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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
11-14-09, 07:58 AM #16606
Morning joke condensed
Barack Obama dies and goes to heaven. God asks him what he believes. Barack replies: "I believe that you're sitting in my chair!" LOL
11-14-09, 08:03 AM #16607
Then Baraak Obama exits stage right.
11-14-09, 10:31 AM #16608
11-14-09, 11:59 AM #16609
11-14-09, 03:14 PM #16610
It's not my spelling of Seamus, but I can't be arsed to change them all!
Aer Lingus Flight 101 was flying from Heathrow to Dublin one night,with Paddy the Pilot, and Shamus the co-pilot. As they approached Dublin airport, they looked out the front window. "B'jeesus" said Paddy "Will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is". "You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus. "Dis is gonna be one a'de trickiest landings you're ever gonna see" said Paddy. "You're not fookin kiddin, Paddy" replied Shamus. "Right Shamus. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse" said Paddy. "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus. "And den ye put de flaps down straight away" said Paddy "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus. "And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can" said Paddy "Right, I'll be doing dat" replied Shamus. "And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a' your soul" said Paddy "I be doing dat already" replied Shamus.
So they approached the runway with Paddy and Shamus full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Shamus put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Shamus and everyone on board. As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Shamus "Dat has gotta be de' shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life". Shamus looked out the side window and replied "Yeah Paddy, but look how fookin wide it is".
11-14-09, 03:56 PM #16611
HAVE YOU HEARD: Sublime Wisdom
If the enemy is in range, so are you. - Infantry Journal
It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed - US. Air Force Manual
Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons - General Douglas MacArthur
You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
'Tracers work both ways.' - U.S. Army Ordnance
'Five second fuses only last three seconds.' - Infantry Journal
Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.
'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do' - Unknown Marine Recruit
'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.' - USAF Ammo Troop
'Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.' - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
'Even with ammunition, the U.S. Air Force is just another expensive flying club.'
'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.'
'Never trade luck for skill.'
The three most common expressions (or famous last words), in aviation are: 'Why is it doing that?' , 'Where are we?' , and ...'Oh S...!'
'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we have never left one up there!'
'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.' - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
Airman, maintain thy air speed, lest the earth rise up and smite you!
There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime - Sign over the Squadron Ops. Desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.
You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.
[Source: Veterans’ Corner w/Michael Isam 4 Nov 09 ++]
11-14-09, 07:59 PM #16612
11-16-09, 07:33 PM #16613
This is good I don't know if it's already here or not but here goes.
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, "isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****ting me?
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about 20, medium height, and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And, Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No .
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
11-17-09, 02:27 PM #16614
The Aisle Seat
The Aisle Seat
Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of London. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, a U.S. Marine sat down in the aisle seat. After takeoff, the Marine kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a Coke.'
'Don't get up,' said the Marine, 'I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you.'
As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the Marine's shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned with the Coke the other
Arab said, 'That looks good, I'd really like one too.'
Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone, the other
Arab picked up the Marine's other shoe and spat in it.
When the Marine returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight..
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbors...
'Why does it have to be this way?
How long must this go on?
This fighting between our nations?
This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and pizzing in Cokes?'
THE FEW. THE PROUD. THE MARINES
11-17-09, 07:46 PM #16615
A "Short" Story
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two 'working girls' and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that from the next room, he hears his friend shouting out cries of, 'Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH!' Here I come again! ONE,TWO,THREE ... UGH!' Here I come again! ONE, TWO, THREE ... UGH! ... ALL NIGHT LONG.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, 'How did it go?' The first mutters, 'It was embarrassing I just couldn't get an erection.'
The second dwarf shook his head. 'You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't get on the bed.'
11-17-09, 11:17 PM #16616
11-18-09, 08:02 AM #16617
Hospital IRS Audit
At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there’s too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what’s left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the CFO, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO.
"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS Office, and about once a year they send us a complete Prick."
11-18-09, 12:10 PM #16618
Singing the Blues
I got this from a friend so here goes.
11-18-09, 03:08 PM #16619
COCK A DOODLE DO!!!
An old guy approaches the window of a movie theater with a rooster on his shoulder, and ask for two tickets.
The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. he replies: well, its my pet rooster, of course.
I"m sorry; the girl says,' we cant allow animals in the theater.
The guy goes around the corner and stuffs the rooster inside his pants.
He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes inside the theater: the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his pants so the chicken can stick his head out and watch the movie.
Seated next to him is a woman, she looks at his lap and
is horrified. She elbows her friend Myrtle and whispers; this man over here has just unzipped his pants!
Myrtle whispers back: oh dont worry about it.. if you"ve seen one. You"ve seen them all.
Agnes says ~~I KNOW!
But this ones eating my POPCORN!.
Photo on the Nightstand
After a night of making love the guy notices a photo of another man on the woman's nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry.
'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.
'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend, then?' he continues.
'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.
'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
'No, no, no! You are so cute when you're jealous!' she answers.
'Well, who in the heck is he, then?' he demands.
She whispers in his ear, 'That's me before the surgery.
11-18-09, 04:21 PM #16620
A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife, "Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!"
And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.
"Now watch," he said. Next he said, "D**k, ten-HUT!"
And with that, his d**k sprang to full erection. Then he said, "D**k, at EASE!"
And his d**k deflated again.
"Wow, that was amazing," said his wife. "Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!"
The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said, "Now watch this." Then he said "D**k, ten-HUT!"
And the d**k sprang to life. Then it was "D**k, at EASE!"
But nothing happened. So the guy again said, "D**k, at EASE!"
But still nothing happened. So the guy now says,"For the last time, you son-of-a-b***h, I said AT EASE!!"
Still nothing. Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.
"What in the world are you doing?" she asked.
The guy says, "I'm givin' this son-of-a-b***h a dishonorable discharge
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