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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
01-03-12, 10:41 AM #18421
Never Forget History
For*those who don't know much about history… this is an accurate and condensed version:
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers.￼They lived on deer￼ in the mountains￼during the summer and would go to the coast￼ and live on fish and lobster in the winter.￼
The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer ￼and the invention of the wheel.￼ The wheel was invented to get man to the beer.￼ These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
1 . Liberals ￼
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture.￼Neither the glass bottle￼nor aluminum can￼were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting￼around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery.￼ That's how villages were formed. ￼
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night￼while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement...
Other men￼ who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ's￼ and doing the sewing,￼ fetching, and hair dressing.￼ This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.￼
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. They became known as girlie-men.￼ Some note worthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats,￼ the invention of group therapy, group hugs,￼ and the concept of Democratic￼ voting to decide how to divide the meat￼and beer￼that conservatives ￼provided.
Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.￼ Liberals are symbolized by the jackass￼ for obvious reasons.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine￼ or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish￼ but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare.. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. ￼Most social workers, ￼personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers￼in Hollywood*and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer,￼mostly Bud*or Miller or on occasion a double shot of good whisky and a Sam Adams chaser. They eat red meat￼and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters,￼rodeo cowboys,￼lumberjacks,￼construction workers,￼firemen, medical doctors, police officers, ￼engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. The most manly of the Conservatives became Marines.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America ..￼They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history:
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to*angrily respond (perhaps by tearing Kleenex) to the above before forwarding it.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute*truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to **** them off.
And there you have it.*Let your next action reveal your true self...
I'm going to have another beer.
01-03-12, 12:38 PM #18422
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and
asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them
staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer,
and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw
out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior.
Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the
entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please
raise your hand?"
Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folk think.
01-03-12, 07:12 PM #18423
Shot my first turkey yesterday. It was awesome.
I tell you, getting old is so much fun.
But it did scare the @#*&% out of everyone else in the frozen food section…
01-03-12, 08:51 PM #18424
Try to turn back their odometers.
I want people to know 'why'
I look this way.
I've traveled a long way
And some of the roads weren't paved.
01-04-12, 02:43 PM #18425
I'll drink to that.
01-04-12, 03:24 PM #18426
A distraught senior citizen
Phoned her doctor's office.
'Is it true,' she wanted to know,
'that the medication
You prescribed has to be taken
For the rest of my life?'
'Yes, I'm afraid so,' the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence
Before the senior lady replied,
I'm wondering, then,
Just how serious is my condition
Because this prescription is marked
01-04-12, 03:24 PM #18427
01-04-12, 05:01 PM #18428
One of the many things
No one tells you about aging
Is that it is such a nice change
From being young.
Ah, being young is beautiful,
But being old is comfortable.
First you forget names,
Then you forget faces.
Then you forget to pull up your zipper.
It's worse when
You forget to pull it down.
01-04-12, 07:00 PM #18429
A friend will aways bail you out of jail,but a good friend will be sitting next to you saying that was fun!!
01-05-12, 08:15 AM #18430
Eventually you will reach a point
When you stop lying about your age
And start bragging about it. This is so true. I love
to hear them say "you don't look that old."
The older we get,
The fewer things
Seem worth waiting in line for.
01-05-12, 08:17 AM #18431
Na. They are being nice. You do look that old.
Joe Pool, Senior Applications Developer
USMC Dates: 880823 - 920823; Final Rank: E-4
PvtShane: "Marines have a high standard, you'll meet it, you have no choice in the matter."
Avoid Sears Home Improvement!
01-05-12, 08:43 AM #18432
01-05-12, 03:56 PM #18433
01-05-12, 08:35 PM #18434
Due To The Learned Wisdom Of Just What Is Worth Waiting In Line For?
01-06-12, 01:20 PM #18435
Kansas House Speaker Mike O’Neal apologized Thursday for Insulting the Grinch & forwarding an email poking fun at first lady Michelle Obama and referring to her as “Mrs. YoMama.”
The Lawrence Journal-World reported Thursday that O’Neal, a Hutchinson Republican, sent the email from his personal account. The email also had a photo comparing Mrs. Obama to the Grinch and the subject line, “Twins separated at birth?”
The photo has been circulating on the Internet and shows Mrs. Obama’s hair being swept by the wind, recalling a drawing of the fictional Dr. Seuss character from the classic Christmas cartoon. In forwarding the email, O’Neal joked that he’d “had worse hair days.”
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