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Thread: Chuckles of the Day...
06-20-02, 09:44 AM #1
Chuckles of the Day...
A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot for "parking." He
couple in a car, with the interior light on. He gets closer to the car
sees a young man behind the wheel reading a computer magazine and a
woman on the rear seat knitting. Somewhat puzzled by this surprising
situation, the cop walks over to the car and knocks at the window.
The young man lowers his window. "Yes, officer?"
"What are you doing?"
"Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine."
Pointing towards the young woman, the cop says: "And her, what is she
The young man shrugs: "I believe she's knitting a pullover."
The cop is very confused. A young couple alone in a car at night and
obscene is happening! "What's your age, young man?"
"I'm 25, sir."
"And her, what's her age?"
The young man looks at his watch and says: "She'll be eighteen in
06-20-02, 09:48 AM #2
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What
you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that
when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give
lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze"
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A Circumcision."
And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I
born. Couldn't walk for a year .
06-20-02, 10:37 AM #3
An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and
bring back a semen sample tomorrow."
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office
and gave him the jar; which was as clean and empty as on the previous
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's
this-First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with
left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried
her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her
mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still
called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both
then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"
The old man replied, "Yep, And no matter what we tried, we still
couldn't get the jar open."
AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????
06-20-02, 10:39 AM #4
One day a Sgt, a SSgt and a Gunny were all walking to chow at 1130 when
they happen to stumble upon a beautiful looking lamp. the Sgt picked up the
lamp and rubbed it on its side....all of the sudden a beautiful woman came
out in a puff of smoke and said..."thank you so much for freeing me, I have
been stuck in there for many many years, for this I will grant you each one
Without hesitation the Sgt jumps in and says " ill take the first wish, I
want one million dollars, a beautiful wife and an house in Maui, I also want
to be discharged from the Corps and live out the rest of my days playing golf
and making babies with my wife", and in a puff of smoke....he was gone.
Now it was the SSgt's turn....he said "I want two million dollars, a
beautiful wife and a house on the beach in Florida, I also want to be
discharged from the Corps and live out the rest of days walking on the beach
with my beautiful wife", and in a puff of smoke...the SSgt was gone.
The genie now looking at the Gunny says...."and what do you want kind
Sir?" without a moment of hesitation.... with his hands on his hips staring
the genie down like a drill instructor, the Gunny says...." I want those two
clowns back at the shop after chow".
06-20-02, 10:39 AM #5
Those look familiar!!
Beating me to the punch!!!
06-20-02, 10:41 AM #6
Yes, they are from a good friend, I always enjoyed her jokes in the morning with my coffee...........
Nice to see you again..........
Roger and Ellie
06-20-02, 11:11 AM #7
HOW MANY SERGEANTS DOES IT TAKE TO FILL A SAND BAG:
NONE THATS WHAT PVT, PFC'S AND LCPL'S ARE FOR
06-20-02, 12:16 PM #8
HEE HEE HEE
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his
money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money
more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his
wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put
it in the casket with me. Because I wanna take my money to the afterlife
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he
died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him... Well he
finally died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting
there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they
finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close
the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her,
she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the
undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her
friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool
enough to put all that money in there with that man... She said,
"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was gonna
put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put
that money in the casket with the man?"... " I sure did," said the
wife. "'I wrote him a check."
06-20-02, 06:52 PM #9
This is a true story
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon
returning to her car, found four males in the act of
leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun,
proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, " I
have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"
The four men didn't wait for a second invitation.
They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat
shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key
into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it
dawned on her why.
A few minutes later she found her own car parked
four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into
the car and then drove to the police station. The
sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in
two with laughter. He pointed to the other end of the
counter where four pale men were reporting a
carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less
than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and
carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed. AH, SENIOR MOMENTS!
06-20-02, 07:14 PM #10
For All Smart Women
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand
her at all.
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more
willing to die.
LOOKS Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow
deteriorate during the night.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the
same thing to them at funerals.
06-21-02, 06:16 AM #11
Perdpective Jail vs Work
Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a
bit more clear . .
IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.
IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors
IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.
So............... why is it again that we work ?
Remember folks, this is just a joke don't try this at home!
If you are at work, forward at your own risk.
06-21-02, 06:22 AM #12
Hit a Pig
A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"
06-21-02, 06:25 AM #13
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't
many. He then discovered the problem: a 10-year old boy was standing
road with a hand-painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The
then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading
bucket full of change. (And we used to just sell lemonade).
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
radar zone. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent
police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another
photo of handcuffs.
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer
to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet
going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolman's Ball. " He
"Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence
she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his
got back on his motorcycle and left.
06-21-02, 06:29 AM #14
George Carlin's I'm a BAD American:
I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.
I am George Carlin.
I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.
I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English.
I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way.
I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.
I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.
I want to know which church is it exactly where the
Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution.
I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States.
I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.
I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality.
I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.
I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.
I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.
I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.
I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.
I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?
I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already.
I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.
I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the next four years.
I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.
I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.
I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement.
I think Dr. Seuss was a fool.
I 'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.
If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.
06-21-02, 03:47 PM #15
This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the
of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This
a true story.
Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......
I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause
of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the
details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of
the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story
when I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over
weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather
carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by
using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the
sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung
the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and
untied the rope,
holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will
11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.
Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost
presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity
of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward
at an equally impressive speed.
This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken
collarbone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed
only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the
fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
Fortunately by this
time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to
rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the
same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight
bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to
my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side
the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel
coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and
lacerations of my legs and lower body.
Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the
of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry
to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain,
unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let
go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its
journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope
this answers your inquiry.
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