Poolee getting married...need advice
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  1. #1
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    Poolee getting married...need advice

    My stepson leaves for boot camp on August 29, one week after his 22nd birthday. When we first found out about Nick's intention to join, we were upset, but then realized it would be the best thing for him. Nick is a sweet kid but is very immature and doesn't know what he wants, so his Marine experience should help him mature and give him some much-needed clarity. The problem is, when he signed his contract in January, he also asked his girlfriend of 2 months to marry him. She is 19 and graduated from high school last June. She is only the third girl Nick has dated, and he is her first boyfriend. The wedding is July 23rd, one month before he leaves.

    Our side feels that this is an approaching train wreck, but the bride's family is all excited. Her parents had the wedding completely planned out before we had even met them for the first time. They don't seem to understand how much my stepson will change over the next several months and that the best idea would be to put everything on hold at least until Nick has finished his training.

    My husband has tried talking to his son, but Nick is very bullheaded and will not listen (another sign of his immaturity). Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this?


  2. #2
    A few marines I know got married and it fell apart. It might be best to wait and see if she can cope with him being in the marines. I also have a few buddies that did this and they are still doing fine its a case by case deal.


  3. #3
    Someone can correct me on this if I'm wrong, but if he does get married before he goes to boot camp, he'll have to let his recruiter know, and more than likely, do his paperwork all over again.
    If he really wants to marry this girl, it would be best for him to wait until after he's done with boot camp, MCT, and his MOS schooling.


  4. #4
    My son just graduated from boot camp and before he left PI, his entire Company was told not to run home and get married. They will get deployed and be gone for months at a time and they were told that it's unfair to the new spouse. If she is truly "the one", she will be there in a couple of years.


  5. #5
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marinestepmom View Post
    My stepson leaves for boot camp on August 29, one week after his 22nd birthday. When we first found out about Nick's intention to join, we were upset, but then realized it would be the best thing for him. Nick is a sweet kid but is very immature and doesn't know what he wants, so his Marine experience should help him mature and give him some much-needed clarity. The problem is, when he signed his contract in January, he also asked his girlfriend of 2 months to marry him. She is 19 and graduated from high school last June. She is only the third girl Nick has dated, and he is her first boyfriend. The wedding is July 23rd, one month before he leaves.

    Our side feels that this is an approaching train wreck, but the bride's family is all excited. Her parents had the wedding completely planned out before we had even met them for the first time. They don't seem to understand how much my stepson will change over the next several months and that the best idea would be to put everything on hold at least until Nick has finished his training.

    My husband has tried talking to his son, but Nick is very bullheaded and will not listen (another sign of his immaturity). Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this?
    I would strongly back you and your husband on this matter. What's the rush? He'll be gone for quite some time, she probably won't be able to join him at his MOS school.

    Your step son does not need the responsibility of a bride while he is trying to make it through boot camp. I'm enough of a crummudgeon that I'd be asking myself why does this girls parents want her to get married so quickly? Is it financial? Does she have some sort of personality disorder?

    Sorry just thinking out loud


  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by SoftballCatch23 View Post
    Someone can correct me on this if I'm wrong, but if he does get married before he goes to boot camp, he'll have to let his recruiter know, and more than likely, do his paperwork all over again.
    If he really wants to marry this girl, it would be best for him to wait until after he's done with boot camp, MCT, and his MOS schooling.
    I think you might be on to some good advice. Here is what you do:

    You go talk to the recruiter (without your son knowing it). Tell the recruiter to tell your son if he gets married before he goes it will disqualify him completely. Then you can go to your son and be all, "I'm sorry son. We were totally in support of you getting married, but I guess you'll have to wait until you hit the fleet." My guess is the relationship won't make it to boot leave. You guys save face by making the recruiter out to be the bad guy and your son stays single for at least a few more years!

    [this advice was totally sarcastic and is not supported or endorsed by leatherneck.com or it's affiliates... *wink*wink*]


  7. #7
    Marine Platinum Member Zulu 36's Avatar
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    I've advised this time and again, no Marine should get married before they make Sergeant (and, hopefully have at least one deployment under their belt). It comes down to financial ability and maturity. Privates and PFCs do not make enough to support a family without the spouse working too (unless one of them is independently wealthy) and even a Sergeant's wife may have to work.

    His getting married before shipping will screw-up his paperwork. He enlisted as single, no dependents. Now, presto-chango, he has a wife just before shipping. Changes his whole status.

    We have a couple of recruiters on site, hopefully one will pop through and comment with more authority than the rest of us have.


  8. #8
    If I were his father I would ask that he wait til after boot camp and have a Marine wedding where the Bride goes under the USMC Swords. It will be a unforgetable wedding to be beheld by all.

    Or he can have a civilian wedding.


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    I am planning on contacting his recruiter to see if he knows my son's plans. Nick would most likely listen more to his recruiter than he would to his parents. Right now, he and his fiancee are living with her parents and she works part-time at a bowling alley. She has vague plans to go to college in the fall, but she hasn't made any real moves in this direction to my knowledge. Neither of her parents went to college, and her mother was 19 when they got married--but that was 27 years ago, and her husband didn't go off to the Marines a month after the wedding. I don't think that either Nick or his fiancee are thinking any further ahead than the honeymoon.

    My husband and his ex are both reluctant to discuss the matter any further with Nick as he will likely get angry and quit talking to them completely. I have been in Nick's life since he was 7 years old, but his father and I have been married for less than 3 years, so I haven't been a 'real' stepmom for very long and am not permitted to voice my opinion to Nick (not that it would do any good).

    Is there anything I can do in addition to talking with his recruiter?


  10. #10
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    Quote Originally Posted by Marinestepmom View Post
    I am planning on contacting his recruiter to see if he knows my son's plans. Nick would most likely listen more to his recruiter than he would to his parents. Right now, he and his fiancee are living with her parents and she works part-time at a bowling alley. She has vague plans to go to college in the fall, but she hasn't made any real moves in this direction to my knowledge. Neither of her parents went to college, and her mother was 19 when they got married--but that was 27 years ago, and her husband didn't go off to the Marines a month after the wedding. I don't think that either Nick or his fiancee are thinking any further ahead than the honeymoon.

    My husband and his ex are both reluctant to discuss the matter any further with Nick as he will likely get angry and quit talking to them completely. I have been in Nick's life since he was 7 years old, but his father and I have been married for less than 3 years, so I haven't been a 'real' stepmom for very long and am not permitted to voice my opinion to Nick (not that it would do any good).

    Is there anything I can do in addition to talking with his recruiter?
    I applaud your concern but from what you relate the die is cast. They are both legal adults but his enlistment terms have been changed, at least when he says "I do". I'm sorry but I would not contact his recruiter. It's up to him to man up and inform about his pending changes. Maybe it's time he started becoming a man????

    When he does and hopefully he will, it will cause some problems in paper work and possibly delay his ship date.

    I can appreciate your concerns re, the family dynamic but we here are not trained to deal with marital nor family problems. We are for the most part a bunch of old farts in training, all Marines but a few including myself, a retired Navy Commander. We just try and help out where we can


    Bottom line, don't interfere in his Marine process. Back off and let him rise or fall on his own actions or lack there of

    You seem like a caring person but he's not going to listen to you, after all he's "in love"



    Good luck to all of you, I suspect y'all will need it


  11. #11
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dave2571 View Post
    If I were Nick, I would consider anyone speaking with his recruiter as a step over the line.

    Damn Dave can't you at least wait for me to finish typing????? I know you went to the Betty Boop school of typing but not all of us had such a scholarship.


  12. #12
    Quote Originally Posted by Marinestepmom View Post
    My stepson leaves for boot camp on August 29, one week after his 22nd birthday. When we first found out about Nick's intention to join, we were upset, but then realized it would be the best thing for him. Nick is a sweet kid but is very immature and doesn't know what he wants, so his Marine experience should help him mature and give him some much-needed clarity. The problem is, when he signed his contract in January, he also asked his girlfriend of 2 months to marry him. She is 19 and graduated from high school last June. She is only the third girl Nick has dated, and he is her first boyfriend. The wedding is July 23rd, one month before he leaves.

    Our side feels that this is an approaching train wreck, but the bride's family is all excited. Her parents had the wedding completely planned out before we had even met them for the first time. They don't seem to understand how much my stepson will change over the next several months and that the best idea would be to put everything on hold at least until Nick has finished his training.

    My husband has tried talking to his son, but Nick is very bullheaded and will not listen (another sign of his immaturity). Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with this?

    Yeah his divorce will solve the problem in about 2 years.
    I am 24 years old and have been in the Marines for 7 years. I have been married twice unfortunately. I married my high school sweet heart right after boot camp, and as 80% of 1st term marriages do it ended up in divorce. It is very hard for two young people to hold something together when they are so inexperienced in the ways of the world. A deployment will change your stepson and his young girlfriend. I definitely advise against it as I have 2 under my belt and have seen first hand the atrocities of marriage when your not ready.

    It is my opinion your stepson is scared or at least uncertain of his decision as a lot of us were. It is after all I HUGE decision. And taking a spouse with you is like a security blanket. However, it is a terrible mistake to say the least.

    I hope this helps.


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    Quote Originally Posted by Dave2571 View Post
    Didn't even see you posting, Dan, sorry, I was looking around for a second, saw this thread and posted right away without even seeing who was doing what.
    We had to type fast and were always at least 15 characters behind what Morse Code we were listening to while we were actually copying, just something we had to learn to do, type fast-----didn't mean to post before you or while you were posting

    LOL I'm suffering the pangs of outrageous fortune. No doubt I should learn how to type if I'm to keep up with all of you stars


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    I was going to contact his recruiter only because I know that marriage complicates the issue, and I don't know if Nick has told him yet. I think the best course of action is to back out and let the chips fall where they may. Nobody likes to see their kids get hurt or make mistakes, but sometimes it's necessary in order for them to learn important life lessons.

    One somewhat bright spot--apparently, her parents sat down with them and told them not to have any babies for at least 5 years. Time will tell if they've heeded this advice...

    I appreciate all the comments and words of wisdom.

    BTW--my oldest brother (13 years older than I am) is a former Marine and served in Vietnam in the late 1960s. I remember how proud my parents were of him and how much he grew as a person--and I was only 11 when he was discharged. I hope my stepson can be half the Marine my brother was.


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    Quote Originally Posted by Marinestepmom View Post
    I was going to contact his recruiter only because I know that marriage complicates the issue, and I don't know if Nick has told him yet. I think the best course of action is to back out and let the chips fall where they may. Nobody likes to see their kids get hurt or make mistakes, but sometimes it's necessary in order for them to learn important life lessons.

    One somewhat bright spot--apparently, her parents sat down with them and told them not to have any babies for at least 5 years. Time will tell if they've heeded this advice...

    I appreciate all the comments and words of wisdom.

    BTW--my oldest brother (13 years older than I am) is a former Marine and served in Vietnam in the late 1960s. I remember how proud my parents were of him and how much he grew as a person--and I was only 11 when he was discharged. I hope my stepson can be half the Marine my brother was.
    I think that is best for all concerned.


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