Chuckles of the day - Page 2
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  1. #16
    Perspective:

    1. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

    2. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

    3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably pretty upset.

    4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

    5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

    6. I don't like making plans for the day-because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

    7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.

    8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

    9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan?

    10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.


  2. #17
    MujibarMujibar was trying to get a job in India . The Personnel Manager said, 'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.It is a simple test of your English language skills. Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.' Mujibar said, 'I am ready.' The manager said, 'You must make a sentence using the words Yellow, Pink , and Green . ' Mujibar thought for a few minutes and said, 'Mister manager, I am ready.' The manager said, 'Go ahead.' Mujibar said, 'The telephone goes green, green , and I pink it up, and say,Yellow , this is Mujibar.' Mujibar now works at a call center. Perhaps you have spoken to him.


  3. #18
    COSTELLO : I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.

    ABBOTT : Good Subject. Terrible Times. Itís 5.6%.

    COSTELLO : That many people are out of work?

    ABBOTT : No, thatís 23%.

    COSTELLO : You just said 5.6%.

    ABBOTT : 5.6% Unemployed.

    COSTELLO : Right 5.6% out of work.

    ABBOTT : No, thatís 23%.

    COSTELLO : Okay, so itís 23% unemployed.

    ABBOTT : No, thatís 5.6%.

    COSTELLO : WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 5.6% or 23%?

    ABBOTT : 5.6% are unemployed. 23% are out of work.

    COSTELLO : If you are out of work you are unemployed.

    ABBOTT : No, Obamaís Team said you canít count the ďOut of WorkĒ as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.

    COSTELLO : BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!

    ABBOTT : No, you miss his point.

    COSTELLO : What point?

    ABBOTT : Someone who doesnít look for work canít be counted with those who look for work. It wouldnít be fair.

    COSTELLO : To whom?

    ABBOTT : The unemployed.

    COSTELLO : But ALL of them are out of work.

    ABBOTT : No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

    COSTELLO : So if youíre off the unemployment roles that would count as less unemployment?

    ABBOTT : Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

    COSTELLO : The unemployment just goes down because you donít look for work?

    ABBOTT : Absolutely it goes down. Thatís how it gets to 5.6%. Otherwise it would be 23%.

    COSTELLO : Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?

    ABBOTT : Two ways is correct.

    COSTELLO : Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

    ABBOTT : Correct.

    COSTELLO : And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

    ABBOTT : Bingo.

    COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to have people stop looking for work.

    ABBOTT: Now youíre thinking like an Economist.

    COSTELLO: I donít even know what the hell I just said!

    ABBOTT: Now youíre thinking like a Politician.


  4. #19
    An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
    After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
    The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'.
    The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
    The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
    The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
    The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
    The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
    'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
    'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
    That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
    The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
    The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. So that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
    The president was happy to oblige.
    The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked
    The president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
    The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland.'


  5. #20
    A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout , "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
    Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared.
    Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked: "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
    The wife said,"Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I know he won't ask for directions."


  6. #21
    Scottish Flight.

    Airborne approximately thirty minutes on an outbound evening flight from Glasgow, the lead flight attendant for the cabin crew nervously
    made the following painful announcement..:

    "Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry but it appears that there
    has been a terrible mix-up, one minute prior to takeoff, by our airport catering service...
    I don't know how this has happened but we have 103 passengers on board and, unfortunately, only 40 dinner meals...
    I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience."

    When passengers' muttering had died down, she continued.. ,

    "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, unlimited drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight."

    Her next announcement came 90 minutes later... "

    If anyone would like to change their minds, we still have 40
    dinners available."


  7. #22
    A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale 'He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

    The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

    'You talk?' he asks.
    'Yep,' the Lab replies.

    After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

    The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.

    In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'


    'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running...

    But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

    I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'


    'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

    'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

    'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

    'Because he's a Bullsh!tter. He's never been out of the yard'


  8. #23
    Life is all about ASS

    Your either covering it,
    Laughing it off,
    Kicking it,
    Kissing it,
    Busting it,
    Dragging it,
    Trying to get a piece of it,
    Behaving like one,
    Or living with one.


  9. #24
    Christian One-Liners:

    Don't let your worries get the best of you; Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
    Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited
    Until you try to sit in their pews.
    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
    Many folks want to serve God,
    But only as advisers.
    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
    It is easier to preach ten sermons
    Than it is to live one.
    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
    The good Lord didn't create anything without a purpose,
    But mosquitoes come close.
    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
    When you get to your wit's end,
    You'll find God lives there.
    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
    People are funny; they want the front of the bus,
    Middle of the road,
    And back of the church.
    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
    Opportunity may knock once,
    But temptation bangs on the front door forever.
    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
    Quit griping about your church;
    If it was perfect, you couldn't belong.
    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
    If a church wants a better pastor,
    It only needs to pray for the one it has.
    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
    We're called to be witnesses, not lawyers or judges.
    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
    God Himself doesn't propose to judge a man until
    he is dead. So why should you?
    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
    Some minds are like concrete
    Thoroughly mixed up and permanently set.
    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
    Peace starts with a smile.
    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
    I don't know why some people change churches;
    What difference does it make which one you stay home from?
    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
    Be ye fishers of men. You catch 'em - He'll clean 'em.
    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
    Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
    Don't put a question mark where God put a period.
    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
    Don' t wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
    Forbidden fruits create many jams.
    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
    God doesn't call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
    God grades on the cross, not the curve.
    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
    God loves everyone,
    But probably prefers 'fruits of the spirit' over 'religious nuts!'
    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
    God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
    He who angers you, controls you!
    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
    If God is your Co-pilot, swap seats!
    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
    Prayer:
    Don't give God instructions, just report for duty!
    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
    The task ahead of us is never as
    great as the Power behind us.
    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
    The Will of God never takes you to where the
    Grace of God will not protect you.
    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
    We don't change the message,
    The message changes us.
    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
    You can tell how big a person is
    By what it takes to discourage him/her.
    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*
    The best mathematical equation I have ever seen:
    1 cross + 3 nails = 4 given.
    *+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*+*


  10. #25

  11. #26
    A wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her, then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K". She asks, "What does that mean"? He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot". She smiled and said, "Oh, that's sweet, but what about 'I, J, K' "? He said, "I'm Just Kidding' ". His eye is still swollen, but it will get better.


  12. #27
    A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the Middle East.

    Two million Muslims died and over a million were injured.

    Iraq and Iran are totally ruined, and the governments don't know where to start providing help to rebuild.

    The rest of the world is in shock.

    The USA is sending troops to help.

    Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

    Latin American countries are sending supplies.

    New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

    The Asian continent countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.

    Britain is sending medical teams and supplies.

    Canada, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims.

    God Bless CANADA!

    Damn those CANADIANS are smart !!!


  13. #28
    I got invited to a party and I was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.


    After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.


    Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.


    "ITS A BOY!" I shouted. "A BOY ! I DON'T BELIEVE IT ! ITS A BOY!" And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!


    Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humor!


    The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.


    I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next **** could spell disaster.

    My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was really my own fault, though. I should have taken them off.


    I spent a while defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.


    After we had both been suffering from depression for a while, the wife and I made plans to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it! Be tough; soldier on!"


    I woke up this morning for breakfast at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.


    Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.


    The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"


    My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
    "Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"


    A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.


    CONFUCIUS DID NOT SAY...

    ∑ Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.


  14. #29

  15. #30
    Avocados

    A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

    A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"

    He replied, "They had avocados."

    If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.

    My work is done here.


    Water in the carburetor...

    WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

    HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous "

    WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

    HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out.

    Where's the car?

    WIFE: "In the pool"


    THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC , PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYSOME IN RECENT YEARS.

    25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

    That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated.


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