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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
06-03-03, 06:35 AM #2626
Three pregnant women at lunch....
Three pregnant women are sitting in a cafe having lunch, when one of them says, "I know that I'm going to have a boy."
The other two women think about that for a moment, and then one of them says, "OK, how do you know you're going to have a boy?"
"Well, when the child was conceived," says the first women, "I was on top. So I'm going to have a boy."
They sit and eat for a few minutes more, and then the second woman says, "Well, I'm going to have a girl."
"OK," says the first one, "how do you know you're going to have a girl?"
"Well, when my child was conceived, I was on the bottom. So I'm going to have a girl."
They sit and eat for a few minutes more, the third woman obviously getting more and more distressed, until finally she breaks down into horrible sobbing?
"What's wrong, what's wrong?" the first two women ask with concern.
The third woman manages to stifle her sobs long enough to only say one thing....
"I'm going to have a puppy!"
06-03-03, 06:36 AM #2627
"HOW DID IT HAPPEN?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man's broken leg.
"Well, doc, 25 years ago ..."
"Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning."
"Like I was saying...25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.
I said, "No, everything is fine."
"Are you sure?" she asked.
"I'm sure," I said.
"Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know. "I reckon not," I replied.
"Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story have to do with your leg?"
"Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!"
06-03-03, 06:36 AM #2628
All Purpose Joke
These three strings go into a bar and order a martini. One string notices a horse with a sign that says, "Make me laugh, make me cry, win $1000" on it. Meanwhile, a bell starts ringing in the clock tower overhead, and suddenly there is a loud thud as a body falls to the street in front of the bar. "I'm a Frayed Knot!" screams one enraged string at the bartender, and then disappears. Kant leaves via the back door. The other string stands in front of the horse and pulls down his pants. It isn't clear at this point why the horse is wearing pants.
The Inspector walks in the front door and says to no one in particular, "I can't remember his name, but his face rings a bell." Several dozen customers instinctively stab their F keys. The remaining string gulps down the rest of his martini and says, "And at these prices, you're not likely to see many more!"
At the table in the back, the Doctor looks intently at his patient and says, "And if you don't quit jerking off, your elbow's never going to get any better!" "You think your thore," the patient screams back, "I can't even thit!"
There's a loud thud as another body hits the pavement in front of the bar, and a Purdue freshman runs in the door and says, "And now his brother's a dead ringer, too!"
The door to the bathroom opens and a young boy in a vaguely Medieval costume wanders out. "Do you know where some Yellow Fingers are?" he asks.
Suddenly, there is a loud crash outside and a bleeding man comes stumbling into the bar. "Was that a penguin I just ran over, or a nun with sunglasses?" he asks. "I think not," says the bartender, and disappears.
A yokel gets up from a corner booth and asks the bartender (who has mysteriously reappeared), "Bartender, where is the library at?" The bartender looks askance at the hick and replies "We don't serve people from Purdue, *********!" and hits him over the head with a bat, killing him instantly.
Immediately, several people scream out "I'm a dead ringer for my brother!"
(Fortunately, at this point the election results came in and Ferdinand Marcos won 512 to 2.)
An Indian walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a Q-tip. "Wax problem?" the solicitous bartender asks. "No, buffalo come," replies the red man.
The bartender notices a man scrawling graffiti on the wall and levels him with both barrels of a sawed-off shotgun. The first part of the grafitti reads:
>>>Electricians do it for the halibut.
>>I have a haddock.
>Cod, I hate this.
The bar explodes into spontaneous applause.
A prison convict stands on his chair, clears his throat and says, "57!" The room is dead silent. The silence is broken by screams from the man trying to remove his appendix with the scalpel he found underneath his chair. There are several examples of Universes scattered about the floor beside him.
A disgruntled reader gets up and leaves via the front door...
06-03-03, 06:37 AM #2629
What Time-Life Really Means
Time-Life has been running a commercial recently hawking its book series Mysteries of the Unknown. At one point in this commercial the narrator describes an event at Stonehenge where a person "was grabbed by a terrifying unseen force and held suspended in the air." I don't know about you, but where I'm from, this is better known as a "wedgie."
06-03-03, 06:38 AM #2630
Didn't know if he was coming or going
Three guys are debating who has the best memory:
Guy 1: I can remember the first day of my First Grade class.
Guy 2: I can remember my first day at Nursery School!
Guy 3: Heck that's nuthin', I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother.
06-04-03, 03:25 AM #2631
Tell Tail Signs!
You know you've summered in China when...
06-04-03, 06:48 AM #2632
To Whom It May Concern:
The Occupational Safety and Health Administration (OSHA) has determined that the maximum safe load capacity on my butt is 2 persons at a time--unless I install handrails or safety straps.
As you have arrived 6th in line to ride my ass today, please take a number and wait your turn.
06-04-03, 06:48 AM #2633
Sign on the dotted line
Once upon a time there were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking to each other with sign language.
Mute #1 (SIGN)"What would you like to do?"
Mute #2 (SIGN)"I don't know, what about you?"
Mute #1 (SIGN)"Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark space and have some fun."
Mute #2 (SIGN)"Good idea."
So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat on the shoulder.....
Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"Have you got any protection?"
Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. Don't you?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. We had better go to a drug store and get some."
They proceed to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets out and goes inside. In 2 minutes he is back outside and taps on the car window.
Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"I've got a problem."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"I can't make the druggist understand what I want."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"I know what to do."
Outside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Inside Mute (SIGN)"Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put your pecker on the counter. He'll know what you want."
Outside Mute (SIGN)"Good idea."
The man goes back into the drug store and 2 minutes later he's back at the car window.
Inside Mute (SIGN)"Well?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"It didn't work."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"What do you mean?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I put 5 dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on the counter. He put his on the counter. It was bigger than mine. He took my 5 dollars."
06-04-03, 06:49 AM #2634
A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden.
Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell, and hot on his heels came the Game Warden...
After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath and the Game Warden finally caught up to him...
"Lets see yer fishin' license, Boy!!" the Warden gasped.
With that, the fella pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.
"Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes, sir," replied the young feller, "But my friend back there, well, he don't have one..."
06-04-03, 06:50 AM #2635
The Deer Hunt
:00 am - Alarm clock rings
2:00 am - Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed
2:30 am - Throw everything except the kitchen sink into the pick-up
3:00 am - Leave for the deep woods
3:15 am - Back home to pick up gun
3:30 am - Set up camp. Forgot the damn tent
4:00 am - Drive like hell to get to the woods before daylight
4:30 am - Set up camp
6:05 am - Head for the woods
6:06 am - See eight deer
6:07 am - Take aim and squeeze the trigger
6:08 am - CLICK
8:00 am - Load gun while watching deer go over the hill
9:00 am - Head back to camp
12:00 NOON - Fire gun for help--eat wild berries
12:15 pm - Run out of bullets--eight deer come back
12:20 pm - Strange feeling in stomach
12:30 pm - Realize you ate poison berries
12:45 pm - Rescued
12:55 pm - Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped
3:00 pm - Arrive back at camp
3:30 pm - Leave camp to kill deer
4:00 pm - Return to camp for bullets
4:01 pm - Load gun--Leave camp again
5:00 pm - Empty gun on squirrel that is bugging you
6:00 pm - Arrive at camp--see deer grazing in camp
6:01 pm - Load gun
6:02 pm - Fire gun
6:03 pm - One dead pick-up
6:05 pm - Hunting partner arrives in camp dragging deer
6:06 pm - Repress desire to shoot hunting partner
6:07 pm - Fall into fire
6:10 pm - Change clothes--throw burned ones onto fire
6:15 pm - Take pick-up, leave hunting partner and his deer in camp
6:25 pm - Pick-up boils over--hole shot in block
6:26 pm - Start walking
6:30 pm - Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud
6:35 pm - Meet bear
6:36 pm - Take aim
6:37 pm - Fire gun, blow up barrel--plugged with mud
6:38 pm - Mess pants
6:39 pm - Climb tree
9:00 pm - Bear leaves. Wrap *$%!@#$% gun around tree
Midnight - Home at last
06-04-03, 06:50 AM #2636
Walking along the beach, John tripped over a half-buried kerosene lantern. He rubbed its side and sure enough, a genie materialized.
"I can't grant your wishes," explained the freed spirit, "But I'll give you three gifts for releasing me: a potion to cure ill health, a very large diamond, and a dinner date with a famous movie star. By tomorrow afternoon, you will have received all these gifts."
When John returned home from work the next evening, he excitedly asked his mother if anything had been delivered.
"Yes," she replied. "It's been an unusual day. At 2 pm, a 55 gallon drum of chicken soup arrived. About a half-hour later, a telegram came saying that a long-lost relative had left you a minor-league baseball stadium. Ten minutes ago, MGM called, inviting you to dinner with Lassie tonight."
06-04-03, 06:51 AM #2637
A little boy runs into the kitchen, crying.
His mother asks, "Johnny, why are you crying?"
Johnny cries, "Because daddy hit his thumb with the hammer!"
His mother says, "You shouldn't cry because of that. You should *laugh*!"
Johnny breaks out in tears anew and says, "But I *did*!"
06-04-03, 06:52 AM #2638
In USSR, a boy talking to his grand-father:
Boy: "What is the Perestroika?"
Grand-Father: "You see these two buckets of coal? One is full and the other one is empty."
GF: "Well... (he walks to the buckets and drop the coal from the full bucket into the empty one)... This is the Perestroika."
B: "But, this is the same thing."
GF: "Yes, but did you hear the noise?"
06-04-03, 06:52 AM #2639
Top Ten LEAST Popular Disneyworld Attractions
10. The Audio-Anamatronic Dan Quayle
9. The Hall of 10,000 Razors
8. Slug Rides
7. Mr. Toad's Gut-O-Rama
6. Pluto Gets Fixed
5. The Cuisinart Ride
4. Dumbo's Big Blow Out
3. The Haunted Condo
2. Drug Runners of the Carribean
and the number one LEAST popular Disneyworld attraction:
1. The Country Bear Whoop-Dee-Doo Sit-Around-And-Do-Nothing Borefest
06-04-03, 06:53 AM #2640
HOW TO GET BETTER SERVICE ON YOUR MACHINE
Do not call for service until everyone concerned has had time to form an opinion as to what is wrong; allow each person the chance to correct the problem. Whenever possible, all controls and adjusting screws should be turned.
After several days, when the machine malfunction has become a major emergency, place an urgent call for service. Fridays are best, but anytime after 4PM is OK.
Alert all personnel so that each can give their version of what is wrong. Suggestions of how to fix the machine will be welcomed by the serviceman.
Hide the service history log that is found inside the machine. Make several references to the man who was here for the same problem last week.
Have at least eight graduate engineers present to ask highly technical questions which are in no way related to the immediate problem.
The minute the serviceman arrives, ask what caused the delay. Make it clear that he was to arrive two days ago. Before he can answer, ask him when the machine will be back in service.
The machine should be as dirty and greasy as possible. A mixture of oil and pencil sharpener shavings work well. If the machine has electrical components, add staples and paper clips.
Assign someone to supervise the repair. A person who has never seen the machine before is preferred. Bad breath is a big plus.
Ask again when the machine will be ready for use.
Be sure that the lights are off in the room where the machine is to be repaired. A good serviceman can fix them blindfolded.
Ask if the machine is ready yet. If the serviceman is looking at a schematic diagram, ask if he knows what he is doing.
When the repair is completed, tell him what a swell job he did. Tell him that the job should be swell, it took long enough.
Try to talk the serviceman down on the bill. Those big companies make too much money anyway.
After the serviceman has gone, call his supervisor and tell him the machine is now worse than it was before. Follow up with a letter and send a copy to the company's home office.
Follow the above rules on every service call, no matter how small the problem is.
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