Chuckles of the day
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  1. #1

    Chuckles of the day

    A Man's Age, as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot

    You are in the middle of a few projects at your home: putting in a new
    fence, painting the basement walls, putting in a new garden. You are hot
    and sweaty, covered in dust, l awn clippings, dirt and paint. You have your
    old work clothes on. You know the outfit -- shorts with the hole in the crotch,
    old T-shirt with a stain f rom who-knows-what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

    Right in the middle of these projects you realize you
    need to run to Home Depot for supplies. Depending on your age you
    might do the following:

    In your 20s: Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush
    your teeth, floss and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab
    of your favorite cologn e b ecause, you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing
    in the checkout line. And yes, you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

    In your 30s: Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change your shoes.
    You married the hot chick so no need for much else.
    Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got
    it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.The cute girl
    running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
    In your 40s:
    Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt
    that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts.
    Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute is
    almost empty, so don't waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check
    yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing.
    The hot young thing running the register is your
    daughter's age and you feel weird about thinking she's spicy.

    In your 50s:
    Stop what you are doing. Put on a hat. Wipe the dirt off
    your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog
    crap in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and swear not to
    wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.
    The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.
    Then you remember -- the hat you have on is from Bubba's Bait & Beer
    Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms'.

    In your 60s:
    Stop what you are doing. No need for a
    hat any more. Hose the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered
    when you were in your 50s. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs
    out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you
    don't have your glasses on, s o you're not sure.

    In your 70s:
    Stop
    what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your
    prescriptions ready too. Don't even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The
    young thing at the register stares at you and you realize your balls are
    hanging out the hole in your crotch.

    In your 80s:
    Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again.
    Now you remember you need to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead.
    You went to school with the old lady greeter.
    You wander around trying to remember what you are looking
    for. Then you fart out loud and think someone called your
    name.
    In your 90s & beyond :
    What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden?
    Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this?
    Did I send it? Did you?Who farted?


  2. #2
    Chuckles of the Day (par trois) ...


  3. #3

  4. #4

  5. #5
    1 . Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.


    2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.


    3. Law of Probability - Theprobability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.


    4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

    5. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.


    6. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

    7. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

    8. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

    9. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

    10 . Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

    11. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

    12. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

    13. Law of Physical Surfaces -
    The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

    14. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

    15. Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

    16. Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

    17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

    18. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.


  6. #6

  7. #7
    Now that they are retired, my mother and father were discussing all aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom.

    After some thought, Mom said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

    Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?"

    He replied, "Probably the same thing."


  8. #8
    Subject: BritishHumor

    A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hits the middle east, two million die, and hundreds of thousands are injured.

    Iraq , Iran and Syria are totally ruined andthe governments don't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
    The rest of the world is in shock.

    The USA is sending troops to help keep the peace.
    Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
    Latin American countries are sending clothing.
    New Zealand and Australia are sending sheep,cattle and food crops.
    The Asian countries are sending labor to assist in rebuilding the infrastructure.
    Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.
    GREAT BRITAIN, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Muslims. God Bless GREAT BRITAIN!


  9. #9
    YOU HAVE TO LOVE A GOOD NURSE. .

    A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well, however, the patrolman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.

    Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.

    Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily... if at all.

    Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,

    "Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford Explorer you pulled over last week."

    Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it?


  10. #10

  11. #11
    A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.
    The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.


    The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"


    The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."


    The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or ass, sweetie, what are you doing then?"


    He paused a moment, then told her...
    "Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, 'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping da money to pay for dis ride?


  12. #12
    Depression is at a all time high in Lesbians. Medical Science has come up with a new drug to treat this problem. It is called Trycoxagain.


  13. #13
    A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants.

    The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......'

    Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right now!'


  14. #14
    Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster, a very important position, and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days. So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.

    On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

    The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

    The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain." So the king hired the donkey. And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.


  15. #15
    How they do it in the Air Farce ...




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