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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
05-10-11, 01:59 PM #17821
Irish Family Tradition
Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.
'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked deep into Paddy's eyes and said, "Your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen. You were born in August, ya big Dummy.
05-10-11, 02:11 PM #17822
Why British wear Red
A long time ago, when Britain and France were at war. During a battle, the French captured an English major and took him to their headquarters. The French general began to question him. He asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets?"
In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.
And to this day that is why all French Army officers wear brown pants.
05-10-11, 05:03 PM #17823
Selling my stuff when I die
One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other azzhole using my stuff."
She looked at me intently and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another azzhole?"
05-12-11, 12:12 PM #17824
A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. "Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!" I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!" "If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!" So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon. He started running along beside the others about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. It wasn't that effective! After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer. "Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. "Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running." Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?" "Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!" Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?" "Only if it's raining."
05-12-11, 01:05 PM #17825
A good fellow slips into his bedroom trying not to make any noise in a drunken stupor at 4 a.m. He succeeds in not waking his better half and slips off to sleep. 30 minutes later he is awaken by a tall ghostly figure standing in his bedroom. He jumps up and says who the hell are you and what are you doing in my bedroom. The gentleman says I am Saint Peter and your not in your bedroom.
The guy stammers bbbbuuuttt IIII ammm to to young to die. I have bills young kids you have to send me back. St Peter states I can only send you back as a goat or a hen. 5 seconds later he is pecking on the ground at his neighbors farm when a Rooster struts up beside him and says Hey Hey Hey your the new hen huh. He says apparently so then he gets this awful pain in his stomach and says my God what is that? The rooster said your ovulating your about to lay an egg and ploop there it is.
Well he is overwelmed with the feeling of motherhood and can't beleive he can hardly remember his other life and worries and it happens again. He is happy and not worried about his wife kids or bills.
Then the third egg his wife hits him in the back of the head and screams Pete wake up you are crapping in the bed!
05-12-11, 05:18 PM #17826
Three rotten old Grandmas were sitting
on a bench outside a nursing home when
a Grandpa walked by. And one of the Grandmas yelled out,
'We bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'
The old man said, 'There is no way you can
guess it, you old fools.'
One of the old Grandmas said, 'Sure we can!
Just drop your pants and under shorts
and we can tell your exact age..'
Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove
they couldn't do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around
a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.
Then they all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years old!'
Standing with his pants down around his ankles,
the old gent asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'
Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear,
the three old ladies happily yelled in unison - -
'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'
05-13-11, 05:26 AM #17827
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, "I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling."
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked, "What are you selling' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling azz-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "Must be doing well...only two left."
Seniors -- don't mess with them!
05-13-11, 11:16 AM #17828
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walk, they come across a sign: "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering!" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
" First Place !" said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign:
"Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour, he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a sign:
"Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is Obama?" asked Pinocchio.
05-15-11, 02:34 PM #17829
That's right !!! Who's Daddy now!!!
05-15-11, 08:13 PM #17830
I admit I got this in an email but it made me smile. A few of you come to mind as I read this (not me though)
Drafting men over 60----this is funny &
obviously written by a Former Soldier-
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces think I'm too
old to track down terrorists. You can't be older
than 42 to join the military. They've got the
whole thing backwards. Instead of sending
18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us
old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a
military unit until you're at least 35.
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think
about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think
about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us
more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to
concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven't lived long enough to be
cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous
soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm
tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe
letting us kill some idiot that desperately
deserves it will make us feel better and shut us
up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up
before 10 a..m. Old guys always get up early to
pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm
tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up,
I may as well be up killing some fanatical
If captured we couldn't spill the beans because
we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name,
rank, and serial number would be a real
Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're
used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're
used to soft food. We've also developed an
appreciation for guns. We've been using them for
years as an excuse to get out of the house.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course
however. I've been in combat and didn't see a
single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the
side, nor did I ever do any pushups after
completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of
energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him.
He's still learning to shave, to start up a
conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't
figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to
shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at
home to learn a little more about life before
sending them off into harm's way.
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten
coward Muslim terrorists. The last thing an
enemy would want to see is a couple of million
pi&&ed off old fools with attitudes and
automatic weapons who know that their best years
are already behind them..
How about recruiting Women over 50 ......in
menopause! You think Men have attitudes! Ohhhhhh
my God! If nothing else, put them on border
patrol.... They'll have it secured the first
night! (And we won't have to hear "Press 1 for
05-16-11, 06:46 PM #17831
Three ladies all have separate boyfriends named Larry. One evening, while sharing a few drinks at the bar, one of the ladies suggests,
'Let's name our Larry�s after a soft drink, because I'm tired of getting my Larry mixed up with your Larry, and her Larry mixed up with your Larry.'
The other two ladies agree.
The first lady speaks out, 'Okay then, I'm gonna name my Larry " 7 Up" because he has 7" and it's always up!'
The three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other high fives.
Then, the second lady says, 'I'm gonna name my Larry "Mountain Dew" because he can mount and do me any day of the week.'
Again, the three ladies hoot and holler, and slap each other more high fives.
The third lady then says, 'You know, those two Larrys were good, but I'm gonna name my Larry "Jack Daniels".'
The other two ladies shout in unison, "'Jack Daniels"? That's not a soft drink... that's a hard liquor!'
The third lady replies, 'That's my Larry!'
05-17-11, 08:55 AM #17832
A little Boy visits a ***** house
A little boy about 10 years old was walking down the sidewalk,
dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He came up to the
doorstep of a ***** house and knocked on the door.
When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.
He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the
money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she
told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"
Of course, the Madam said, "No!"
He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after
making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it,
the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed
down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the
Madam, and headed out the door!
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in
the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents
are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with a
baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me
because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will
then get the disease that I just caught.
When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the
way, he'll jump the baby-sitter's bones, and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to
bed and have sex, and Mom will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the
milk, have a quickie with Mom and catch the disease, and HE'S the
son-of-a-bitoch who ran over my FROG!"
05-17-11, 10:19 AM #17833
Have You Heard?
An explosion killed a wild-living Navy boilerman and he found himself in hell. Being used to stoking fires and extremely hot temperatures, he found hell actually quite comfortable. When Satan went to check out the new arrival, he found him sitting in his room smiling.
"You like this?", Satan asked. "Yes, sir", said the sailor, "this feels like a spring day to me." Not wanting the new guy to be too comfortable, Satan turned up the heat a bit. When he went back the next day to see how his new arrival was doing, the sailor was still happy; he hadn`t even broken a sweat. "I like this kind of weather", he told Satan.
For the next few days in a row, Satan again turned up the heat, but each day the Sailor looked as comfortable as ever. Finally, Satan decided to try something different. Rather than turn up the heat even more, he turned it off. Icicles formed in the sailor`s room! When he checked on the guy, the room was icy and he was shivering, but he had a grin from ear to ear, bigger than ever. Satan was exasperated! "Why are YOU so happy?" he demanded from the sailor. "It`s FREEZING in here!" "Well, I`m from Denver," said the sailor. "And evidently the Broncos just won the Super Bowl!"
05-17-11, 12:39 PM #17834The Recession has hit everybody.....
I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Wives are having sex with their husbands because they can't afford batteries.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen..
A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.
I saw a Mormon polygamist with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America .
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
The Treasure Island Casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
05-17-11, 12:52 PM #17835
History of the condom
In 1572, the Arabs invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine.
In 1873, the British somewhat refined the idea by taking the intestine out of the goat first.
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