each other our support for the candidate of our choice. It's time that we come together, Democrats, Independents, and Republicans alike.

If you support the policies and character of the Republican party, please drive with your headlights on during the day.

If you support Obama, please drive with your headlights off at night.



Thank you, may God bless you, and God bless America .

[Ed Palmer]

When the baby was born Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a dozen
babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screaming.

In the corner, one baby was lying serenely, cooing and examining his fingers. A
nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy newborn was theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" Elton asked David. "All these crying brats...and yet our baby is so content.
This just proves the superiority of gay love!"

The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the
pacifier out of his arse...."

[SGT RED]

NEW GOVERNMENT PROGRAM


Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement, thus creating jobs and reducing unemployment.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (System Covering Retired-Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.

Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much S*** (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of S*** they give our citizens.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough S***, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the S*** you can handle.

Sincerely,

The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)


PS: Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the "light at the end of the tunnel" has been turned off.

[David R 1968]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently," she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - "Is that one word or two?"

[SGT RED]

An 86-year-old, very wealthy man, went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 25 year old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story. "I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day he was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home, and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature. Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle, and muttered to himself… bang, bang. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that, asked the doctor?"

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[Ed Palmer]

I got a new stick deodorant today.
The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.
I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.

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If you have friends who make you laugh,
Spend lots of time with them.
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