Actual Newspaper Headlines.
GATORS TO FACE SEMINOLES WITH PETERS OUT
The Tallahassee Bugle
MESSIAH CLIMAXES IN CHORUS OF HALLELUJAHS
The Anchorage Alaska Times
THANKS TO PRESIDENT CLINTON, STAFF SGT. FRUER NOW HAS A SON
The Arkansas Plainsman
CLINTON PLACES DICKEY IN GORE'S HANDS
Bangor Maine News
CLINTON STIFF ON WITHDRAWAL
The Bosnia Bugle
ORGAN FESTIVAL ENDS IN SMASHING CLIMAX
San Antonio Rose
PETROLEUM JELLY KEEPS IDLE TOOLS RUST-FREE
Chicago Daily News
TEXTRON INC. MAKES OFFER TO SCREW COMPANY STOCKHOLDERS
The Miami Herald
MARRIED PRIESTS IN CATHOLIC CHURCH A LONG TIME COMING
The New Haven Connecticut Register
GOVERNOR CHILES OFFERS RARE OPPORTUNITY TO GOOSE HUNTERS
The Tallahassee Democrat
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says: "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field."
"You must be an NCO," says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says "you must be an Officer."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."
A major is walking down the street when he notices a little boy playing with a pile of crap. The major stops and asks the boy why he is playing with the pile of crap. The boy replies, “I’m making an NCO!.”
The major begins laughing when a colonel approaches him and asks what is so funny. The major points to the boy and starts laughing hysterically. The colonel then asks the boy what he is doing, the boy replies, “I’m making an NCO!”
The major and the colonel are now laughing when a general approaches the two. They point to the boy and the general asks the boy what is he doing. The boy again replies, “I’m making an NCO!”
All three officers are laughing when the Sergeant Major of the Marine Corps approaches and asks what is so funny. All three officers point to the boy laughing even harder then before when the Sergeant Major asks the boy what he was doing. Again the boy reply’s “I’m making an NCO!”
Now all three officers are laughing hysterically when the Sergeant Major asks the boy why is he making an NCO. The boy replies, “Because I don’t have enough crap to make an officer!”
Of all the Services, the Air Force has the most intelligent enlisted people. This is not just theory, it's provable fact:
Take the Army, for instance. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Army private wakes up from a bellow from the First Sergeant. He grabs a set of BDUs out of his foot locker, gets dressed, runs down to the chow-hall for a breakfast on the run, then jumps in his tank. Pretty soon, the Platoon Commander arrives, gives him a big salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, men."
Now take the Marines. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Marine recruit is kicked out of bed by his First Sergeant, puts on a muddy set of BDUs because he just got back in from the field three hours before. He gets no breakfast, but is told to feel free to chew on his boots. He runs out and forms up with his rifle. Pretty soon, his platoon commander comes out, a Captain, gives his Marines a sharp salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Marines!"
Now take the Navy. When the stuff hits the fan, the young Sailor is eating breakfast in the mess room.. He walks 20 feet to his battle station, stuffing extra pastries in his pocket as he goes. There he sits, in the middle of a steel target, with nowhere to run, when the Captain comes on the 1MC and says, "Give 'em Hell, Sailors! I salute you!"
Now the Air Force. When the stuff hits the fan, the Airman receives a phone call in his off-base quarters. He gets up, showers, shaves, and puts on a uniform he had just picked up from the BX cleaners the day before. He jumps in his car, and stops at McDonalds for a McMuffin on his way into work. Once he arrives at work, he signs in on the duty roster and proceeds to his F-16. He spends 30 minutes pre-flighting it, signs off the forms. Pretty soon the Pilot, a young captain gets out and straps into the Plane. He starts the engines. Our Young Airman stands at attention, gives the Captain a sharp salute, and says, "Give 'em Hell, Sir!"
A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife so
he went to a psychiatrist.
The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem, and so
gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home. He had
finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing
a finger in her face, he said, "From now on, I want you to know that I
am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare
me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I'm finished eating my meal, I
expect a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you're
going to draw me my bath so I can relax. And when I'm finished
with my bath, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair ...."
"The funeral director," said his wife.
couple attending an art exhibition at the
> > > > National Gallery were staring at
> > > > a portrait that had them completely confused. The
> > > > painting depicted three
> > > > very black and totally naked men sitting on a
> > > > bench. Two of the figures had
> > > > black penises, but the one in the middle had a
> > > > pink penis.
> > > > The curator of the gallery realized that they were
> > > > having trouble
> > > > interpreting the painting and offered his
> > > > assessment. He went on for nearly
> > > > half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual
> > > > emasculation of
> > > > African-Americans in a predominately white,
> > > > patriarchal society.
> > > >
> > > > "In fact," he pointed out, "some serious critics
> > > > believe that the pink penis
> > > > also reflects the cultural and sociological
> > > > oppression experienced by gay
> > > > men in contemporary society."
> > > >
> > > > After the curator left, a Scottish man approached
> > > > the couple and said,
> > > > "Would you like to know what the painting is
> > > > really about? "
> > > >
> > > > "Now why would you claim to be more of an expert
> > > > than the curator of the
> > > >
> > > > gallery?" asked the couple.
> > > >
> > > > "Because I'm the guy who painted it," he replied.
> > > > "In fact, there are no
> > > >
> > > > African-Americans depicted at all. They're just
> > > > three Scottish coal-miners.
> > > > The only difference is, the guy in the middle went
> > > > home for lunch."
> > > >
A True Blonde
Is this a true blonde or what!!
"Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?"
"Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
"What sort of trouble?"
"Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared."
"Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing."
"Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
"Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"
"How do I tell?"
Uh-oh. Well, let's give it a try anyway. "Can you see the C:prompt on the screen?"
"What's a sea-prompt?"
Uh-huh, thought so. Let's try a different approach. "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"
"There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Ah--at least she knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if she's kicked out her monitor's
power plug. "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"
"What's a monitor?"
"It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"
"I don't know."
"Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?
" A sound of rustling and jostling, and a muffled "Yes, I think so."
"Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged in."
Pause. "Yes, it is." Hmm.
Well, that's interesting. I doubt she would have accidentally turned it off, and I don't want to send her hunting for the
power switch because I don't know what kind of monitor she has and it's bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe
the video cable is loose or something.
"When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"
"Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.
" Muffled, "Okay, here it is."
"Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.
" Still muffled, "I can't reach."
"Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"
Clear again. "No."
"Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"
"Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle--it's because it's dark."
"Yes--the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
"Well, turn on the office light then."
"No? Why not?"
"Because there's a power outage.
" A power--!?! ...AAAAAAARGH! "A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"
"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
"Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store
you bought it from."
"Really? Is it that bad?"
"Yes, I'm afraid it is."
"Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"
"Tell them you're TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!" slam!
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping."
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Fritos: "You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special.)
On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(But it's just a suggestion.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down."
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating."
(As night follows the day)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save even more time?)
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head colds
off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope.)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts."
(Talk about a news Flash.)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: Fly Delta.)
On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Was there a spate of this happening somewhere?)
THUS ENDS ANOTHER SAGA IN THE WORLD OF ADVERTISING PROOF READING.
THE REASONS WHY MEN SHOULD BE PROUD OF THEMSELVES
*Phone Conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
*You know stuff about tanks.
*A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
*You can open all your own jars.
*Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.
*You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
*You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.
*You can leave the motel bed unmade.
*You can kill your own food.
*You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
*Wedding plans take care of themselves.
*If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be friends.
*Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
*If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
*Everything on your face stays its original color.
*You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.
*Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
*You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.
*Car mechanics tell you the truth.
*You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without thinking: "He must be mad at me."
*Gray hair and wrinkles only add character.
*Wedding dress -- $2,000. Tuxedo rental -- 75 bucks.
*You don't mooch off other's desserts.
*You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.
*If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.
*Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with, "So, notice anything different?"
*You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.
*You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
*You almost never have strap problems in public.
* You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
*The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
*You don't have to shave below your neck.
*At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.
*Your belly usually hides your big hips.
*One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
*You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
*You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
*Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.
*Learn How To Talk Southern*
Tips for Northerners Visiting or Moving to the Southern States:
If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles:
*If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a 12 pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
*Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.
*Remember, "ya'll" is singular, "all ya'll" is plural, and "all ya'll's" is plural possessive.
*Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
*You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Ya'll oughta not do that! and is the equivalent of saying "No!"
*Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying. They can't understand you either.
*The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," as in "big'ol truck" or "big'ol boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.
*The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
*Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here.
*If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, ya'll, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
*If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
*When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.
*Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns and are proficient marksmen. Or that their mammas taught them how to aim.
*In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush, green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
*If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.
A man decides to try horseback riding, even though he has had no lessons or prior experience. He mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the man begins
to slip from the saddle. In terror, he grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. He tries to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up his frail grip, he leaps away from the horse to try and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately,
his foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and he is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves, as his head is struck against the ground again and again. As his head is battered against the ground, he is mere moments away from unconsciousness when..... the Wal-Mart manager runs out to shut the horse off.
A PILOT'S TALE......
The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot.
They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to
get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some
amusement that we listened to the following exchange between
Frankfurt ground and a British Airways flight (radio call Speedbird 206)
Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the
Ground: "Guten morgan, taxi to your gate."
The British Airways plane pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location
Ground (with typical German impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you
never flown to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop".
Roger, Roger, yur killing me, dont stop, dont stop, im going to save that one, how do you find this stuff, more, more.
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention
> > Deficit Disorder.
> > This is how it manifests:
> > I decided to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice
> > there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail
> > I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk
> > in the trashcan under the table, and notice that the trashcan is
> > So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the
> > first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox
> > take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
> > I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one
> > left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my
> > where I find the bottle of soda that I had been drinking. I'm going
> > look for my checks, but first I need to push the soda aside so that
> > don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the soda is getting
> > and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
> > head toward the kitchen with the soda, a vase of flowers on the
> > catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the soda down on the
> > counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching
> > all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first
> > going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the
> > fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote.
> > left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to
> > TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember
> > it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den
> > it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I splash some water
> > flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote
> > down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I
> > down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
> > At the end of the day: the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid,
> > there is a warm bottle of soda sitting on the counter, the flowers
> > aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I
> > find the remote, I can't find my glasses, and I don't remember what
> > did with the car keys.
> > Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm
> > baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really
> > realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help
> > but first I'll check my e-mail.
> > Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know,
> > because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.
Ever wonder why golf is growing in popularity by people who
> > > play,
> > > > go to tournaments, or watch it on TV? These truisms may shed
> > > > reasons why.
> > > >
> > > > Golf is an honorable game, with the overwhelming majority of
> > being
> > > > honorable people who don't need referees.
> > > >
> > > > Golfers don't have some of their players in jail every week.
> > > >
> > > > Golfers don't scratch their privates on the golf course.
> > > >
> > > > Golfers don't kick dirt on, or throw bottles at, other people.
> > > >
> > > > Professional golfers are compensated in direct proportion to
> > they
> > > > play. (My favorite)
> > > >
> > > > Golfers don't get per diem and two seats on a charter flight
> > > > travel between tournaments.
> > > >
> > > > Golfers don't hold out for more money, or demand new contracts,
> > > > of another player's deal.
> > > >
> > > > Professional Golfers don't demand that the taxpayers pay for
> > > > on which they play.
> > > >
> > > > When golfers make a mistake, nobody is there to cover for them
> > > > them up.
> > > >
> > > > The PGA Tour raises more money for charity in one year than the
> > > > Football League does in two.
> > > >
> > > > You can watch the best golfers in the world up close, at any
> > > > including the majors, all day, every day for $25 or $30. The
> > > > seat in the nosebleed section at the Super Bowl will cost
> > > > more.
> > > >
> > > > You can bring a picnic lunch to the tournament golf course,
> > > > best in the world and not spend a small fortune on food and
> > > that
> > > > at one of the taxpayer funded baseball or football stadiums.
> > > >
> > > > In golf you cannot fail 70% of the time and make $9 million a
> > like
> > > > the best baseball hitters (300 batting average) do.
> > > >
> > > > Golf doesn't change its rules to attract Fans.
> > > >
> > > > Golfers have to adapt to an entirely new playing area each
> > > >
> > > > Golfers keep their clothes on while they are being interviewed.
> > > >
> > > > Golf! doesn't have free agency.
> > > >
> > > > In their prime, Greg Norman, Arnold Palmer and other stars,
> > > your
> > > > hand and say they were happy to meet you. In his prime Jose
> > > > T-shirts that read "Leave Me Alone."
> > > >
> > > > You can hear birds chirping on the golf course during a
> > > >
> > > > At a golf tournament, (unlike at taxpayer-funded sports
> > > > arenas) you won't hear a steady stream of four letter words and
> > name
> > > > calling while you're hoping that no one spills beer on you.
> > > >
> > > > Tiger Woods can hit a golf ball three times as far as Barry
> > > > hit a baseball.
> > > >
> > > > Golf Courses don't ruin the neighborhood.
> > > > __________________________________________________ ____
> > > >
> > > > This is a slice of golf history you might enjoy. Why do
> > > > courses have 18 holes, and not 20, or 10 or an even dozen? How
> > > > you golfers know the answer to this one?
> > > >
> > > > During a discussion among the club's membership board at St.
> > > > 1858, one of the members pointed out that it takes exactly 18
> > > > polish off a fifth of Scotch. By limiting himself to only one
> > > > Scotch per hole, the Scot figured a round of golf was finished
> > > > Scotch
> > > > ran out.
> > > >
> > > > Now you know.
> > > >