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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
05-02-11, 12:34 PM #17806
Maids Salary Increase
A maid asked for a pay increase. The wife had no intention of paying more and decided to talk to her about the raise.
Wife: ‘Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?’
Maria: ‘Well, Mam, there are THREE REASONS why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.’
Wife: ‘Who said you iron better than me?’
Maria: ‘Your husband say so.’
Maria: ‘The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.
Wife: ‘Nonsense, who said you are a better cook than me?’
Maria: ‘Your husband did.’
Maria: ‘The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.
Wife: (really furious now) ‘Ah! Did my husband say that as well?’
Maria: ‘No Mam… Your driver says’.
Wife: ‘Ok Ok, So how much do you want?’
05-02-11, 12:49 PM #17807
More Fun FactsIn 1836 the U.S. government had so much money that it repaid all its debts, and still had money .
In 1865 opium was grown in the state of Virginia and a product was distilled to 4 percent morphine.
In 1900, coffee was often delivered door-to-door in the United States, by horse-pulled wagons.
05-02-11, 12:54 PM #17808
Winter is here!!
Our native birds will soon be finding food scarce. So please go to the pet shop and buy couple of bags of nuts for our feathered friends.
And remember - there is no finer sight than a pair of tits on your nut sack.
(Tit is short for TITMOUSE)
you do know it's a bird dont you?
05-03-11, 06:59 PM #17809
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted.
One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records
of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day wasn't a good one. "I came home early and found my wife naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the
shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower
and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and
found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips.
I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a
flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by
some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I
found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over.
It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress
got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and
died. The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on
the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled
off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out
on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I
looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to
crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by
the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he
directs the man to the next room.
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day
was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."
"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest......."
05-04-11, 05:21 PM #17810
The interview went as follows:
"I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"
Farmer, staring at the reporter said:
"Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"
Reporter (obviously embarrassed):
"Well, sir, that's a new piece of information.
But what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"
Farmer, continuing said:
"And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"
"Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"
"I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day, and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"
05-05-11, 02:24 PM #17811
05-06-11, 07:02 AM #17812
Off topic but have you heard about the new bar drink called a Bin Laden?
Two shots and a splash of water!
05-06-11, 09:23 AM #17813
These will make you groan!
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table
was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from
too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan
Island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
No matter how much you push the envelope,
it'll still be stationery.
05-06-11, 02:53 PM #17814
A plane crashed in the middle of rural Tennessee.
Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force.
When they got there, the disaster was clear.
The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone.
They spotted a lone farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened.
They hurried over to the man's tractor.
"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?".
"Yep. Sure did." the farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting off the tractor's engine.
"Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States?"
"Were there any survivors?"
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning.."
"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff shouted.
"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.
"He kept a-saying he wasn't... But you know how bad that sum***** lies."
05-09-11, 06:32 PM #17815
My New Doctor
I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous! She could sense I was embarrassed, but she said,
"Don't worry, I'm a Professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out myself."
I said, "my wife claims my d*ck tastes funny..."
05-10-11, 07:42 AM #17816
The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.
“No way! No needles. I hate needles” the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.
“I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
“No objection,” the patient says. “'I'm fine with pills.”
The dentist then returns and says, “Here's a Viagra.”
The patient says, “Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!”
“It doesn't” said the dentist, “but it's going to give you something to hold
on to when I pull your tooth."
05-10-11, 07:51 AM #17817
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your azz hole before prison..................
05-10-11, 01:59 PM #17818
Irish Family Tradition
Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned! Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.
'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked deep into Paddy's eyes and said, "Your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen. You were born in August, ya big Dummy.
05-10-11, 02:11 PM #17819
Why British wear Red
A long time ago, when Britain and France were at war. During a battle, the French captured an English major and took him to their headquarters. The French general began to question him. He asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets?"
In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.
And to this day that is why all French Army officers wear brown pants.
05-10-11, 05:03 PM #17820
Selling my stuff when I die
One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other azzhole using my stuff."
She looked at me intently and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another azzhole?"
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