Poolee getting married...need advice

[Marinestepmom]

Nick will be 22 on August 22nd and leaves for boot camp on August 29th. His fiancee, Jessica (who will be his wife after tomorrow) is 19 and graduated from high school last year. Nick is VERY immature (more like a 17-year-old) and Jessica is only the second girlfriend that he has ever had.

They met and started dating last November. Nick signed his delayed-entry papers in January and then proposed to Jessica. They had known each other for 2 months.

I've known Nick since he was 7 years old and he's always been pretty immature. (He has ADD, which is partly to blame.) I am not holding out much hope for this marriage.

[afraziaaaa]

I hope his recruiter knows. His recruiter is the person who has to write up his dependant waiver.

[Yonkers]

You prolly wont be able to visit them in SOI... liberty is a relatively new thing for them... my company was one of the last to not have it whatsoever... that was...depressing...

They will be able to see eachother in MOS school and they can move in with eachother when he gets to the fleet... in theory.. depends on the command etc... lots of variables... but they'll be makin a bunch of money for bein married...

And as the SSGT said above me... I hope his recruiter knows about this... that's a major issue that needs to come to light... and I know a guy that got in trouble for not telling the people at SOI that he got married on his boot leave..

[Marinestepmom]

Okay...now I am VERY confused. I am receiving very mixed information here. It's a given that she won't be able to see him or talk to him while he's in boot camp, but some of you have said that she would be able to visit him while he's in combat training and some of you have said she can't. Then some of you have said that she may not be able to see him while he's in MOS, depending on the location and type of training--but others have said that she will be able to move down to Virginia (where his MOS is) and live with him. (For the record, I believe his position will be in transportation logistics--handling paperwork for people moving in and out of the base.) Most of you have said that she will have to get a decent job because privates and PFCs don't make much money, but the last person (Yonkers) stated he'll make 'a bunch of money' for being married.

Will the real answer please stand up?

BTW--the wedding was this past Saturday. It was very hot and humid, especially for Michigan (outdoor wedding), it rained for a short time, lots of mosquitoes and biting flies, the ceremony started late, part of the food got sent somewhere else and it took about 1 1/2 hours to get it delivered to the correct address. The bride's parents wouldn't serve any of the rest of the food until the missing items arrived, and there weren't any hors d'oeuvres, so people were leaving due to no food. Someone peed on the seat of the porta-potty. The bride has gained at least 25 pounds since she bought her wedding dress, so it barely fit her. (She is not pregnant.)

I found out from talking to the bride that she and Nick actually started discussing marriage long before he put a ring on her finger. From the way she talks, it was less than a month after they met that they began discussing getting married.

My husband told me that Nick called him today to have my husband find a Social Security office for them so they could get her card changed. It's not that he doesn't know where to look for this information; he just wants someone else to do it for him. I really hope that the Marines will help him to grow up.

[Zulu 36]

Okay...now I am VERY confused. I am receiving very mixed information here. It's a given that she won't be able to see him or talk to him while he's in boot camp, but some of you have said that she would be able to visit him while he's in combat training and some of you have said she can't. Then some of you have said that she may not be able to see him while he's in MOS, depending on the location and type of training--but others have said that she will be able to move down to Virginia (where his MOS is) and live with him. (For the record, I believe his position will be in transportation logistics--handling paperwork for people moving in and out of the base.) Most of you have said that she will have to get a decent job because privates and PFCs don't make much money, but the last person (Yonkers) stated he'll make 'a bunch of money' for being married.

Will the real answer please stand up?

BTW--the wedding was this past Saturday. It was very hot and humid, especially for Michigan (outdoor wedding), it rained for a short time, lots of mosquitoes and biting flies, the ceremony started late, part of the food got sent somewhere else and it took about 1 1/2 hours to get it delivered to the correct address. The bride's parents wouldn't serve any of the rest of the food until the missing items arrived, and there weren't any hors d'oeuvres, so people were leaving due to no food. Someone peed on the seat of the porta-potty. The bride has gained at least 25 pounds since she bought her wedding dress, so it barely fit her. (She is not pregnant.)

I found out from talking to the bride that she and Nick actually started discussing marriage long before he put a ring on her finger. From the way she talks, it was less than a month after they met that they began discussing getting married.

My husband told me that Nick called him today to have my husband find a Social Security office for them so they could get her card changed. It's not that he doesn't know where to look for this information; he just wants someone else to do it for him. I really hope that the Marines will help him to grow up.

Liberty in MCT and MOS school is limited. Nick's true love should not count on being able to see him until he goes to his first PCS location except for boot leave. If she is able to see him in between, bonus. But I wouldn't count on it. Where is the travel money going to come from?

No, he won't make "a bunch" of money by being married. He will get certain allowances for housing and for subsistence. Neither are huge amounts of money. The subsistence allowance is for his food, not hers. If they live on base, they won't get the housing allowance in cash. They get quarters in lieu of the cash allowance.

This link takes you to the 2011 military pay rates: www.dfas.mil/dms/dfas/militarymembers/pdf/MilPayTable2011.pdf

This is the official military site on military pay.

Assuming he is a PFC (under 2 years service) he will make about $1,644/month gross. From this there is income tax and FICA withholding removed. He can expect about $750 per payday. Out of this he must pay for his haircuts, uniform cleaning, and any other odds and ends needed for military service.

Basic allowance for housing for an E-2 (tax free): $462/month (split 50/50 per payday).

Basic allowance for subsistence (tax free): $325/month (split 50/50 per payday). If he eats in the chow hall on base, he will have to pay for his meals since he is getting the cash allowance instead of rations in-kind.

So, he would roughly get about $1,090 gross per payday (if living off base). Out of this comes rent, food for two, clothing, utility payments, phone, Internet, car payments, car insurance, renter's insurance (highly recommended - go through USAA for all insurance), plus the aforementioned expenses to keep himself properly squared away and out of trouble. Note: if the rent of an off-base apartment exceeds his BAH, he has to cover the difference out of pocket.

On base quarters means no BAH allowance, but it also means no utility payments except for phone, Internet, and cable/sat TV.

You should plainly see, his wife will probably have to work at least part-time if they expect to have any luxuries and not be in debt. Nick will not make "bunches" of money because he is married. A lot of single Marines seem to think so, but they forget what those allowances have to be spent on. Nick does not want to be in debt either. The Marine Corps can (and will) make him take automatic deductions from his base pay to make payments to debt holders. So no brand new cars, big screen TVs, major stereo systems, etc, (unless the wife gets a really well paying job).

All of this assumes one big thing: he makes it through boot camp.

There are other things involved to being married in the military, which is why I always advise Marines to not get married before they make Sergeant. Money is just one of the reasons.

Also, should Nick get sent overseas on an unaccompanied tour for his first PCS, she can't go. He'll still get the BAH for her to use stateside, while he'll live in barracks. He'll probably lose his BAS since he lives in barracks and will be eating in the chow hall (this varies, but doesn't matter since BAS is for his food, not hers).

Nick will have to grow up or the Marine Corps will make his official life a living hell which will likely lead to his personal life becoming a living hell as well. Hope they don't have kids until he gets squared away - the divorce is cheaper without them.

[Marinestepmom]

Hello all--I said I would post after my stepson's wedding, so here goes...it's almost a month since they got married July 23rd. The wedding was interesting to say the least...94% humidity (unusual for Michigan), a brief shower, caterers screwed up and sent some of the food to another reception so dinner was about 1 1/2 hours late--and the bride's mother, who had this whole thing planned out even before we met her, had no hors d'oeuvres to offer anyone, so everyone was drinking but no food. Several people left. During the ceremony, the minister left out the part about anyone objecting to the union--since he is a friend of the bride's mother, I think this was deliberate. The bride has gained about 30 pounds since she ordered her dress in January, so it barely fit her. Other than acknowledging Nick's parents (including me) during the toast, none of the bride's family ever came over to speak with Nick's side. We are not in any of the wedding photos. As I stated earlier, I think this is all about getting bride on my stepson's insurance and support since parents can no longer write her off as a dependent on their taxes--never mind the fact that his insurance won't start until he graduates from boot camp and he already knows he won't make enough money to send much home to his new wife.

They didn't leave for their honeymoon until a week after the wedding. Nick signed his final papers on the Thursday before they left, and at that time, he was asked to report the following Monday. He told them he couldn't because he was leaving for his honeymoon on Saturday...so he somehow escaped entering earlier than his original date.

He has stated very adamantly that he does NOT want a going-away party. Nick has very little self-esteem and self-confidence (during the wedding, he walked up to the altar with his head down), and my husband and I think that the reason he doesn't want a party is because he feels that if he doesn't pass boot camp, he will have let a lot of people down and that they will have wasted a party on him. His 22nd birthday is this Monday, and his mom is having a small celebration (a few family members) for him. Nick made her promise that it is not a going-away party before he would agree to attend. So guess what comes next?? His new wife is planning back-to-back surprise going-away parties for him this next Friday. The earlier one is for family, and then the following one is for friends. I don't think she gets it that he DOES NOT want a party, and this is going to cause a huge fight--and he gets dropped off at the recruiter's 2 days later. What a lovely sendoff...and his new in-laws, who seemed so eager for their daughter to marry Nick, are going away for the weekend, so they won't even be there to say good-bye.

At the wedding rehearsal, her mom was saying how bride was going to be a basket case while Nick was at boot camp, but was saving her money so she could be with him every weekend while he was in combat training and MOS. Will she be able to do this?

Bride is already prohibiting him from doing things with his friends and basically telling him what he can and can't do. They have already had several fights and Nick says he can't wait to leave for boot camp. I think that the Marines are going to be a tough but tremendous experience for him and I can't wait to see how he'll grow and change. The discipline and structure are exactly what he needs and my gut instincts tell me that he'll do fine and that we will be very proud of him--but that his marriage won't survive.

I do have a question about his first deployment: I know that she can't go with him if he is sent to the Middle East, but what about elsewhere? I have heard both that she can and that she can't. He is going into a non-combat position--at least that's what his MOS is for.

Is it normal for me to not be worried about him?

[Lisa 23]

Sounds like there's trouble in paradise already.
The way you feel being worried and all about your stepson is normal.

She has to remember, he needs to get through boot camp first. Hopefully when she does write to him, they'll be upbeat letters, not ones putting him down. Last thing he would need during recruit training is to deal with a nagging wife writing letters of pitty to him....sorry, it does happen. As for her being able to see him during his MCT on weekends, I highly doubt that.....MOS school, maybe.

This young lady is in for one rude awakening. When he makes it through boot camp, everything will be done the Marine Corps way and on Marine Corps time, not hers. If she doesn't like it, oh well..........

When he does leave, please keep us all posted on his progress through recruit training.

[Zulu 36]

As I wrote in my previous post, liberty is restricted while in MCT and MOS schools. He won't get weeknight liberty for certain in MCT, and may not get much if any weekend liberty. It depends. If he, or his training company, screw something up, they may have liberty withheld. Yes, that is legal. Liberty is a privilege, not a right in the military.

As for his MOS school, he'll have to wait until he gets there to learn their policy.

All Marine Corps MOS' can end up in a combat zone and can end up getting shot at with rockets, mortars, small-arms, etc. Only the likelihood changes with location. An example, my oldest daughter was at Bagram, a very big base. She experienced a number of rocket attacks and one serious ground assault. Had the assault succeeded in getting through the perimeter, it was aimed right at the hospital she worked at.

If he goes overseas with unaccompanied orders, his wife cannot go with him.

This marriage does not sound like it's going to last very long at all. Advise him not to make any babies right away so his divorce will be cheaper.

[NCdad]

One thing my son brought back from Boot camp was the wisdom of the Drill instructors-- DO NOT GET MARRIED BEFORE OR AFTER BOOT- Sounds like a real Rocky start and the only winner is the Bride and her family - Your Stepson will be the looser if this marriage fails. The Drill Instructors warned of wives buying cars while Marines where on deployment and leaving them High and dry and in debt when they get home.

As far as her visiting during MCT and MOS probably not depending on liberty that is granted. Good Luck but I think it will take more than Luck to see this one through

Hello all--I said I would post after my stepson's wedding, so here goes...it's almost a month since they got married July 23rd. The wedding was interesting to say the least...94% humidity (unusual for Michigan), a brief shower, caterers screwed up and sent some of the food to another reception so dinner was about 1 1/2 hours late--and the bride's mother, who had this whole thing planned out even before we met her, had no hors d'oeuvres to offer anyone, so everyone was drinking but no food. Several people left. During the ceremony, the minister left out the part about anyone objecting to the union--since he is a friend of the bride's mother, I think this was deliberate. The bride has gained about 30 pounds since she ordered her dress in January, so it barely fit her. Other than acknowledging Nick's parents (including me) during the toast, none of the bride's family ever came over to speak with Nick's side. We are not in any of the wedding photos. As I stated earlier, I think this is all about getting bride on my stepson's insurance and support since parents can no longer write her off as a dependent on their taxes--never mind the fact that his insurance won't start until he graduates from boot camp and he already knows he won't make enough money to send much home to his new wife.

They didn't leave for their honeymoon until a week after the wedding. Nick signed his final papers on the Thursday before they left, and at that time, he was asked to report the following Monday. He told them he couldn't because he was leaving for his honeymoon on Saturday...so he somehow escaped entering earlier than his original date.

He has stated very adamantly that he does NOT want a going-away party. Nick has very little self-esteem and self-confidence (during the wedding, he walked up to the altar with his head down), and my husband and I think that the reason he doesn't want a party is because he feels that if he doesn't pass boot camp, he will have let a lot of people down and that they will have wasted a party on him. His 22nd birthday is this Monday, and his mom is having a small celebration (a few family members) for him. Nick made her promise that it is not a going-away party before he would agree to attend. So guess what comes next?? His new wife is planning back-to-back surprise going-away parties for him this next Friday. The earlier one is for family, and then the following one is for friends. I don't think she gets it that he DOES NOT want a party, and this is going to cause a huge fight--and he gets dropped off at the recruiter's 2 days later. What a lovely sendoff...and his new in-laws, who seemed so eager for their daughter to marry Nick, are going away for the weekend, so they won't even be there to say good-bye.

At the wedding rehearsal, her mom was saying how bride was going to be a basket case while Nick was at boot camp, but was saving her money so she could be with him every weekend while he was in combat training and MOS. Will she be able to do this?

Bride is already prohibiting him from doing things with his friends and basically telling him what he can and can't do. They have already had several fights and Nick says he can't wait to leave for boot camp. I think that the Marines are going to be a tough but tremendous experience for him and I can't wait to see how he'll grow and change. The discipline and structure are exactly what he needs and my gut instincts tell me that he'll do fine and that we will be very proud of him--but that his marriage won't survive.

I do have a question about his first deployment: I know that she can't go with him if he is sent to the Middle East, but what about elsewhere? I have heard both that she can and that she can't. He is going into a non-combat position--at least that's what his MOS is for.

Is it normal for me to not be worried about him?

[Marinestepmom]

My stepson Nick left for boot camp today...actually, we saw him off at the recruiter's and he was to stay in a hotel tonight in an undisclosed location. He flies to Atlanta tomorrow and then takes a bus to Parris Island. His 22nd birthday was this past Monday, and his wife gave him a 9-week-n Border Collie/Husky puppy. Nick loves dogs, but I was speechless for a few seconds when my husband told me. Her timing couldn't have been worse with him leaving less than a week later. Plus, she is still living at home and only working part-tine, and her mother said some time ago that she didn't want a dog in the house. They also don't have a fenced-in yard, and stepson's wife lacks the resources and knowledge to give this dog what it needs...so guess who will end up with it? I only hope it gets along well with our Golden Retriever.

Anyway, she had a going-away party for Nick this past Friday night which was originally supposed to be a surprise, but since he had been so adamant about NOT wanting a party, telling him about it was probably a wise thing. He seemed very excited and had already taken off his wedding ring. When we all gathered to say goodbye today, he was really eager to get going, but it was hard for his 19-year-old bride. Her mother is still under the impression that Jessica will be able to go down every weekend to visit Nick after he finishes boot camp and is in combat training and MOS.

Even though we are naturally concerned for Nick's safety, I think this is the best thing that could happen to him. He doesn't have much in the way of self-esteem or self-confidence, and has no direction, so this will hopefully provide him with discipline and clarity. I know he is going to grow and change tremendously during the next three months and I'm excited to see how he'll turn out.

I know we can't write him until we receive a postcard with his address...do the recruit

[Marinestepmom]

(sorry, computer acting up, didn't get to finish the post because computer decided to send it on its own)

To finish my question...are the letters we send to the recruits in boot camp screened before they're given to the recipients? I was just curious...

Another question: in your experience, how much does a person change during boot camp?

Thanks again to all of you for all of your support.

[Zulu 36]

(sorry, computer acting up, didn't get to finish the post because computer decided to send it on its own)

To finish my question...are the letters we send to the recruits in boot camp screened before they're given to the recipients? I was just curious...

Another question: in your experience, how much does a person change during boot camp?

Thanks again to all of you for all of your support.

No, mail to recruits is not opened except by the recruit. However, the Drill Instructors may require the recruit to open an envelope in their presence. DIs do feel the envelopes for objects (such as marijuana cigarettes, which some stupid people send to recruits occasionally). Something dumb like that does not go well for the recruit.

Also, if the DI suspects photos are inside, they will look at them first (after the recruit opens the envelope) as some stupid girlfriends/wives sometimes send pornographic pictures of themselves. Those are no-no's in boot camp and it also doesn't go well for the recruit (but not as bad as getting dope).

As far as change, it depends on the individual. Some don't change much, others change a lot. No telling. Those that can't adjust to the Marine Corps way of doing things get to go back to flipping burgers.

[MOS4429]

"He seemed very excited and had already taken off his wedding ring. When we all gathered to say goodbye today, he was really eager to get going, but it was hard for his 19-year-old bride."

It sounds as though you might want this marriage to fail, which probably would not be the best thing at this point for your concerns regarding "self-esteem or self-confidence, and has no direction, so this will hopefully provide him with discipline and clarity."

He MIGHT perceive that as a failure of himself.

[MOS4429]

(sorry, computer acting up, didn't get to finish the post because computer decided to send it on its own)

To finish my question...are the letters we send to the recruits in boot camp screened before they're given to the recipients? I was just curious...

Another question: in your experience, how much does a person change during boot camp?

Thanks again to all of you for all of your support.

Mail. Screen only for foreign substances and drugs. And it is correct, if a D.I. is suspicious, he will open it in front of him. I had to do this when a stupid friend of mine sent a piece of hard candy in an envelope knowing very well what would happen. My senior asked what I wanted to do with it. I told him shvit can it. He said eat it. I put it in my mouth and he said DONE? I told him no, sir. He changed his look and said, "DONE???" I swallowed it whole and said, "YES, SIR."

What can you expect? Changes vary. It would probably be best at this point to not put out a laundry list of expected changes, because he may not measure up to your expectations. Instead, I would recommend to support him, his new bride, when you write not to rant about the negatives of the marriage but always be positive, and then be pleasantly surprised on graduation day.

[Lisa 23]

Marinestepmom, be sure to keep us updated on your stepson Nick's progress through boot camp.
Write to him....lots! Letters are very important to recruits as they go through boot camp. Keep them positive, upbeat and encouraging!