Chuckles of the Day... - Page 765
Create Post
Page 765 of 1387 FirstFirst ... 2656657157557617627637647657667677687697758158651265 ... LastLast
Results 11,461 to 11,475 of 20797
  1. #11461
    A lot of folks can't understand
    how we came to have
    an oil shortage here in America.

    Well, there's a very simple answer.

    Nobody bothered to check the oil.

    We just didn't know we were getting low.

    The reason for that is purely geographical.

    Our OIL is located in

    Alaska

    California

    Oklahoma
    and
    TEXAS


    Our
    DIPSTICKS
    are located in
    Washington DC


  2. #11462
    Two Texans are sitting on a plane from Dallas and an old Jewish Texan is sitting between them.
    The first Texan says, "My name is Roger. I own 250,000 acres. I have 1000 head of cattle and they call my place THE JOLLY ROGER".

    The second Texan says, "My name is John.I own 350,000 acres. I have 5000 head of cattle and they call my place BIG JOHNS"

    They both look down at the old Jewish man who says,"My name is Irving and I own only 300 acres."

    Roger looks down at him and says, "300 acres?" What do you raise?"

    "Nothing", Irving says.

    "Well then, what do you call it?" asked John.

    "Downtown Dallas".


  3. #11463
    Yasser Arafat, in a coma in the Paris hospital, suddenly opens his eyes and sees all these doctors surrounding his bed. Apparently agitated, he asks, "Where am I? What am I doing here?"

    The doctors respond and tell him he hasn't been well, and he has been flown to Paris to receive a diagnosis of his condition.
    Now quite agitated, he inquires, "So, what is my condition? What is the prognosis?" The doctors tell him the prognosis is no good, and he has a terminal illness.
    Now he is really agitated, and he asks, "So when will I die?" The doctors look at the floor, the ceiling , the walls---anything but make eye contact with Arafat.

    Eventually, one doctor says, "You will die on a Jewish Holiday!" Now he is extremely agitated and demands to know "Which one will it be?" "It doesn't matter", the doctor replies. "The day you die WILL BE A JEWISH HOLIDAY."


  4. #11464
    Military Christmas
    'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the skies,
    Air defenses were up, with electronic eyes.
    Combat pilots were nestled in ready-room beds,
    As enemy silhouettes danced in their heads.

    Every jet on the apron, each SAM in its tube,
    Was triply-redundant, linked to the Blue Cube,
    And ELINT and AWACS gave coverage so dense
    That nothing that flew could slip through our defense.

    When out of the klaxon arose such a clatter
    I dashed to the screen to see what was the matter;
    I increased the gain and then, quick as a flash,
    Fine-adjusted the filters to damp out the hash.

    And there found the source of the warning we'd heeded:
    An incoming blip, by eight escorts preceded.
    "Alert status red!" went the word down the wire,
    As we gave every system the codes that meant "FIRE!"

    On Aegis! Up Patriot, Phalanx and Hawk,
    And scramble our fighters--let's send the whole flock.
    Launch decoys and missiles, use chaff by the yard!
    Get the kitchen sink up! Call the National Guard!

    They turned toward the target, moved toward it, converged.
    Till the tracks on the radar all finally merged,
    And the sky was lit up with a demonic light,
    As the foe met his fate in the high arctic night.

    So we sent out some recon to look for debris,
    Yet all that they found, both on land and on sea
    Were some toys, a red hat, a charred left leather boot,
    Broken sleigh bells, white hair, and a deer's parachute.

    Now it isn't quite Christmas, with Saint Nick shot down.
    There are unhappy kids in each village and town.
    For the Spirit of Christmas can't hope to evade
    All the web of defenses we've carefully made.

    But a crash program's on: Working hard, night and day,
    All the elves are constructing a radar-proof sleigh.

    So let's wait for next Christmas, in cheer and in health,
    For the future has hope: Santa's coming by stealth!

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  5. #11465
    Results of damage testing
    It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.

    The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing.

    They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.

    The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: "Use a thawed chicken."

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  6. #11466
    A man takes the ferry home from work
    John Smith lived in Staten Island, New York and worked in Manhattan. He had to take the ferryboat home every night. One evening, he got down to the ferry and found there was a wait for the next boat, so John decided to stop at a nearby tavern. Before long he was feeling no pain.

    When he got back to the ferry slip, the ferryboat was just eight feet from the dock. Smith, afraid of missing this one and being late for dinner, took a running leap and landed right on the deck of the boat.

    "How did you like that jump, buddy?" said a proud John to a deck hand.

    "It was great," said the sailor. "But why didn't you wait? We were just pulling in!"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  7. #11467
    I can't breathe without that
    A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on her head.

    "I need to take that walkman off your head," says the beauty specialist as she notices the blonde.

    "You can't! I'll die!" retorts the blonde.

    "I can't cut your hair with the walkman on your ears!" says the beauty specialist getting annoyed.

    "I said you can't take it off, or I'll die!"

    The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies. When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it repeating "breath in, breath out, breath in".

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  8. #11468
    Business one-liners 105
    You can't win. You can't break even. You can't quit the game.

    You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.

    You get the most of what you need the least.

    You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today.

    You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue; agree with him.

    You never find an article until you replace it.

    You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

    You never want the one you can afford.

    You remember to mail a letter only when you're nowhere near a mailbox.

    You want it when?

    You will always find something in the last place you look.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  9. #11469
    What movies teach us
    COMPUTERS & ELECTRONICS:
    As depicted in movies,

    Word processors never display a cursor.

    You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

    All monitors display inch-high letters.

    High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.

    Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.

    Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see "Fortress").

    All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.

    Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.

    All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.

    People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.

    A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.

    Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function (see "Demolition Man" and countless others).

    Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.

    When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.

    If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.

    No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.

    Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three- dimensional,active animation, photo-realistic graphics capability.

    Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.

    Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face (see "Alien", "2001").

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  10. #11470
    Touring a new saw mill
    Two Newfies landed themselves a job at a saw mill. Just before morning the one yelled, "Mick! I lost me finger!"

    "Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"

    "I just touched this big spinning thing here... No! There goes another one!"

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  11. #11471
    Seashore with family
    A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family.

    Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted.

    "Darling, it was just a shark," assured his wife when he came to.

    "You've got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere."

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  12. #11472
    Lightbulb joke collection 22
    Q: How many chess grandmasters does it take to change a lightbulb ?
    A: 21. One to have the idea, and a whole load more to do all the analysis.

    Q: How many people does it take to change a lightbulb for Bobby Fischer ?
    A: Two. One person to put the new one in, and another person to file three millimetres off it first.

    Q: How many scrabble players does it take to change a lightbulb ?
    A: I don't actually know, but it's on a triple word score anyway.

    Q: How many Tauruses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
    A: None: Tauruses don't like to change anything.

    Q: How many Tauruses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
    A: One. But only if they can celebrate afterwards with a ten course meal and some great sex.

    Q: How many Tauruses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
    A: One, but just *try* to convince them that the burnt out bulb is useless and should be thrown away.

    Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
    A: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

    Q: How many Cancerians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
    A: Just one, and they'll use a non-disposable diaper too!

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  13. #11473
    kid's view on marriage
    What Exactly Is Marriage?
    "Marriage is when you get to keep your girl and don't have to give her back to her parents" -Eric, six years old

    "When somebody's been dating for a while, the boy might propose to the girl. He says to her, 'I'll take you for a whole life, or at least until we have kids and get divorced, but you got to do one particular thing for me.' Then she says yes, but she's wondering what the thing is and whether it's naughty or not. She can't wait to find out." -Anita, nine years old


    How Does a Person Decide Whom to marry?
    "You flip a nickel, and heads means you stay with him and tails means you try the next one." -Kelly, nine years old

    "My mother says to look for a man who is kind....That's what I'll do....I'll find somebody who's kinda tall and handsome." -Carolyn, eight years old


    Concerning the Proper Age to Get Married
    "Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" -Bert, five years old


    How Did Your Mom and Dad Meet?
    "They were at a dance party at a friend's house. Then they went for a drive, but their car broke down...It was a good thing, because it gave them a chance to find out about their values." -Lottie, nine years old

    "My father was doing some strange chores for my mother. They won't tell me what kind." -Jeremy, eight years old


    What Do Most People Do on a Date?
    "On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." -Martin, ten years old

    "Many daters just eat pork chops and french fries and talk about love." -Craig, nine years old


    When Is It Okay to Kiss Someone?
    "You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding." -Allan, ten years old

    "Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you....If nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours." -Kally, nine years old


    The Great Debate: Is It Better to Be Single or Married?
    "You should ask the people who read Cosmopolitan" -Kirsten, ten years old

    "It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them" -Anita, nine years old

    "It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." -Will, seven years old

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  14. #11474
    How all careers end
    How careers end...

    Painters are discolored.

    Spinsters are dismissed.

    Judges are disappointed.

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  15. #11475
    Steven Wright 05
    I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00, children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."

    I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

    I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.

    There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.

    I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I was clearing them for take off. I had them all lined up outside. People thought it was an outdoor cafe. I said, "No, these are leaving at 3." They were going to fire me anyway, because I told them I thought they should put the wrapper on the inside of the straw since that's the part you don't want to get dirty.

    I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

    Years ago, I worked in a natural, organic health food store in Seattle, Washington. One day a man walked in and asked, "If I can melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?" Two days later I was fired for eating cotton candy and drinking straight Bosco on the job.

    I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."

    I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies." So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars"...

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 5 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 5 guests)

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not Create Posts
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts