Chuckles of the Day... - Page 1228
  1. #18406
    Is it possible that this girl is blonde



    You, who worry about Democrats versus Republicans -- relax, here is our
    real problem.
    In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the
    qualifications to be President of the United States . It was pretty
    simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35
    years of age.

    However, one Senior girl in the class immediately started in on how
    unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her
    opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals
    from becoming president.

    The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit
    the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, "What makes a
    natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one
    born by C-section?"

    Yep, these are the same kinds of 18 plus-year-olds that are now voting
    in our elections! They breed and they walk among us. And we pay for their education.

    Lord -- we need more help than we thought we did! THEY vote AND drive cars !


  2. #18407
    I hope someone in the classroom stood up and clapped for the bimbo.

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  3. #18408
    I hope someone in the classroom stood up and clapped for the bimbo.

    Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
    USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
    PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
    Avoid Sears Home Improvement!

  4. #18409
    Snow White & One Dwarf


    The seven dwarfs always left to go to work in the mine early each morning. As always,
    Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.
    As lunch time approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.
    One day as she arrived at the mine with lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in. Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.
    "Hello... Hello!" she shouted.
    "Can anyone hear me? Hello!"
    For a long while, there was no answer.
    Losing hope, Snow White again shouted,
    "Hello! Is anyone down there?"
    Just as she was about to give up all hope, she heard a faint voice from deep within the mine, singing: "Re-elect Barack Obama, vote for Barack Obama....."
    Snow White fell to her knees and prayed, "Oh, thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive."


  5. #18410
    As we prepare to depart the year 2011 and progress into the year 2012, I want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past 12 months. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

    I no longer open a bathroom door without using a
    paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

    I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

    I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

    I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has
    been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose.

    Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

    I cant touch any woman's purse for fear she has
    placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

    I MUST SEND MY SPECIAL THANKS to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

    ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

    I no longer have any savings because I gave it to
    a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time.

    I no longer have any money, but that will change
    once I receive the $15,000 that BillGates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

    I no longer worry about my soul because I have
    363,214 angels looking out for me, and St Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.

    I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.

    I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.

    I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

    THANKS TO YOU I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and
    make a wish within five minutes.

    BECAUSE OF YOUR CONCERN, I no longer drink
    Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

    I no longer buy gas without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer doesn't crawl in my back
    seat when I'm filling up.

    I no longer drink Pepsi or Fanta since the people who
    make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

    I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.

    AND THANKS FOR LETTING ME KNOW I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face. Disfiguring me for life.

    I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.

    I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will
    drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

    I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.

    And I no longer answer the phone becausesomeone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore , and Ubekistan.

    I no longer buy cookies from Neiman-Marcus since I now have their recipe.

    THANKS TO YOU I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

    AND THANKS TO YOUR GREAT ADVICE I can't ever pick up a .25 cent coin dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.

    I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from all the others supports South American dictators.

    I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.

    If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 p.m tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbors ex-mother-in-laws second husbands cousins best friends beautician . . .

    Oh, by the way.....

    A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy
    study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

    Don't bother taking it off now, its too late.

    P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.


  6. #18411

    Never Forget History

    For*those who don't know much about history… this is an accurate and condensed version:
    __________________________________________________ __________________________________
    

    Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers.They lived on deer in the mountainsduring the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

    The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

    1 . Liberals 
    2. Conservatives.

    Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.Neither the glass bottlenor aluminum canwere invented yet, so while our early humans were sittingaround waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed. 

    Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at nightwhile they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement...

    Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

    Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. They became known as girlie-men. Some note worthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meatand beerthat conservatives provided.

    Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass for obvious reasons.

    Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamersin Hollywood*and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
    Conservatives drink domestic beer,mostly Bud*or Miller or on occasion a double shot of good whisky and a Sam Adams chaser. They eat red meatand still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters,rodeo cowboys,lumberjacks,construction workers,firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. The most manly of the Conservatives became Marines.

    Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

    Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America ..They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

    Here ends today's lesson in world history:

    It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to*angrily respond (perhaps by tearing Kleenex) to the above before forwarding it.

    A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute*truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to **** them off.

    And there you have it.*Let your next action reveal your true self...
    I'm going to have another beer.


  7. #18412
    A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and
    asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.

    She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

    He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
    staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer,
    and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw
    out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.

    Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the
    entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please
    raise your hand?"

    Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

    Two lessons here:

    1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
    2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.


  8. #18413
    Shot my first turkey yesterday. It was awesome.
    I tell you, getting old is so much fun.

    But it did scare the @#*&% out of everyone else in the frozen food section…


  9. #18414
    Some people
    Try to turn back their odometers.
    Not me!
    I want people to know 'why'
    I look this way.
    I've traveled a long way
    And some of the roads weren't paved.


  10. #18415
    I'll drink to that.


  11. #18416
    A distraught senior citizen
    Phoned her doctor's office.
    'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
    'that the medication
    You prescribed has to be taken
    For the rest of my life?'
    'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
    There was a moment of silence
    Before the senior lady replied,
    I'm wondering, then,
    Just how serious is my condition
    Because this prescription is marked
    'NO REFILLS'.'


  12. #18417
    Marine Family Free Member Marinemom32's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by David R 1968 View Post
    Some people
    Try to turn back their odometers.
    Not me!
    I want people to know 'why'
    I look this way.
    I've traveled a long way
    And some of the roads weren't paved.
    Ha! So very true!


  13. #18418
    One of the many things
    No one tells you about aging
    Is that it is such a nice change
    From being young.
    Ah, being young is beautiful,
    But being old is comfortable.
    First you forget names,
    Then you forget faces.
    Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
    It's worse when
    You forget to pull it down.


  14. #18419
    Marine Free Member Sgt Jim's Avatar
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    A friend will aways bail you out of jail,but a good friend will be sitting next to you saying that was fun!!


  15. #18420
    Aging:
    Eventually you will reach a point
    When you stop lying about your age
    And start bragging about it. This is so true. I love
    to hear them say "you don't look that old."
    The older we get,
    The fewer things
    Seem worth waiting in line for.


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