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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
06-15-03, 06:55 AM #2776
Chocolate Layer Cake 1040
Line 1. Butter, a minimum of half a pound (8 oz.), but not to exceed 1 (one) pound. (See line 4.)
Line 2. Sugar, light brown or white, unless you or your spouse had a financial account in a foreign country in 1990, in which case dark brown sugar must be used. Do not substitute molasses or honey. Use 1 (one) cup and adjust to taste.
Line 3. Eggs, six or half a dozen, whichever is greater.
Line 4. Semisweet chocolate, 6 oz. Nonfarm families may choose the optional method of using cocoa powder. If you elect the Cocoa Method, add 1/2 oz. (One Tablespoon) of butter to each 3 tablespoons of cocoa. Multiply by .9897 per ounce of substitution. For adjustments to sugar, see pg. 29. Add total of additional butter to Line 1 (above). Sugar adjustments should be reflected in final total of Line 2. For additional details on cocoa conversion, see Form 551.
Line 5a. Flour, white. If you were a federal, state or local government employee, you may be eligible for an excess flour tax credit. Measure 2 cups, sifting is optional.
Line 5b. Flour, whole wheat, 1 2/3 cups.
Line 5c. Alternative mixture: 1 cup white flour plus 3/4 cup whole wheat flour.
Line 6. Vanilla, 1 teaspoon. See Schedule ZE for reporting use of imitation vanilla flavoring. You may be able to deduct the cost of real vanilla extract in 1991 if you itemize deductions.
Line 7. Salt, 1/3 teaspoon (optional). If you are a head of household with dependents and were born during a leap year, you must add salt.
Line 8. Baking powder, 1 1/2 teaspoons. Use of baking soda will result in a penalty. See form W-Q.
Line 8a. Walnuts, 8 oz., chopped. You may be eligible to use pecans or almonds. See Part III of Schedule PE, Itemized Substitutions.
Line 9. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (375 if altitude exceeds 5,500 feet). Be sure that you have turned the oven on before you begin assembling ingredients. In a bowl (2 quart capacity), cream butter and sugar for 3 minutes, or until well blended, whichever occurs first. (Note: If you are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method [see Line 4], add additional butter and sugar at this point.)
Line 10. Incorporate eggs, one egg at a time, into creamed mixture. If the eggs are from a farm of which you are the sole owner, you may be eligible for a Fowl Credit. See Form 9871m "For the Birds."
Line 11. Add vanilla.
Line 12. In a double boiler, melt chocolate at low heat. If you are using the Nonfarm Cocoa Method, disregard the preceding instruction and stir cocoa into the creamed mixture. Then stir in flour from Line 5a, 5b, or 5c, add salt (optional, but see Line 7 for exception) and baking powder.
Line 13. Add nuts, which should be chopped, regardless of type (See Line 8a).
Line 14. Pour batter into 2 (two) greased and floured 8 inch round cake pans or 1 (one) greased and floured 9x13 inch pan, which you should have prepared earlier. Bake in preheated oven (see line 9) for 40 to 50 minutes, whichever is greater. After removing cake pan(s) from oven, cool for 10 minutes (12 for 9x13 pan) and turn cake(s) out onto wire rack. When cake is completely cool, frost it. (To determine time needed for cooling, complete Worksheet on pg. 25.) See Form 873 for details on appropriate frostings. Note: If you weigh 20 percent more (or higher) than your ideal weight (see chart on pg. 19), ignore this recipe and complete Schedule F, "Fresh Fruit Desserts."
06-15-03, 06:55 AM #2777
one with nintendo
hand thinks for itself
their technology stronger
enslaves our people
girl finds glory, is broken
they can rebuild her
winter warm and summer cool
little lambs no more
the sand remembers
once there was beach and sunshine
but chip is warm too
oh no godzilla
guns and planes cannot stop him
tokyo is ablaze
keyboard and mouse are his sword
frequency notch treachery
people are not fooled
young Sony worker
innocent hands build Walkman
tears run down faces
06-15-03, 06:56 AM #2778
A West Virginia man, considering getting a vasectomy, decided to discuss it with his priest.
The priest gave him various bits of advice, and suggested that he discuss it with his doctor.
The doctor likewise advised him on various aspects, and on discovering that he hadn't talked to his family about it yet, urged him to do so.
His family voted 14-4 in favor of it.
06-15-03, 06:57 AM #2779
Sorry, wrong number.
A friend of mine received a phone call. "Who is this?" a woman's voice answered.
"Whom do you want to speak to?" my friend asked.
"Did you say `whom'?" the caller inquired after a somewhat startled pause.
"Yes," my friend said.
"I have the wrong number," the caller said. Then she hung up.
06-15-03, 06:58 AM #2780
To Err is Hitler
The following began life as a Top Ten list of "Mistakes Made by Adolf Hitler." it was passed around during a lecture in a political science class of mine and soon grew to over 100 entries. I have culled out the stupid and/or truly offensive ones, as well as any that said nasty things about any particular nationality (read, the French.) You'll have to excuse the fact that some of them are rather obscure, but that's what happens when you get a bunch of political scientists in the same room. Without further ado, I give you...
Top 59 Mistakes Made by Adolf Hitler
Land War in Asia
Changed name from highly catchy "Schickelgruber" to boring "Hitler"
Leaving his little mustache: not growing a friendly Abe Lincoln beard to instill trust among subjects
Not buying lifts for his shoes
Failure to exploit Me 262 Messerschmidt
Failure to exploit Eva Braun
Chose swastika as party symbol rather than the daisy
Chose Josef Goebels rather than Marlene Dietrich to promote Nazi image
Chose "Deutschland Uber Alles" over "Let's All Be There" as party slogan
Lost the Ark to Indiana Jones
Chose unfashionable blacks and browns rather than trendy plaids and stripes as uniform colors for SS & SA
Referring to Stalin as "that old Georgian fat back"
Indiscriminate use of V-2 rockets for public fireworks displays
Free beer in munitions plants
Lisp never corrected
Refused to undergo nostril reduction surgery
Failed to conquer strategically important Comoros Islands
Fell asleep in staff meetings
Chose Italy as ally
Land War in Asia
Got involved with a Sicilian when death was on the line
Made pass at Eleanor Roosevelt during 1936 Olympics
Built heliport on top of new Reichstag building which looked remarkably like a bullseye from the air
Always got Churchill out of bed for conference calls
Never had fireside mass rallies
Told Einstein he had a stupid name
Used SS instead of LAPD
Admired Napoleon's strategy
Strong fondness for saurkraut and beans made General Staff avoid him constantly
In last days, chose to hide in bunker rather than ask U.S. for a little country place in Hawaii
Nightmare involving Pillsbury Doughboy haunted him constantly with war advice
Major theme in speeches--liebensraum, or "living room"--widely misperceived as call for domestic architectural reform
Failed to revoke Rudolph Hess' pilot licence.
****ed off Jesse Owens at 1936 Olympics
Didn't put his brother Billy in the concentration camps. When word got out that Billy was just a beer guzzling fat guy in a small town in Bavaria who grew peanuts it was bad P.R. for Der Fuhrer
Breast feeding for too long
Passed up Finish "tanks for snowshoes" offer before invasion of USSR
Drank too much at Beer Hall Putsch
Spent jail time planning how to conquer the world instead of his own escape.
Forgot to write "Dear Joey" letter to Stalin before invasion of Poland
Blew nose on Operation Barbarossa maps, forcing extemporaneous invasion of Soviet Union
Took no steps to keep Neville Chamberlin in power
Chose the Tirpitz for that weekend of love with Eva in the fjords
Frequently mistaken for Charlie Chaplin due to mustache; undermined credibility (as when he threatened to invade Poland, everyone waited for the punchline)
Came off as poor loser when "Triumph of the Will" failed to win Oscar for "Best Foreign Documentary"--"You don't like me" speech undermined image.
Used to make prank calls to FDR asking if he had "Prince Albert in a can"
Forgot correct interpretation of Nietzche; caused much embarrassment when he used to cite philosophical support for his concept of the "Oberdude"
Got drunk on schnapps and suggested Tojo attack the U.S. saying, "The U.S. only has twenty times your industrial power, what are you, a wimp?"
Listened to too much Wagner and not enough Peter, Paul and Mary
Spent too much on screwdrivers and toilet seats
Tried to play football with Axis Lucy who pulled the ball away at the last second
Failed to encourage tourism
Never did the honorable thing with Eva Braun
Alienated Chamberlin at Munich by sticking an "Invade me" sign on his back
Kept Colonel Klink in command
Churchill mistakenly thought "Deutschland Uber Alles" was a veiled threat
Used same astrologer as the Reagans
06-15-03, 07:01 AM #2781
prize bull and a prize cow got together and decided they'd have a little prize calf. So they did. When he was born, they decided he'd have the best of everything--food, education, ... So they kept him in a little compound separated from the hoi polloi. But as he reached puberty, he looked out through the chain-link fence at all the cows out there, and drooled. He would back up to the far corner of his pen, and study the top of the barbed-wire topped fence. He always concluded he couldn't make it. But one day, he decided he was big and strong enough. He backed up to the farthest corner, and ran like hell. He jumped over the fence, and made it, almost. Just then, papa bull came ambling along the fence line, noticed his son bleeding, noticed what was hanging on the barbed wire atop the fence, noticed his son bleeding ... At last he consoled his son: Don't worry, son, you can always be a consultant.
06-15-03, 07:01 AM #2782
Drinking and driving
A cop is waiting across the street from a bar parking lot late on a Saturday night, watching for drunks trying to drive home. After a short wait, one particularly sad case stumbles out the door, front of his shirt soaked, bleary-eyed, confused, wandering the parking lot looking for his car. He locates his car, fumbles for his keys, gets in (bumping his head in the process) and drives off, bumping the curb on the way.
Of course he doesn't get very far at all before the cop is on him, and he immediately pulls over. The cop has him step out of the car, sizes him up, and administers several field sobriety tests, with much effort (the driver has trouble understanding some of the tests). The driver fails all the tests miserably: can't touch nose, can't walk straight, can't stand on one foot, can't recite a speedy alphabet.
The final legal step, of course, is the breathalyzer, so the cop asks his subject to blow into the tube. Green light. In disbelief, the cop checks the breathalyzer and has the suspect try again. Another green light--the guy's blood-alcohol level is legal.
"All right," says the cop, "how can you pass a breath test when you're so obviously falling-down drunk?"
"Well, it's like this," replies the guy. "I'm the designated decoy."
06-15-03, 07:02 AM #2783
Doing business on the opposite coast
Here's a handy guide for those of you who have to deal with vendors, customers, or other divisions on the left coast.
East Coast West Coast
absolutely not maybe
action item by Feb 12 for Joe Joe's working on the problem
brawl design review
do it and do it now can you sign up for this program?
do it right or you're fired I'm confident you'll get it done
**** off trust me
follow the spec is there a spec?
get out of my office let's get consensus on this one
he's a jerk he's not signed on to our plan
he's a subordinate he's a team player
I'll cover your ass consider me your resource
ignore him, he's new I'm bringing him up to speed
local bar offsite facility
meet me in the parking lot let's take that discussion offline
oh **** thanks for bringing that to my attention
punch his lights out constructive confrontation
shut the **** up thank you for your input
shut up a minute let me share this with you
that's totally incompetent let me build on that point
over budget on schedule
under budget we haven't started yet
we finished early (no translation available)
we're done how do you feel about that?
what's your problem? I certainly understand your feelings
where's the spec? what's a spec?
where's the schedule? what's the game plan?
your plan sucks let me share my feelings on this plan
06-15-03, 07:03 AM #2784
A Modern (Cynical) Fable
Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need an updated message with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit today's minute attention span.
The Troubled Aardvark
Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his sniveling, spoiled children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any personal effort he could make to change the status quo. Overcome by a wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers.
06-15-03, 12:00 PM #2785
Nothing tougher than Sea Duty
A salty Navy Chief and a crusty Marine Corps Gunny are at a bar arguing about who had the tougher career.
"I did 30 years in the Marine Corps," the Gunny declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp, I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood-soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside Chesty. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. Finally, as a Staff Sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire at night. In afire fight, we'd shoot until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"
Looking straight ahead, the Chief says nothing. Then after a deliberately long, slow drink, the Chief says, "Yeah, figures ... all shore duty."
06-15-03, 12:01 PM #2786
Marines vs Airbornes
A little boy was standing in front of a mirror in the restroom at John F. Kennedy Airport, when in walked an Airborne Ranger Staff Sergeant dressed in his class "A" Army uniform, replete with a chest full of combat medals and various other Army decorations and devices. The little boy turned to the Ranger and said, "Wow! Are you an Army Airborne Ranger?" The Ranger replied, "Why, yes I am, young man. Would you like to wear my hat?" "Boy, would I," said the little boy. He took the hat and placed it on his head and turned to admire himself in the mirror.
As he was looking in the mirror, he heard the door open and through a ray of bright light, a man entered the room. But, this was not just a man -- he was much more than "just" a man. He was a Marine Private, freshly out of recruit training.
The little boy turned and went over to the Marine. As he approached him, he could see his own reflection in the highly spit-shined shoes of the young Marine. His eyes widened as he stared up at the United States Marine in his dress green uniform with a shooting badge on his left chest. He tried to speak, but he couldn't. Finally, he took a deep breath, and managed to say, "Excuse me, Sir. Are you a Marine?" The Marine replied with a thunderous voice, "Why yes, I am, young man!! Would you like to shine my shoes?" The little boy smiled, and said, "Oh, no sir!! I'm not really in the Army Airborne, sir, I'm just wearing his hat !!!!!!!!
06-15-03, 12:04 PM #2787
sent to me by my sis...Cas.......
CALENDAR OF NUDE POLICE OFFICERS
Don't forget that there are both male and female
police officers!!! Check out the link below...
you'll be surprised!
06-15-03, 03:23 PM #2788
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud. The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a poll-ice roadblock!! We're gonna get busted fer driinkin' these here beers!!"
Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said. "We'll just pull over and finish
drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our forehead and throw the bottles under the seat."
What fer?", asked Bubba. "Just let me do the talkin', OK?", said
Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the
seat, and each put a label on their forehead. When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"
"No, sir," said Earl. "We're on the patch."
> > >
06-15-03, 07:34 PM #2789
There were two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park.He was a widower and she was a widow.They had known each other for a couple of years. One evening their was a social supper in the big community building. These two folks were at the same table across from each other. As the meal went on he made a few admiring glances at her,and finally got the courage to ask her,"Will you marry me?"After a few seconds of careful consideration,she answered, "Yes,yes I will." The meal ended with a few more pleasant exchanges and they went back to their respective homes. Next morning he was troubled." Did she say 'yes' or did she say,'no'?"He couldn't remember.Try as he would, he just couldn't recall.Not even a faint memory.With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her.First,he explained that he didn't remember as well as he used to.Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.As he gained more courage,he inquired of her,"When I asked you to marry me did you say 'yes' or did you say 'no'?" He was delighted to hear her say,"Why,I said, Yes,yes I will,and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued,"Am I glad you called,because I couldn't remember who asked me."
06-15-03, 08:08 PM #2790
For the Outdoorsman in you.....
A woman goes into Wal Mart to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.A Wal Mart associate is standing there wearing dark shades.She says,"Excuse me sir,can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"He says,"Ma'am I'm completely blind,but if you drop it on the counter.I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway. He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel with a 10lb. test line.It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."She says,"It's amazing you can tell all that just from me dropping it on the counter,I'm amazed,I'll take it." As she opens her purse her credit card falls out.As she bends down to pick it up she accidentally breaks wind.At first she is really embarrsed.Then she she realizes that the blind clerk could not really tell if it was her or someone else who farted. The man rings up the sale and says,"That will be $34.50,please." The woman is totally confused by this and said,"Didn't you tell me that it was on sale for $20.00.How did you get $34.50?" He replies,Yes Ma'am the rod and reel is $20.00 ,but the duck call is $11.00 and the catfish bait is $3.50."
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