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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
06-25-02, 06:26 AM #31
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
ACTION: Cover mouth.
SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.
SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.
SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was
SYMPTOM: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.
SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.
SYMPTOM: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.
06-26-02, 06:17 AM #32
God and A Marine
In the beginning ......you guys are reading from the Old Testament....
In the New Testament God is approached by Saint Peter who, as any
good Staff Officer knows, must make some corrections for the boss.
Saint Peter says to God..........Sir, we need to cut back on our brain
washing of the US Marines. Every time they open their mouths all they
is how tuff they are and that theirs the best fighting force in the US
God says to Saint Peter.........Well aren't they?
Saint Peter to God..............Well not actually. While they look very
pretty in their dress blues, it only takes 13 weeks of boot camp to
God to Saint Peter..........Yes, well that's longer boot training then
the other services and it's the toughest.
Saint Peter to God...........Well, that's true but over 84% of the
graduate from Marine boot which is about the same for all services. If
so tuff why are so many men and women passing? In comparison it takes
weeks to qualify as an Army Paratrooper with a graduation rate of 70%,
takes 35 weeks to qualify for an Army Ranger with a graduation rate of
We won't even get into the Navy SEALS and Army Green Berets which are
even longer. In addition some of the Best Marines are sent to advanced
schools for parachute training and special warfare training and fail
God to Saint Peter.................That's unbelievable, you must have
facts wrong, although I do remember some Marines I was not real happy
like Robert Garbed, Lee Harvey Oswald, Chuck Barris and who's that TV
comedian, Drew Carey?
Saint Peter to God...............All my facts come from the Public
dept. of the US Navy which as you know sir, gives most of their support
the Marines unlike the other services which have to supply their own
troops. That's why in the case of the US Army for example, they wear
different badges to differentiate combat troops from support troops.
Some Marines like to wear US Army badges if they can qualify for them,
their parachute and pathfinder wings.
God to Saint Peter................Well maybe I had too much of that
the Baptist made when I issued all those comments about the Marines and
other services. I did not intend the Marines to get an inferiority
and try to make up for it by bragging all the time, especially if it's
easy to become a Marine.
Saint Peter to God.................That's, OK sir...........they still
the prettiest uniforms!
06-26-02, 06:27 AM #33
Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of
St.Peter at the Pearly Gates she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks.
Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move." "Oh," said Hillary, "who's clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie." "Who's clock is that? "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice, telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life. " "Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked. "Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."
06-26-02, 06:34 AM #34
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. Oh
no,my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "and if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
06-26-02, 06:42 AM #35
There's a fellow who is an avid golfer. Actually
a golf fanatic. Every Saturday morning he has an
tee time. He gets up very early and golfs all day
Well, this one Saturday morning, he gets up early,
dresses quietly, gets his clubs out of the closet,
goes out to his car to drive to the course. It is
raining a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed
with the rain and the wind is blowing 50 mph.
He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the
weather channel. From there he finds that it's
supposed to be bad weather all day long. So he puts
his clubs back into the closet, quietly undresses
slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his
back, and whispers, "The weather out there is
She replies, "I know. And can you believe my stupid
husband is actually out there golfing?"
06-27-02, 06:22 AM #36
WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?
HUSBAND: Definitely not!
WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married?
HUSBAND: Of course I do.
WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again.
WIFE: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep?
WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers?
HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs?
HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed.
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
06-28-02, 06:41 AM #37
VIAGRA STRIKES AGAIN
An elderly woman goes to the doctor and asks his help to
revive her Husband's sex drive. 'What about trying Viagra?'
asks the doctor.
'Not a chance' says Mrs. Murphy. "He won't even take an
aspirin for a headache."
'No problem,' replies the doctor. 'Drop it into his coffee,
he won't even taste it. Try it and come back in a week to
let me know how you got on.'
A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he
inquires as to how things went. 'Oh it was terrible, just
'What happened?' asks the doctor.
'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee.
The effect was immediate. He jumped straight up, swept the
cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes
off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the
tabletop. It was terrible.'
'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'was the sex not
"Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years,
but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again.
06-29-02, 06:14 AM #38
As the sun rose over Parris Island, a senior Drill Instructor in 1st Battalion realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL. A search party was dispatched immediately. After a few hours the MP's discovered the recruit hiding in the sawgrass out near Broad River. He was sent back to his platoon and promptly escorted to the Drill Instructor's duty hut.
"Why did you go AWOL?" asked the DI.
The recruit replied, "My first day here you issued me a comb, and then proceeded to cut my hair off. The second day you issued me a toothbrush, and sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull all my teeth. The third day you issued me a jock strap, and I wasn't about to stick around and find out what would follow that, SIR."
06-30-02, 08:54 AM #39
The Wife and the Mailman
It's near christmas & the mailman is delivering packages. A
woman opens the door in a sexy neglige and invites him in.
Surprised, he follows her to the bedroom where they proceed
to have sex. After it's over, the woman hands him a dollar.
The mailman, puzzled, asked why? The woman replied, "well,
while I was making my shopping list I asked my husband,
honey, what should we give that nice mailman for christmas?"
and he replied, "f_ck the mailman, give him a dollar!"
06-30-02, 08:58 AM #40
A nasty, sweaty, amazon woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walks into a bar. She raises her arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks:
"What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
The whole bar goes dead silent, as the drinkers try to ignore her, nobody makes eye contact. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says:
"Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!"
The bartender pours the drink and the woman proceeds to drink. A little while later, after she is done, she turns again to the bar and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and asking:
"What man out there will buy a lady a drink?"
Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says:
"Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!"
After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, "It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?" The drunk replies, "Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!".
06-30-02, 09:33 AM #41Jim CGuest Free Member
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different
each week, so the magician did the same tricks over and over again.
There was one problem. The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show "Look, it's not the same hat!" or, "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table," or "Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?"
The magician was furious, but couldn't do anything. It was, after
all, the captain's parrot. Then the ship sank. The magician found
himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the sea with, as fate
would have it, the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word.
This went on for a day and then another and then another.
Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not
hold back and said,
"OK, I give up. Where's the f***ing ship?"
06-30-02, 04:33 PM #42
"Where's the fvcking ship? " I haven't laughed that hard for awhile. Thanks.
07-01-02, 06:44 AM #43
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye." The bartender says, "Yeah, right! I've never seen anyone do that!" So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it.
The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away. He comes back half an hour later and says, "I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye." Now the bartender becomes really skeptical. She says, "I just saw you walk in here -- you can't be blind!" So he takes out his fake teeth and bites his left eye. The bartender pays him his money and he walks away.
07-01-02, 06:52 AM #44
The Automated Doctor
One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really
hurts. I guess
I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that.
There's a computer at the drug store that can
diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply
put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose
your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only
Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with
a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the
computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The computer started making some noise and various lights
started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small
slip of paper which read:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid
heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology
was and how it would change medical science forever, he began
to wonder if this could be fooled. He decided to give it a
try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, and urine samples
from his wife and daughter. To top it
off, he masturbated into the concoction.
He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured
in the sample and deposited the $10.00.
The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and
printed out the following analysis:
Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.
Your dog has ringworm.
Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
Your daughter is using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife is pregnant . . . twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get
07-01-02, 07:58 AM #45Jim CGuest Free Member
Laughter is a great medicine.......:
Subject: Man on the Moon
STORY GUARANTEED TO MAKE YOU SMILE.
ON JULY 20,1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON. HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR A MAN, ONE GIANT
LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.
BUT JUST BEFORE HE REENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK “GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY." MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGHT IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT. HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.
OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY" STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.
ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME-HE FINALLY RESPONDED.
MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION. IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MIDWEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN
HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THE BEDROOM WINDOWS. HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY.
AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG
HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY. "SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! ?
YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"
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