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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
11-10-03, 01:18 PM #5071
Baby Boomer Quiz
At 04:12 AM 9/16/00 EDT, you wrote:
>You have 2 baby boomer quizzes on your site. The URL's are:
>You credit the Funny Bone for the quizzes. But they stole them from me.
>I am the author of the Official Baby Boomer Qualifying Exams, which you
>have copied, word for word, on your site.
>This is copyrighted material; it is not in the public domain. You may put
>a link to Baby Boomer HeadQuarters on your site: http://www.bbhq.com -
>but you may not post my copyrighted material.
>This is not a trivial matter; this is copyright infringement. I do not
>treat the theft of my intellectual property lightly.
>Please remove my quiz from your site. I will check back in five days to
>ensure that you have done so.
>Thank you for your cooperation and prompt attention to this matter.
>Hershel M. Chicowitz
>Baby Boomer HeadQuarters
Date: Sat, 16 Sep 2000 07:57:47 -0700 (PDT)
From: "Thomas S. Ellsworth"
Subject: Re: baby boomer exams on your site
No problem. Things are passed around the internet so many times that
authorship is often lost. I always believe in giving credit where credit is
due. When this does happen at Good Clean Fun, most people choose to have
authorship information added to the posting along with a link back to their
site. Evidently this is not the case here. Your wish is for me to remove the
piece. So be it. When you "check back in 5 days" you will find this letter
replacing the posted material.
(Good Clean Fun moderator, owner, and guy who takes out the trash)
11-10-03, 01:19 PM #5072
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town shopping. He decided to go fishing so he took her with him.
"I'll never do that again!" he told his mother that evening. "I didn't catch a thing!"
"Oh, next time I'm sure she'll be quiet and not scare the fish away," his mother said.
The boy said, "It wasn't that. She ate all the bait."
11-10-03, 01:19 PM #5073
Used to being the center of attention, Robbie was a little more than jealous of his new baby sister. The parents sat him down and said that now that she was getting older, the house was too small and they'd have to move. "It's no use." Robbie said, "She's crawling good now and she'd probably just follow us."
11-10-03, 01:20 PM #5074
A young man volunteered to babysit one night so his mom could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to watch football. One child kept creeping down the stairs but the young man kept sending him back.
At 9:00 p.m., the doorbell rang. It was the next-door neighbor Mrs. Brown, asking whether her son was there. The young man brusquely replied, "No". Just then a little head appeared over the bannister and a voice shouted, "I'm here Mom but he won't let me go home."
11-10-03, 06:50 PM #5075
I hate those hoax e-mail warnings, but this one is important.
> > IF A MAN COMES TO YOUR FRONT DOOR AND SAYS HE IS CONDUCTING A SURVEY AND
ASKS YOU TO SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS, DO NOT SHOW HIM YOUR BOOBS. THIS IS A SCAM.
> > HE ONLY WANTS TO SEE YOUR BOOBS.
> > I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid.
> > Signed,
> > The Blonde
11-10-03, 06:51 PM #5076
Aerobics For your Brain 2
1) How can you arrange for two people to stand on the same piece of newspaper and yet be unble to touch each other without stepping off the newspaper.
(2) How many 3-cent stamps are there in a dozen?
(3) A rope ladder hangs over the side of a ship. The rungs are one foot apart and the ladder is 12 feet long. The tide is rising at four inches an hour. How long will it take before the first four rungs of the ladder are underwater?
(4) Which would you rather have, a gallon jar full of nickels or a gallon jar half full of dimes?
(5) Steve has three piles of sand and Mike has four piles of sand. All together, how many do they have?
(6) In which sport are the shoes made entirely of metal?
(7) If the Vice-President of the United States should die, who would be President?
(8) How can you throw a golf ball with all your might and -- without hitting a wall or any other obstruction -- have the ball stop and come right back to you?
(9) According to most state laws, the attempt to commit a certain crime is punishable, but actually committing the crime is not. What is the crime?
(10) Find the English word that can be formed from all these letters:
(11) How many times can you subtract 2 from the numeral 9?
(12) If you take two apples from three apples, how many apples will you have?
(13) If you are standing on a hard floor, how can you drop an egg three feet without breaking the egg?
(Scroll down for the answers)
(1) Slide the newspaper half way under a closed door and ask the two people to stand on the bit of newspaper on their side of the door.
(2) There are twelve (not four).
(3) Actually, the ladder will rise with the ship!
(4) Dimes are smaller than nickels, so choose the dimes!
(5) When they put them all together, there will be one pile.
(6) Horse racing.
(7) The President.
(8) Throw the ball straight up.
(11) Just once. Then you'd be subtracting 2 from the numeral 7, then 2 from the numeral 5, and so forth.
(12) You will have two apples.
(13) Hold the egg more than three feet above the ground when you drop it.
11-10-03, 06:51 PM #5077
With some misgivings, we left a young baby-sitter in charge of our three energetic youngsters.
When we returned a few, hours later, she was sitting alone watching TV.
I went to check on the children, and found them in our narrow hallway. By bracing their arms and legs against the walls, two of them had climbed up to the ceiling.
"The baby-sitter taught us how," they said gleefully.
The sitter joined me, her face a deep red. "Since they had me climbing the walls, I figured they might as well be too," she stammered.
We kept the same girl for the next two years.
11-10-03, 06:52 PM #5078
Our Lamaze class included a tour of the pediatric wing of the hospital. When a new baby was brought into the nursery, all the women tried to guess its weight, but the guy standing next to me was the only male to venture a number.
"Looks like 9 pounds," he offered confidently.
"This must not be your first," I said.
"Oh, yes," he said. "It's my first."
"Then how would you know the weight of a baby?" I asked.
He shrugged. "I'm a fisherman."
11-10-03, 06:53 PM #5079
Bachelor Food Storage Guide
Here it is, the secret chart used by bachelors worldwide, because they don't have wives who can recognize on sight (and sometimes before) when the Big Mac has become one with the special sauce.
ICE CREAM - If you can't tell the difference between your ice cubes and your ice cream, it's time to throw BOTH out.
FROZEN FOODS - Frozen foods that have become an integral part of the defrosting problem in your freezer compartment will probably be spoiled (or wrecked anyway) by the time you pry them out with a kitchen knife.
IN THE FRIDGE:
EGGS - When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the egg is probably past its prime.
DAIRY PRODUCTS - Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt. Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like cottage cheese. Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look like regular cheese. Regular cheese is nothing but spoiled milk anyway -- if you can dig down and still find something non-green, bon appetite!.
MEAT - If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from a three-block radius to congregate outside your house, toss the meat.
LETTUCE - Bibb lettuce is spoiled when you can't get it off the bottom of the vegetable crisper without Comet and a brillo pad. Romaine lettuce is spoiled when it turns liquid. Endive never spoils, but you will never eat it anyway.
MAYONNAISE: If it makes you violently ill after you eat it, the mayonnaise is spoiled. Permanently.
CARROTS - A carrot you can tie a clove hitch in is no longer fresh.
CHIP DIP - If you can take it out of its container and bounce it on the floor, it has gone bad.
UNMARKED ITEMS: You know it is well beyond prime when you're tempted to discard the Tupperware along with the food. Generally speaking, Tupperware containers should not burp when you open them. If the original can you put it away in has finally lost it's label, it's probably done.
EMPTY CONTAINERS: Putting empty containers back into the refrigerator is a fine old trick, but it only works if you live with someone else.
ON THE SHELF:
CANNED GOODS - Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a softball should be disposed of ... Very carefully.
WINE - Should not be confused with salad dressing.
POTATOES - Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense, leafy undergrowth.
THE GAG TEST - Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers from what you cooked for yourself last night).
GENERAL RULE OF THUMB: - Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.
BREAD: Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable "spots" that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are good indications that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment. You may wish to discard it at this time, depending on your interest in pharmaceuticals.
CEREAL: It is generally a good rule of thumb that cereal should be discarded when it is two years or longer beyond the expiration date, or when it will no longer fall out of the box by itself.
FLOUR: Flour is spoiled when it wiggles, or things fly out when you open it.
PRETZELS: Normally eternal, pretzels may be discarded if they can no longer be picked up without falling apart. Otherwise, there's nothing to stop you from eating a pretzel that the Pharaoh put down only 4000 years ago.
RAISINS: Raisins should not usually be harder than your teeth.
SALT: It never spoils. However, if you can't chip off reasonable amounts from the block, maybe another box is in order, as fresh salt usually pours.
SPICES: Most spices cannot die, they just fade away. They will be fine on your shelf, forever. Put them in your will.
VINEGAR: If your grandmother made it, it is probably still good.
EXPIRATION DATES: This is not a marketing ploy to encourage you to throw away perfectly good food so that you'll spend more on groceries. Even dry foods older than you are may be ready to replace. Perhaps you'd benefit by having a calendar in your kitchen.
11-10-03, 06:53 PM #5080
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish'".
11-10-03, 06:54 PM #5081
The middle-aged man was shuffling along, bent over at the waist, as his wife helped him into the doctor's waiting room. A woman in the office viewed the scene in sympathy. "Arthritis with complications?" she asked.
The wife shook her head, "No .... Do-it-yourself," she explained, "with concrete blocks."
11-10-03, 06:54 PM #5082
Back to School
The Winter Break was over and the teacher was asking the class about their vacations. She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the break.
"We visited my grandmother in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania," he replied.
"That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word," the teacher said. "Can you tell the class how you spell 'Punxsutawney'?"
Little Johnny thought about it and said, "You know, come to think of it, we went to Ohio."
11-11-03, 08:03 AM #5083
My wife and I get along just great, except that she's a backseat driver second to none. On my way home from work one day, I heard my cell phone ring as I merged onto a freeway bypass.
It was my wife. By chance, she had entered the bypass right behind me.
"Honey," she said, "your turn signal is still on. And put on your lights. It's starting to rain."
11-11-03, 08:04 AM #5084
In the backwoods of Tennessee, the man's wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
"Whoa there," said the doctor, "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down ... I think there's yet another one to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern. It seems there's yet another one in there!" cried the doctor.
The backwoods man scratched his head in bewilderment and asked the doctor, "Do you think it's the light what's attractin' 'em?"
11-11-03, 08:04 AM #5085
Computer user on the phone to Technical Support:
"My files are gone! The hard drive crashed! What should I do!"
"Did you back up?"
Computer user sincerely alarmed:
"Why? Is my computer going to blow up?"
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