Chuckles of the Day... - Page 1176
  1. #17626
    1. When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.... So, I took her to a gas station.....

    And then the fight started....





    2. My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

    And then the fight started....





    3. After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt". So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

    She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me". And she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too".

    And then the fight started.....





    4. Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."

    My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"

    And then the fight started ...





    5. My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

    "Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."

    "My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

    And then the fight started.....





    6. I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get so stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

    He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"

    So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"

    And then the fight started.....





    7. I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"

    "Nah, she can order for herself."

    And then the fight started.....





    8. A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

    The husband replies, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

    And then the fight started.....
    __________________


  2. #17627
    Marine Free Member gkmoz's Avatar
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  3. #17628
    Super Bowl
    A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Dallas Cowboys Super Bowl. As he sits down, a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
    "No," he says, "The seat is empty."
    "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?"
    He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super bowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
    "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else-a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?".
    The man shakes his head.
    "No, they're all at the funeral."


  4. #17629
    A US Air Force C-130 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland, at midnight during a winter month. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

    The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft only to find that the latrine pump-truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as not to risk criticism later.

    As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late, and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."

    Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule , Greenland, for 11 months without any leave, and reindeers' asses are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's 2:30 in the morning; the temperature is 40 degrees below zero; and my job here is to pump shxt out of an aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"


    The surprised pilot thought a long moment, grinned, and then threw the airman a salute.


  5. #17630
    "Fathom the odd hypocrisy that the government wants every citizen to prove they are insured, but people don't have to prove they are citizens".


  6. #17631

  7. #17632
    BURGLARY IN FLORIDA. ( You just can't make this stuff up ).

    When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich's house was burgled recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch.

    What they did take, however, was a generic white cardboard box filled with a grayish-white powder. (That's the way the police report described it.)

    A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said that it looked similar to high grade cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time.

    Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago.

    The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep.
    The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained.

    Scotch taped to the box was this note which said: Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister, no hard feelings, have a nice day.




  8. #17633

    they walk among us.

    ANOTHER CHAPTER OF "THEY WALK AMONG US, THEY VOTE AND REPRODUCE!!



    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ +++++++++++++++++++



    Samsung Electronics
    Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?'
    Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about.'
    Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states that
    I need to unplug the fax machine from the AC wall socket and
    Telephone Jack beforecleaning. Now, can you give me the
    Number for Jack?'
    Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on the wall.'
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------



    RAC Motoring Services
    Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policy cover me when I am
    Traveling in Australia ?'
    Operator: 'Does the policy name give you a clue?'
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling in Europe )
    'If I register my car in France , and then take it to England , do I have to change the steeringwheel to the other side of the car?'
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------



    Directory Enquirers
    Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar, please'
    Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Are you sure that the spelling is correct?'
    Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar but the 'B' fell off.'
    ------------------ ----------------------------------------------------
    Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.
    Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'
    Caller: 'Yes.. That's what it says on the label -- Woven in Scotland ...'
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------



    On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told a worried operator: 'I haven't got a pen, so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on.'
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.'
    Customer: 'OK.'
    Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'
    Customer: 'No.'
    Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
    Customer: 'No.'
    Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'
    Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click'.'
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------



    Tech Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand side of your screen, can
    You see the 'OK' button displayed?'
    Customer: 'Wow! How can you see my screen from there?';



    ----------------------------------------------------------------------
    Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I just realized that I need it. So, if I turn my system clock back two weeks will I get my file back again?'
    ----------------------------------------------------------------------



    This has to be one of the funniest things in a long time. I think this guy should have been promoted, not fired. Thisis a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department..............
    Needless tosay the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the WordPerfect organization for 'Termination without Cause.'



    Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee.
    (Now I know why they record these conversations!):



    Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
    Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with Word-perfect ..'
    Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
    Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
    Operator: 'Went away?'
    Caller: 'They disappeared'
    Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?'
    Caller: 'Nothing.'
    Operator: 'Nothing??'
    Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
    Operator: 'Are you still in Word-perfect, or did you get out?'
    Caller: 'How do I tell?'
    Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' on the screen?'
    Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
    Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
    Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I told you, it won't accept anything I type..'
    Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
    Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
    Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
    Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?'
    Caller: 'I don't know.'
    Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where
    The power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
    Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
    Opera tor: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's
    plugged into the wall..
    Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
    Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that
    there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one? '
    Caller: 'No.'
    Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and
    find the other cable.'
    Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
    Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into
    the back of your computer..'
    Caller: 'I can't reach.'
    Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is?'
    Caller: 'No..'
    Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?'
    Caller: 'Well, it's not because I don't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'
    Operator: 'Dark?'
    Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is
    coming in from the window.'
    Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
    Caller: 'I can't.'
    Operator: 'No? Why not?'
    Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
    Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha. Okay, we've got it
    licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and
    packing stuff that your computer came in?'
    Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet..'
    Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it
    up just like it was when you got it.Then take it back to
    the store you bought it from.'
    Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
    Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
    Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?'
    Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!'


  9. #17634

  10. #17635
    A guy cruises thru a stop sign and gets pulled over by a local policeman. The guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

    "Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"

    "Yes, I am."

    "Well then, better tell me what you got."

    Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolver in my inside coat pocket. There's a 9mm semi-auto in the glove box. And, I've got a .22 magnum derringer in my right boot."

    "Okay," the cop says. "Anything else?"

    "Yeah, back in the trunk, there's an AR15 and a slug shotgun. That's about it."

    "Mr. Smith, are you on your way to or from a gun range...?"

    "Nope."

    "Well then, what are you afraid of...?"

    "Not a damn thing..."


  11. #17636
    Strangers In Texas

    At a small terminal in the Texas Panhandle, three strangers are awaiting their shuttle flight. One is a Native American passing through from Oklahoma. Another, a local ranch hand on his way to Ft. Worth for a stock show. The third passenger is an Arab student, newly arrived at the Texas oil patch from the Middle East.

    To pass the time they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

    The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside blows tumbleweeds and the old windsock flaps, but no plane comes.* Finally, the Native American clears his throat and softly, he speaks: "Once my people were many, Now we are few."

    The Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few, "he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is? "

    The Texan shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the
    darkness beneath his Stetson says,

    "That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet. "


  12. #17637

  13. #17638

  14. #17639

  15. #17640

    Why I'm Depressed

    Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel,
    "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead
    you to the Promised Land."

    Nearly 75 years ago, (when welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, "Lay
    down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is
    the Promised Land."

    Today, Obama has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the
    price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land! I was so depressed
    last night thinking about health-care plans, the economy, the wars,
    lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc . . .

    I called a Suicide Hotline.
    I had to press 1 for English. I was then connected to a call center
    in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They got excited and
    asked if I could drive a truck.


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