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A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset
him.
So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and accidentally lets out a big fart.
She looked up and said, "Aww so sowwy, excuse prease, front hole so happy,
back hole laugh out loud .
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied: "A can of peaches".
The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was Hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6. The judge then said, "I will give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
He said, " What is it? "
The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."
Dallas Air Traffic Control: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on runway 9R. Allah be Praised!"
Dallas ATC: "Tower to Egypt Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Egypt Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on runway 9R. Allah is Great."
Pause: Static..............
Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC!!! DALLAS ATC!!!"
Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911"
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OF OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!
Dallas ATC: "Well bless your hearts... Y'all be careful now, ya hear"
A fellow who owned a general store went to Africa on safari for a vacation. While on safari, he heard two of the local guides talking about a talking monkey. The fellow thought, "Man, if I had that talking monkey, I could make a fortune! I could charge people to come in and see him, and they would just naturally buy other stuff while they were in the store".
So, he went into the darkest jungle and found the talking monkey. He finally traded several blankets and a few trinkets, and owned the talking monkey.
He took the monkey home, and as he didn't have a proper place for it ready, just put it in the store room in the back of his store for the time being. A friend of his came in, said he had heard about a talking monkey, and asked if he could have a look. The fellow said, "Sure. He's in the store room. Go back and see him".
So, the man went into the store room and found the monkey hunkered on top of a barrel of pickels. He said, "I hear you're a talking monkey". The monkey replied, "That's right. Some missionaries came over and taught me how to speak pretty good English. They also taught me to play a guitar and to sing some".
The man said, "That's really something!" He glanced down and said, "Say, do you know your balls are hanging in the pickel brine?"
The monkey replied, "No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll fake it".
A Texas farmer vacationing in Australia meets an Aussie farmer, who shows the Texan his wheat field.
“Oh, we’ve got wheat fields twice as large back home,” boasts the Texan.
They walk to another field, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle.
“Oh, we have longhorns that are twice as big,” says the braggart.
A little while later, the Texan spots a couple of kangaroos hopping across a field. “What the hell are those?” he asks.
“What?” says the Aussie. “Aintcha got grasshoppers in Texas?”
A man is talking to his shrink. He tells the shrink he thinks his marriage is in trouble. The shrink asks, “What seems to be the problem?”
The man tells him, “My wife and I made a deal when we got married 20 years ago that we would only smoke after sex. I have had the same pack of cigarettes since.”
The shrink informs the man that it’s natural for sex to slow down after marriage. The man replies, “Yeah, but my wife smokes three packs a day.”
A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any money. But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother".
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect). "Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
"Well then, just follow me", said the man as he walked toward the next room. The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
"Come in and close the door" the man said.
She did. He then said "Now get on your knees."
She did. "Now take down my zipper".
She did. "Now go ahead ... take it out...." he said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered "Well............ go ahead".
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said...........
"Hello. Mom, can you hear me?"
A woman from Los Angeles, who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter,
purchased a piece of timberland. There was a large tree on one of the
highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor
of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top,
she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape,
the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her
crotch.
In considerable pain, she hurried to the nearest doctor. She told him she
was an environmentalist and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the
splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then
told her to go into the examining room and he would see if he could help
her.
She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry
woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and than told her,
"Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the
Forest Service and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove
old-growth timber from a recreational area. I'm sorry, but they turned me
down."
Shortly before Rose Kennedy passed away, she was having tea with neighbors when, out of the blue, she asked, "I wonder how Jackie's doing?"
"Rose," a neighbor said gently, "Jackie died some time ago."
"Oh, no!" Rose cried.
"Was Teddy driving?"
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v7...ybreakfast.jpg
The Italian says,"When I've a finished a makina da love withah my wife,
I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches
above a da bed in exstacy."
The Frenchman replies,"zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love
with ze wife, Ah kiss all ze way down her body, and zen Ah lick za soles
of her feet wiz mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in
pure ecstasy."
The redneck says, "That aint nothing. When I've finished porkin the ole
lady, I git out of bed, walk over to the winder and wipe my weener on
the curtains.She hits the freakin' ceiling."
:banana:
Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby
of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the
old lady, "I know just what you're wanting. For $5.00 I'll have s*x with
you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa
over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles,
and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging
down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.
"Get serious", she replies. "Four times in the rocking chair."
An Application for a Wal-Mart Job
Chron Watch ^ | 12/29/05
Job application that a 75-year-old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas. They hired him because he was so funny:
NAME: George Martin
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman, (or at least, one who'll cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and Post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job--no. On my breaks--yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy, dumb, sexy, blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh, yes, absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Sagittarius.
A man, returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport.
It was after midnight.
While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act.
For $100, the cabby agreed.
Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom.
The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.
The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.
The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for your season Green Bay Packer Tickets. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!
Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun.
He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?
The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
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Planning for the fall football season in the South is radically different than up North.
For those who are planning a football trip South, here are some helpful hints.
Women's Accessories
NORTH: Chapstick in back pocket and a $20 bill in the front pocket.
SOUTH: Louis Vuitton duffel with two lipsticks, waterproof mascara, and a fifth of bourbon. Money not necessary - that's what dates are for.
Stadium Size
NORTH: College football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
SOUTH: High school football stadiums hold 20,000 people.
Fathers
NORTH: Expect their daughters to understand Sylvia Plath.
SOUTH: Expect their daughters to understand pass interference.
Campus Decor
NORTH: Statues of founding fathers.
SOUTH: Statues of Heisman trophy winners.
Homecoming Queen
NORTH: Also a physics major.
SOUTH: Also Miss America.
Heroes
NORTH: Rudy Giuliani
SOUTH: Archie & Peyton Manning
Getting Tickets
NORTH: 5 days before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and purchase tickets.
SOUTH: 5 months before the game you walk into the ticket office on campus and put name on waiting list for tickets.
Friday Classes After a Thursday Night Game
NORTH: Students and teachers not sure they're going to the game, because they have classes on Friday.
SOUTH: Teachers cancel Friday classes because they don't want to see the few hung over students that might actually make it to class.
Parking
NORTH: An hour before game time, the University opens the campus for game parking.
SOUTH: RVs sporting their school flags begin arriving on Wednesday for the weekend festivities. The really faithful arrive on Tuesday.
Game Day
NORTH: A few students party in the dorm and watch ESPN on TV.
SOUTH: Every student wakes up, has a beer for breakfast, and rushes over to where ESPN is broadcasting "Game Day Live" to get on camera and wave to the idiots up north who wonder why "Game Day Live" is never broadcast from their campus.
Tailgating:NORTH: Raw meat on a grill, beer with lime in it, listening to local radio station with truck tailgate down.
SOUTH: 30-foot custom pig-shaped smoker fires up at dawn. Cooking accompanied by live performance by "Dave Matthews' Band," who come over during breaks and ask for a hit off bottle of bourbon.
Getting to the Stadium
NORTH: You ask "Where's the stadium?" When you find it, you walk right in.
SOUTH: When you're near it, you'll hear it. On game day it becomes the state's third largest city.
Concessions
NORTH: Drinks served in a paper cup, filled to the top with soda.
SOUTH: Drinks served in a plastic cup, with the home team's mascot on it, filled less than half way with soda, to ensure enough room for bourbon.
When National Anthem is Played
NORTH! : Stands are less than half full, and less than half of them stand up.
SOUTH: 100,000 fans, all standing, sing along in perfect four-part harmony.
The Smell in the Air After the First Score
NORTH: Nothing changes.
SOUTH: Fireworks, with a touch of bourbon.
Commentary (Male)
NORTH: "Nice play."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sum***** - tackle him and break his legs."
Commentary (Female)
NORTH: "My, this certainly is a violent sport."
SOUTH: "Dammit, you slow sum***** - tackle him and break his legs."
Announcers
NORTH: Neutral and paid.
SOUTH: Announcer harmonizes with the crowd in the fight song, with a tear in his eye because he is so proud of his team.
After the Game
NORTH: The stadium is empty way before the game ends.
SOUTH: Another rack of ribs goes on the smoker, while somebody goes to the nearest package store for more bourbon, and planning begins for next week's game.
Nothing else in the universe comes even halfway close to the glories of Southern football!!!
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To all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.
Extra thanks for the ones that I have to open 15 times to get to the message.
Special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes 'cause I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.
Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer drink Pepsi, or Dr Pepper, since the people who make these products are atheists who won't put "Under God" on their cans.
I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.
I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages by UPS, or FedEx, since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.
I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
I no longer eat KFC, because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.
I no longer have any sneakers -- but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.
I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus, since I now have their recipe.
I no longer worry about my soul, because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.
Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
I no longer have any savings, because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time)
I no longer have any money at all - but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.
Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM (MST) this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of mine's next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
Have a very HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Semper Fi,
Allan 'Big Al' Holmes
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