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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
05-07-04, 06:34 AM #8101
"How many times have you heard the comment that people have to
take a test to drive a car, but anyone can be a parent?
A test is needed. And not one with a bunch of Bozo questions like
'How many servings of vegetables are required for a three-year old
female living in Boise who walks 4.3 miles a day?' No, this test
will ask the REAL questions. Are you ready to find out if you have
the right stuff to be a parent in the 90s? Get those number two pencils
ready. And let's keep our eyes on our own papers, people.
THE PARENTING TEST
Section One --- Mathematics
For each problem, estimate the total number of times this phrase is
used per parent per week. (2 points per question)
1) I don't care what the other kids get to do.
2) ... and this time I really mean it.
3) Somebody's going to get hurt doing that.
4) See, I told you somebody was going to get hurt doing that.
5) Now we're REALLY going to be late.
6) One ... I'm counting ... two ... I'm counting ...
7) Because I'm the Mommy (Daddy).
8) Let's not discuss that at the dinner table.
9) Why is your brother (sister) crying?
10) Okay ... but only five more minutes.
Section Two -- Fill in the Blank
Write the correct word in the blank. (3 points per question)
1) Tickle Me ____________.
2) 101 _________________.
3) The Berenstain _________.
4) Clifford, the Big _________ Dog.
5) _______________ Nuggets.
6) _______________ Meals.
7) Please won't you be my _____________?
Section Three -- Matching
Match each vocabulary word with its definition. (4 points per question).
A) Small bits of plastic designed to accentuate any style of carpeting.
B) Either a recreational device origally developed for hamsters, but since
adapted for use by children in fast food restaurants OR that which is
placed in ears when Letter "C" fails.
C) A pink sustance which is usually a regular part of a toddler's diet.
D) A frozen food amazingly devoid of any nutritional value.
E) A disposable article of clothing which one swears will only be necessary
for a few more weeks.
Section Four -- Problem Solving
Briefly describe the solution to each problem. (5 points per question)
1) It is 8:50a.m. School starts at 9a.m. Where are your car keys?
2) She says that he started it. He says she started it. Who's right?
3) You are attempting to go to the post office with two very large packages,
two very small children, zero very close parking places, and one frazzled
parent. How will you accomplish this?
4) At 7p.m., you must be at dance class with Debbie, Cub Scouts with Carl,
and soccer with Susie. Without any King Soloman manuevers, how will
this be done?
Section Five -- Essay
Answer the question and defend your choice. (19 points)
Which of the 'Big V's' has made a bigger contribution to parenting -
Vacuum cleaners 'Velcro' or the VCR?
05-07-04, 06:34 AM #8102
Parenting Want Ad
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term team players needed for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills, and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24-hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in faraway cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES: Must provide on-site training in basic life skills, such as nose-blowing. Must have strong skills in negotiating, conflict resolution, and crisis management. Ability to suture flesh wounds a plus. Must be able to think out of the box but not lose track of the box, because you most likely will need it for a school project.
Must reconcile petty cash disbursements and be proficient in managing budgets and resources fairly, unless you want to hear, "He got more than me!" for the rest of your life. Also, must be able to drive motor vehicles safely under loud and adverse conditions while simultaneously practicing above-mentioned skills in conflict resolution.
Must be able to choose your battles and stick to your guns. Must be able to withstand criticism, such as "You don't know anything." Must be willing to be hated at least temporarily, until someone needs $5 to go skating. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack-mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half-million cheap, plastic toys and battery operated devices. Also, must have a highly energetic entrepreneurial spirit, because "fund-raiser" will be your middle name.
Must have a diverse knowledge base, so as to answer questions such as "What makes the wind move?" Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end-product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT AND PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required, unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION: You pay them, offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.
BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock-options are offered, the job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life, if you play your cards right.
05-07-04, 06:35 AM #8103
Teacher: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son.
Parent: What's that?
Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.
05-07-04, 06:35 AM #8104
When I arrived for my daughter's parent-teacher conference, the teacher seemed a bit flustered, especially when she started telling me that my little girl didn't always pay attention in class and was sometimes a little flighty. "For example, she'll do the wrong page in the workbook," the teacher explained, "and I've even found her sitting in the wrong desk."
"I don't understand that," I replied defensively. "Where could she have gotten that?"
The teacher went on to reassure me that my daughter was still doing fine in school and was sweet and likeable. Finally, after a pause, she added, "By the way, Mrs. Johnson, our appointment was for tomorrow."
05-07-04, 06:36 AM #8105
Parent's Glossary of Kid's Kitchen Terms
Anything advertised on TV.
The point a parent reaches upon hearing the automatic "Yuck" before a food is even tasted.
Combination of favorite foods that go uneaten because they are mixed together.
Spot left vacant by mid-meal bathroom visit.
COOKIE (LAST ONE):
Item that must be eaten in front of a sibling.
The reason for eating a meal.
Magic trick performed by children when it comes time to clear the table or wash dishes.
Microscopic substance detected visually by children on pieces of meat they do not wish to eat.
Place for all food not found on lap or chair.
Eating utensil made obsolete by discovery of fingers.
Condition of children's jaws when spinach is served.
A natural sweet not to be confused with dessert.
The only thing kids will share freely.
The only room not used when eating crumbly snacks.
Commonly described as "gross."
A food that affects genes, creating a hereditary dislike.
A snack provided by people who don't have to pay dental bills.
Material for a collage.
A kitchen utensil that is stored in the sandbox.
Any warm cloth object, such as shirt or pants.
Food eaten with unwashed hands.
Secret war waged by parents using direct commands, camouflage, and constant guard duty.
A breakable Frisbee.
A very expensive and inefficient room air conditioner when not being used as an art gallery.
A place for storing gum.
How your child feels after you've said your final "good night."
05-07-04, 06:36 AM #8106
Parking Lot Rules
(How many of these can you relate to?)
Rule #1 - When waiting for a parking spot, stop in the middle of the road, don't signal, and orient your car diagonally to prevent others from passing.
Rule #2 - Always park on the lines, taking up as many spots as possible. Diagonal parking is preferred.
Rule #3 - In a crowded parking lot, if you find a spot and have the opportunity to pull through to an adjacent one, drive up half way and stop on the line, taking both.
Rule #4 - As you pull into a spot, if you see that the space ahead of you is empty and you see another driver signaling to take it, pull though and take it from him.
Rule #5 - Always park close enough to the adjacent car so that the other driver must grease up with Vaseline to squeeze into his/her car.
Rule #6 - When getting out of your car, hit the adjacent vehicle with your door really hard. If you leave a dent, wait for a car, which is painted the same color as yours, to drive down the aisle looking for a place to park. Then back out, giving up your spot like "Mr. Good Guy" and park somewhere else.
Rule #7 - When driving through the parking lot, ignore the painted lanes and drive diagonally from one end to another at a high rate of speed.
Rule #8 - When stopped in front of a store and waiting for a friend/relative to make a purchase, make sure that you are stopped in the middle of the road. The same rules applies to picking-up and discharging passengers.
Rule #9 - When a vehicle from the opposite direction is signaling and waiting for a parking space, position your car so that you are in his way and let the car behind you take it.
Rule #10 - If you don't see a speed limit sign posted in the malls parking lot, there isn't any!
Rule #11 - When walking back to your car, if you notice other shoppers walking past your car to get to theirs, press the buttons on your keychain remote so that your car's alarm makes a sudden loud "BLOOP BLEEP" that scares the mess out of them.
Rule #12 - If the vehicle in front of you stops to let a pedestrian cross or another vehicle turn, pull into the lane of opposite traffic and attempt to pass him.
Rule #13 - deleted...for those who are superstitious
Rule #14 - When exiting a shopping center into a busy road, exit through the narrow "ENTER ONLY" driveway, stick the nose of the car into traffic, and wait.
Rule #15 - When driving through a parking lot with alternating one-way aisles and angled parking spots, drive the wrong way. Then when you see a parking space, take 20 minutes to do a 12-point turn to pull into it.
Rule #16 - Always leave your shopping cart behind or tightly between parked vehicles.
Rule #17 - Empty your ashtrays on the ground in shopping center parking lots. While your at it, dump out all the garbage too including that Wendy's or McDonald's bag sitting in the back seat from breakfast.
Rule #18 - If you are forced to change an infant's diaper in a parking lot, leave the soiled diaper under the car next to you.
Rule #19 - When another vehicle is waiting for you to pull out of a spot in a crowded parking lot, take your time. Adjust the mirrors, your seat, and the radio. Roll down your window, light a cigarette, and eat your lunch. Feel free to go through your shopping bags and look at what you just bought.
Rule #20 - When pulling into a parking spot, if there is a shopping cart in the way, lightly tap it with your bumper and send it rolling into an adjacent car. Then, when you step out, if the cart is still too close, push it down the parking lot aisle and let it go. While the cart is flying solo, turn around and walk toward the stores.
Rule #21 - When walking back to your car in a busy shopping center, gesture to other drivers waiting for a spot to make them think that you are getting in the car and leaving. Then walk between the cars to the next aisle and do it again.
Rule #22 - When holiday shopping at the mall, which requires you to load your bags into the car and go back in to do more shopping, do NOT tell the driver who is sitting patiently watching you load your car and signaling for your spot.
05-07-04, 06:37 AM #8107
Late for work already, I was annoyed to find a strange car in my reserved parking space again. After locating a spot far away, I stormed into my office determined to have the car towed. As the morning wore on, however, my anger mellowed, and I decided to give the driver another chance.
During lunchtime, I went outside and left this note on the driver's windshield: "Please don't take my parking space. If you do, and your car disappears, don't say I never towed you!"
05-07-04, 06:38 AM #8108
The Parking Ticket
I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a police officer writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil-necked geek.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!
So I called him a piece of horse manure.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!
This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.
I try to have a little fun each day. It's important.
05-07-04, 06:38 AM #8109
Parked Cars in the Snow
It had been snowing for hours when an announcement came over the intercom: "Will the students who are parked on University Drive please move their cars so that we may begin plowing."
Twenty minutes later there was another announcement: "Will the twelve hundred students who went to move 26 cars please return to class."
05-07-04, 08:28 PM #8110
Jeeves, Take Off My Dress
A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.
As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there.
As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled. "Jeeves," she said. "Take off my dress. "
He did this carefully.
"Jeeves," she continued. "Take off my stockings and garter."
He silently obeyed her.
"Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties. "
As he did this, the tension continued to mount.
She then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"
05-07-04, 08:29 PM #8111
To Be an Egg
It's a bummer to be an egg because...
1) You only get laid once.
2) You only get eaten once.
3) It takes 7 minutes to get hard.
4) You have to come in a box with 11 others.
5) The only one who'll sit on your face is your mother.
05-07-04, 08:30 PM #8112
Good at Sensitive Stuff
Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Bill says, "OK, I`m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I`ll do it." 2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack.
Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?" "Steve`s wife gave it to me."
"That`s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
Bill says,"Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, `You must be Steve`s widow.`"
She said, "`No, I`m not a widow."
And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"
05-07-04, 08:30 PM #8113
A redneck was getting in his truck and a trooper pulled up and asked him, if he had a hunting license for this state. The redneck showed him the license, and the trooper was satisfied. But, the trooper saw another duck, and he sniffed its butt and said "This is a Kansas duck, do you have a Kansas hunting license?".
The redneck pulled out his Kansas license, and the trooper was happy. Then he saw a third duck, and sniffed its butt, and said "This is an Arkansas duck. Do you have an Arkansas hunting license?"
Sure enough the redneck pulled out his Arkansas license, and the trooper, said ok. Then he saw a fourth duck, and sniffed its butt and said "This is a Kentucky duck. Do you have a Kentucky Hunting license?" and the redneck pulled out his Kentucky Hunting License.
The trooper couldn't believe the redneck had shot this many ducks from all these different states and said, "Boy, where are you from, exactly?" The redneck pulled down his pants and said "Why don't you just sniff my butt and see!"
05-07-04, 08:31 PM #8114
In the Middle of Nowhere
On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; but how her relationship with her mother is improving and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't getting laid either.
05-07-04, 08:32 PM #8115
30 years - What a Long Strange Trip
1972: Long hair
2002: Longing for hair
1972: The perfect high
2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund
1972: Acid rock
2002: Acid reflux
1972: Moving to California because it's cool
2002: Moving to California because it's warm
1972: Growing pot
2002: Growing pot belly
1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1972: Seeds and stems
1972: Popping pills, smoking joints
2002: Popping joints
1972: Killer weed
2002: Weed killer
1972: Hoping for a BMW
2002: Hoping for a BM
1972: The Grateful Dead
2002: Dr. Kevorkian
1972: Screw the system
2002: Upgrade the system
1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1972: Taking acid
2002: Taking antacid
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