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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
06-17-03, 06:35 AM #2806
More Stuff You Never See on Star Trek
Some other things that never happen on Star Trek...
A redshirt sneaks down a deserted corridor, turns a corner, and suddenly has a surprise birthday party.
A redshirt manages to avoid the thrown knife, phaser shot, arrow, or whatever.
McCoy says, "On second thought, maybe I'm a carpenter and NOT a doctor after all."
The deflector shields hold through the duration of the battle.
Kirk meets a woman whom he's known for years but never had sex with.
Sulu and Chekov get to do something interesting.
Kirk says, "Uhura, I'm frightened."
Kirk gets court-martialed for violating the Prime Directive.
A Klingon says to a companion, "Hey, I like you."
Harry Mudd manages to turn a healthy profit selling something legal.
An android race turns out to be completely friendly and not threatening or menacing in any way.
Some patient of McCoy's who's NOT a central character lives.
Riker manages to avoid seeming like a William Shatner clone.
The crew of the original Enterprise disperse, Sulu gets his own ship, and nobody suffers major emotional trauma.
A major character dies and isn't resurrected.
The mysterious giant threatening object is on a direct course for some world other than Earth.
Somebody says, "You know, the Enterprise-D looks really stupid! What is it, a Close Encounters reject?"
Artificial intelligence and android technology make human exploration of the galaxy obsolete.
McCoy says, "He'll live, Jim."
[Ed: My own additions]
Somebody vacations on a planet other than Raisa.
A major character has a serious character flaw.
A VIP visitor to the Enterprise is not a relative, lover or close friend of a major character.
06-17-03, 06:35 AM #2807
Mr. Cody was a well-known rector of a protestant church. One day he had been playing golf and after having a shower he was resting in the club room, dressed in a bathrobe. A stranger comes in, looks at him and tries in vain to remember who this guy is. Finally, he asks:
Where in Hell have I seen you before?
Cody: I don't know. Which part of Hell are you from?
06-17-03, 06:37 AM #2808
Pres. Bush, (NY) Gov. Cuomo, and (NJ) Gov. Florio are flying on a plane together. When they passed over New York, Cuomo wrote his name on two one dollar bills and threw them from the plane. Florio very curious about this action asked him why he had done it. Cuomo responded that he had just won two votes.
Florio, not wishing to be outdone, wrote his name on two one hundred dollar bills and threw them from the plane once they reached New Jersey. This caught the attention of President Bush, who inquired about this action. Florio explained about just winning two votes.
A few minutes later, Pres. Bush shoved both Cuomo and Florio from the plane. The pilot was shocked and asked the President why in the world he just killed two Governors. The President responded, "Simple, I just won two states."
06-17-03, 06:37 AM #2809
Improve World League American Football
Top ten proposed improvements for World League American Football for 1992
10. After ``big plays,'' pictures of players and what they really do for a living.
9. Winner of World Bowl plays NCAA division I runner-up.
8. Two expansion teams: the North Dakota Boredom and the Idaho Oat Bran.
7. Fans allowed to participate on 4th down.
5. Homer Simpson will be the announcer for the Monday night game.
4. ``Fan-appreciation'' night where the first 40,000 fans at any US home game get a free beer.
3. Use of wrestling referees who "miss vital calls."
2. Football-cam (now you can see the action at the source!)
1. Pre-season WLAF.
06-17-03, 06:38 AM #2810
"Jokes for women only" (Men, please excuse
A man came home from work early one day, and found his wife naked and panting on the bed. "Honey," she said, thinking quickly, "I think I'm having a heart attack!" While rushing to call the doctor, he nearly stumbled over his crying four year old, who told him there was a naked man in the closet. He ran to the closet, opened the door, and there was his best friend. "Damn it, Dave" he shouted, "Jill's having a heart attack and here you are scaring the hell out of the kids!"
06-17-03, 06:39 AM #2811
Popular European Languages
A small survey of some popular European languages:
Spanish-- Everything you say makes you sound hungry.
Russian--There are 33 different ways to say, "Comrade, pass the Vodka or I shoot you."
French--Every French sentence carries the implicit connotation that you want to have sex with the person you are talking to.
German--The German word for "hello" is "Echsteinlefahrtengruber." The German translation for "Hey Hans, what say tomorrow morning we climb into our tanks and roll over Poland?" is "Hans, Poland, ja?"
06-17-03, 06:40 AM #2812
Joke from AstroPhysicist Boyfriend
An astronomer on an extended lecture tour became weary of delivering the same lecture night after night. He confided this state of mind to his chauffeur as they were driving to their next destination. The chauffeur expressed a similar boredom in his line of work.
"I've got it!" said the astronomer. "You are bored with driving and I am weary of lecturing. Let's exchange places for one night. It will be a refreshing change for both of us. My lecture is all written out word for word and nobody in the next town knows me by sight anyway." The driver agreed and the exchange of roles and dress was made. That night the lecture hall filled to capacity. At the appointed time those in attendance heard a flawlessly delivered lecture. At its conclusion the lecturer basked in the euphoric applause. Then came the question and answer period.
"Who discovered Uranus?" came from a boy in the front.
"Uh...William Herschel." He remembered that from somewhere.
"And who discovered Pluto?" continued the boy.
"Aaaa...that would be Clyde Tombaugh." He had read a little.
Then from the back: "Would you please comment on the relative merits of the pulsation instability model and the accretion disk instability model for the explanation of outbursts of cataclysmic variable stars?"
The speaker paused for a moment, then said, "I am surprised that you would bother to ask me such a simple question. To show you how really simple it is I shall have my chauffeur answer it for you."
06-17-03, 08:07 AM #2813
DRUNKARD AND THE GHOST.....
A modest man was in the hospital for a series of test. One
of the last tests has left his system upset. Upon making
several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest
was another. But he completely filled his bed up with human
waste and was embarrassed beyond anything he could possible
Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the
bed sheets and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunkard was walking by the hospital when the sheets
landed on him. He started yelling, cussing and swinging his
arms which drew the attention of the security guard.
The security guard asked, "What's going on here?!?!?"
And the drunk replied, "I just beat the **** out of a
06-17-03, 08:09 AM #2814
A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl
across the street. The father being modern and well-schooled in handling
children, hid his smile behind his hand. "That's a serious step," he
said. "Have you thought it out completely" "Sure," his young son
answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers.
It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get lonely in the
"How about transportation?" the father asked.
"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy
answered. The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.
Finally, in exasperation, the man asked, "What about babies? When
you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."
"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied. "We're not
going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step
06-17-03, 04:04 PM #2815
A woman was leaving the 7-11 Store with her morning coffee when
she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the
A long black hearse was followed by a second
long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse
was a solitary woman walking a pit bull dog on a leash. Behind,
were 200 women walking single file.
The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached
the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss,
and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a
funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?
The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband."
What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my
Husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two
Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
06-17-03, 04:41 PM #2816
The Top Reasons When You Know You Have Been “Over Here” Too Long
10. You think a “West Coast Marine” is someone who lives at CampRhino
9. You know that 1 or two beers will make you dance on the tables and give up your car keys.
8. When you can tell the time by the prayer callers.
7. The Camp PAO solicits for a “Top 10 Ways You Know You’ve Been Over Here Too Long” List
6. The only reading entertainment left is going from porta-john to porta-john
5. Anything under 110 degrees is “kind of a nice day, and a good time for a quick run.” 4. You think that tan is the only color.
3. Sandstorms are second nature, and you welcome them because it gets cooler outside
2. When you end a personal phone conversation by saying “out”.
AND, THE NUMBER ONE WAY YOU KNOW YOU’VE BEEN “OVER HERE” TOO LONG.
1. YOU ARE AT PEACE WITH THE FLIES!
06-17-03, 06:01 PM #2817
Only a Marine....
Shortly after President Bush took office,an old man approached the White House from the park across Pennsylvania Avenue where he was sitting on a park bench. He spoke with the U.S. Marine and said, "I would like to speak to President Clinton." The Marine looked at the man and said,"Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The old man walked away and said "Okay." The following day the same man approached the White House and the same Marine was on duty and he said," I would like to speak to President Clinton."The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir, Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here." The old man thanked him and again walked away and said "Okay."The third day the same man approached the same Marine and said,"I would like to go in and meet President Clinton." The Marine was agitated at this point and said, "Sir, this is the third day in a row that you come here asking to speak to President Clinton and I have told you three days in a row that Mr. Clinton is no longer president and no longer resides here.Don't you understand?" The old man looked at the Marine and said," Oh I understand, I just love hearing it!"
06-17-03, 08:49 PM #2818
Comments On Life........
Now that food has replaced sex in my life,I can't even get in to my own pants.... Marriage changes passion. Suddenly your in bed with a relative.... I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said "Inplants?" She hit me......I don't do drugs. I get the same effect just standing up to fast.....I live in my own little world. It's okay they know me here.....I got a sweater for Christmas. I really wanted a screamer or moaner.....I don't approve of political jokes.I seen to many of them get elected....There are two sides to every divorce. Yours and sh*theads....I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person to annoy for the rest of your life.....I am nobody,and nobody is perfect,therefore, I am perfect....Everyday I beat my own previous record for the number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.....Isn't a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in the swimming pool?....Why is it that most nudists are people that you don't want to see naked?.....Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled....Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up,you don't know where it's been!".........
06-18-03, 06:38 AM #2819
Corporate Approved Politically Correct Jokes
WRONG: Why can't blondes take coffee breaks?
This joke is offensive to two classes of people, blondes and coffee drinkers. It might also offend people who do not drink coffee for religious reasons.
RIGHT: Why can't pigmentally-challenged individuals take a short rest between job tasks?
Because the Mail Police are reading this joke.
WRONG: How do you kill a pink elephant?
This joke has many problems, as it is offensive to environmentalists, vegetarians, and elephants of all colors. It also promotes racism and classism among elephants, and, perhaps, among other species as well. It should not be sent to the HUMOR sig for these reasons.
RIGHT: How do you address an elephant of any color whatsoever?
Ask the Mail Police for full instructions.
WRONG: How do you double the value of a Yugo?
This joke would not be allowed because it offends Yugoslavians, other people affected by the strife in Eastern Europe, and goes against the Communist belief system that material goods are provided by the state for its populace and therefore should have no monetary value whatsoever. Members of the bicycle-sig will also feel uncomfortable because this joke encourages automobile use.
RIGHT: How do you improve a vehicle?
Confirm with the Mail Police that the vehicle is allowed on Tandem Mail.
WRONG: An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a psychologist are stuck in a burning building. Who gets out alive?
This message should not be sent because it encourgages classism, elitism, and implies that those who study different disciplines deserve to perish in a tragedy through no fault of their own. Tandem Values require respect for all individuals in all jobs they do.
RIGHT: Four Tandemites are stuck in a burning building. How do you rescue all of them before it collapses?
First meet with the Mail Police to be sure no favoritism is shown towards any group in whom is rescued initially.
WRONG: How do you make love to an
There are so many reasons this joke is inappropriate for Tandem mail that this memo cannot begin to catalog all of them. Hiding behind the designator
does not absolve the joke-sender of sending abusive mail messages to protected groups, because it is usually quite clear which group is being slandered. In any event, the sobriquet implies that non-ethnics are in some way superior, which goes against Tandem Values.
The joke also shows a lack of respect for women in two ways. First, it implies that the teller and listener of the joke are both male. No joke of that sort should be sent, because this precludes women from feeling fully accepted at Tandem. Second, it implies that the woman can only be satisfied one particular way, and that this rests outside of her, i.e. she needs a man to be complete. Finally, this joke excludes gays and lesbians since it has a heterosexualist bias.
RIGHT: How does a Tandemite get satisfaction?
Have the Mail Police ensure no one is offending anyone else.
WRONG: What happens when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with a dyslexic agnostic?
Jokes that demean religious groups are unacceptable. This includes people who choose not to practice religion. Dyslexics are an example of a handicapped class and should not be insulted. This joke is offensive to creationists because it implies that evolution proceeds due to inter-species mating habits. Members of certain religious groups may also find these random matings offensive to their belief systems.
RIGHT: Tell me the best way all religious groups can feel comfortable working together at Tandem.
I'll have the Mail Police explain that to you right away.
WRONG: A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a martini.
Since a number of Tandem employees are uncomfortable with the problems of alcohol, jokes should not be set in bars or at social gatherings noted for alcohol usage.
RIGHT: A gorilla walks into a hardware store and orders a martini.
WRONG: An IBM salesman is stuck on a desert island.
Desert islands make reference to the recent Gulf War, and should be avoided. It is also against Tandem values to make jokes about the competition. Simply describing their products is all the humor that's necessary.
RIGHT: An IBM AS/400 is set up in a room at 105 degrees Fahrenheit (40 C). The Mail Police are called to see if it crashes, which it probably will.
WRONG: Which doesn't belong, meat, wife, or blowjob?
Haven't you learned anything yet? This joke is sexist and offensive to women and vegetarians.
RIGHT: Which doesn't belong, ethics, values, or Mail Police?
WRONG: A man's penis size doesn't matter, unless you're having sex with him.
That doesn't mean you can make fun of men, just because they're the dominant class. Besides, these jokes usually trigger a barrage of anti-female ones, and then we're back to Lawsuit City.
RIGHT: A Tandemite's paycheck size doesn't matter, unless they're arguing with the Mail Police.
WRONG: How many CNN reporters does it take to change a light bulb?
Tandem Values preclude mention of corporate entities, such as CNN in this example. The whole category of light bulb jokes is also contraindicated, as General Electric may choose to sue over improper use of their product.
RIGHT: How many TTN reporters does it take to produce "First Friday?"
Wait a minute, the Mail Police want to be sure this isn't a violation of something.
WRONG: What did Pee-Wee Herman say to Jeffrey Dahmer?
Can't you do anything right? It's "What did Jeffrey Dahmer say to Pee-Wee Herman?" and the answer is "Stop playing with my food."
06-18-03, 06:39 AM #2820
The devil calls up St. Peter and says, "Let's have a baseball game - my people against your people."
St. Peter thinks this over, checks his populace, and says, "Sure, but you're gonna lose - I've got all the hall of famers up here."
"Maybe so," replies the devil, "but I've got all the umpires!"
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