Chuckles of the Day...
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  1. #1

    Cool Chuckles of the Day...

    Timing


    A cop was patrolling at night in a well-known spot for "parking." He
    sees a
    couple in a car, with the interior light on. He gets closer to the car
    and
    sees a young man behind the wheel reading a computer magazine and a
    young
    woman on the rear seat knitting. Somewhat puzzled by this surprising
    situation, the cop walks over to the car and knocks at the window.

    The young man lowers his window. "Yes, officer?"

    "What are you doing?"

    "Well, isn't it obvious? I'm reading a magazine."

    Pointing towards the young woman, the cop says: "And her, what is she
    doing?"

    The young man shrugs: "I believe she's knitting a pullover."

    The cop is very confused. A young couple alone in a car at night and
    nothing
    obscene is happening! "What's your age, young man?"

    "I'm 25, sir."

    "And her, what's her age?"

    The young man looks at his watch and says: "She'll be eighteen in
    twenty
    minutes

    Sempers,

    Roger

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  2. #2

    Cool Kids

    Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each
    other,
    outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What
    are
    you in here for?"
    The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a
    little
    nervous."
    The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that
    done
    when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give
    you
    lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze"
    The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
    The first kid says, "A Circumcision."
    And the second kid says, "Whoa, Good luck buddy, I had that done when I
    was
    born. Couldn't walk for a year .

    Sempers,

    Roger

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  3. #3

    Cool Doctors Visit

    An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm
    count.
    The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and
    bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

    The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office
    and gave him the jar; which was as clean and empty as on the previous
    day.
    The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's
    like
    this-First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with
    my
    left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried
    with
    her right hand, then her left, still nothing. She tried with her
    mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still
    nothing.
    We even
    called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both
    hands,
    then an armpit and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but
    still
    nothing."

    The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

    The old man replied, "Yep, And no matter what we tried, we still
    couldn't get the jar open."


    AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????

    Sempers,

    Roger

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  4. #4

    Cool Joke

    One day a Sgt, a SSgt and a Gunny were all walking to chow at 1130 when
    they happen to stumble upon a beautiful looking lamp. the Sgt picked up the
    lamp and rubbed it on its side....all of the sudden a beautiful woman came
    out in a puff of smoke and said..."thank you so much for freeing me, I have
    been stuck in there for many many years, for this I will grant you each one
    wish".
    Without hesitation the Sgt jumps in and says " ill take the first wish, I
    want one million dollars, a beautiful wife and an house in Maui, I also want
    to be discharged from the Corps and live out the rest of my days playing golf
    and making babies with my wife", and in a puff of smoke....he was gone.
    Now it was the SSgt's turn....he said "I want two million dollars, a
    beautiful wife and a house on the beach in Florida, I also want to be
    discharged from the Corps and live out the rest of days walking on the beach
    with my beautiful wife", and in a puff of smoke...the SSgt was gone.
    The genie now looking at the Gunny says...."and what do you want kind
    Sir?" without a moment of hesitation.... with his hands on his hips staring
    the genie down like a drill instructor, the Gunny says...." I want those two
    clowns back at the shop after chow".

    Sempers,

    Roger

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  5. #5

    HEY ROGER...

    Those look familiar!!
    Beating me to the punch!!!


  6. #6

    Cool Cas

    Yes, they are from a good friend, I always enjoyed her jokes in the morning with my coffee...........

    Nice to see you again..........

    Sempers,

    Roger and Ellie

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  7. #7
    Registered User Free Member SGT T's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2002
    Location
    WHERE THE CORPS SENDS ME
    Posts
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    Talking KINDA FUNNY

    HOW MANY SERGEANTS DOES IT TAKE TO FILL A SAND BAG:






    NONE THATS WHAT PVT, PFC'S AND LCPL'S ARE FOR


  8. #8

    Cool HEE HEE HEE

    There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his
    money and was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money
    more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his
    wife, "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put
    it in the casket with me. Because I wanna take my money to the afterlife
    with me."
    And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he
    died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him... Well he
    finally died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting
    there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they
    finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close
    the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!' She had a box with her,
    she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the
    undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her
    friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool
    enough to put all that money in there with that man... She said,
    "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't lie. I promised him that I was gonna
    put that money in that casket with him." "You mean to tell me you put
    that money in the casket with the man?"... " I sure did," said the
    wife. "'I wrote him a check."
    ======================================


  9. #9

    Cool The Car

    This is a true story

    An elderly Florida lady did her shopping, and upon
    returning to her car, found four males in the act of
    leaving with her vehicle.

    She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun,
    proceeding to scream at the top of her voice, " I
    have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

    The four men didn't wait for a second invitation.
    They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat
    shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.

    She was so shaken that she could not get her key
    into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then it
    dawned on her why.

    A few minutes later she found her own car parked
    four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into
    the car and then drove to the police station. The
    sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in
    two with laughter. He pointed to the other end of the
    counter where four pale men were reporting a
    carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less
    than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and
    carrying a large handgun.

    No charges were filed. AH, SENIOR MOMENTS!

    Sempers,

    Roger

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  10. #10

    Cool For All Smart Women

    ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

    Smart man + smart woman = romance

    Smart man + dumb woman = affair

    Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

    Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy



    OFFICE ARITHMETIC

    Smart boss + smart employee = profit

    Smart boss + dumb employee = production

    Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

    Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime



    SHOPPING MATH

    A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

    A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.



    GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

    A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

    A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

    A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

    A successful woman is one who can find such a man.



    HAPPINESS

    To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

    To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand
    her at all.



    LONGEVITY

    Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more
    willing to die.

    LOOKS Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow
    deteriorate during the night.


    PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

    A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

    A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.



    DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

    A woman has the last word in any argument.

    Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



    HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED:

    Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
    cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the
    same thing to them at funerals.

    Sempers,

    Roger

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  11. #11

    Cool Perdpective Jail vs Work

    Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a
    bit more clear . .

    IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
    AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

    IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
    AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

    IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
    AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.

    IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
    AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors
    for
    yourself.

    IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
    AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

    IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
    AT WORK...you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

    IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
    AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

    IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work
    required.
    AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they
    deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

    IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get
    out.
    AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
    bars.

    IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
    AT WORK...they are called managers.

    So............... why is it again that we work ?

    Remember folks, this is just a joke don't try this at home!
    If you are at work, forward at your own risk.

    Sempers,

    Roger

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  12. #12

    Cool Hit a Pig

    A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"

    "In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

    "So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

    "The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!"

    Sempers,

    Roger

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  13. #13

    Cool Police

    A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't
    getting
    many. He then discovered the problem: a 10-year old boy was standing
    up
    the
    road with a hand-painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD." The
    officer
    then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading
    "TIPS"
    and a
    bucket full of change. (And we used to just sell lemonade).

    BETTER:

    A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
    automated
    radar zone. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent
    the
    police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another
    mailed
    photo of handcuffs.

    BEST:

    A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer
    walked
    to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet
    you
    are
    going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolman's Ball. " He
    replied,
    "Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence
    while
    she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his
    book,
    got back on his motorcycle and left.

    Sempers,

    Roger

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  14. #14

    Cool Bad American

    George Carlin's I'm a BAD American:


    I Am Your Worst Nightmare. I am a BAD American.
    I am George Carlin.

    I like big cars, big hooters, and big paychecks. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some midlevel governmental functionary with a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squirting out babies.
    I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac, you'd better do it in English.

    I'm not in touch with my feelings and I like it that way.

    I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes two parents.
    I think owning a gun doesn't make you a killer.
    I want to know which church is it exactly where the
    Reverend Jesse Jackson preaches. And where does he get his money. And why is he always part of the problem and not the solution.

    I believe if she has her lips on your willie, it is sex, and it is sex for both of you. This even applies when you are President of the United States.
    I think that being a student doesn't give you any more enlightenment than working at Blockbuster. In fact, if your parents are footing the bill to put your pansy ass through 4-7 years of college, you haven't begun to be enlightened.

    I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, just leave the rest of us out of it. This also applies to sexuality.

    I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason.

    I don't think being a minority makes you noble or victimized.

    I don't use the excuse "it's for the children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions.

    I think fireworks should be legal on the 4th of July.

    I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor.
    I know wrestling is fake and I don't waste my time arguing about it.

    I think global warming is a big lie. Where are all those experts now, when I am freezing my ass through a long winter?

    I've never owned a slave, or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt, I haven't burned any witches or been persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut up already.

    I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if you're running from them. I also think they have the right to pull your ass over if you are breaking the law, regardless of what color you are.

    I think if you are too stupid to know how a ballot works, I don't want you deciding who should be running the most powerful nation of the world for the next four years.

    I think if you are in the passing lane, and not passing, your license should be revoked, and you should be forced to ride the bus until you promise to never delay the rest of us again.

    I think beef jerky could quite possibly be the perfect food.

    I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement.

    I think Dr. Seuss was a fool.

    I 'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.

    If that makes me a BAD American, then yes, I'm a BAD American.

    Sempers,

    Roger

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

  15. #15

    Cool Crash Dummy

    This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the
    newsletter
    of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation board. This
    is
    a true story.
    Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.......


    Dear Sir,

    I am writing in response to your request for additional information in
    Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause
    of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the
    following
    details will be sufficient. I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of
    the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story
    building.
    when I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over
    which, when
    weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 500lbs. Rather
    than
    carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by
    using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the
    sixth floor. Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung
    the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and
    untied the rope,
    holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks. You will
    note
    in Block
    11 of the accident report form that I weigh 135lbs.
    Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost
    my
    presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I
    proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity
    of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward
    at an equally impressive speed.
    This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken
    collarbone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form. Slowed
    only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the
    fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.
    Fortunately by this
    time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to
    the
    rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain. At approximately the
    same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the
    ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight
    of the
    bricks, that barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to
    my weight. As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side
    of
    the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel
    coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and
    several
    lacerations of my legs and lower body.
    Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel
    seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the
    pile
    of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked. I am sorry
    to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain,
    unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let
    go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its
    journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs. I hope
    this answers your inquiry.

    Sempers,

    Roger

    IN LOVING MEMORY OF MY LATE HUSBAND, SSgt Roger A. Alfano, USMC
    ONE PROUD MARINE
    1961-1977
    Vietnam 1968/69
    Once a Marine...Always a Marine

    https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1204617174

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