I just don't know..............

[HardJedi]

Ok, so bear with me here, it's 12:37 AM where I am when i am writing this.


So, I was sitting hre watching that new military channel, and I got really depressed all of a sudden. I started to think about all that I have done and not done in my life.

All my life, all I ever wanted was to make a difference somehow, someway. To make a contribution. To do something of importance. To do something I could be proud of, and that my children and friends could be proud of. ( I SAy children, but as of right now, I only have one child) and I feel like so far, I have failed, and that my chances to do any of that have passed me by. ( sometimes I feel that way, like right now)

I was watching this thing on the Marines tank unit ( delta Co, 1st Marines, I think) and seeing all those guy's over there, fighting, dying, just got me to thinking about everything.

I guess, if there IS a god, and he(it) has some master plan for us all I should just be patient, but I feel like I have missed out on what I should have been a part of.

I, like alot of people, Joined the Marines, because I wanted to be a part of something, and because I wanted to serve, and because I wanted to make a difference. It just seems like I never really got the chance. Desert Storm, over tight before I graduated SOI. Who the hell even remembers anything we did in Bosnia, or Haiti in 94? and now here I am, out and to banged up to be of any use, and we have the whole 9/11 thing, Afganistan, and Iraq, and I really don't think either of those will be the end of our current troubles, and I sit by on the sidelines. I HATE IT!

Sure, I have an OK life, and I am trying to become a teacher, to make a difference in the only way I can think of that is left to me, but I just can't help feeling that I have missed what i was MEANT to do, what I was MEANT to BE. Don't get me wrong, I have no death wish, nore any desire to go "get some" or kill anyone else . Flying bullets scare the crap out of me!

My whole life I just felt like that was were I belonged, hat I was meant to do, and because of circumstance, and time, I have missed it, and now its too late for me. how is that supposed to make me feel?


look, I am sorry for venting all this here,but thanks for listening. hope it didn't bore you to death, and that it makes SOME kind of sense. I'm tired now, think I'll go to bed.

[garryh123]

Brother, I know how you feel. My father was a 20 year Marine. 3 tours in Nam. I f'd my time in the Corps by screwin up my foot. Now i am suffering thru inherited problems, depression, paranoia and anxiety attacks.....seeing 2 shrinks the 19th....every day is a struggle....every day my mind screams with regrets of the past. even the xanex doesnt work anymore. I'm on short term disability.workin on the last of my booze....I ask God every day why I have to suffer thru this. I'm broke now...disabilty checks have not arrived yet...tears are flowin now because I cannot shut up my mind..it pains me that i cannot replace my Brothers in Iraq......i cant even make it out of my apt due to the paranoia......put foil on my bathroom window so noone can get a clear shot at me...LOL.....the 19th cannot get here fast enough..when i was hiking it felt like demons where sneekin up behind me to steal my soul...at night it is even worse....i just try to suck it and tough it thru...God bless you brother..you are not alone

[garryh123]

My e-mail is garryh123@sbcglobal.net if you want to talk.

[jinelson]

Jedi Brother we all have these moments bro I think the shrinks call it guilt syndrom or something like that. Please dont ever beat yourself up for something we have no means to control. And damn it you did make a difference just like I did and all our brothers and sisters did in there time and place. And please bro be advised that I distinctly remember Bosnia and Haiti and those were just as important as any other enemy engagements. Venting is a very good thing if ya dont you explode. God Bless you and sleep tight, tomorrow is another day

[garryh123]

Hardjedi...every day i wanna kill myself. but I know that is wrong and somehow find the strength to make it thru..yes i am rambling...but venting is good

[jinelson]

Look here Marine I cant bear to hear ya talk like that. We are brothers and we will freakin work this crap out. And yeah Im FUBAR too but lets get our collective sheite together Ok ? Lets talk PM me.

YOUR BROTHER JIM

[Koble_USMC]

HardJedi-


No matter what else happens in your life, always remember that the most important person you can make a difference for is already under your roof. Your child will always look up to you and that is the person you need to focus on. It is easy to be a bad parent, especially with all the technology around that parents use to 'babysit' their children (video games, tv, internet). Just focus on what is important to you, your family. Thats where you are needed and appreciated most (except for maybe your Marine brothers and sisters here). Just keep your head up and know that you have made a difference to your friends here and to your family at home. Stay motivated Marine!!



LT

[HardJedi]

Well, thanks guy's. for the advice and kind words. And Garry, I hear ya Bro, I hear ya. Thanks for the e-mail addy, I'll use it soon.


I know being a good parent is important, and of COURSE I do my best at that, but........, oh hell, I don't know. Trust me on this though, no matter how bad I feel, about ANYTHING, I'll never give up, there's always been THAT much Marine in me at least.

Koble? I would have to say, thats the first thoughtfull, intelligent, and lucid thing a 2nd LT has ever said to me LOL ( sorry, even when feeling down, my sense of humor is still there)

[Namvet67]

Jedi...keep something in mind...It's all temporary. Look around you...somebody has it a lot worse than you. Most of us have been there before but the Marine in us will not allow us to QUIT.

[Toby M]

There are days that I get down on myself for the very reasons you guys have stated here plus a myriad of others. I don't drink or do drugs nor do I seek help from others. I, like many others on this site, rely too much on my own instincts and self intervention (not to mention too much pride) and consequently suffer none-the-less. HardJedi and Garryh, rest assured that as long as this board is up, there are others out there "listening" to you and admire you for having the courage to speak out and ask for help. Marine's are never alone...

[Mr.Rod]

Jedi, you are goin through the same thing i was 30 years ago.....and trust me, it does get better...... I was diagnosed with severe PTSD accompanied by a major case of Survivors Guilt. I spent a total of 18 months in Nam and came home without a scratch, although there were a couple of REAL CLOSE calls. It just has to run it's course, which includes thoughts of suicide, self destruction, low self esteem, and a whole bunch of other questions of which the most damaging one is Why did I come home in one piece and not my buddies? DON'T waste your time lookin for the answer to that one cause you will never find it. The only way to attack that question is to accept the fact that you ARE here, you ARE in one piece and you ARE gonna get better. After the treatment the Nam vets got for their homecoming, there were a lot of them, myself included, that thought the lucky ones were the ones in the body bags. This is the WRONG attitude to have, just ask any Nam vet and they will tell ya the same thing. War is one f**cked up situation that takes a boy and robs him of his mind and soul. But you can make it, look at me and gbudd....well, maybe not the best example but we still made it. Good luck Bro........Smitty

[Namvet67]

Perfect way to put it Toby..I'm much like you in the way I handle my problems (way too much pride too). But like you say..Marines are never alone. Talking about a problem always helps.

[Fred Pfeiffer]

Jedi,

I don't post here very often. But something told me to send you this.

I too understand your feelings and have been there myself. May I make a simple suggestion?

There is a book that you see displayed all over the place, which directly addresses your questions. It is titled "The Purpose Driven Life" by Rick Warren.

It has been on the best seller list for months. It is easy to read, not very long and you can buy it almost anywhere.

I can't guarantee anything, but if you take the time to read it and think about what is said, it should help alot. It dramatically changed my way of thinking, for the better, and others that I have talked with who have read it, tell me their way of thinking was changed in much the same way as mine was.

Give it a try. I can't hurt and will probably change your way of thinking, for the better, too.

Semper Fidelis
Fred

[Namvet67]

Good post Rod....PTSD yep I have a round or two with that. Agent orange exposure as well. Spent 36 months in Nam and I didn't want to go home and leave my buddies behind. I think I died in Vietnam..well part of me did. One thing that still haunts me today is the fact that the Marine Corps discharged me (honorably of course) because I wanted to stay in Vietnam. That sucks....threw me right back into a life where no one had any respect for you and a lot really hated Marines. So I became a biker for a year and worked thru a lot of my problems before I entered the work force. I made it..became successful but I still have problems and with the help of my friends..they always get solved. Did I every think about quiting...yep..but could not let down my family and friends..so I became a winner. Semper Fi

[Mr.Rod]

Ya see Jedi, YOU ARE NOT ALONE out here, but it takes a lot of will power and determination not to fail along with the balls to ask for help, which you did by startin this thread. That's the biggest and hardest step to take, and you made it over that one with flyin colors Bro. whether you realize it or not. Hang in there, things do get better.