Chuckles of the day - Page 9
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  1. #121

  2. #122
    Was sitting in the doctors office yesterday and heard a man telling the doctor that he was in a lot of pain from a bee sting on his penis and could the doctor take away the pain and leave the swelling.

  3. #123
    Quote Originally Posted by silverdollar View Post
    Was sitting in the doctors office yesterday and heard a man telling the doctor that he was in a lot of pain from a bee sting on his penis and could the doctor take away the pain and leave the swelling.

  4. #124
    If your urine looks like beer, you are likely dehydrated..

    But if it looks like bud light, you're good.

  5. #125
    While on a long layover at an airport, a tourist decided to kill some time and walk around the neighborhood. He came across a sign out in a front yard saying "Talking Dog. Five dollars". He immediately went around back and found the owner in a rocking chair and the dog by his side. He said to the owner: FIVE DOLLARS, for a TALKING dog? If this is real, you could make millions! The owner shook his head and then asked the tourist to say something to the dog. Feeling a bit foolish, the tourist hesitantly said Good Morning. And the dog replied What's up With You? The tourist was taken aback, and the dog went into a long speech about how he had worked at the White House, was the president's watchdog, slept in the Oval Office during working hours, was instrumental in a huge heroin bust in Washington, was loaned out to the Queen of England on occasion as her private security dog, foiled a few bank robberies by being alert and went on and on, then stopped and lay back down. The tourist was flabbergasted. "FIVE DOLLARS for this dog??? Are you kidding me?? And the owner frowned and said "I'm getting rid of him because he's a liar. The son of a ***** has never done any of those things".

  6. #126
    On a flight to Chicago there was a blond sitting in economy who saw an empty seat in first class and moved into it, the flight attendant saw her and told her that she had to back to economy , the blond said no so the flight attendant told the captain who tried to get her to move with same result, a man who saw the whole thing said that he could help, the man talked to the blond for a few minutes and the women moved back to economy,everybody asked what he said to her, he replied that he was married to a blond and he just told her that first class was not going to Chicago.

  7. #127
    I asked to switch seats on a plane because I was sat next to a screaming baby..

    Apparently, that's not allowed if the baby is yours.

  8. #128
    A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one.

    The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.

    “My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue,” she explained. “Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.”

    Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked.

    “Oh,” she said, “that’s the money I made from selling the dolls.”

  9. #129

  10. #130
    Quote Originally Posted by Kegler300 View Post
    The sad truth.

  11. #131
    “Give it to me!” She yelled. "I’m so wet, give it to me now!"

    She could scream all she wanted.

    I was keeping the umbrella.

  12. #132
    I know a guy who thinks he's a peanut shell.

    He's a real nutcase.

  13. #133
    Q: What do you call a communist sniper?

    A: A Marx-man.

    Marine Corps Supporter and Photographer at Petstreetmall.

  14. #134
    A man and his ever-nagging wife are visiting Jerusalem when his wife slips on some stairs, falls, and hits her head so hard she dies. The body is taken to a local undertaker. The undertaker tells the man, "We can ship her body back to the U.S. for about five thousand dollars, or we can bury her here for about $150.00 U.S. dollars.

    The man says, "Ship her back to the U.S."

    The undertaker looks at the man and repeats the cost, "Five Thousand U.S. dollars to ship her body! Only one hundred fifty U.S. dollars to bury her here! Why ship it?"

    The man says, "A long time ago a man died here. He was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

  15. #135

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