Chuckles of the Day... - Page 1178
  1. #17656
    Bob was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

    When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

    One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.

    "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but my
    father has a terminal illness and in just a couple years, I will inherit $50 million."

    Impressed, the woman asked for his business card, and three weeks later she became his stepmother.


    Women are so much better at financial planning than men
    [FONT='Comic Sans MS', sans-serif].
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  2. #17657
    Watch out for Dead Guys





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  3. #17658
    BLACK PANTIES JOKE
    Sandie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression - mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.

    Finally, Sandie says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.

    Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." Well, it was an immediate hit.

    They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that meant.

    Their first night there she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He in his birthday suit.

    Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?" She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." He knows he's not getting lucky that night.

    The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on and he is in his birthday suit; except that he has an erection, on which he has a black condom.

    She looks at him and asks, "What's with this...a black condom?"

    He replies, I want to offer you my deepest condolences"


  4. #17659
    10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

    A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

    On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

    "What?" said the puzzled groom.

    "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

    "Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

    Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

    Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

    Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

    Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

    Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

    Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

    Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

    Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

    Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

    "Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

    "You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

    Semper Fidelis,
    DrZ

    ________________________________________________
    I am not particularly brave, courageous, nor even very smart. But I am a US Marine which makes up for all my other failings. - DrZ

    "Some people live an entire lifetime wondering if they've made a difference in the world, Marines don't have that problem." President Ronald Regan

    DrZ is the internet name I selected in the early days at University. So keep in mind I never was a DevilDoc.
    Si Vis Pacem Para bellum

  5. #17660
    0 to 200 in 6 seconds

    Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
    really pi$$ed.

    She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
    driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

    The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke
    up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box
    gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

    Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought
    the box back in the house.

    She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

    Bob has been missing since Friday

    Semper Fidelis,
    DrZ

    ________________________________________________
    I am not particularly brave, courageous, nor even very smart. But I am a US Marine which makes up for all my other failings. - DrZ

    "Some people live an entire lifetime wondering if they've made a difference in the world, Marines don't have that problem." President Ronald Regan

    DrZ is the internet name I selected in the early days at University. So keep in mind I never was a DevilDoc.
    Si Vis Pacem Para bellum

  6. #17661
    Generous lawyer

    A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

    "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

    The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

    Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

    The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

    The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

    "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

    The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

    On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

    Semper Fidelis,
    DrZ

    ________________________________________________
    I am not particularly brave, courageous, nor even very smart. But I am a US Marine which makes up for all my other failings. - DrZ

    "Some people live an entire lifetime wondering if they've made a difference in the world, Marines don't have that problem." President Ronald Regan

    DrZ is the internet name I selected in the early days at University. So keep in mind I never was a DevilDoc.
    Si Vis Pacem Para bellum

  7. #17662
    Only three doors
    An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde flight attendant. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

    The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new flight attendant was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

    The flight attendant replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

    Semper Fidelis,
    DrZ

    ________________________________________________
    I am not particularly brave, courageous, nor even very smart. But I am a US Marine which makes up for all my other failings. - DrZ

    "Some people live an entire lifetime wondering if they've made a difference in the world, Marines don't have that problem." President Ronald Regan

    DrZ is the internet name I selected in the early days at University. So keep in mind I never was a DevilDoc.
    Si Vis Pacem Para bellum

  8. #17663
    A Blonde Goes On Who Wants To Be A Millionaire

    Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one lifeline left -- phone a friend.

    The next question will give you the top prize of One Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

    Barbara: "Sure, I'll have a go!"

    Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest?

    Is it........

    A-Robin

    B-Sparrow

    C-Cuckoo

    D-Thrush

    Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars."

    "I think I know who it..but I'm not 100%...

    No, I haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis, just to be sure.

    Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

    Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Maggie back home in Birmingham."

    (ringing)

    Maggie (also a blonde): "Hello..."

    Regis: "Hello Maggie, its Regis here from Who Wants to be a Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on $500,000, but needs your help to be a Million.

    The next voice you hear will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question.

    There are 4 possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to answer -- fire away Barbara."

    Barbara: "Maggie, which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is it:

    A-Robin

    B-Sparrow

    C-Cuckoo

    D-Thrush"

    Maggie: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....It's a Cuckoo."

    Barbara: "You think?"

    Maggie: "I'm sure."

    Barbara: " Thanks Maggie." (hangs up)

    Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the Million, Barbara?"

    Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo"

    Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

    Barbara: "It is."

    Regis: "Are you confident?"

    Barbara: "Yes fairly, Maggie's a sound bet."

    Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

    Here is your check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience please put your hands together for Barbara."

    (clapping)

    That night Barbara calls round to Maggie and brings her down to a local bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne, Barbara turns to Maggie and asks "Tell me Maggie, How in God's name did you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

    Maggie: "OMG Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a clock."

    Semper Fidelis,
    DrZ

    ________________________________________________
    I am not particularly brave, courageous, nor even very smart. But I am a US Marine which makes up for all my other failings. - DrZ

    "Some people live an entire lifetime wondering if they've made a difference in the world, Marines don't have that problem." President Ronald Regan

    DrZ is the internet name I selected in the early days at University. So keep in mind I never was a DevilDoc.
    Si Vis Pacem Para bellum

  9. #17664
    Electric Train

    A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of *****es who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of *****es who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

    The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

    Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

    As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are ****ed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the ***** in the kitchen."

    Semper Fidelis,
    DrZ

    ________________________________________________
    I am not particularly brave, courageous, nor even very smart. But I am a US Marine which makes up for all my other failings. - DrZ

    "Some people live an entire lifetime wondering if they've made a difference in the world, Marines don't have that problem." President Ronald Regan

    DrZ is the internet name I selected in the early days at University. So keep in mind I never was a DevilDoc.
    Si Vis Pacem Para bellum

  10. #17665
    MY LIVING WILL:

    Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room
    and I said to them , 'I never want to live in a vegetative
    state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a
    bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'

    They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out
    my wine.

    They are SO on my shiit list ...


  11. #17666
    The UPS Man
    Click on the photo


  12. #17667

    Redneck Quints

    The Redneck went to the hospital

    As his wife was having a baby.

    Upon arriving,

    The Nurse says

    "Congratulations,

    Your wife has had quints,

    5 big baby boys."


    The Redneck says,

    "I'm not surprised,

    I have a penis on me like a chimney."


    The nurse replies,

    "You might want to consider getting it cleaned,

    The babies are all black."


  13. #17668
    When you have an 'I Hate My Job day' ...... Try this out:

    On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.

    Be very sure you get this brand.

    When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.

    Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair.

    Open the package and remove the thermometer.

    Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.

    Now the fun part begins.

    Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully.

    You will notice that in small print there is a statement:

    "Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized."

    Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times,' I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson.'

    HAVE A NICE DAY; AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ARSE THAN YOURS!


    ..Remember, if you haven't got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart.... Then you are just an old sour fart; Maybe you should go and work for Johnson & Johnson!!!!!


  14. #17669

    TIME TO BE SILLY!!





  15. #17670

    A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

    "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

    The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

    Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

    The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

    The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

    "or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

    The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

    On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"




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