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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
01-17-03, 08:01 PM #1351
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. -
How is it possible to have a civil war? -- George Carlin
The DI and Recruit
As a group of Marines stood in formation at a Marine Corps Base,
the Drill Instructor said, "All right! All you idiots fall out." As the rest of the squad
wandered away, one recruit remained at attention.
The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The recruit smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"
01-18-03, 08:46 AM #1352
THE SOUTHERN PREACHER.....
The southern preacher rose with a red face "Someone in this
congregation has spread a rumor that I am a member of the
K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian
community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not
intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to
stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian
No one moved.
The preacher continued, "Do you not have the nerve to face
me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be
forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand
and confess your transgression."
Again all was quiet. Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde
with a body that would not stop - rose from the third pew.
Her head was bowed and voice quivered as she spoke.
"Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I
never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I told
a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the
01-18-03, 08:47 AM #1353
> A young Ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty
> when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the
> ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks
> buzzing with men and soon, the ship had left port and was streaming out
> of the channel.
> The Ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was
> abuzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer
> under way. The Ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all
> surprised when another Seaman approached him with a message from the
> He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message,
> and he was even more surprised when he read,
> "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation
> exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste,
> however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules -- Make sure the
> Captain is aboard before getting under way."
01-18-03, 08:48 AM #1354
>>>>An old man in Mississippi was sitting on his front porch watching
>>>>He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under is
>>>>He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
>>>>Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."
>>>>Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
>>>>Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."
>>>>Old man yells "You darn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken
>>>>Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
>>>>That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's
>>>>surprise he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30
>>>>caught in it.
>>>>Same time next morning the old man is out watching the sun rise and
>>>>the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
>>>>Old man yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
>>>>Boy yells back "Roll of duck tape."
>>>>Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"
>>>>Boy says back "Gonna catch me some ducks."
>>>>Old man yells back, "You darn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck
>>>>Boy just laughs and keeps walking.
>>>>That night around sunset the boy walks by coming home and to the old
>>>>amazement he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape
>>>>about 35 ducks caught in it..
>>>>Same time next morning the old man sees the boy walking by carrying
>>>>looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
>>>>Old man says "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
>>>>Boy says "It's a pussy willow."
>>>>Old man says "Wait up..... I'll get my hat"
01-18-03, 04:08 PM #1355
>>"Sex" Frogs! Only $20 each!
> > > >
> > > > A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store
> > > > in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she
> > > > box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money
> > > >
> > > > >>Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).
> > > >
> > > > The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and
> > > > whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one."
> > > > The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions
> > > > carefully." The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way
> > > > home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl
> > >out
> > > > the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exact! ly what it
> > > > to do:
> > > > 1. Take a shower.
> > > > 2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
> > > > 3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
> > > > 4. Crawl into bed and put the frog down "there".
> > > >
> > > > She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise,
> > > > nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at
> > > > this point.She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom
> > > > of the paper it says,
> > > >
> > > > >>"If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet
> > > > store."So, the girl calls the pet store. The man says, "I had
> > > > some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over."
> > > > Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.The girl
> > > > welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to
> > > > instructions and the damn thing j! ust sits there."The man, looking
> > >concerned, picks up the frog, st ares directly into its eyes and
> > >says:
> > > > "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more
> > >
01-18-03, 04:09 PM #1356
"I Love You" in 17 languages....
> > In case words fail you, here's how to
> > say "I Love You" in 17 languages
> > English . . . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
> > I Love You
> > Spanish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . .
> > Te Amo
> > French . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . .
> > Je T'aime
> > German . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . . . . . .
> > lch Liebe Dich
> > Japanese . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
> > Ai****e Imasu
> > Italian . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . .. . .
> > Ti Amo
> > Chinese . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . . . . . .
> > Wo Ai Ni
> > Swedish . .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
> > Jag Alskar
> > Alabama, Arkansas, Oklahoma,
> > Louisiana, North Carolina,
> > South Carolina, Georgia,
> > Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi,
> > West Virginia and Kentucky . . .. . . . . .Nice Ass.
01-18-03, 08:11 PM #1357
Paddy o'Brian goes to confession, For give me fathre for I have sinned I had carnal knowledge with a young lady of the parish,
The priest of course immediatly berated the young mn for sinning and asked who the young lady was so sh could be made to repent for her sins.
Paddy replied Father I promised her I would not say her name and that I alone would suffer the repentance for our passion,
The Priest demanded to know who she was, It was that Mary O'Tierney wasn't it ,
Paddy replied of course not Father, and I still will not relate her name.
The Priest then said well if it wasn't Mary, It must have been Maureen Sullivan.
Again Paddy replied No Father and I still will not say Her name
Again the Priest said well it it wasn't Mary or Maureen, then it must have been with Kathleen O'Donalla,
Again Paddy replied no Father and I will hold by my vow and not mention her name,
The Father then relented and siad I respect you for holding with your word of honor and gave Paddy his penance to do,
Paddy left the confessional and sat by his friends Seamus and William who asked how it went , Paddy replied well got a good penance to do but also got three good leads....
01-18-03, 08:42 PM #1358
A platoon of Taliban's were marching down this road when they came upon a large hill. Then a voice over the hill rang out : "One Marine can kick the **** out of a platoon of Taliban's".
The platoon leader sent the entire platoon over the hill and all hell broke loose, then silence.........and once again the voice rang out , "one Marine can kick the **** out of a company of Taliban's". The platoon leader called in a company of Taliban's and sent them over the hill and once more all hell broke loose...........Then silence... Then at the top of the hill came a lone Taliban soldier all shot to hell who said in a low gurgling voice, " Stop, don't send anymore troops, its a trap....there are two of them!
01-19-03, 07:35 AM #1359
A famous Admiral and an equally famous Marine Corps General were fishing together when a sudden squall came up. When it died down both "eminent warriors" were struggling helplessly in the water. The Admiral floundered his way back to the boat and pulled himself painfully in. Then he fished out the General, using an oar.Catching his breath, the Admiral puffed" "Please don't say a word about this to anyone. If the Navy found out I can't swim, I'd be disgraced." "Don't worry, " the General said. "Your secret is safe. I'd hate to have my Marines find out I can't walk on water".
01-19-03, 07:37 AM #1360
One night, a torrential rain soaked northern Minnesota; the next morning
> the resulting floodwaters came up about 6 feet into most of the homes.
> Mrs. Johnson was sitting on her roof with her neighbor, Mrs. Anderson,
> waiting for help to come.
> Mrs. Johnson noticed a baseball cap, floating near the house. Then she
> saw it float far out into the front yard, then float back to the house;
> kept floating away from the house, then back towards the house. Her
> curiosity got the best of her, so she asked Mrs. Anderson, "Do you see
> dat dere baseball cap floatin' away from da house, den back again?"
> Mrs. Johnson said, "Oh yeah, dats my husband; I tole that lazyass he
> gonna cut da grass today, come hell or high water!
01-19-03, 08:16 AM #1361
Army vs Marines
Two Army Soldiers boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston.
One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat.
Just before take-off, a Marine got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Army Soldiers.
The Marine kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Soldier in the
window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."
"No problem," said the Marine, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, the Soldier picked up the Marines shoe and spit in it.
When the Marine returned with the coke, the Soldier in the middle seat said,
"That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the Marine obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Soldier
picked up the Marines other shoe and spit in it. The Marine returned and they all
sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston.
As the plane was landing, the Marine slipped his feet into his
shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
"How long must this go on?" the Marine asked.
"This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity?
This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"
01-19-03, 08:16 AM #1362
The Girl and her Marine Boyfriend
The girl called a sex therapist and said, "Remember when you told
me the way to a man's heart was through his stomach? Well last
night I found a new route... Now I need some birth control pills."
The doc asked, "What's his occupation?" The girl said, "Marine Corps"
The doc asked, "Active or retired?"
The girl said "If he wasn't active,
I wouldn't need these damn pills, would I?!"
01-19-03, 08:17 AM #1363
Not me, Sir!
A Drill Instructor had just chewed out one of his recruits, and as he was walking away,
he turned to the recruit and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."
The recruit replied, "Not me, Sir...no sir!
I promised myself that when I got out of the Marine Corps I'd never stand in another line!"
01-19-03, 08:18 AM #1364
One reason the Services have trouble operating jointly is that
they don't speak the same language.
For example, if you told Navy personnel to "secure a building,"
they would turn off the lights and lock the doors.
Army personnel would occupy the building so no one could enter.
Marines would assault the building, capture it, and defend it with
suppressive fire and close combat.
The Air Force, on the other hand, would take out a three-year lease with an option to buy.
01-19-03, 08:18 AM #1365
Drunken First Mate
The first mate was found to be drunk one day and that day it happened
to be the captain's turn to write in the ship's log so he wrote:
The first mate was drunk today.
He begged and pleaded to the captain to remove that entry but the
captain argued that once an entry was made in the company's log
it couldn't be deleted. The first mate decided to get even.
The next time it when it was the first mate's turn to write in
the log, he wrote:
The captain was sober today.
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