Chuckles of the Day... - Page 1116
  1. #16726
    The two cute, young, lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for my birthday..

    I was quite surprised, when they gave me a Rolex !!
    It was very nice of them,......
    but I think they misunderstood me, when I said:
    "I wanna watch !!"



  2. #16727
    You all have probably heard this but here goes anyway.
    A Marine and sailor were in a barber shop getting their hair cut ,and the barber ask the sailor "do you want this smelly stuff on your hair" the sailor said Hell No ,my wife will think I've been in a ***** house.He ask the Marine the same thing and the Marine said sure My wife's never been in a ***** house..


  3. #16728
    I'm not sure if this was posted here before but here it goes:

    My wife and I were talking about managing our money better. We came to a conclusion that we can't afford to waste money on beer anymore. Then, I caught her spending $60 on make up.

    When I asked her about it she said "I need the make up to look pretty for you."

    So I told her "Well thats what the beer was for"

    I dont think she's coming back.


  4. #16729
    Ole and Sven have a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, both
    die, and go to Hell.

    The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.
    He says to them, 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?'

    Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of
    snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit,
    ya know.'

    The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up
    the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from
    Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling
    Walleye and drinking beer.

    The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery,
    and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves!'

    Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up
    dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's
    dis nice.'

    The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he
    comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have
    been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off.
    The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable towail, moan, or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.

    The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the
    heat you're happy. Now it’s freezing cold and you're still happy.
    What is wrong with you two?'

    They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya
    know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean dat Massachusetts elected
    dat Republican Senator!"


  5. #16730
    AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES



    THESE REALLY WORK!! They have been checked this out on Snopes and it's for real!

    AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:
    1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.

    2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY USING THE SINK

    3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

    4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

    5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.

    6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE.

    7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

    DAILY THOUGHT:
    SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKIES - NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS.


  6. #16731
    A teacher in a Detroit kindergarten class asked the kids what kind of sound a pig makes.

    Little Trevon stood up and yelled:

    “FREEZE, MUTHAFUKA!!”
    I guess there aren’t many farms in Detroit ...


  7. #16732
    Mohammed entered his classroom on the first day of school.

    "What is your name?" - asked the teacher.

    "Mohammed". . . answered the kid.

    "You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny," -replied the teacher...

    In the evening, Mohammed returned home. "How was your day, Mohammed?" - asked his mother.

    "My name is not Mohammed. I'm in America and now my name is Johnny."

    "Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you! - and she beat him. Then she called his father and he also beat him.

    The next day Mohammed returned to school.

    When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked, "What happened to you little Johnny"?

    "Well ma'am, 6 hours after becoming an American, I was attacked by two ****ing Arabs."







  8. #16733
    Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

    Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

    Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

    You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

    She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said, "Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

    Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
    "Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

    Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"

    "Here it comes."
    ~~~~


  9. #16734
    I got a new stick of deodorant today.
    The instructions said: Remove cap and push up bottom.

    I can barely walk, but whenever I fart the room smells lovely.


  10. #16735
    ONLY A "DOG PERSON" WOULD TRULY APPRECIATE THIS!





    Stay!


    I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the

    local shopping center and rolled

    Down the car windows to make sure my


    Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.







    She was stretched full-out on the back seat


    And I wanted to impress upon her that she must

    remain there.
    I walked to the curb backward,Pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,




    'Now you stay. Do you hear me?''Stay! Stay!'

    The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady,


    Gave me a strange look and said,







    'Why don't you just put it in Park?


  11. #16736
    Father O'Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington DC parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.

    He promptly called the US House of representatives for assistance.

    The conversation went like this: "Good morning. This is speaker Pelosi.

    How might I help you?"

    "And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St.Brigid's. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"

    Speaker Pelosi, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, "Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!" There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.

    Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin."


  12. #16737
    A little boy got on the bus and sat next to a man reading a book. The boy noticed that the man had his collar on backwards.

    The little boy asked the man why he wore his collar backwards.

    The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father.'



    The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.'


    The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many.'


    The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way!'


    The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds' and went back to reading his book.


    The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, 'Maybe you should wear a condom and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar.'


  13. #16738
    The Love Dress


    A woman stopped by unannounced at her son's house.

    She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

    She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law laying on

    the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and

    the aroma of perfume filled the room.



    'What are you doing?' she asked.


    'I'm waiting for Don to come home from work,' the

    daughter-in-law answered.



    'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.


    'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.



    'Love dress? But you're naked!'



    'Mike loves me to wear this dress,' she explained. 'It

    excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this

    dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages

    me for hours on end .. He can't get enough of me.'


    The mother-in-law left .....

    When she got home, she undressed, showered, put

    on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a

    romantic CD, laid on the couch waiting for her husband

    to arrive.


    Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and

    saw her laying there so provocatively.



    'What are you doing?' he asked.



    'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.



    'Needs ironing,' he said. ..... 'What's for dinner?



    HE NEVER HEARD THE SHOT.....


  14. #16739
    BEST PICK UP LINE I EVER HEARD ...

    A Texas cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
    He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

    The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

    "No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

    The intrigued woman says, "a state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

    The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

    The lady says, "What's it telling you now? "Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.

    "The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

    The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast, again."


  15. #16740
    As the plumber said to the housewife who didn’t have
    quite enough to pay him and offered to take it in trade,
    as he slipped washer after washer over his penis until
    only the head was left uncovered, “Honey, you don’t think
    you’re going to get it all for only $ 2.75!”



    That reminds me of a girl I once met,
    she asked me to put both my hands inside her,
    when I finally managed to do that she said,
    “Now clap your hands.”
    I said,”I can’t.”
    Then she said, “Tight little jewel isn’t it!”


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