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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
08-09-10, 12:49 PM #17146
08-10-10, 10:10 AM #17147
Haha! These are hilarious! I laughed at every single one.
08-10-10, 10:41 AM #17148
Subject: Ten Thoughts to Ponder
#10 Life is sexually transmitted.
#9 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#8 Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
#7 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.
#6 Some people are like a Slinky ...not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
#5 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.
#4 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#3 Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200, and a substantial tax cut saves you 30?
#2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
And The # 1 Thought
Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers;
what you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
Someone recently said to me:
"Don't worry about old age;
it doesn't last long."
08-10-10, 12:31 PM #17149
How To Tick People Off
HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF
1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
08-10-10, 03:02 PM #17150
08-11-10, 07:39 AM #17151
08-12-10, 09:07 AM #17152
The Ecomomy is so bad
It's So Bad......
The economy is so bad that I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
I ordered a burger at McDonald's, and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you have to call them and ask if they mean you or them .
Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 'ouncer'.
Parents in Beverly Hills and Malibu are firing their nannies and learning their children's names.
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
BP Oil laid off 25 Congressmen.
Congress says they are looking into the Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, and our bleak future, that I called the Suicide Lifeline and was connected to a call center in Pakistan . When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
08-12-10, 06:19 PM #17153
I cant do anything right
08-13-10, 10:58 AM #17154
Looking For My Car Keys
08-13-10, 11:26 AM #17155
Bill, I enjoyed and can relate to that little tune. I was going to say i've been their but, hell i'm still their I think.
08-13-10, 03:39 PM #17156
08-14-10, 10:37 AM #17157
We could all learn so much from this elegant and gracious lady. You might recall that John Hinckleywas a seriously deranged young man who shot President Reagan in the early 1980's. Hinckley was absolutely obsessed with movie star Jodie Foster, and in his twisted mind, loved Jodie to the point that to make himself well known to her, he attempted to assassinate President Reagan.
There is speculation Hinckley may soon be released as having been rehabilitated. Consequently, you will appreciate the following letter from Nancy Reagan to John Hinckley.
To: John Hinckley
From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan
My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery.
In our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know that we bear no grudge against you for shooting President Reagan.
We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. We're confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive man.
Nancy Reagan & Family
P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Barack Obama has been banging Jodie Foster like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.
08-14-10, 12:08 PM #17158
That is funny MW
08-16-10, 05:22 PM #17159
An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall. In walks in this 18 yr old kid . His hair is spiked and dyed every color of the rainbow. The old man keeps staring at the kid and giving him dirty looks.
Finally the kid can't stand the old man's glares any longer. He walks up to the old man and says " What are you staring at? When you were young didn't you ever do any thing foolish?"
The old man replied " Yes when I was about Your age I got drunk and F@#$%d aPeacock. I thought you might be my son"
08-17-10, 03:29 PM #17160
Dear IT Support:
>Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
>distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the
>Flower and Jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under
>In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs,
>Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5 and then installed undesirable
>programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby4.3 and Cricket 3.0.
>Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've
>tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail. What can
>Signed, Desperate ------------------
>First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
>Husband 1.0 is an Operating System.
>Try entering the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears
>6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application
>works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the
>applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
>But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to
>default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
>WARNING: Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring
>CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a
>supported application and will crash Husband 1.0.
>In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
>and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying
>additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally
>would recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.
>Good Luck, IT Support ------------------
>Dear IT Support,
>18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2,
>had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently
>conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try
>and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
>To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several
>other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy
>Successive versions of GirlFriend proved no better.
>I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left
>a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several
>Eventually, I tried to run GirlFriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the
>same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each
>caused severe damage to my hardware.
>I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this
>product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0
>tends to use up
>all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and
>Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be
>very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically
>stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.
>They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.
>Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and
>can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Multi-Whinge. These latter
>products have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the
>Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly,
>requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express
>which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Also, when Wife 1.0
>attaches itself to my Audi TT Convertible hard drive, it often crashes.
>Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw, which
>can't be turned off.
>Recently I've been tempted to install Mistress 2005, but there could be
>problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0
>detects Mistress 2005, it tends to delete all of your Money before
>Dear all - note there is no solution offered by IT support for the
>glitches associated with Wife 1.0. Sorry!
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