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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
05-16-04, 07:57 AM #8221
Politically Correct Piggies
1. This male piggy went to market.
2. This female piggy stayed home performing demeaning menial tasks at the behest of the male piggy.
3. This male piggy had roast beef painstakingly prepared by the female piggy who was never appreciated for all her domestic engineering. And that female piggy had none because she knew through psychotherapy that the route to empowerment was to reject the traditional notions of right and wrong and to poison the male piggy with roast beef that had been fed bovine growth hormone.
4. So this male piggy cried "wee wee wee" all the way to the hospital where he succumbed to stomach distress.
5. And this female piggy took over his market and ran it as a non-exploitative cooperative celebrating the values of piggy diversity.
05-16-04, 07:57 AM #8222
Politically Correct 12 Days of Christmas
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:
> TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,
THREE deconstructionist poets,
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses, and
ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
Oh, heck! Happy Holidays!!!! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)
Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with a suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.
05-16-04, 07:58 AM #8223
Politically Correct 23rd Psalm
(For those of you who can't remember, The 23rd Psalm is the one which begins with "The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want ...")
The Lord and I are in a shepherd-sheep relationship, and I am in a position of negative need.
He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area, and conducts me into lateral proximity with a non-torrential aqueous accumulation.
He restores to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup.
Notwithstanding the fact that I make ambulatory progress through the non- illuminated geological interstice of mortality, terror sensations shall not be manifest within me due to the proximity of omnipotence.
Your pastoral walking aid and quadruped-restraint module induce in me a pleasurific mood state.
You design and produce a nutrient-bearing support structure in the context of non-cooperative elements.
You enact a head-related folk ritual utilizing vegetable extracts, and my beverage container exhibits inadequate volumetric parameters.
Surely it must be an intrinsic non-deductible factor that your inter- relational, emphatic, and non-vengeful attributes will pursue me as their target focus for the duration of the current non-death period.
And I will possess tenant rights in the residential facility of the Lord on a permanently open-ended time basis.
05-16-04, 07:58 AM #8224
Politically Correct Santa
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
05-16-04, 07:59 AM #8225
Politics As Usual?
A newscaster interrupted scheduled programming to announce the outcome of a political election. At the end of the announcement, he said, "More on candidates at 10 P.M."
My ten-year-old granddaughter looked at me in disbelief. "I didn't know they could call politicians 'morons' on national television!" she remarked.
05-16-04, 07:59 AM #8226
How do you tell the difference between a liberal and a conservative?
Easy. Watch a man drowning fifty feet offshore.
The conservative will throw out 25 feet of rope and shout "swim for it!"
The liberal will toss out 50 feet of rope, drop his own end, and go off to do another good deed.
05-16-04, 08:00 AM #8227
A young man decided to join the police force. As a recruit he was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He answered, "Call for backup."
05-16-04, 08:00 AM #8228
My geometry tutor told me, "A six-sided polygon is called a hexagon, a five-sided one is called a pentagon."
"What about two sided ones?" I asked.
"They don't exist," was his response.
"I beg to differ! I think we should just let bi-gons be bi-gons."
05-16-04, 08:01 AM #8229
Polly Wanna Talk?
A lady goes into a pet store one day. "I'm really lonely," she says to the clerk. "I need a pet to keep me company."
"Well," replies the clerk. "How about this nice parrot? He'll talk to you."
"Hey, that's great." She likes the idea and she buys the parrot and takes him home.
Next day: Same lady comes back to the pet store. "You know, that parrot isn't talking to me yet," she says.
"Hmmm, let's see," says the clerk. "I know! You buy this little ladder for his cage. He'll climb the ladder...and then he'll talk."
"OK." So off she goes with a newly purchased ladder.
Next day: Same lady comes back to the pet store. "Hey, that parrot still hasn't said a word," she says to the pet store clerk.
He thinks a minute. "How about this little mirror?" he says. "You hang it at the top of the ladder. The parrot will climb the ladder, look in the mirror and then he'll talk to you."
"OK," she says, and buys the little mirror, and goes home.
But the next day that same lady is back in the shop. "Well, I'm getting a bit discouraged," she says. "That parrot STILL won't talk to me."
The clerk scratches his head. "Let me think....AHA! Try this bell. You hang it over the mirror. That parrot will climb the ladder, look in the mirror, ring the bell, and then he will surely talk to you!"
"Well, all right, I'll give it a try," says the lady. And she buys the bell and takes it home.
The next day the same lady comes back to the pet shop, and she is mightily distressed. "What's wrong?" asks the clerk.
"My parrot...well, he died," was the quiet reply.
"Ohmigosh! I'm so sorry for your loss!" exclaimed the clerk. "But I have to ask you, did the parrot ever say anything to you?"
"Oh yes, he said one thing, right before he died," she replied.
"Well, what did he say?" asked the clerk.
The lady replies: "He said, 'DOESN'T THAT STORE CARRY ANY FOOD?!!?'"
05-16-04, 05:20 PM #8230
A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the
wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman
to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.
"Yeah right!" she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring as usual.
The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she
goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it
carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops
The woman is amazed! Later that night, her husband returns home
drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls
asleep, and begins snoring loudly The woman thinks maybe the ribbon
might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of
blue ribbon, and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly,
it also works on him!
The woman sleeps soundly. The man wakes from his drunken stupor and
stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he
glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his
privates. He is very confused, and as he walks back into the bedroom,
he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles He shakes his
head and looks at the dog and says, "I don't know where we were or
what we did, but, by God, we got first and second place.
05-16-04, 07:17 PM #8231yellowwingGuest Free Member
How can you tell when there's a gay convention in town? The men are by the pool and the women are out golfing!
05-17-04, 06:55 AM #8232
A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little
lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's
heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's on her level, and asks,
"Do you want a widdle white wabbit, or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or
maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"
She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans
forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't think my python weally gives a
05-17-04, 07:52 AM #8233
A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
On my desk I have a work station .........
05-17-04, 07:52 AM #8234
At a Milwaukee post office, a woman complained to the clerk that a Pony Express rider could get a letter from Milwaukee to St. Louis in two days, and now it takes three. "I'd like to know why," she scoffed. The clerk thought about it for a moment, then his face brightened and he replied, "The horses are a lot older now?"
05-17-04, 07:53 AM #8235
One day a man spotted a lamp by the roadside. He picked it up, rubbed it vigorously, and a genie appeared.
"I'll grant you your fondest wish," the genie said.
The man thought for a moment, then said, "I want a spectacular job -- a job that no man has ever succeeded at or has ever attempted to do."
"Poof!" said the genie. "You're a housewife."
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