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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
03-23-11, 05:25 AM #17716
A young woman goes to her doctor's office, afraid of the strange development on the inside of her thighs . . . a green spot on the inside of each.
"They won't wash off, they won't scrape off and they seem to be getting worse."
The doctor assures her he'll get to the bottom of the problem, and tells her not to worry until the tests come back.
A few days later, the woman's phone rings. Much to her relief, it's the doctor. She immediately begs to know what's causing the spots.
The doctor says, "You're perfectly healthy. There's no problem. But, I'm wondering, is your boyfriend a Harley guy?"
The woman stammers, "Why, yes, but how did you know?"
"Tell him his earrings are not real gold."
03-23-11, 06:03 AM #17717
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the back with a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands." "Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem.""Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the damn tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds!
Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
03-23-11, 07:06 AM #17718
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. The bartender says oh no, not another alligator joke and the guy orders a beer and says uh uh, this one's different. I can pry his jaws open and exactly 21 seconds later they will snap shut. Never one second early or late, exactly 21 seconds.
So the bartender starts taking bets from all the patrons, and the guy is soon rolling in money won. He gets so confident he puts his arm in the alligator's open mouth, pulls it out after 20 seconds, bam, the jaws spring shut one second later, right on time.
To really show his confidence he stands up, whips it out, puts it right in the alligator's open jaws, looks at the audience, smiles, jumps back at 20 seconds, one second later, bam, the jaws shut tightly.
He says to the audience, "anyone else want to try that?"
And an old drunk at the back of the barroom hollers out: "I sure would, but I don't know if I can keep my mouth open that long!"
03-23-11, 07:35 AM #17719
03-23-11, 03:05 PM #17720
SMART ASS ANSWER
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?'
The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead...'
03-23-11, 03:22 PM #17721
History's top 10 times for appropriate Use of the F-word:
10th - "Scattered f***ing showers, my ass!" - Noah, 4314 BC
9th - "How the f*** did you work that out?" - Pythagoras, 126 BC
8th - "You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?" - Michelangelo, 1566
7th - "Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?" - Custer, 1877
6th - "It does so f***ing look like her!" - Picasso, 1926
5th - "Where the f*** are we?" – Amelia Earhart, 1937
4th - "Any f***ing idiot could understand that." - Einstein, 1938
3rd - "What the f*** was that?" - Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945
2nd - "I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the head!" - JFK, 1963
AND ... Drum roll please ....
The Number 1 most appropriate time for using the "F" word .......
"Aw c'mon. Who the f*** is gonna find out?" - Tiger Woods, 2009
03-23-11, 08:52 PM #17722
what did the farmer say when his cat got ran over by a steam roller? HE DIDNT SAY ANYTHING BUT HE SURE HAD A LONG PUSS
STEPHEN DOC HANSEN HM3 FMF
03-28-11, 07:43 AM #17723
Having passed the enlistment physical, Jon was asked by the doctor, "Why do you want to join the Navy, son?"
"My father said it'd be a good idea, Sir."
"Oh? And what does your father do?"
"He's in the Marines, Sir."
03-28-11, 07:50 AM #17724
Old Folks Texting Codes
ATD At the Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Fell
BTW: Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CMB: Covered by Medicare
CUATSC: See you at the Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWIW: Forgot Where I was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
IMHO Is My Hearing Aid On
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures out
LOL: Living on Lipitor
OMSG: Oh My Sorry, Gas
ROFL.CGU Rolling on the floor Laughing and Can't get UP
SGGP: Sorry Gotta go Poop
TTYL; Talk to You Louder
WTP: Where's the prunces
GGLKI Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In
03-28-11, 07:50 AM #17725
03-28-11, 08:03 AM #17726
Were You "Cool" in High School?
This test is based on how cool you were in High School...
What crowd you ran with, what car you drove, who you dated, etc.
It's pretty accurate.
You may want to send it to your friends to see if they've changed.
03-28-11, 09:21 AM #17727
that is until you get a promotion then it is his turn
03-28-11, 10:26 AM #17728
Will I Live to see 90?
Here's something to think about.
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After
two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for
my age. (I just turned fifty-five).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't
resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued Ribs?
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that
all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing
golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said...
He looked at me and said,.. 'Then, why do you even give a crap?
03-28-11, 10:34 AM #17729
The risks of an eBay purchase
USE CAUTION WHEN ORDERING ON EBAY !!!!!!!
Spent $50 on eBay for a penis enlarger.
Bustards sent me a magnifying glass..
03-28-11, 11:09 AM #17730
SAD NEWS - Please join me in remembering YET ANOTHER great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Dough Boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes to the belly. He was 71. Dough Boy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children, John Dough, Jane Dough, and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the Oven. Services were held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.
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