Chuckles of the Day...

[thedrifter]

Want To Go Out?


One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl?" he asked.

Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!"

They had a wonderful evening, and it wasn't until the end of the evening that Dad finally confessed that his question had actually been directed to the family dog, laying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.

[thedrifter]

Warranty Card ...


MCDONNELL DOUGLAS WARRANTY CARD

The following was a page put on the McDonnell Douglas Internet home page by a worker with a sense of humor. The company took exception to it, however...

AIRCRAFT-SPACE SYSTEMS-MISSILES

Important! Important! Please fill out and mail this card within 10
days of purchase.

Thank you for purchasing a McDonnell Douglas military aircraft. In
order to protect your new investment, please take a few moments to
fill out the warranty registration card below. Answering the survey
questions is not required, but the information will help us to
develop new products that best meet your needs and desires.

1. _Mr. _Mrs. _Ms. _Miss _Lt. _Gen. _Comrade _Classified
_Other

First Name

Initial

Last Name

Password

Code Name

Latitude Longitude Altitude

2. Which model aircraft did you purchase? (*** see note at end)

_F-14 Tomcat _F-15 Eagle _F-16 Falcon _F-117A Stealth _Classified

3. Date of purchase: Month: Day: Year:

4. Serial Number:

5. Please check where this product was purchased:

_Received as gift/aid package

_Catalog showroom

_Sleazy arms broker

_Mail order

_Discount store

_Government surplus

_Classified

6. Please check how you became aware of the McDonnell Douglas
product you have just purchased:

_Heard loud noise, looked up

_Store display

_Espionage

_Recommended by friend/relative/ally

_Political lobbying by manufacturer

_Was attacked by one

7. Please check the three (3) factors that most influenced your
decision to purchase this McDonnell Douglas product:

_Style/appearance

_Kickback/bribe

_Recommended by salesperson

_Speed/maneuverability

_Comfort/convenience

_McDonnell Douglas reputation

_Advanced Weapons Systems

_Price/value

_Backroom politics

_Negative experience opposing one in combat

8. Please check the location(s) where this product will be used:

_North America

_Central/South America

_Aircraft carrier

_Europe

_Middle East

_Africa

_Asia/Far East

_Misc. Third World countries

_Classified

9. Please check the products that you currently own or intend to
purchase in the near future:

Product Own Intend to purchase

Color TV

VCR

ICBM

Killer Satellite

CD Player

Air-to-Air Missiles

Space Shuttle

Home Computer

Nuclear Weapon

10. How would you describe yourself or your organization? Check all
that apply:

_Communist/Socialist

_Terrorist

_Crazed

_Neutral

_Democratic

_Dictatorship

_Corrupt

_Primitive/Tribal

11. How did you pay for your McDonnell Douglas product?

_Cash

_Oil revenues

_Deficit spending

_Personal check

_Credit card

_Ransom money

_Traveler's check

12. Occupation You Your Spouse

Homemaker

Sales/marketing

Revolutionary

Clerical

Mercenary

Tyrant

Middle management

Eccentric billionaire

Defense Minister/general

Retired

Student

13. To help us understand our customers' lifestyles, please
indicate the interests and activities in which you and your spouse
enjoy participating on a regular basis:

Activity/Interest You Your Spouse

Golf

Boating/sailing

Sabotage

Running/jogging

Propaganda/disinformation

Destabilization/overthrow

Default on loans

Gardening

Crafts

Black market/smuggling

Collectibles/collections

Watching sports on TV

Wines

Interrogation/torture

Household pets

Crushing rebellions

Espionage/reconnaissance

Fashion clothing

Border disputes

Mutually Assured Destruction

Thanks for taking the time to fill out this questionnaire. Your
answers will be used in market studies that will help McDonnell
Douglas serve you better in the future--as well as allowing you to
receive mailings and special offers from other companies,
governments, extremist groups, and mysterious consortia.

Comments or suggestions about our fighter planes? Please write to:

McDONNELL DOUGLAS CORPORATION
Marketing Department
Military Aerospace Division
P.O. Box 800
St. Louis

[thedrifter]

Warranty Down Under

(From Paul Zucker, Newsbytes News Service

SYDNEY, Australia (NB) -- A friend of Newsbytes swears that the following is a true story:

After buying a PC from a dealer of shady shady repute, the luckless customer unpacked his new toy and plugged it in to find it Dead On Arrival.

Naturally, after checking the usual things, he called the dealer and explained his problem. First question from Deviously Evasive Dealer: "Did you check to see whether the power was on?"

"Of course."

DED: "Did you open the cover and check whether any of the boards had shaken loose in shipping?"

"Of course."

DED: Then why are you calling me?"

"Well, you sold it to me and there has to be some kind of warranty," pleaded the frustrated purchaser.

"Of course there is," replied the DED, "But you voided the warranty when you opened the cover."

Like we said, he swears it's a true story.

[Ed: NewsBytes is available via the Source, Genie, PC-Link & ClariNet]

[thedrifter]

Washington Ballet


There's a very good reason why the ballet is so popular in Washington, D.C.

None of the politicians there are used to seeing people on their toes.

[thedrifter]

Washington D.C.


A teacher asked one of her pupils, "What's the nation's capital?"

The reply was, "Washington D.C."

On being asked what the 'D.C.' stood for, the pupil added, "Dot com!"

[thedrifter]

Watch Your Step!




While driving in Pennsylvania, a family caught up to an Amish carriage.

The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign .....


Energy efficient vehicle.
Runs on oats and grass.
Caution: Do not step on exhaust.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[thedrifter]

The Water Hole


A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor. After he was back on dry ground, he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud day and night."

"Can't," replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."

[Phantom Blooper]

There was a man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 8 miles a day.
One day, he took a look in the mirror and noticed that
he was tanned all over except his "thingie." So he decided to do something about it.

He went to the beach, completely undressed himself and buried himself in the sand, except for his "thingie" which he left sticking up.

Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the "thingie" sticking up over the sand, she began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, "There's no justice in the world."

The other lady asked what she meant.
She said, when I was 20, I was curious about it.
When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I begged for it.
When I was 50, I paid for it.
When I was 60, I prayed for it.
When I was 70, I forgot about it.

Now, I am 80 and the damn things are growing wild on the beach and I'm too old to squat.

[Phantom Blooper]

Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America's shelves this week with "Clinton Soup," in honor of one of the nations' most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.

[Phantom Blooper]

10. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dog

Fight 'Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win

9. I'll Marry You Tomorrow

But Let's Honeymoon Tonight

8. I'm So Miserable Without You

It's Like Having You Here

7. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted

To I'd Be Out Of Prison By Now

6. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend

And I Sure Do Miss Him

5. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger

4. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

3. Her Teeth Was Stained But Her Heart Was Pure

2. She's Looking Better After Every Beer

1. I Haven't Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women,

but I've Sure As Hell Woke Up With A Few.

[thedrifter]

The Wayside Chapel



An English woman, while in Switzerland, looked at several rooms in a large apartment house. She told the schoolmaster who owned the house that she would let him know about renting one of the rooms later. However, after she arrived back at her hotel, the thought occurred to her that she had not asked about the water closet (bathroom). She immediately wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking about the "W.C.", being too bashful to write out the words "water closet." The Swiss schoolmaster, who was far from being an expert in English, did not know what the initials "W.C." meant. He asked the parish priest, and together they decided that it meant Wayside Chapel.The schoolmaster then wrote the following letter to the very surprised woman.

Dear Madame,

I take great pleasure in informing you that the W.C. is located seven miles from the house in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sunday and Thursday only. I recommend that you come early,although there is plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation, especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.

You will no doubt be glad to hear that a good number bring their lunch and make a day of it, while others who can afford it go by car and arrive just in time. I would especially suggest that your ladyship go on Thursday when there is social music. Acoustically, the place is excellent.

It may interest you to know that my daughter was married in the W.C., and it was there she met her husband. I can remember the rush there was for seats.

The newest attraction is a bell donated by a wealthy resident of the district. It rings joyously every time a person enters. A bazaar is to be held to provide plush seats for all, since the people think it is a long-felt need.

My wife is rather delicate and does not go regularly. Naturally, it pains her very much not to attend more often.

If you wish, I shall be glad to reserve the best seat for you where you will be seen by all. Hoping I have been of service to you, I remain,

Sincerely,
[the schoolmaster]

[thedrifter]

Ways to Confuse Santa


Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

While he's in your house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.

Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

While he's in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.

Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!

Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.

Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.

While he's in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.

Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled."

While he's on the roof, yell up to Santa, asking if he'd mind adjusting your TV antenna. When he does so, tell him, "That's good" and don't let him move until the commercials come on.

[thedrifter]

The Weakest Link






Are you the weakest link?

Below are four (4) questions. You have to answer them without delay.
You can't take your time; answer all of them immediately.

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)
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First Question:
You are participating in a race.
You overtake the second person.
What position are you in?
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Answer:
If you answered that you are first, then you are wrong!
If you overtake the second person and you take his place,
you are second!
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(To answer the second question, don't take as much time
as you took for the first question.)

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...?
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Answer:
If you answered that you are second to last,
then you are wrong again. If you were first and
lapped the last person, then you are still first.
(You're not very good at this are you?)
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Third Question: Very tricky math!
Note: This must be done in your head Only.
Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000.
Now add 30. Add another 1000. Now add 20.
Now add another 1000. Now add 10.
What is the total?
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Answer:
Did you get 5000? The correct answer is actually 4100.
Don't believe it? Check with your calculator!
The decimal sequence confuses your brain, which always
jumps to the highest decimals (100's instead of 10's).
Today is definitely not your day. Maybe you will get
the last question right?
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4th Question: Mary's father has five daughters:
Nana, Nene, Nini, Nono. What is the name of the
fifth daughter?
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Answer:
Nunu? Nana? Nene? NONO! Of course not. The fifth
daughter's name is Mary. Read the question again.



How did you do?

[thedrifter]

Webster's Dictionary


(Warning, you are about to enter a pun zone!)

Webster's dictionary editors met to decide how to abridge the new edition.

"We are listing too many old words that no one uses any more, they've got to go," said the chief editor. "It's time we faced the fact that ....








(Get ready)











(Here it comes)













we can't have archaic and edit too."

[thedrifter]

Wedding Anniversary




On our 25th anniversary, my husband took me out to dinner. Our teenage daughters said they'd have dessert waiting for us when we returned. After we got home, we saw that the dining room table was beautifully set with china, crystal and candles, and there was a note that read: "Your dessert is in the refrigerator. We are staying with friends, so go ahead and do something we wouldn't do!"

"I suppose," my husband responded, "we could vacuum."