Work Or Play?
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. He asks a priest for his opinion on this question. The priest says after consulting the Bible," My son, after an exhaustive search I am positive sex is work and is not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks, "What does a priest know of sex?" He goes to minister, a married man, experienced, for the answer. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. A Rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question and states," My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies," Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it!"
What A Party
During a wild party at a Long Island country house, Ivonne had too much to drink and strolled outside for some air. Getting to a grassy field, she lay down to watch the stars. Ivonne was almost asleep when a cow, searching for clover, was carefully stepping over her.
Groggily, she raised her head and said, "One at a time, boys..... ....one at a time."
Bet Your Wife
A very old couple book a honeymoon suite in a five-star hotel to celebrate their 50th marriage anniversary.
The bell boy while taking their luggage to the suite thinks to himself, "At this age, they are booking a suite. What a waste!"
After leaving them in their room with a very heavy tip he decides to spy on them. At night, he sits in the lobby opposite their room. And what does he hear? Laughing and clapping sounds from their room. All night long.
He could not believe his ears. In the morning, he apologized to the husband for having spied on them, but being very inquisitive, he asks him how can he do what he did at this age.
The husband replied, "See it is this way. First, I remove my clothes. Then I lie down on the bed face up. Then my wife removes her clothes. Then..." The bell boy leans into the old man and says, "Then what, WHAT?"
The old husband smiles and says, "Then my wife lifts up my penis with one hand, and then we make a bet."
The bell boy hollers, "A BET? What bet?!"
If it falls to left, I win; and if it falls to right she wins," the husband replied with a smirk.
The bell boy asks, "Well, what if it doesn't fall?"
"Then we both win," says the old man.
"Do you have any batteries?" a woman asks the hardware store clerk.
"Yes, m'am." The clerk gestures with his finger. "Can you come this way?"
"If I could come that way," the woman says, "I wouldn't need the batteries."
Pass The Mayo
A kid came home from school and asked his dad, "Dad, I heard some kids talking about a thing called a vagina. What is a vagina, and what does it look like?"
"Well, son, before sex it looks like a beautiful unopened rose."
"Wow, what does it look like after sex?"
"Well, son, have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise?"
Do you have Viagra
A lady walked into a pharmacy and spoke to the pharmacist.
She asked, "Do you have Viagra?"
"Yes," he answered.
She asked, "Does it work?"
"Absolutely," he answered.
"Can you get it over the counter?" she asked.
"I can if I take two," he answered.
A man walks up to a woman sitting alone at a bar. Okay, so I came over here to ask you to dance, but I'm kind of concerned. I mean, we could hit it off really well, end up having a few drinks, next thing you know you're giving me your number because I'm too shy to ask for it. I finally get up the nerve to call and we take in a movie, have some dinner. I relax, you relax, we go out a few more times, get to know each other's friends, spend a lot of time together, then finally get past this sexual tension and develop this intense sex life, that is truly incredible. Decide our relationship is solid and stable, so we move in together.
Then a few months later get married, I get a promotion, you get a promotion, we buy a bigger house. You really want kids, but I really want freedom, but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful, the sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely kids. Now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you. Now you're stressed and stop taking good care of yourself. So to get past our slow sex life and my declining self-confidence I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification. You find out because I'm careless and a lousy liar, you throw me out (justifiably so). We have to explain to the kids why mommy and daddy are splitting up. That's just too sad. Think about the children. So, for God's sake, if you dance with me and we hit it off, let's just keep it sexual, because we both know where it's going. What do ya say
Are They Real?
A woman goes to the doctor's office and says, "Doctor, I've got a strange problem and I need your opinion."
"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" he asked.
"Well, it's easier if I show you," she said, and standing up, proceeded to undress. When she was down to her underwear, she sat on the edge of the examining table and spread her legs to reveal two small green circles on her inner thighs.
"They don't hurt or anything, but I was a little worried about them."
The doctor peered closely at the two circles and asked, "Are you a lesbian, by any chance?"
Embarrassed and slightly taken aback by this question coming from a man with his head between her thighs, she replied, "Well, yes, I am actually. Why do you ask?"
"Well, I'm afraid you'll have to tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren't real gold."
Latest News from the war front
France and Germany have gotten together and decided to help with the war in Iraq by donating some of their most up to date Equipment
it is similar to the Halftrack vehicles that the Germans used in WW 2
The 10 Commandments of July 4
• Light not thy fireworks in fields of dry brush, nor in thy dwelling-place, nor in thy vehicle.
• Put not thy sparkler in thy eye, nor in the eye of thy neighbor.
• Put not fireworks in the hands of babes.
• Discharge not thy firearms in celebratory glee.
• Put not charcoal briquettes in thy gas grill.
• Drive, and drink not. Drink, and drive not.
• Park not in forbidden zones at parades and fireworks shows.
• Wear not immodest clothes if thine flesh be unsightly.
• Leave not thy potato salad in the sun.
• Put not ketchup on thy frankfurter.
— Beacon News staff
Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization?
Answer: Princess Diana's death:
An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whisky, (check the bottle before you change the
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles;
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines.
This is sent to you by an Canadian,
using Bill Gate's technology,
and you're probably reading this on your computer,
that use Taiwanese chips,
and a Korean monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by Indian lorry-drivers,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
and trucked to you by Mexicans.....
That, my friends, is Globalization
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Mexico. Two million Mexicans have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.
Canada is sending troops to help the Mexican army control the riots.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Other Latin American countries are sending supplies.
The European community (except France) is sending food and money.
The United States, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Mexicans.
Jack and Betty are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.
"Betty, I was wondering -- have you ever cheated on me?"
"Oh Jack, why would you ask such a question now? You don't want to ask that question..."
"Yes, Betty, I really want to know. Please."
"Well, all right. Yes, 3 times."
"Three? When were they?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan? Remember how one day the bank president himself came over to the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked?"
"Oh, Betty, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, that you would do such a thing for me! So, when was number 2?"
"Well, Jack, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon would touch you? Remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here, to do the surgery himself, and then you were in good shape again?"
"I can't believe it! Betty, I love that you should do such a thing for me, to save my life! I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. To do such a thing, you must really love me darling. I couldn't be more moved. When was number 3?"
"Well, Jack, remember a few years ago, when you really wanted to be president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?"
Albert and Ann were celebrating their 50th year of marriage, when it was noticed that Albert was looking out a window of the old Brown stone with a tear in his eye.
One of his long time friends went to him, and he asked what was wrong?
"I was just thinking." He said. "It was 50 years ago today that I married Ann! Do you know that I was going to shoot her on our wedding night, because I found that I made a horrible mistake in marrying her?"
He sobbed a little, and he said, "Yes, it is true! I was going to kill her! I had the pistol out, and I aimed it at her as she slept!"
His friend asked, "Why? Why would you even think like that?"
Another sob, and he turned to his friend and said, "The reasons are not so important now! The thing is, as I aimed the gun at her head, I thought of what would happen to me if I killed her. I would be sent to prison for 20 years, and I stopped, and I put down the gun!" With this the man started to cry openly.
The Old Friend did all he could do to consol the lifelong friend, and he said, "Don't worry about such things. We all think about doing that to our wife from time to time!"
Albert looked at him with tears welling in his eyes, and he sobbed, "You do not understand! Had I killed her, and had I gone to jail for twenty years, by now, I would have been a free man for the last thirty years!"
NINETEEN THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 50 YEARS TO LEARN
1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
5. And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
10. Never lick a steak knife.
11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
12. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
13. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.
14. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
15. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
16. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
19. Your friends love you anyway.