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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
04-30-11, 06:40 AM #17806
Mississippi Debutante Ball
A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a wealthy plantation owner:
'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be excellent dancers, as they will be the escorts of lovely refined young ladies.
One last point: No Italians please!!
Sending a written message by his own yeoman, the captain replied: 'Madam, thank you for your invitation. In order to present the widest possible knowledge base for polite conversation, I am sending four of my best and most prized officers. One is a lieutenant commander, and a graduate of Annapolis with an additional Masters degree from MIT in fluid technologies and ship design. The second is a Lieutenant, one of our helicopter pilots, and a graduate of Northwestern University in Chicago , with a BS in Aeronautical Engineering. His Masters Degree and PhD in Aeronautical and Mechanical Engineering are from Texas Tech University and he is also an astronaut candidate. The third officer is also a lieutenant, with degrees in both computer systems and information technology from SMU and he is awaiting notification on his Doctoral Dissertation from Cal Tech. Finally, the fourth officer, also a lieutenant commander, is our ship’s doctor, with an undergraduate degree from the University of Georgia and his medical degree is from the University of North Carolina . We are very proud of him, as he is also a senior fellow in Trauma Surgery at Bethesda .' Upon receiving this letter, Melinda’s mother was quite excited and looked forward to Thursday with pleasure. Her daughter would be escorted by four handsome naval officers without peer (and the other women in her social circle would be insanely jealous).
At precisely 8:00 PM on Thursday, Melinda's mother heard a polite rap at the door which she opened to find, in full dress uniform, four handsome, smiling BLACK officers. Her mouth fell open, but pulling herself together, she stammered, "There must be some mistake.”
"No, Madam," said the first officer. "Captain MARTINO never makes mistakes."
04-30-11, 03:40 PM #17807
Have You Heard?
Sergeant Clark was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Rogers noticed that Sergeant Clark had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Clark's sales pitch. Clark explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government only has to pay a maximum of $6000."
"Now", he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
05-01-11, 02:17 PM #17808
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD
HOPE THIS MAKES YOU SMILE
THE MOST FUNCTIONAL ENGLISH WORD...
Well, it's sh*t... That's right, sh*t!
Sh*t is without question the most functional word in the English language.
You can smoke sh*t, buy sh*t, sell sh*t, lose sh*t, find sh*t, forget sh*t, And tell others to eat sh*t.
Some people know their sh*t, while others can't tell the difference
Between sh*t and shinola.
There are lucky sh*ts, dumb sh*ts, and crazy sh*ts.
There is bull sh*t, horse sh*t, and chicken sh*t.
You can throw sh*t, sling sh*t, catch sh*t,
Shoot the sh*t, or duck when the sh*t hits the fan
You can give a sh*t or serve sh*t on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep sh*t or be happier than a pig in sh*t.
Some days are colder than sh*t, some days are hotter than sh*t,
And some days are just plain sh*tty.
Some music sounds like sh*t, things can look like sh*t,
And there are times when you feel like sh*t.
You can have too much sh*t, not enough sh*t,
The right sh*t, the wrong sh*t or a lot of weird sh*t.
You can carry sh*t, have a mountain of sh*t,
Or find yourself up sh*t's creek without a paddle.
Sometimes your breath smells like sh*t
Sometimes everything you touch turns to sh*t
And other times you fall in a bucket of sh*t
And come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts,
it's the basic building block of the English language.
And remember, once you know your sh*t,
You don't need to know anything else!!
You could pass this along, if you give a sh*t;
Or not do so if you don't give a sh*t!
Well, Sh*t, it's time for me to go.
Just wanted you to know that I do give a sh*t
And hope you had a nice day without a bunch of sh*t..
But, if you happened to catch a load of sh*t
From some sh*t-head...........
Well, Sh*t Happens!!!
HOPE YOUR SH*TTY DAYS ARE FEW AND FAR BETWEEN
Oh, and some days you can't sh*t!
05-02-11, 12:34 PM #17809
Maids Salary Increase
A maid asked for a pay increase. The wife had no intention of paying more and decided to talk to her about the raise.
Wife: ‘Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?’
Maria: ‘Well, Mam, there are THREE REASONS why I want an increase.
The first is that I iron better than you.’
Wife: ‘Who said you iron better than me?’
Maria: ‘Your husband say so.’
Maria: ‘The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.
Wife: ‘Nonsense, who said you are a better cook than me?’
Maria: ‘Your husband did.’
Maria: ‘The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in bed.
Wife: (really furious now) ‘Ah! Did my husband say that as well?’
Maria: ‘No Mam… Your driver says’.
Wife: ‘Ok Ok, So how much do you want?’
05-02-11, 12:49 PM #17810
More Fun FactsIn 1836 the U.S. government had so much money that it repaid all its debts, and still had money .
In 1865 opium was grown in the state of Virginia and a product was distilled to 4 percent morphine.
In 1900, coffee was often delivered door-to-door in the United States, by horse-pulled wagons.
05-02-11, 12:54 PM #17811
Winter is here!!
Our native birds will soon be finding food scarce. So please go to the pet shop and buy couple of bags of nuts for our feathered friends.
And remember - there is no finer sight than a pair of tits on your nut sack.
(Tit is short for TITMOUSE)
you do know it's a bird dont you?
05-03-11, 06:59 PM #17812
All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted.
One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records
of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day wasn't a good one. "I came home early and found my wife naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the
shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower
and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and
found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips.
I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a
flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by
some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I
found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over.
It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress
got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and
died. The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on
the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled
off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out
on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I
looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to
crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by
the chest." The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he
directs the man to the next room.
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says "I doubt that your last day
was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."
"I don't know" replies the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest......."
05-04-11, 05:21 PM #17813
The interview went as follows:
"I am here to collect information on the possible sources of Mad Cow Disease. Can you offer any reason for this disease?"
Farmer, staring at the reporter said:
"Do you know that a bull mounts a cow only once a year?"
Reporter (obviously embarrassed):
"Well, sir, that's a new piece of information.
But what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow disease?"
Farmer, continuing said:
"And, madam, do you know that we milk a cow twice a day?"
"Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?"
"I am getting to the point, madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits twice a day, and only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you get mad?"
05-05-11, 02:24 PM #17814
05-06-11, 07:02 AM #17815
Off topic but have you heard about the new bar drink called a Bin Laden?
Two shots and a splash of water!
05-06-11, 09:23 AM #17816
These will make you groan!
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table
was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from
too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan
Island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
No matter how much you push the envelope,
it'll still be stationery.
San Diego Platoon 1127
Regimental Weapons Co.
4th Marines, 1st Provisional Marine Brigade
6th Marine Division
05-06-11, 02:53 PM #17817
A plane crashed in the middle of rural Tennessee.
Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force.
When they got there, the disaster was clear.
The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.
The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but could find no remains of anyone.
They spotted a lone farmer plowing a field not too far away as if nothing had happened.
They hurried over to the man's tractor.
"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of breath. "Did you see this terrible accident happen?".
"Yep. Sure did." the farmer mumbled unconcernedly, cutting off the tractor's engine.
"Do you realize that is the airplane of the President of the United States?"
"Were there any survivors?"
"Nope. They's all kilt straight out," the farmer answered. "I done buried them all myself. Took me most of the morning.."
"President Obama is dead?" the sheriff shouted.
"Well," the farmer grumbled, restarting his tractor.
"He kept a-saying he wasn't... But you know how bad that sum***** lies."
05-09-11, 06:32 PM #17818
My New Doctor
I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous! She could sense I was embarrassed, but she said,
"Don't worry, I'm a Professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out myself."
I said, "my wife claims my d*ck tastes funny..."
05-10-11, 07:42 AM #17819
The female dentist pulls out a numbing needle to give the man a shot.
“No way! No needles. I hate needles” the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects.
“I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on suffocates
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
“No objection,” the patient says. “'I'm fine with pills.”
The dentist then returns and says, “Here's a Viagra.”
The patient says, “Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!”
“It doesn't” said the dentist, “but it's going to give you something to hold
on to when I pull your tooth."
05-10-11, 07:51 AM #17820
Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope. The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?" "Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever." "Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "
"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs." "That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"
"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever." "Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?" "Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your azz hole before prison..................
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