Chuckles of the Day...

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

A Golf Story

Jim is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it", he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I've hit the ball I can't see where it went."

His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother Danny with you and give it one more
try."

"That's no good", sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't
help."

"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect".

So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law Danny. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball?"

"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."

"Where did it go?" says Jim..

"I don't remember...

Welcome to the "Golden Years."

[Marine1955]

Farmer Bales Himself.

[Zulu 36]

Farmer Bales Himself.

Montana finally lost it for good.

[Ed Palmer]

I’m not sure who this
woman is,

But apparently she knows most of the
men on here.

[Marine1955]

I’m not sure who this
woman is,

But apparently she knows most of the
men on here.

No Ed ,SHE KNOWS YOU !!!!

[Marine1955]

Looks Like Mexico going to get it Hard..



Weatherman

[oldtop]

MAN OF THE HOUSE
The husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, 'You Can Be the Man of Your House.'
He stormed to his wife in the kitchen and announced, 'From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is law. You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, you will serve me a sumptuous dessert. After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will have the kind of sex that I want.
Afterwards, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe.
Then, you will massage my feet and hands. Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?
The wife replied, 'The f u c k i n g funeral director would be my first guess

[oldtop]

THE DINNER

A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a date at her parents’ home.

I’d scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail. Lobster. Champagne .

I asked her, “Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?”

“No,” she replied. “but my mother’s not expecting a blow job tonight.”

I said "enjoy, would you like dessert with that"??

[steve evans]

Two Gays arranged to meet up via the internet. They did not get on. In the end they went onto the dance floor and started to dance with each other. One of the Gays noticed that the other gay had a hard on. "Why have you got a hard on?"

"It only happens when I'm near a total arsehole!" came the reply........Just cos your a gay don't mean you have to like all other gays. So I've been told.

[Ed Palmer]

How To Carve a Pumpkin With a Gun
This jack-o'-lantern was made by Hickok45. His carving tool of choice? A .40 caliber Glock. This is so much more efficient than those little orange-handled knives. And he only has to reload twice!

Spoiler alert: Hickok45 does not give away candy. Unless you're prepared to duel for it.

[steve evans]

Many years ago when being a Queer was against the law in the United Kingdom the Cheshire police conducted a raid on a known 'Nice' boys club.

In went the fuzz nightsticks out and being used to their full extent. Bish, bash, bosh they went knocking ten shades of crap out of the Queers.

Once the club had been locked down the Police found that the owner of the club was absent.

The Sgt in charge of the raid who was built like a brick****e house grabbed the club owners boyfriend and sayeth; "Sunnyjim when I find your effing Chum I'm going to shove this nightstick right up his arseh.........

All of a sudden before the Sgt could finish the sentence this little voice shouted out "Coo'ee! I'm in the dustbin Sgt!"

[steve evans]

HOW DO YOU MAKE A CAT BARK? SIMPLE, PUT A MATCH TO IT AND WATCH IT GO...... "WOOF"!

[steve evans]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fd-oFPJl_v0

[steve evans]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kgont...eature=related

[MOUNTAINWILLIAM]

(A Groaner)

Two Trees and A Woodpecker

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.


A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'


The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.

It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

Now wipe that smile off your face and pass it on..

------------------------


The Divorced Barbie Doll

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie for $19.95, Beach Barbie for $19.95, Disco Barbie for $19.95, Ballerina Barbie for $19.95, Astronaut Barbie for $19.95, Skater Barbie for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.95'.

The amazed father asks: 'It's what?! Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?'

The annoyed salesperson rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers: “ Sir..., Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken's Bikes, Ken's Car, Ken's House, Ken's Boat, Ken's Furniture, Ken's Computer, one of Ken's Friends, and a key chain made with Ken's balls. ”