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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
02-28-11, 03:43 PM #17686
Moral of the Story
A 3rd grade teacher asked her class to think of a life experience and then give a moral to their personal story.
Little Mary says;My parents are chicken farmers and the hens layed 30 eggs. We put the eggs in a basket to take them to the market and we dropped them and they all broke.
The teacher asks so what's the moral of your story, Mary?
Mary says, Don't put all your eggs in one basket.
Very good Mary says the teacher.
Now Sally tells her story .
My Mom and Dad are chicken farmers too.
But they raise baby chicks.
Our hens layed 30 eggs but only 15 hatched.
The teacher says, What's the moral of your story sally?
Sally replies Don't count Your chickens before they hatch.
Very good Sally.
Now dirty Johnny is ready with his story.
My Dad is a Marine over in Afghanistan and he was out on patrol . All he had was his M-16 a bayonet and a bottle of Jack Daniels.
He came upon a group of insurgents.
Before he engaged he drank the bottle of Jack.
Then he shot half of them with his M-16 stabbed all but one with the bayonet then broke the empty bottle of Jack and stabbed the last one with the broken bottle!!!
The teacher says Boy Johnny I am really impressed wwith your story but what could possibly be the moral?
Dirty Johnny replies "Don't **** with my Dad when He's been Drinking"!!!
SEMPER FI !!!
03-01-11, 07:36 AM #17687
Married life in the Jungle
03-01-11, 08:11 AM #17688
03-01-11, 09:16 AM #17689
Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.
"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.
Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".
Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.
It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".
Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.
"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.
A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.
Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For God’s sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.
His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"
He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.
"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.
"Here boy" he replies.
Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.
"What the hell you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.
"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.
"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".
An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."
03-01-11, 03:03 PM #17690
03-01-11, 04:35 PM #17691
03-02-11, 12:27 PM #17692
Sex On Mars
The year is 2222 and Charlie and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles.
They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Charlie asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.
Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.
'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.
The Martian responds, 'Pretty much the way you do.'
A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another.. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member about half an inch long and just a quarter-inch thick.
'I don't think this is going to work,' says Maureen.
'Why?' he asks. 'What's the matter?'
'Well,' she replies, 'it's just not long enough to reach me!'
'No problem,' he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.
'Well,' she says, 'that's quite impressive, but it is still narrow.'
'No problem,' he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
'Wow!' she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their other partners and go their separate ways. As they walked along, Charlie asks, 'Well, was it any good?'
'I hate to say it,' says Maureen, 'but it was wonderful. How about you?'
'It was horrible,' he replies. 'All I got was a headache . She kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.'
03-04-11, 09:38 AM #17693
Annual Dementia Test
Our Yearly Dementia Test
It's that time of year for us to take our annual senior citizen test.
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert. If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge how your memory compares to the last test. Some may think it is too easy but the ones with memory problems may have difficulty. Take this test to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces below are so you don't see the answers until after you've answered them.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer: 'bread.' If you said 'toast' give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say 'silk' five times. Now spell 'silk.' What do cows drink?
Answer: Cows drink water. If you said 'milk' don't attempt the next question. Your brain is over-stressed and may even overheat. Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said 'water', proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said 'green bricks,' why are you still reading these???
If you said 'glass,' go on to Question 4.
4. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to
Milford Haven in Wales . In London , 17 people get on the bus.
In Reading , 6 people get off the bus and 9 people get on.
In Swindon , 2 people get off and 4 get on.
In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea , 3 people get off and 5 people get on.
In Carmathen, 6 people get off and 3 get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven.
Without scrolling back to review, how old is the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own age?
It was YOU driving the bus!!
If you pass this along to your friends, pray they do better than you.
PS: 95% of people fail most of the questions!!
03-06-11, 08:56 AM #17694
OH HELL!! ... Let's Offend Everybody!
OH HELL!! ... Let's Offend Everybody!
Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A. A different bar.
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong .
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.
Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek ?
A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.
Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on Mondays,
Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.
Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'
Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???
A. A northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins, ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****.'
Q. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States
03-06-11, 09:48 AM #17695
03-07-11, 08:46 PM #17696
A guy walks into a bar in Kentucky and orders a white wine.
All the hillbillies sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see some pitiful Yankee from the north.
The bartender says, "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
The guy says, "No, I'm from Canada ."
The bartender says, "What do you do in Canada ?"
The guy says, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender says, "A taxidermist? What in tarnation is a taxidermist? Do you drive a taxi?"
"No", says the Canadian "A taxidermist doesn't drive a taxi. I mount animals."
The bartender grins and hollers, "It's okay boys. He's one of us."
03-07-11, 09:08 PM #17697
At the pearly Gates . . .
Three preachers and their wives were heading to a church conference in the western part of Texas, and they went on a small commuter airplane. West Texas weather being what it is this time of year, the plane got caught in a terrific storm and crashed in the hills. There were no survivors.
The preachers and their wives all wound up at the Pearly Gates at the same time ( There was no need for the pilot to go thorough the gate, as he already had his wings).
The kindly old gent at the admission desk raised his head up as the first couple advanced toward him and said, “Ah, yes. Reverend Cash, we heard you would be showing up. I am very sorry, but you cannot be admitted here. You see, you have your own god. Yes, you have raised millions to erect big church buildings, but you have made money our god. Even your name – look - Reverend Cash. And you have allowed your nickname to be “Buck”. You even married a woman whose name is “Penny”. I am sorry, but you will have to find your accommodations downstairs.”
And so the first pair trudged off to the long stairway as the second couple approached. The old admissions clerk kind of bowed his head and said, “Yes, Reverend Daniels. We’ve had notice of your arrival, too. You will not be admitted here because you have followed another guide, and made drink your god. First, it was a little sip of communion wine, then a glass of brandy at Seminary, and more than a small amount of beer. Your name is an indication of that, too, as you, Reverend Daniels, have allowed your friends and parishioners to call you, not by your proper name John, but ‘Jack’. You even married a girl named Sherry. I’m afraid you’ll have to find your accommodations downstairs, as well”
At that point, Reverend Richard Peters grabbed his wife by the hand and exclaimed, “Come on, Fanny. I can see we are not going to get a fair hearing here, either!”
03-08-11, 08:42 AM #17698
"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.
With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.
Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away.
So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.
The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."
The man dated the first daughter.
The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.
"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.
The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.
"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."
The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl
to see if things might be better. So he did.
The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,
"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."
So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born.
When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was
the Ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.
"Well," explained the Redneck...
"She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell....
pregnant when you met her."
If this brightened your day Don't let it stop here - Pass it on & keep spreading the love! I did!
03-09-11, 07:04 AM #17699
Number 8 highlighted in red would seem to apply to the situations
Top 10 Redneck Gun Safety Tips
10. Always keep your gun pointed in a safe direction, such
as at at hippie or communist.
9. Dumb children may get a hold of your guns and shoot
eachother. If your children are dumb, put them up for
adoption to protect your guns.
8. No matter how responsible he seems, never give your gun
to a monkey.7. If guns make you nervous, drink a bottle of whiskey
before heading to the practice range.
6. When unholstering your weapon, it’s customary to
say “Excuse me while I whip this out.”
5. Don’t load your gun unless you are ready to shoot
something or are just feeling generally angry.
4. If your gun misfires, never look down the barrel to
inspect it. Have someone else do that for you.
3. Never use your gun to pistol whip someone. That could
mar the finish.
2. No matter how excited you are about buying your first
gun, do not run around the store yelling “I have
a gun! I have a gun!”.
1. And the most important rule of gun safety. Don’t **** me
03-10-11, 04:52 AM #17700
From the "Raider Patch"
George was in getting his physical and when the tests
were back, his physician said to him. "You are in great shape.
How old was your father when he died?" George replied.
"Did I say he had died?
My father is 91 and plays nine holes of golf every morning.
The doctor then asked, "When did your grandfather die?"
George said, "Did I say that my grandfather had died?
He is 111 years old and wants to get married next Saturday?"
The doctor was astonished and said, "He is 111 years old
and wants to get married?"
George then said, "Did I say he WANTS to get married?"
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