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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
03-23-11, 08:35 AM #17716
03-23-11, 04:05 PM #17717
SMART ASS ANSWER
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'
03-23-11, 04:22 PM #17718
History's top 10 times for appropriate Use of the F-word:
10th - "Scattered f***ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
9th - "How the f*** did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC
8th - "You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
7th - "Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877
6th - "It does so f***ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
5th - "Where the f*** are we?" – Amelia Earhart, 1937
4th - "Any f***ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
3rd - "What the f*** was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945
2nd - "I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963
AND ... Drum roll please ....
The Number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word .......
"Aw c'mon. Who the f*** is gonna find out?" - Tiger Woods, 2009
03-23-11, 09:52 PM #17719
what did the farmer say when his cat got ran over by a steam roller? HE DIDNT SAY ANYTHING BUT HE SURE HAD A LONG PUSS
STEPHEN DOC HANSEN HM3 FMF
03-28-11, 08:43 AM #17720
Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"
"My father said it'd be a good idea, Sir."
"Oh? And what does your father do?"
"He's in the Marines, Sir."
03-28-11, 08:50 AM #17721
Old Folks Texting Codes
ATD At the Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Fell
BTW: Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CMB: Covered by Medicare
CUATSC: See you at the Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWIW: Forgot Where I was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
IMHO Is My Hearing Aid On
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures out
LOL: Living on Lipitor
OMSG: Oh My Sorry, Gas
ROFL.CGU Rolling on the floor Laughing and Can't get UP
SGGP: Sorry Gotta go Poop
TTYL; Talk to You Louder
WTP: Where's the prunces
GGLKI Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
03-28-11, 08:50 AM #17722
03-28-11, 09:03 AM #17723
Were You "Cool" in High School?
This test is based on how cool you were in High School...
What crowd you ran with, what car you drove, who you dated, etc.
It's pretty accurate.
You may want to send it to your friends to see if they've changed.
03-28-11, 10:21 AM #17724
that is until you get a promotion then it is his turn
03-28-11, 11:26 AM #17725
Will I Live to see 90?
Here's something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After
two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for
my age. (I just turned fifty-five).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued Ribs?
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that
all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing
golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a crap?
03-28-11, 11:34 AM #17726
The risks of an eBay purchase
USE CAUTION WHEN ORDERING ON EBAY !!!!!!!
Spent $50 on eBay for a penis enlarger.
Bustards sent me a magnifying glass..
03-28-11, 12:09 PM #17727
SAD NEWS - Please join me in remembering YET ANOTHER great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Dough Boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Dough Boy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the Oven. Services were held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
03-28-11, 12:09 PM #17728
The doctor and the Texas midget
The testicles of a Texas midget hurt and ached almost all the time. The midget
went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop
his pants and he would have a look.
The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table,
and started to examine him. The doctor put one finger under his left testicle and
told the midget to turn his head and cough, the usual method to check for a hernia.
"Hmm..." mumbled the doctor, and as he put his finger under the right testicle, he
asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor, and reached for his surgical
scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side, then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side.
The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the
snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining
room to see if his testicles still hurt.
The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his testicles
were no longer aching.
The doctor said, "How does that feel now?" The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I
didn't even feel it. What did you do?"
The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots."
03-29-11, 09:13 AM #17729
A. Back off and let those men who want to marry men, marry men
B. Allow those women who want to marry women, marry women.
C. Allow those folks who want to abort their babies, abort their babies.
D. In three generations, there will be no Democrats.
Dang - I love it when a plan comes together.
03-31-11, 09:39 AM #17730
Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions. One said,
"I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
I don't think I have ever heard of that one, said the other cowboy. "What is it?"
Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from behind.
Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands andwhisper in her ear,
'Boy, these feel just like your sister's.'
Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds."
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