Under the premise, "If you tell a lie often enough, and loud enough, and with enough feeling" the lie will be believed. In that case, These are the rules a woman should follow when looking for a man:
WHAT EVERY GIRL SHOULD KNOW:
Unfortunately, many men who seem attractive on the surface are actually strongly homosexual, often without even knowing it. Men with lean waists, overdeveloped chests, arms and clean skin are actually unconsciously obsessed by male bodies. You should stay far away from men who are athletes or rock stars, and men who feel compelled to dress in fancy suits with clean shirts and polished shoes. These "men" often have a compulsion to spend money on sumptuous meals, taxicabs, and expensive trinkets to compensate for their affliction.
Experienced, self-confident lovers, the kind you want, don't need to alter the natural contours of their bodies. They are content with slender arms, relaxed chests, and waists with a comfortable amount of flesh, which can come in handy during moments of intimacy (why do you think they call them "love handles"?)
One other tip: Married men can be depended on not to cause embarrassing rumors about you at home or school. Men on short business trips are discreet, grateful, and particularly driven by passion. Look for them!
HOW "BIG" SHOULD A MAN BE?
Don't be shy. It's an important question, and one surrounded by confusion. The average man's penis is 2 1/2 to 3 inches long. Men substantially larger than this must often undergo painful surgery to cure their condition. In thickness, the average man is slightly larger than a ball-point pen.
HOW "LONG" SHOULD A MAN LAST?
Some men can prolong the sex act beyond the once-imponderable thirty-second barrier; intercourse with an experienced man can go for up to forty-five seconds. Once in a long while, you'll find a man who can "last" as long as a minute. Whatever you do, don't let your girlfriends know you've landed one of these desirable "sixty second wonders."
HOW DO I KNOW IF I'M HAVING AN ORGASM?
The female orgasm is a sensation that's very hard to put into words, but most fulfilled, experienced women agree that it "feels like something inside of you." When a man's penis is inside your vagina, or mouth or buttocks, that is an orgasm. You'll find a really skilled lover applies the same techniques to love as a gourmet does to a meal; he "leaves a little something on your plate." When, after intercourse, you feel a vague sensation that there could be "more to come," that "vaguely unsatisfied" feeling," then you can be sure you've experienced a sexually memorable adventure.
WHAT IS A MULTIPLE ORGASM?
There is no such thing!!!
WHAT ABOUT ORAL SEX?
This is one of the most significant differences between the sexes. If you look at pictures of a man and a woman, you'll see that a man's penis fits naturally into a woman's mouth. On the other hand, a man's mouth does not naturally fit into a woman's vagina. Thus, a woman orally stimulating a man is performing a "natural" act. But a man seeking to put his mouth on or near your vagina is committing an "unnatural" act (why do you think they call the vagina your "private parts"?)
WHAT IS AFTERPLAY?
Men have ways of expressing their satisfaction. His satisfied sigh, followed by a deep, consuming sleep, is a sure sign that he, and you are "GIB." Another example of male "afterplay" is his turning on a football or basketball game immediately after climax. Many women find a particularly satisfying postcoital experience in going into the kitchen and bringing a nice, cold beer for the man, along with a light snack, sandwich, potato chips and dip, to help her love put back depleted calories.
WHAT IS IMPOTENCE?
Impotence is what happens when a girl fails to stimulate her man
properly. This can happen when her figure is not perfect, or when she tries to talk with him for too long before getting into bed with him. If this happens, you can help by turning on a sports event on TV or getting your man a sandwich. Another really good "foreplay" technique is to invite a really good-looking girlfriend over, and do whatever is asked of you, to him or to each other, while he watches and jumps in intermitantly.
HOW CAN I KEEP THE MYSTERY ALIVE?
One good way to keep things from becoming routine is to vary your dress. Garter belts, black mesh stocking, leather or rubber suits will all help get your man's attention. Also, don't keep playing "one on one." Invite your more attractive and energetic girlfriends over to take part. Another technique, and we think the best, is to use anonymous names. Have your lover call himself "Mr. Smith." Don't let him tell you where he lives, or his home telephone number. You'll find it lends an air of real "mystery" to the affair.
HOW CAN I MEET REAL MEN?
When looking for the ideal man, about twenty-five to fifty, married, on a business trip, with enough flab to assure you of his masculinity, just go to a 'local bar' about 8:30 at night. Look around the bar, then, when you've found your man, unbutton the top three or four buttons on your blouse, wink at him, walk over and whisper in his ear, "You're cute, can I buy you a drink?" This is a real conversation icebreaker and things will naturally progress from here.
SOME OTHER IMPORTANT QUESTIONS:
Q: "If I get pregnant, how do I know who the father is?"
A: There is absolutely no way to tell!!!
Q: "What's the best way to keep my teeth and skin looking healthy and shiny?"
A: One of the best and most frequently neglected substances is semen. The more you can somehow get on your teeth and skin, the better you'll look.
Q: "What are some "loving nicknames" we can use?"
A: You should always call him, "Mr. Smith." You can also call him, "King Kong," "Master," or "stud." Men often call their favorite lovers, "Hey you" or "Uh, Miss?"
Q: "Where should a man take me?"
A: Because so many homosexual men like to take their "dates" out for fancy meals, look for the man who will send you out to KFC or McDonalds for a snack. That means his mind is not on food, so you know what he's thinking about.
Q: "What happens if he doesn't call?"
A: He may be trying to keep the romance alive; go out every few weeks to your 'local' and look to see if he's come back. If he doesn't, find another person who sort of looks like him and maybe writes or works for a humor magazine, then try the "Can I buy you a drink?" technique with him. You may find you've met a new, exciting lover.
Now, the object of this campaign is to keep repeating these truisms as often and as loud as you possibly can, to anybody you meet that will listen to you! After a brief period of time, they will all be gospel. Good places to start are at Peace Rallies and Left Wing Liberal Conventions. They'll believe anything you tell them!
Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin when she met up with Father Rafferty.
The Father said, "Top o' the mornin' to ye!
Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer husband two years ago?"
She replied,"Aye, that ye did, Father."
The Father asked, "And be there any wee
She replied, "No, not yet, Father."
The Father said, "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer husband."
She replied, "Oh, thank ye, Father." They parted ways.
Some years later,they met again.
The Father asked, "Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these
She replied, "Oh, very well Father." The Father asked, "And tell me, have ye any wee ones yet?"
She replied, "Oh, yes Father. Three sets of twins and
four singles, 10 in all." The Father said, "Glory be! That's wonderful!
How is yer loving husband doing?" She replied, "E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin'candle!":banana:
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two
drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm
on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."
The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink.
In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like
to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy
you one, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two
drops of water."
"Coming! right up," the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why
the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to
hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue."
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning, they went to the beach, dressed in their "tourist" garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when a gorgeous blonde in a tiny bikini came walking straight towards them. They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, smiled and said, "Good morning Father," "Good morning Father," nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests? The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits -- so loud, you could hear them before you even saw them -- and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a while, the same gorgeous bikini-ed blonde came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.) Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: "Good morning, Father," "Good morning Father," and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn't stand it and said, "Just a minute young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?"
"Oh Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angelica."
At her father's wake, a woman told her priest that ever since she
was a child she and her father had discussed life after death.
They had agreed that whoever went first would contact the other. They had discussed this again just two weeks before his death.
He died in her home and, a few days after the wake, the smoke alarmin her garage went off.
She had lived there 28 years and it had never gone
She couldn't turn it off, so she called the security company that
installed it. The next morning the smoke alarm sounded again... and the reason finally dawned on her.
She said aloud, "Ok Dad, I missed the signal yesterday, but I get
Thanks for letting me know that you are safe on the other side.
Now turn the thing off so I don't have to call the security company again." And it turned off.
She immediately called her priest to tell him the good news. His
response was, "Dear lady, if every time your father sends you a message, he sets off the smoke alarm, just where do you think he's calling from?":banana:
Paolo Piaia walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store.
Each day he stops and looks in the window and admires a certain pair of Bocceli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much it's all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves the $300 for the shoes and purchases them.
Every Friday night the Italian community gets together at a dance at the Veneto Club, so Paolo seizes the opportunity to wear his new Bocceli leather shoes to the dance. He asks Sophia to dance, and as they dance he asks her, "Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?"
Sophia, startled, says, "Yes, Paolo, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?"
Paolo replies," I see the reflection in my new $300 Bocceli! leather shoes. How do you like them?"
The following week he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he says to her, "Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?"
Rosa answers, "Yes, Paolo , I do, but how do you know that?"
He answers, "I see the reflection in my new $300 Bocceli leather shoes.
How do you like them?"
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Paolo asks Carmella to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red. He says, Carmella, stilla my heart, pleasa tella me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me thisa be true!"
Carmella smiles coyly and answers, "Yes Paolo, I wear no panties tonight."
Paolo gasps and says "Thanka God .. I thought I had a crack in my new $300 Bocceli leather shoes."
To do my bit while Ed is incapacitated:
One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news," God said.
Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that when I created you, I only gave you enough blood to operate these organs one at a time."
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky was maintaining a candlelight vigil
by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale
lips began to move slightly.
Becky my darling," he whispered.
Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have
something that I must confess."
There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky.
"Everything's all right. Go to sleep."
No, No. I must die in peace. Becky, I slept with your sister,
your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"
I know, sweetheart," whispered Becky, "let the poison work.":banana:
A minister dies and, resplendent in his clerical collar and colorful robes, waits in line at the Pearly Gates. Just ahead of him is a guy dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Green, taxi-driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi-driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff, and enter into the Kingdom."
So the taxi-driver enters Heaven with his robe and staff, and the minister is next in line. Without being asked, he proclaims, "I am Michael O'Connor, head pastor of Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list and says, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the preacher, "that man was a taxi-driver, and you issued him a silken robe and golden staff. But I get wood and cotton. How can this be?"
"Up here, we go by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept -- while he drove, people prayed."
A man goes into an adult entertainment shop and asks the assistant for an inflatable doll. "Would you like male of female?" "Female, please." "Would you like Black, or White?" "White, please." "Would you like Christian or Muslim?" This question confused the man . . . and he replied, "What has the religion got to do with it? It's an inflatable doll!" "Well," explained the assistant, "The Muslim one blows itself up!"
Down south, Bubba called his attorney and ask, "Is it true they's suing' them cigarette companies fer causin' people to git cancer?"
"Yes Bubba, sure is true," responder the lawyer
"And now someone is suing' them fast food restaurants fer making' them fat an' clogging their arteries with all them burgers an' fries, "is that true Mista Layer?"
"Sure is Bubba"
"And that lady sued McDonald's for millions when she was gave that hot coffee she ordered?"
"And that football player sued that university when he grageated and still couldn't read?"
"That's right" said the lawyer, "But why are you asking?"
"Well I was thinkin'...."What I want to know is , kin I sue Budweiser for all them ugly women I slept with?"
A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant.
Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?"she asked.
He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses."
Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you".
Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER.
The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest.
So the wife picked up the card and read, "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti,
Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."
When little Reggie was inducted into the Army, he was advised to act tough.
"That's the only way to command respect in the Army," his friends said.
So Reggie did his best to carry out the advice. He swaggered all around camp, bragging, blustering and talking out of the corner of his mouth.
"SHOW ME A SERGEANT AND I'LL SHOW YOU A DOPE," Reggie shouted.
No sooner had he spoken than a giant battle-hardened figure appeared.
"I'M A SERGEANT!" he bellowed.
"...and I am a dope," whispered Reggie.
In France, the young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is reserved for the Pastor and his housekeeper. One day the pastor invited his new young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory.
While being served, the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and down deep in his heart he wondered if there was more between the pastor and the housekeeper.
After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that everything was purely professional...that she was the housekeeper and cook and that was that.
About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been able to find the beautiful silver gravy laddle. You don't suppose he took it, do you?"
The Pastor said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter." So he sat down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying you did take the gravy laddle and I'm not saying you did not take the gravy laddle. But the fact remains that it has been missing since you were here for dinner."
The young assistant received the letter, and he answered it as follows: "Dear Father Pastor, I'm not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept in your own bed you would find the gravy laddle."
In keeping of the Marine tradition of standing in for a fallen Marine when he has become disabled for one reason or another, as Ed Palmer so loved this section, I will continue with the jokes until Ed is able to astound us with his wit again.
A pair of Irish ditch diggers were repairing some road side damage directly across the street from a house of ill repute when they witnessed a Protestant Reverend lurking about and then ducking into the house.
"Would ya look at that Darby!" said Pat. "What a shameful disgrace, those Protestant Reverends sinning in a house the likes of that place!" They both shook their heads in disgust and continued their work.
A short time later they watched as a Jewish Rabbi looked around himself cautiously and then darted into the house when he was satisfied no one had spied him.
"Did ya see that Darby?" Pat asked the other in shock and disbelief. "Is nothing holy to those Jewish people? I just can't understand what the world is coming to these days. A man of the cloth indulging himself in sins of the flesh. 'Tis a shame, I tell ya!"
Not long had passed when they saw a third man, a Catholic Priest, lurking about the house looking around to see if any one was watching and then quietly sneaking in the door.
"Oh no, Darby look!" Said Pat removing his cap. "One of the poor girls musta died!!"