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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
06-26-03, 06:29 AM #2941
A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed. A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "130." So the robot proceeded to make conversation about physics, astronomy, and so on. The man listened intently and thought, "This is really cool."
Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man responded, "100." So the robot started talking about the football, baseball and so on. The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is really cool."
A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?" The man replied, "70." The robot then said, "So, how are things with the Democrats these days?"
06-26-03, 06:33 AM #2942
Jesus in the bar
Jesus recently walked into a bar somewhere in the Western World. He approached three sad-faced gentlemen at a table, and greeted the first one: "What's troubling you, brother?" he said.
"My eyes. I keep getting stronger and stronger glasses, and I still can't see."
Jesus touched the man, who ran outside to tell the world about his now 20-20 vision.
The next gentleman couldn't hear Jesus' questions, so The Lord just touched his ears, restoring his hearing to perfection. This man, too, ran out the door, probably on his way to the audiologist to get a hearing-aid refund.
The third man leapt from his chair and backed up against the wall, even before Jesus could greet him.
"Don't you come near me, man! Don't touch me!" he screamed. "I'm on disability!"
06-26-03, 06:33 AM #2943
Perverse Guide to Jobhunting
Chapter 1 - The Resume
Your resume is a crucial document that summarizes the essence of your being to a potential employer. You must grab a personnel director's attention with your sheer, overpowering wonderfulness, or your vitae will wind up lining the bottom of her parakeet's cage. Write a boring resume and you might as well run down now and join the other unemployed grads behind the appliance store, fighting for the choicest refigerator carton to live in.
To grab an employer's jaded eye you must create the written equivalent of a banshee wail! Print your resume on hunter's orange paper, so it nearly leaps out of the stack. Experiment with striking fonts, and use as many as possible. Writing your name in 2 inch high 3-D Western style letters at the top says "Check ME out! I'm no shrinking violet!" Sprinkle a bit of your most sensual cologne on the sheet, and ladies, be sure to add a good lipstick smooch mark at the bottom. Don't forget your picture, too! Be sure and staple several of your best 8x10 glossies from Glamor Shots on top.
Now that you've achieved that visceral "oomph," it's time to polish the contents to bring out or even invent your positive qualities. Remember, a skilled wordsmith can transform any qualification or attribute, no matter how trifling, into a salable skill. Let's look at some examples of putting the best "spin" on a job seeker's skills:
"I flipped burgers for three weeks at Lardee's."
A mere burger flipper? Why sell yourself so short? Describe yourself as a "Grill Coordinator," or perhaps a "Culinary Technician."
"I subbed in for my nephew's paper route one weekend."
Ah! So you were previously employed in "Communication Services!" Describe yourself as a "Journalism Representative."
"I spent the last five years sitting on a couch eating Cheetos and watching Charlie's Angels reruns."
You can transform the pathetic into the energetic by referring to yourself as a "Consumer Broadcasting Specialist." Let them know how much time you've wisely invested in "Popular Drama Studies."
"I worked in telemarketing."
Die you scumbag.
"I like to drink 3 or 4 bottles of Night Train wine and pass out in a puddle of my own urine."
I see! An "Alternative Hygiene Researcher" who throws himself into his work!
Always remember to use active, "can-do" language in your resume, and be sure to include as many of the following terms as possible:
Excellence (can't get enough of this one!)
Like Working with People (as opposed to zoo animals)
Striving (everyone likes a striver!)
It may be useful to define these as keyboard macros immediately.
Chapter 2 - The Interview
So now you've got that big chance to shine in person. Once again, you've got to stand out from the crowd! First, consider your apparel carefully. Gold lame harem pants will leave a lasting impression, as will a nice fish or penis tie, available in classier novelty stores. Make these items staples of your professional wardrobe. Next, practice that handshake, and consider adding a little thumb twist manuever or a good high- five. And remember, no one likes shaking dry, chapped hands, so make sure yours are damp when you leave the restroom. Now jump right in, and distinguish yourself with your first words. Here's some suggestions for opening lines:
"The voices told me I'm perfect for this job."
"I can make an impressive incendiary device from just your tie, that pen, and a quart of anti-freeze."
"Maybe you can't tell, but I'm not wearing any underwear."
"Let's make this fast, I'm late for my medication."
"The foil wrapped around my head is to block out invisible rays."
"I was once abducted by a UFO, and the aliens let me pilot their starship."
"I brought my invisible friend, is that okay?"
"I have the gift of second sight, and if you step on Flight 109, it will be your last!"
Now that you've made a big impression, make sure you'll have plenty of time to expound upon your finer qualities. Consider handcuffing yourself to the interviewer's desk, or perhaps smear super-glue on your hand and grab them while shouting "Wonder twin powers, activate!"
Conclude the interview as notably as you began it. A gratuity is always welcome, so palm the interviewer a crisp new dollar in the closing handshake while saying "Guess Mr. Washington and I have this job wrapped up, huh? (wink, wink)" And certainly don't forget the follow-up! Unless a restraining order has been obtained by the employer, call collect every hour thereafter to remind them of your sincerity.
06-26-03, 06:34 AM #2944
Ride 'em, cowboy!
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in The Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?"
Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town.
Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"
06-26-03, 06:35 AM #2945
Guess he's a little anxious...
Three guys drive to a ski range and arrive late at night. They finally find a place to stay, but when they get to their room, they find that it only has one large bed, and this is the last room in the place. They decide, 'what the heck, it's only one night' and share the bed.
The next morning they all wake up. The guy on the left side of the bed says, "I had the strangest dream. I thought some guy was jerking me off." The guy on the other side of bed is shocked. "I had the same dream, too!"
The guy who slept in the middle says, "Well, I didn't have that dream. I thought I was skiing!"
06-26-03, 09:21 PM #2946
20 Year secrets
There was a couple that had been married for twenty years. Every time they made love the husband insisted on the lights being turned off. Well after 20 years the wife figured this was ridiculous and she was going to break him of this crazy habit. So one night when they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down..... and saw her husband was holding a battery operated pleasure device....,wonderful and larger than the real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent,fake!" she screamed at him,"how could you be lying to me all these years?You better explain yourself!!" The husband looks her straight in the eye and says, "I'll explain the toy.....if you explain the kids!!"
06-27-03, 12:55 AM #2947
A lady about eight months pregnant got on a bus and
took a seat. She noticed the man opposite her was
smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved
again. The man seemed more amused. Finally on her
fourth move, the man burst out laughing. She complained to the driver who radioed the police and the man was arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man
(about age 20) what he had to say for himself. The man replied,"Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her pregnant
condition. She sat under a sign that said, "The Double
Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned. Then she moved
and sat under a sign that said, "Sloan's Liniment will
reduce the swelling" and I had to smile. Then she
placed herself under a sign that said "William's Big
Stick Did the Trick" and I could hardly contain myself. BUT your Honor, when she moved the fourth time
and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could
have prevented this Accident...I just lost it."
06-27-03, 01:43 AM #2948
Did he go sking with his hands?
06-27-03, 06:28 AM #2949
Permission to initial, sir?
When I was a newly commissioned Lieutenant in the Army, I was assigned as a temporary assistant in an administrative office in a Military Intelligence unit. One day a long memo came around with a cover sheet instructing all assigned officers to read it and initial it as indication of their compliance. I figured it meant me too, so I read and initialed, BUT a few days later, it came back addressed specifically to me. An attached note read: "You are not permanently assigned to this unit and are thus not an authorized signee. Please erase your initials and initial your erasure."
06-27-03, 06:29 AM #2950
If only the IRS were run like Microsoft
"Government should be run like a business." We've all heard that chestnut. Here is how the Internal Revenue Service (nobody's favorite government agency) would be like, if only it were run like Microsoft Corp. (a successful private enterprise).
The IRS, as always, announces new tax forms will be mailed the week before the new year. However it will follow Microsoft's example and actually ship them the following May.
Responding to pressure from some large corporations and a users' group, some early copies of the tax forms will actually be released in March. The recipients must sign non-disclosure agreements.
In June, the forms will be recalled because the IRS loses a suit for appropriating some other country's intellectual property.
When you move, the IRS will continue to send mail to your previous address forevermore, just like Microsoft sends its product upgrade notices.
When you upgrade from form 1040 EZ to 1040 A, and then to 1040, you will pay an upgrade fee each time. Also you need to send in a new registration card and get a new Social Security Number. In order to upgrade, you have to submit the original first page of your previous year's form.
Like Microsoft, when you file a late or amended tax return the IRS will reject it on the grounds that the the prior year is no longer supported.
The IRS telephone help will remain similar to Microsoft's, staffed by ill-trained, high-turnover personnel who sometimes give a correct answer, but the IRS will have to discontinue using a toll-free phone number.
After struggling with reams of dense documentation of complex options and rules, you discover that you will need publication 3297, with a ten-word-long title, in order to answer (you hope) a single obscure question. The IRS, like Microsoft, will charge a minimum of $40 for that publication.
The IRS, like Microsoft, will continue to issue immense volumes of bug fixes, interpretations, and clarifications. However the tax-rule updates should be neither easily searchable nor well-indexed.
Instead of three-ring binders containing complete sets of tax code bugs and interpretations, IRS rulings will be promulgated in a haphazard fashion by individual taxpayers via BBS, Usenet, and Compuserve. A for- profit publishing subsidiary would also be nice.
The new all-powerful (and eccentric) Commissioner of Internal Revenue will jet around the country giving speeches and granting numerous interviews, but only to sycophantic reporters. Changes to the tax code will be at the whim of the Commissioner and largely kept secret until they are published.
06-27-03, 06:30 AM #2951
Anything for You
I had a major argument with my girlfriend, Helen. I was in the wrong, but not enough to back down without an argument.
So after storming away, and cooling off, I had a think. I was clearly in the wrong and felt pretty guilty, with all the trauma it had caused.
So to make it up to Helen, I said I'd buy her a gift.
"Any thing at all, my love," I said, overcome with remorse.
"Oh, I don't know," replied Helen,"You really shouldn't do this you know. But, if you are, just get me something really expensive, that I don't need."
The following day I booked her in for chemotherapy.
06-27-03, 06:32 AM #2952
It's dark in here...
The couple are merrily banging away, going ten to the dozen then she hears the sound of a car door slam shut.
"Oh ****" cries out the woman, "It's my husband coming home early." The man mutters "Holy ****" under his breath, panicking about his prediciment. "Quickly" the woman replies as she gathers up his clothes. "Take these and hide in the closet until the coast is clear." He picks up the offered garments and steals away to the large closet. He closes the door and crouches down.
After a while he gets the sneaking feeling that he's not entirly alone. "Dark in here, isn't it." The young boys voice confirms it. The womans son must have been hiding here during the whole sordid act. "Holy ****" the man mutters again. "Listen sonny. If I give you ten pounds will you keep all this to yourself and not tell anyone. The young lad thinks for a minute before saying "Tell you what, make it a fiver and you've got a deal. (Evidentally the lads state education wasn't totally wasted...).
The man hunts around for his wallet and pulls out some money, using the light beaming through the keyhole to deduce it's demonination. The boy quickly takes the money and tells the man that his secret is safe. He breaths a sigh of relief and eventually manages to escape.
The next day at breakfast the young lad pulls out the fiver from his pocket and starts to work out what he can buy with it.
"What's that?" his father demands. "A five pound note? Where did you get it from? Did you steal it?"
"No. I earned it" the boy wails.
"A likely story. You stole it didn't you?"
The father rises from his chair and removes the money from the boys' hands. "Go to confession this instant and pray for your forgivness, you thief."
The boy relucantly trudges off to the local Church, walks in and walks up to the confessional. Once at the door he pushes it open and finding it vacant, he walks in, closes the door and sits down.
"Oh, dark in here isn't it" the boy whispers.
A voice from the other side calls out : "Holy ****, not you again"
06-27-03, 06:33 AM #2953
Even best friends won't tell you
There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.
After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.
"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem." "A gas problem?" replied the doctor. "Yes. Yesterday afternoon I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh... silent gas emissions. Last night I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had
four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"
"Well," said the doctor thoughtfully, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test."
06-27-03, 06:34 AM #2954
Three nurses died and went to Heaven, where they were met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter.
To the first, he asked, "So, what did you used to do back on Earth? Why do you think you should be allowed to come into Heaven?"
"I was a nurse at an inner city hospital," she replied. "I worked to bring healing and peace to many sufferers, especially poor, helpless children."
"Very noble," said St. Peter. "You may enter." And in through the Gates she went.
To the next, he asked the same question, "So, what did you used to do?"
"I was a nurse at a missionary hospital in the Amazon basin," she replied. "For many years, I worked with a skeleton crew of doctors and nurses who tried to reach out to as many people across numerous tribes, with a hand of healing and peace, and with the message about God's love."
"How touching," said St. Peter. "You, too, may enter." And in she went.
He then came to the last nurse, to whom he asked, "So, what did you used to do back on Earth?"
After some hesitation, she explained, "I was just a nurse at an HMO."
St. Peter pondered this for a moment, and then said, "Ok, you may enter, too."
"Whew!" said the nurse. "For a moment there, I thought you weren't going to let me in."
"Oh, you can come in," said St. Peter, "but you can only stay for three days!"
06-27-03, 06:36 AM #2955
Cat owners will agree...
Top 10 reasons why kittens are better than babies:
10. Veterinarians have evening hours.
9. Your kitten won't be able to disturb the whole movie theater with its crying. Hell, you don't even have to take the kitten with you, and if you don't, you don't even't have to worry about whether or not the sitter is available tonight.
8. Your kitten won't grow out of those cute but expensive clothes within three months.
7. Kittens look cute if they haven't had a bath this month.
6. You probably don't have to lie awake nights wondering how you are going to finance your kitten's college (or high school) education.
5. No one will accuse you of being an unfit mother if you don't want to breast feed your kitten.
4. No one will accuse you of perversion or sexual abuse if you fondle your kitten.
3. Dan Quayle can't accuse you of destroying the moral fabric of the country if you aren't married to the father of your kitten. In fact, nobody will ever ask you if you know who the father is.
2. No one will question your abilities to function normally at your job when they hear you just got a kitten.
And the Number 1 reason:
1. You only have to change a litter box once a day.
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