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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
08-20-03, 06:44 AM #3616
The first grade teacher was starting a new lesson on multi-syllable words. She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few of the children examples of words with more than one syllable.
"Jane, Do you know any multi-syllable words?"
"After some thought Jane proudly replied with Monday."
"Great Jane. That has two syllables, Mon......day"
"Does anyone know another word."
"I do! I do!" replied Johnny.
Knowing Johnny's more mature sense of humor she picks Mike instead.
"OK Mike, what is your word."
"Saturday." says Mike.
"Great, that has three syllables..."
Not wanting to be outdone Johnny says "I know a four syllable word. Pick me! Pick me!"
Not thinking he can do any harm with a word that large the teacher reluctantly says, "O.K. Johnny what is your four syllable word?"
Johnny proudly says, "Mas...tur...ba...tion."
Shocked, the teacher, trying to retain her composure says, "Wow, Johnny. Four syllables! That's certainly is a mouthful."
"No Ma'am, you're thinking of 'blowjob', that's only two syllables!"
08-20-03, 06:45 AM #3617
Making the Right Choice
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom so long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer. If, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed. The question was, "What do women really want?"
Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end. Arthur returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. What most people told him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived, and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. The witch was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, she had only one tooth, she smelled like sewage water, and she often made obscene noises. He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.
Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question: "What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life."
Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom. What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.
The wedding night approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she had been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which, she asked, would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?
What a cruel question. Gawain began to think of his predicament: During the day, he could have a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, he would be with an old spooky witch. Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments? What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.
Noble Gawain replied that he would let the witch choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.
What is he moral of this story? The moral is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly; underneath it all, she's still a witch.
08-20-03, 06:46 AM #3618
How to cook a Turkey
- Go buy a turkey
- Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) OR JD
- Put turkey in the oven
- Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
- Set the degree at 375 ovens
- Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
- Turn oven the on
- Take 4 whisks of drinky
- Turk the bastey
- Whiskey another bottle of get
- Stick a turkey in the thermometer
- Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
- Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
- Take the oven out of the turkey
- Take the oven out of the turkey
- Floor the turkey up off of the pick
- Turk the carvey
- Get yourself another scottle of botch
- Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
- Bless the saying, pass and eat out
08-20-03, 01:37 PM #3619
Whats that for????
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up
> >behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan.
> >"What was that for?" he asked.
> >"That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name
> >Lou written on it," she replied.
> >"Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of
> >the horses I bet on," he explained.
> >"Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a
> >Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked
> >hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which
> >him out cold.
> >When he came to, he asked, "What was that for?"
> >She replied, "Your horse called."
08-20-03, 01:38 PM #3620
THE GUNNY ALWAYS HAS THE ANSWER ...
The young lieutenant approached the crusty old gunny and asked him about the origin of the commissioned officer insignias.
"Well, lieutenant," he said, "it's history and tradition. First, we give you a gold bar representing that you're valuable BUT malleable. The silver bar of a first lieutenant represents value, but less malleable. When you make captain, you're twice as valuable so we give you two silver bars. As a colonel, you soar over military masses, hence the eagle. As a general, you're obviously a star. ...That answer your question, Lieutenant?"
"Well, yeah Gunny, but what about majors and lieutenant colonels?"
"Now that goes waaaaaay back in history, said the Gunny. Back to the Garden of Eden even. You see, we have always covered our pricks with leaves... "
08-21-03, 06:52 AM #3621
Like a Straw
There were these two not so bright guys who had to get across the desert. Since they didn't have enough money for a car they decided to buy a camel.
The camel dealer promised them that the camel would get them across the desert if they made sure he was full of water before they left. They took the camel down to the water hole, but the camel would not drink. So finally the first guy says: "I have an idea, why don't I hold his head down in the water and you suck on his butt. That way the water will be drawn up into him like a straw." The second gut thought about this for a while and finally agreed.
After a while the first guy asks "Well is it working?"
The second guy replied "I think it is going to work, but you have to pick his head up just a little because I'm just getting mud."
08-21-03, 06:54 AM #3622
Gorilla In a Tree
As he was quietly watching television at home, the chap heard a sound on the roof of his house and rushed out to investigate. Seeing it was a fair-sized gorilla tearing the shingles off his home, he promptly called up the local zoo authorities to inform them one of their animals had escaped. He was reassured that a gorilla recovering units was on the way and to remain calm.
A few minutes later, an old beat up truck, displaying the Gorilla recovery unit logo on its panels, pulled up to the house. The elderly driver proceeds to recover from the back of the truck, a chiwawa dog, a pair of handcuffs, a ladder, a baseball bat, and a 12-gauge shotgun. Puzzled on how this lone elderly was to solve the problem of this gorilla that had by now torn half the roof apart, the chap asked him how he would go about doing this. As he handed him over the 12-gauge shotgun, the zoo employee explained the plan:
"First I'll climb up there with the ladder. Then I'll approach the gorilla and knock him off the roof using the baseball bat. As soon as the gorilla hits the ground, the specially trained chiwawa will attack its private parts. When I get back on the ground, the gorilla will have lowered its hands to its groin area to protect itself thus making it easy for me to slip on the handcuffs. Then, I lead him to the truck, lock him up and take him back to the zoo..."
Amazed at the procedure, the somewhat startled house owner asked why he was handed the 12-gauge shotgun?
"Well," explained the experienced gorilla retriever, "It's just a precaution should things not go exactly as planned. In the unlikely event that once on the roof the gorilla knocks me off with the baseball, shoot the dog."
08-21-03, 06:55 AM #3623
Who Runs Faster?
Two guys were walking through the jungle. All of a sudden, a tiger appeared from a distance, running toward them. One of the guys took out a pair of Nikes from his bag and started to put them on. The other guy, with a surprised look on his face, exclaimed, "Do you think you will run faster than the tiger with those?"
His friend replied, "I don't have to outrun it, I just have to run faster than you."
08-21-03, 06:56 AM #3624
There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette.
They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't, the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, "I'll get off."
After a really touching speech from the brunette about how she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping.
08-21-03, 06:56 AM #3625
A Fly in my Beer
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, but then held it out over the beer and yelled, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!!"
08-21-03, 06:57 AM #3626
A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million-dollar houses.
On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."
The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course.
The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost."
They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, "Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.
A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?"
"Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied.
"No, actually, I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."
"Okay, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."
"No problem -- it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.
"I want a house in every country of the world," she said.
"Consider it done," the genie replied.
"And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looked at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."
The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours.
After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?"
"Thirty-five," she replied.
"And he still believes in genies? ... That's amazing."
08-21-03, 06:58 AM #3627
Teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.
One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher.
"My momma had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher.
Finally Little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him.
"I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns."
The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?"
"It'll teach those indians not to **** with the Lone Ranger."
08-21-03, 06:59 AM #3628
A grad student, a post-doc, and a professor are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the grad student. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman who sunbathes topless." Poof! He's gone.
"Me next! Me next!" says the post-doc. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! He's gone.
"You're next," the genie says to the professor.
The professor says, "I want those guys back in the lab after lunch."
08-21-03, 06:59 AM #3629
Buckwheat and Darla were in school, and the teacher asked Darla, "How do you spell 'dumb'?"
Darla said, "D-u-m-b, dumb."
The teacher said, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."
The girl said, "Buckwheat is dumb."
Now spell "stupid."
Darla said, "S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid."
The teacher said, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."
Darla said, "Buckwheat is stupid."
Then the teacher called on Buckwheat and said, "Buckwheat, spell 'dictate.'"
Buckwheat stood up and said, "D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate."
The teacher replied, "Very good. Now use it in a sentence."
"I may be dumb, and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good."
08-21-03, 07:00 AM #3630
Forgive Me Sister
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.
She answers, 'My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun a long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween party."
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