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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
02-19-10, 08:04 AM #16756
A man boards an airliner, takes his seat, and is surprised to find a large purple parrot in the seat next to him.
The aircraft takes off and a pretty flight attendant walks down the aisle past the man and his seat mate.
"Hey, *****, "says the parrot, "bring me a whiskey and soda, and make it snappy!"
The FA looks annoyed, but walks on. A minute later, she walks back up the aisle, and the parrot pipes up again:
"Gosh darn it, you lazy *****, where's my whiskey? Hurry it up! " Visibly flustered, the FA hurries up the aisle and returns quickly with the parrot's drink.
Impressed with the parrot's technique, the man decides to get some quick service for himself.
"Hey, slut, " says the man, "get me a dry martini. And don't drag your sorry ass - I want it right now! "
The FA turns red with anger and runs to the front of the plane. In a moment she returns with the First Officer and two burly male flight attendants.
The crewmen seize the passenger and the parrot, jerk open the emergency door, and hurl them both out of the airplane at 20, 000 feet.
As the two hurtle out the door, the parrot says to the man, "Ya know, for someone who can't fly, you got a lotta balls."
02-19-10, 08:54 AM #16757
An Democrat and a Republican walk into a crowded D.C. bar where they see a Muslim holding the detonator to a bomb belt strapped to his waist.
Republican,”Quick!We have to stop him before he blows himself up!”
Democrat,”Aw leave him alone—it’s his body,his life,his bomb his business and nobody elses.”
Republican,”But he will kill us all!”
Democrat,”Then he will break the law.”
02-19-10, 10:23 AM #16758
A Fly's Life
02-19-10, 12:17 PM #16759
02-19-10, 12:37 PM #16760
02-19-10, 01:08 PM #16761
The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman. The next day
someone asked him how things had gone. "She uses too many four-letter
words for me," was the reply. "Really?"
"Yes," answered the playboy. "All evening long she was saying
"don't" and "stop" and "quit that."
02-19-10, 08:35 PM #16762
LIttle RALPHY ON MATH??
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on A fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left???
She calls on little Ralphy. He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'
Then Little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for you; There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied; 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH - 2
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?'asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f...... Difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'
LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMER
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice. First,she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Ver good, Suzie,' replied the teacher.. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully..'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f....... beautiful!''
LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you.. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f...... business.
02-21-10, 08:10 PM #16763
Two deaf people get married and during the first week of marriage they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom with the lights out since they can't see each other signing, or read lips. After several nights of fumbling around and many misunderstandings, the wife figures out a solution.
She writes a note to her husband: 'Honey, Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast two times.
The husband thinks this is a great idea. He writes back to his wife That if she wants to have sex with him, reach over and pull on his penis one time. If she doesn't want to have sex, pull on his penis three hundred and fifty times.
02-22-10, 09:30 PM #16764
Father O'Malley and The Mule
Every once in awhile you hear a good CLEAN joke that you feel obligated to pass along, and this is one of them.
Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a mule lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the US House of Representatives for assistance.
The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is speaker Pelosi. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin."
02-24-10, 08:27 AM #16765
02-24-10, 09:29 AM #16766
02-24-10, 02:37 PM #16767
I'm sure that you have seen pharmaceutical
advertising in doctor's offices on everything
from tissues to note pads.
Well this one may win the prize...
I e-mailed it to my Japanese doctor friend.
He e-mailed back:
"If light stay on more than 4 hours, call erectrician."
02-24-10, 04:52 PM #16768
Swiss Army Knife
02-25-10, 01:49 PM #16769
Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on eBay?
I put in a bid for a “Mickey Mouse Outfit”, and now it seems I'm only six minutes away from owning Obama and his cabinet....
02-25-10, 03:17 PM #16770
Irish Virginity Test
Planning to marry, Paddy asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit.... a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."
Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"
The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...', you hit her with the shovel.'
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