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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
09-09-10, 09:40 PM #17251
The Cowboy Way
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the passenger lounge in the Bozeman , Montana airport, while waiting for their respective flights..
One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer, another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show, and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East ....
Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.
The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face, and lights a cigarette.
Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, 'At one time here... my people were many... but sadly, now we are few.'
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward,
'Once my people were few,' he sneers, 'and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?'
The cowboy removes his cigarette from his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl . . .
'I reckon that's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet.
But I do believe it's a-comin'.'
09-10-10, 01:58 PM #17252
In 1923, Who Was:
1. President of the largest steel company?
2.. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat spec ulator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days..
Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what ultimately became of them.
1. The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
2. The president of the largest gas company,
Edward Hopson, went insane.
3. The president of th e NYSE,
Richard Whitney, was released from prison
to die at home.
4. The greatest wheat speculator,
Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
6 The Great Bear of Wall Street,
Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide
in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.
What became of him?
He played golf until he was 92,
died in 1999 at the age of 95.
He was financially secure at the time of his death.
S C R E W work......
09-12-10, 08:17 PM #17253
side by side
09-13-10, 02:21 PM #17254
The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
'May I help you sir?' she asked.
'I want to see Valerie,'the man replied.
'Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else',said the madam.
'No, I must see Valerie,' he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour,the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. But there were no discounts.
The price was still $5000.
Again, the man pulled out themoney, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs
After their session, Valerie questioned the man,
'No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?' she asked.
The man replied, ' Ontario '.
'Really', she said. 'I have family in Ontario ...'
'I know.' the man said. 'Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance.'
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain.
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
09-13-10, 04:53 PM #17255
A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.
THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"
THE OLD FARMER SAID,"THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."
"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT."WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."
THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS
OVERALLS. THENHE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.
HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.
THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. . . THE OLD FARMER
UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE
"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.
"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."
"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE.
"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT",WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE, "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EMALL."
"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED,"BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN!"
09-13-10, 10:24 PM #17256
The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in Yankee Stadium in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"
Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand??? Show me!"
So the Pope backhanded the *****!
AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!
Kind of brings a tear to your eyes, doesn't it?
09-14-10, 12:28 AM #17257
Oh God I wish that were true!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
09-14-10, 07:15 PM #17258
The Pres. !!! Part 1
09-14-10, 07:21 PM #17259
The Pres. Part 2
09-14-10, 07:28 PM #17260
Sorry Officer .
09-14-10, 08:08 PM #17261
Now that is damn funny Bill!!!!!!!!!!
09-14-10, 08:54 PM #17262
D*mn Bill my side hurts now the dog ran out of the room she don't know whats goin on that was funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!
09-15-10, 08:01 AM #17263
I was in my back yard trying to fly a kite.
I threw the kite up in the air, the wind would catch it for a few seconds, then it would come crashing back down to earth.
I tried this a few more times with no success. All the while, Karen is watching from the kitchen window, Muttering to herself
how men need to be told how to do everything.
She opens the window and yelled to me, 'You need more tail.'
I turned with a confused look on my face and said, 'Make up your mind. Last night, you told me to go fly a kite.'
09-15-10, 08:56 AM #17264A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER
THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOESIN TO SEE
WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING
A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 15 SECONDS OR SO, HE PUTS THE BOOK
DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS
HIMSELF ON TOP OF HIS HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
HISMOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR
BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE POTTY YET."
MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES BUT,
BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"
BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."
09-15-10, 07:19 PM #17265
Thoughts for a slow Wednesday
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still rude to drive the U-Haul to the funeral home.
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your hands.
ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME:
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a Taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners are.
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money.
3. Use of proper toiletries can only delay bathing for a few days.
4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.
DATING (Outside the Family):
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM. Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up Immediately after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.
1. Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires does not always have the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
(Note; You CAN tow the car with Panty Hose, the Duct Tape is used to hold the car together).
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
5. Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession
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