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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
06-10-09, 12:09 PM #16366
Ever Riden a Honda?*
A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway. While passing a car, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window, "Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't"
The biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window: "Yes?"
"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"No I haven't"
Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off the road into a ditch. A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker. Covered in blood, the biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"
"Yes I have. I had a Honda for 20 years."
The biker says, "Tell me, where are the brakes?"
06-12-09, 12:57 PM #16367
It is the month of August, a resort town sits next to the shores of a lake. It is raining, and the little town looks totally deserted. It is tough times, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.
Suddenly, a rich tourist comes to town.
He enters the only hotel, lays a 100 dollar bill on the reception counter, and goes to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one.
The hotel proprietor takes the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the butcher.
The Butcher takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the pig raiser.
The pig raiser takes the 100 dollar bill, and runs to pay his debt to the supplier of his feed and fuel.
The supplier of feed and fuel takes the 100 dollar bill and runs to pay his debt to the town's prostitute that in these hard times, gave her ôservices" on credit.
The hooker runs to the hotel, and pays off her debt with the 100 dollar bill to the hotel proprietor to pay for the rooms that she rented when she brought her clients there.
The hotel proprietor then lays the 100 dollar bill back on the counter so that the rich tourist will not suspect anything.
At that moment, the rich tourist comes down after inspecting the rooms, and takes his 100 dollar bill, after saying that he did not like any of the rooms, and leaves town.
No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now without debt, and looks to the future with a lot of optimism .
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the United States Government is doing business today.
06-12-09, 12:58 PM #16368
I know the counselor said we shouldn't contact each other during our "cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make contact. In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride has cost me a lot of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as one of us does.
Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our hurt. And this is what my heart says "There's no one like you, Connie." I look for you in the eyes and breasts of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two weeks ago, I met this girl at Flamingos and brought her home with me. I don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my desperation.
She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I mean, just a perfect body. Tits like you wouldn't believe and an ass that just wouldn't quit. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made important in our lives. It's all so superficial.
What does a perfect body mean? Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes, but you see what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a better heart than my moderately attractive Connie? I doubt it. And I never really thought of that before.
I don't know, maybe I'm just growing up a little. Later, after I'm tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I found myself thinking, "Why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but something else. Some nagging feeling of loss. Why did it feel so incomplete? And then it hit me. It didn't feel the same because you weren't there to watch. Do you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Connie, I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of you.
Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met at the Holiday Inn lounge last year? Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what she meant till later, but that's not the real story.
Anyway, we had a few glasses of wine and the next thing you know, we're banging away in our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's giving me everything, you know, like a real woman does when she's not hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us. And all of a sudden, she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad, too. Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Connie ever put the mirror on the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never used it as a sex toy."
Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time. She's given me lots of good advice about you and about women in general. She's pulling for us to get back together, Connie, she really is. So we're doing Jell-O shots in a hot bubble bath and talking about happier times. Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just about makes me cry.
And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole anal thing, that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness between us. But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Connie. In your heart you must know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just wipe out all the grievances away and start fresh? I think we can.
If you feel the same please, please, please let me know.
06-14-09, 11:23 AM #16369
Three drunks, Bubba, Earl and Jeb, were walking home late one night and found themselves on the road that led past the old graveyard.
“Come have a look over here”, says Bubba, “It’s Zeb Jones’ grave. Bless his soul, he lived to the ripe old age of 87.”
“That’s nothing”, says Earl, “here’s one named Butch Smith. It says here that he was 95 when he died.”
Just then, Jeb yells out, “But here’s a fella that died when he was 145 years old!”
“What was his name?” asks Bubba.
Jeb lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, “Miles, from Georgia.”
06-14-09, 11:25 AM #16370
The sheriff of a small town was also the town’s veterinarian.
One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, “Is your husband there?”
“Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?” the wife asked.
“Both!” was the reply. “We can’t get our dog’s mouth open, and there’s a burglar in it.”
06-17-09, 08:55 AM #16371
It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two
in it, but here is one:
Two tall trees, a
birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?' The birch
says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the
The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can
you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies,
'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is,
however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.
Now wipe that smile off
your face. And pass it on.
06-17-09, 06:20 PM #16372
A Little Three Year-old Boy Is Sitting On The Toilet.
His Mother Thinks He Has Been In There Too Long,
So She Goes In To See What's Up.
The Little Boy Is Gripping On To The Toilet Seat With His Left Hand
And Hitting Himself On Top Of The Head With His Right Hand.
His Mother Says:
"billy, Are You Alright?
You've Been In Here For Awhile."
"i'm Fine, Mommy.
I Just Haven't Gone 'doody' Yet."
"ok, You Can Stay Here A Few More Minutes..
But, Billy, Why Are You Hitting Yourself On The Head?"
"works For Ketchup."
06-18-09, 03:01 PM #16373
The Funeral Procession
A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50
feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Be hind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man
walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a
bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose
funeral is it?'
''What happened to her?'
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'
He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when
the dog turned on her.'
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
'Can I borrow the dog?'
The man replied, 'Get in line.
06-19-09, 08:47 PM #16374
Two guys are drinking in a bar.
One says: "Did you know that Moose have sex
10 to 15 times a night?"
"Aw shiat !!!!" says his friend, "And I just joined the VFW!"
06-21-09, 07:20 PM #16375
The Alligator shoes
A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking..
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, 'Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of shoes for free!'
The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, 'Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?'
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank nearby were 7 more huge dead gators, all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement. The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.
Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration,
THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT,TOO!'
06-22-09, 03:04 PM #16376
Navy Seals rescue statement
The US Navy has stated that the Navy Seals could have acted faster
when rescuing the captain of the Maersk Alabama last month, but
had to wait until the White House could confirm that none of the
pirates were related to Obama or currently held positions as
06-24-09, 11:54 AM #16377
Army Recruiting Poster
06-25-09, 11:01 PM #16378
You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you
pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could
only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part
of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going
to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend
because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay
him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
.................... The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had
no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the
car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would
stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought
limitations. Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'
The correct answer actually is to run the old lady over and put her out of
her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then
drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
God, I just love happy endings, Ken
06-26-09, 03:13 PM #16379
While walking down the street one day a politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. "Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter.
"Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," says the politician.
"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the politician.
"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."
The politician reflects for a minute, then answers: "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and grins menacingly.
"I don't understand," stammers the politician. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.
The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning.
Today you voted for us!"
06-26-09, 03:13 PM #16380
One afternoon the socialist leader of country that no longer exists (USSR) was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Pretending to be disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.
He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."
"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the socialist said.
"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the socialist replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all, as well," the socialist answered.
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the socialist and said, "Sir, you are too kind." "Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The socialist replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high!"
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