I Was There Last Night

[Phantom Blooper]

By Robert Clark
*The High Ground*
P.O. Box 457
Neillsville, WI 54456


A couple of years ago someone asked me if I still thought about Vietnam. I
nearly laughed in their face. How do you stop thinking about it? Every day
for the last twenty-four years, I wake up with it, and go to bed with it.
But this is what I said. "Yea, I think about it. I can't quit thinking
about it. I never will. But, I've also learned to live with it. I'm
comfortable with the memories. I've learned to stop trying to forget and
learned instead to embrace it. It just doesn't scare me anymore."

A psychologist once told me that NOT being affected by the experience over
there would be abnormal. When he told me that, it was like he'd just given
me a pardon. It was as if he said, "Go ahead and feel something about the
place, Bob. It ain't going nowhere. You're gonna wear it for the rest of
your life. Might as well get to know it."

A lot of my "brothers" haven't been so lucky. For them the memories are too
painful, their sense of loss too great. My sister told me of a friend she
has whose husband was in the Nam. She asks this guy when he was there.
Here's what he said, "Just last night." It took my sister a while to figure
out what he was talking about. JUST LAST NIGHT. Yeah I was in the Nam.
When? JUST LAST NIGHT. During sex with my wife. And on my way to work
this morning. Over my lunch hour. Yeah, I was there.

My sister says I'm not the same brother that went to Vietnam. My wife says
I won't let people get close to me, not even her. They are probably both
right.

Ask a vet about making friends in Nam. It was risky. Why? Because we were
in the business of death, and death was with us all the time. It wasn't the
death of, "If I die before I wake." This was the real thing. The kind
where boys scream for their mothers. The kind that lingers in your mind and
becomes more real each time you cheat it. You don't want to make a lot of
friends when the possibility of dying is that real, that close. When you
do, friends become a liability.

A guy named Bob Flanigan was my friend. Bob Flanigan is dead. I put him in
a body bag one sunny day, April 29, 1969. We'd been talking, only a few
minutes before he was shot, about what we were going to do when we got back
in the world. Now, this was a guy who had come in country the same time as
myself. A guy who was loveable and generous. He had blue eyes and sandy
blond hair.

When he talked, it was with a soft drawl. Flanigan was a hick and he knew
it. That was part of his charm. He didn't care. Man, I loved this guy
like the brother I never had. But, I screwed up. I got too close to him.
Maybe I didn't know any better. But I broke one of the unwritten rules of
war.

DON'T GET CLOSE TO PEOPLE WHO ARE GOING TO DIE. Sometimes you can't help it.

You hear vets use the term "buddy" when they refer to a guy they spent the
war with. "Me and this buddy a mine . . "

"Friend" sounds too intimate, doesn't it. "Friend" calls up images of being
close. If he's a friend, then you are going to be hurt if he dies, and war
hurts enough without adding to the pain. Get close; get hurt. It's as
simple as that.

In war you learn to keep people at that distance my wife talks about. You
become so good at it, that twenty years after the war, you still do it
without thinking. You won't allow yourself to be vulnerable again.

My wife knows two people who can get into the soft spots inside me. My
daughters. I know it probably bothers her that they can do this. It's not
that I don't love my wife, I do. She's put up with a lot from me. She'll
tell you that when she signed on for better or worse she had no idea there
was going to be so much of the latter. But with my daughters it's
different.

My girls are mine. They'll always be my kids. Not marriage, not distance,
not even death can change that. They are something on this earth that can
never be taken away from me. I belong to them. Nothing can change that.

I can have an ex-wife; but my girls can never have an ex-father. There's
the difference.

I can still see the faces, though they all seem to have the same eyes. When
I think of us I always see a line of "dirty grunts" sitting on a paddy dike.
We're caught in the first gray silver between darkness and light. That
first moment when we know we've survived another night, and the business of
staying alive for one more day is about to begin. There was so much hope in
that brief space of time. It's what we used to pray for. "One more day,
God. One more day."

And I can hear our conversatioins as if they'd only just been spoken. I
still hear the way we sounded, the hard cynical jokes, our morbid senses of
humor. We were scared to death of dying, and trying our best not to show
it.

I recall the smells, too. Like the way cordite hangs on the air after a
fire-fight. Or the pungent odor of rice paddy mud. So different from the
black dirt of Iowa. The mud of Nam smells ancient, somehow. Like it's
always been there. And I'll never forget the way blood smells, stick and
drying on my hands. I spent a long night that way once. That memory isn't
going anywhere.

I remember how the night jungle appears almost dream like as the pilot of a
Cessna buzzes overhead, dropping parachute flares until morning. That
artifical sun would flicker and make shadows run through the jungle. It was
worse than not being able to see what was out there sometimes. I remember
once looking at the man next to me as a flare floated overhead. The shadows
around his eyes were so deep that it looked like his eyes were gone. I
reached over and touched him on the arm; without looking at me he touched
my hand. "I know man. I know." That's what he said. It was a human
moment. Two guys a long way from home and scared sh"tless.

"I know man." And at that moment he did.

God I loved those guys. I hurt every time one of them died. We all did.
Despite our posturing. Despite our desire to stay disconnected, we couldn't
help ourselves. I know why Tim O'Brien writes his stories. I know what
gives Bruce Weigle the words to create poems so honest I cry at their
horrible beauty. It's love. Love for those guys we shared the experience
with.

We did our jobs like good soldiers, and we tried our best not to become as
hard as our surroundings. We touched each other and said, "I know." Like a
mother holding a child in the middle of a nightmare, "It's going to be all
right." We tried not to lose touch with our humanity. We tried to walk
that line. To be the good boys our parents had raised and not to give into
that unnamed thing we knew was inside us all.

You want to know what frightening is? It's a nineteen-year-old-boy who's
had a sip of that power over life and death that war gives you. It's a boy
who, despite all the things he's been taught, knows that he likes it. It's
a nineteen-year-old who's just lost a friend, and is angry and scared and,
determined that, "Some *@#*s gonna pay." To this day, the thought of that
boy can wake me from a sound sleep and leave me staring at the ceiling.

As I write this, I have a picture in from of me. It's of two young men. On
their laps are tablets. One is smoking a cigarette. Both stare without
expression at the camera. They're writing letters. Staying in touch with
places they would rather be. Places and people they hope to see again.

The picture shares space in a frame with one of my wife. She doesn't mind.
She knows she's been included in special company. She knows I'll always
love those guys who shared thatr part of my life, a part she never can. And
she understands how I feel about the ones I know are out there yet. The
ones who still answer the question, "When were you in Vietnam?"

"Hey, man. I was there just last night."

[Osotogary]

Thank you for the post, Phantom.
Easy to read, hard to swallow but totally understandable.

[hrscowboy]

Outstanding my brother..

[airframesguru]

I have been to "The High Ground" years ago with my dad. It was cool to have a place for him to reflect and talk with brothers. Can't say that I even know what you guys go through, I am sorry that you do. Thanks for all you've done.

Semper Fidelis,
Mike

[marine6674]

I know of what you are saying. Still there and done that.
Thanks for the post brought back memories.
Sempers
Jim

[maspotente2]

I wrote this years ago upon my return from military service-I dedicate this to all that have served and are currently serving and in memory of those that gave the ultimate sacrfice.


" I Didn't Hesitate "

I answered the call of my country- though afraid I went
I stood proud with my comrades-knowing we'd be facing death
A hero-people say is not afraid of anything
Courage is being afraid and going anyway
I didn't understand that reason or why we were there
Our job was to protect -the people that were there
The American flag was all we had-to remind us of home
As it waved proudly above the gunfire and the smoke
As the sounds of bombs dropping far in the distance
Made the memories of home- a distant rememberance
I wore my uniform- proud and tall
We all gave some and some gave all
Will I forget- that I went and fought this war-No !
I just remember- what I was fighting for
For my country, family and all Americans
The price we pay for freedom is quite evident
As my country called from Korea to Kuwait
I know deep inside--I Didn't Hesitate !!!!!!!
Dedicated to all that have worn and are wearing the United States Military uniform and also to those that gave the ultimate sacrifice and those that have passed on that fought so gallantly in wars passed--A Vet Never Forgets!!!


Semper Fi....Oorah!!!

[Namvet67]

Amen! A vet doesn't forget! Good posts! Been there...got the t-shirt! Semper Fi and welcome home!

[johndavidkeller]

Well stated, my brother, and hopefully the simple act of posting your thoughts gives you a little more freedom in your soul and spirit. I recall an interview with Norman Swartzkopf after Desert Storm where he recalled his experience as a Co. Commander and a young captain in Nam. He looked right into the camera and said "I was not free from my memories of dead soldiers until I finally realized that I DON"T have to apologize for not dying in Viet Nam"
That hit me like a thunderbolt! The terrible guilt over fallen or horribly wounded comrades and the constant nagging "why did I survive?" would hang with me for years and years....but his blunt response gave me great pause, and to some extent, relief, that I had sought out for 30 years.

Your post is appreciated, and a sincere "Welcome home" from an old Marine.

JD Keller (Retired in the Philippines)

[BigPhil]

I think that all of us have some hard times with the past, I thought I was doing good till I retired, then the the dreams got real bad. The wife convinced me that I needed help. I am in groupe at the locial VA. But the dreams are still their. So yes I was in Nam last night also. for the last 38 years. Good luck Brother
Sempre Fi.
P.C.

[Riven37]

Originally posted by Phantom Blooper
By Robert Clark
*The High Ground*
P.O. Box 457
Neillsville, WI 54456


A couple of years ago someone asked me if I still thought about Vietnam. I nearly laughed in their face. How do you stop thinking about it? Every day for the last twenty-four years, I wake up with it, and go to bed with it.

I'm confused last 24 years place you in 1981 ??? Have I read your open statement wrong...For I, take 2005 subtract 36 years place me in 1969......

[Phantom Blooper]

Originally posted by Phantom Blooper

By Robert Clark
*The High Ground*
P.O. Box 457
Neillsville, WI 54456


"A couple of years ago someone asked me if I still thought about Vietnam. I nearly laughed in their face. How do you stop thinking about it? Every day for the last twenty-four years, I wake up with it, and go to bed with it. "

"I'm confused last 24 years place you in 1981 ??? Have I read your open statement wrong...For I, take 2005 subtract 36 years place me in 1969......"


I'm confused too....Fuzzy Math....I just posted it I didn't write it!
My profile puts me in from 73-89 16 years + a few months.I was in Beirut,Lebanon 05/83-11/83 when the BLT 1/8 HQ Barracks was bombed...22 years ago. When was I last in Lebanon? LAST NIGHT!

Great read! Although the posted article was for my Vietnam brothers ...change Vietnam and put in any war or conflict!THAT'S MY STORY AND I WILL ALWAY'S STICK TO IT! Like my Navy brother Popeye said,"I yam.what I yam,and that's all that I yam!"

Semper-Fi! "Never Forget" Chuck Hall :marine

[Phantom Blooper]

Photo On The Mind


He carries a photo, not on his hip but in his mind of a place back in time
He sees their faces and remembers the places

He feels the pain and the sorrow and knows there is more to come tomorrow

At night he lays and hears their screams wishing it was only a dream



When you see a vet on the street give him a smile and a friendly great,

let him know if he hadn’t went to settle that revolution

you wouldn’t be living by this great Constitution.



He left here young at heart and came back with a broken heart

He thought the photo would leave his mind and be left far behind

but in his dreams he sees their faces and remembers all the places

He feels the pain and the sorrow for the families today and tomorrow



When you see a vet on the street give him a smile and a friendly great,

let him know if he hadn’t went to settle that revolution

you wouldn’t be living by this great Constitution.



I’m a Vet you see, my brothers and me, served in a conflict we couldn’t win

You see they built that Wall in Washington D.C. for everyone to see

We lost 58,479 brothers and sisters that’s why we cry

We look at the names and see the faces and try to remember the places

We carry the pain and the guilt because we can’t help but carry that photo in our mind and not on our hip



When you see a vet on the street give him a smile and a friendly great,

let him know if he hadn’t went to settle that revolution

you wouldn’t be living by this great Constitution.



We as vets walk tall and proud and we are not hard to tell from the rest

We all have taken that terrible test we carry a burden on our shoulders and on our chest for the brothers & sisters who didn’t pass the test

We carry their photo in our mind and not on our hip and God knows they did their best and we as soldiers know the rest so when we come home this time do your best to give us a smile and a friendly greet

We are the tired soldier still on his feet

If you see tears in our eyes when we see Old Glory fly we know the price we had to pay to be free another day



When you see a vet on the street give him a smile and a friendly great,

let him know if he hadn’t went to settle that revolution

you wouldn’t be living by this great Constitution.



Written And Copyright 2003 By Jesse A Greer, Jr:



Jesse A Greer, Jr.

2nd Battalion 4th Marines

The Magnificent Bastards

Second To None

[Riven37]

Originally posted by Phantom Blooper
Originally posted by Phantom Blooper

By Robert Clark
*The High Ground*
P.O. Box 457
Neillsville, WI 54456


"A couple of years ago someone asked me if I still thought about Vietnam. I nearly laughed in their face. How do you stop thinking about it? Every day for the last twenty-four years, I wake up with it, and go to bed with it. "

"I'm confused last 24 years place you in 1981 ??? Have I read your open statement wrong...For I, take 2005 subtract 36 years place me in 1969......"


I'm confused too....Fuzzy Math....I just posted it I didn't write it!
My profile puts me in from 73-89 16 years + a few months.I was in Beirut,Lebanon 05/83-11/83 when the BLT 1/8 HQ Barracks was bombed...22 years ago. When was I last in Lebanon? LAST NIGHT!

Great read! Although the posted article was for my Vietnam brothers ...change Vietnam and put in any war or conflict!THAT'S MY STORY AND I WILL ALWAY'S STICK TO IT! Like my Navy brother Popeye said,"I yam.what I yam,and that's all that I yam!"

Semper-Fi! "Never Forget" Chuck Hall :marine

Let me get this right...you found this reading and re-posted it for us Nam Vets is this right ? If so, you were not speaking about you at all only relating to how combat vets feels across wars...is this right?

[Phantom Blooper]

oh
quote:

"Originally posted by Phantom Blooper"

By Robert Clark
*The High Ground*
P.O. Box 457
Neillsville, WI 54456


"A couple of years ago someone asked me if I still thought about Vietnam. I nearly laughed in their face. How do you stop thinking about it? Every day for the last twenty-four years, I wake up with it, and go to bed with it. "

"I'm confused last 24 years place you in 1981 ??? Have I read your open statement wrong...For I, take 2005 subtract 36 years place me in 1969......"


I'm confused too....Fuzzy Math....I just posted it I didn't write it!
My profile puts me in from 73-89 16 years + a few months.I was in Beirut,Lebanon 05/83-11/83 when the BLT 1/8 HQ Barracks was bombed...22 years ago. When was I last in Lebanon? LAST NIGHT!

Great read! Although the posted article was for my Vietnam brothers ...change Vietnam and put in any war or conflict!THAT'S MY STORY AND I WILL ALWAY'S STICK TO IT! Like my Navy brother Popeye said,"I yam.what I yam,and that's all that I yam!"

Semper-Fi! "Never Forget" Chuck Hall :marine




Let me get this right...you found this reading and re-posted it for us Nam Vets is this right ? If so, you were not speaking about you at all only relating to how combat vets feels across wars...is this right?
__________________
Riven37
"Don't Mean Nothing"

OH! Was it not posted in the Vietnam Forum? Was it not mentioning Vietnam? I re-posted it to be read! If you don’t like the reading, DON’T read it! If you don’t like the author write him and voice your complaints! If you DON’T like the poster DON’T read what I post on a forum. It seems strange to me though all posts to this thread were positive except yours!

I will not and I have never disrespected a veteran on any board that I have ever posted on. Frankly, I don’t see why you are questioning me! And why? I am gullible and foolish enough to defend myself for something I didn’t write. By replying back to this post


Every Marine, soldier sailor and airman has his or her own cross to bear. I hold ALL veterans and active duty personnel from all military branches of service in high regard!


Riven37, take it for what it’s worth, “It Don't Mean Nothing" And that’s how I feel about you and your questioning of me!


Semper-Fi! “Never Forget” Chuck Hall