FUN FACTS ABOUT CALIFORNIA: THE DIRECTOR'S CUT
Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless, and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.
This week, grab your surfboard because we're headed to the shores of sunny California, so let's get started...
California is a large state on the western coast of the US which is inhabited by people who snuck into the state and live off the hard-earned money of the working class, or, as the locals refer to them, actors.
The main export of California is fine wine, which is quite similar to French wine, except that it's less cowardly and annoying.
California was originally part of Mexico, and many of its cities still have Mexican names, like Los Angeles, which means "City of Beating up Rodney King"
California requires that all cars sold in the state run on a special environmentally friendly fuel composed of 50% gasoline and 50% tofu.
California used to be covered by thick forests of giant redwood trees, but these have all been cut down to make nightsticks for beating black motorists.
The state motto of California is "Eureka!", a Greek word meaning "Dude!"
More turkeys are raised in California than in any other state, and most of them get released from Hollywood during the summer.
The Hollywood Bowl is the world's largest outdoor amphitheater and will be hosting next week's IMAO podcast with the re-formed Monty Python as the opening act.
Buy your tickets now or we'll send the IMAO goon squad after you.
Californians can be easily identified by their deep, golden tans and fake green cards.
California experiences 500,000 detectable seismic tremors every year. Coincidentally, that's the same number of steps taken annually by Michael Moore during his trips to the refrigerator.
The average earthquake in California only lasts about 10 seconds. Coincidentally, that's the same amount of time between the beginning of a typical Michael Moore movie and the time someone yells, "THIS SUCKS!"
The state animal of California is the Grizzly Bear, which, sadly, has been hunted to near extinction by roving hordes of the undead who feast on their tender brains.
California recently legalized the use of marijuana for medicinal purposes. Research is currently underway to investigate any possible healing powers possessed by hookers.
Many cities in California have outlawed the possession of handguns - however mace, pepper spray, and light sabers are still perfectly legal for self-defense.
You do, however, need a special permit to use force lightning.
San Francisco, has a large, free-spirited population of homosexuals, most of whom are safely confined to a gulag on Castro Street.
Clint Eastwood retired from acting to become the Mayor of Carmel, California, where he spends his days sipping whiskey and pistol-whipping Mexicans.
Many people hope that California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will run for President someday, but unfortunately the Constitution specifically forbids the election of people who are unable to pronounce the word "Calee-forn-ee-uh".
Luckily there's no such restriction for "nu-cu-lar".
California is impervious to terrorist attacks because the noxious fumes from the hippies quickly render them unconscious.
Even though it's only a single state, California has the 7th largest economy in the world, 90% of which comes from the sale of breast implants.
Arnold Schwarzeneggar won California's special recall election in 2003 by running on the slogan of "I will crush my enemies, see them driven before me, and hear the lamentation of the girly men!"
California produces 17 million gallons of wine each year, which is enough to get Frank J. drunk 340 million times... if Frank were the kind of froo-froo sissy-pants who actually drank wine, that is.
Fallbrook, California is known the Avacado Capital of the World, a fact about which nobody outside the city gives a damn.
California became the 31st state on September 9th 1850 after winning it's independence from Mexico by defeating them in a brutal game of tiddlywinks.
California is famous for it's many elite golf courses, including Palm Springs, Pebble Beach, and No Blacks or Women.
In 1906, the city of San Francisco was razed to the ground by fires and earthquakes. Fortunately the local homosexual population was able to Queer Eye it back together in a matter of days.
The first person to receive a star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame was Joanne Woodward in 1960. The last person was SpongeBob Squarepants.
Pauley Shore is still waiting.
Ronald Reagan was elected to two terms as Governor of California in exchange for his promise not to make a sequel to "Bedtime for Bonzo".
That wraps up the California edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be heading into the Rocky Mountains of Colorado.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go watch a Michael Moore Movie... THIS SUCKS!
Sung to the music of dixie
"Working Where The Sun Don't Shine"
(The Colorectal Surgeon's Song)
We praise the colorectal surgeon
Misunderstood and much maligned
Slaving away in the heart of darkness
Working where the sun don't shine.
Respect the colorectal surgeon
It's a calling few would crave
Lift up your hands and join us
Let's all do the finger wave.
When it comes to spreading joy
There are many techniques
Some spread joy to the world
And others just spread cheeks.
Some may think the cardiologist
Is their best friend
But the colorectal surgeon knows...
He'll get you in the end!
Why the colorectal surgeon?
It's one of those mysterious things.
Is it because in that profession
There are always openings?
When I first met a colorectal surgeon
He did not quite understand;
I said, "Hey it's nice to meet you
But do you mind if we don't shake hands."
He sailed right through medical school
Because he was a whiz
Oh but he never thought of psychology
Though he read passages
A doctor he wanted to be
For golf he loved to play
But this is not quite what he meant...
By eighteen holes a day!
Praise the colorectal surgeon
Misunderstood and much maligned
Slaving away in the heart of darkness
Working where the sun don't shine!
What Is Worse Then Finding A Finger In your Chili At Wendy's?
Finding A hand in your pants at the Neverland Ranch!!!!!!!!
This was written by a black guy in Texas with a great sense of humor..
> When I born, I black,
> when I grow up, I black
> when I go in sun, I black,
> when I cold, I black,
> when I scared, I black,
> when I sick, I black,
> and when I die, I still black.
> You white folks...
> when you born, you pink,
> when you grow up, you white
> when you go in sun, you red,
> when you cold, you blue,
> when you scared, you yellow
> when you sick, you green,
> when you bruised, you purple
> and when you die, you gray.
> So who you callin' colored folk's ?
Idiot of the Day Notebook
Man arrested in women's outhouse tank
ALBANY — A 45-year-old Gardiner, Maine, man was arrested Sunday on criminal trespass charges after a teenage girl found him staring at her from below an outhouse seat, police said.
Police pulled Gary Moody from the waste tank under a log cabin outhouse off the Kancamagus Highway at about 12:30 p.m. Sunday.
"We had to decontaminate him," said Capt. Jon Hebert of the Carroll County Sheriff's Department, adding that firefighters hosed the man down before police handcuffed him.
"We treated him as if he were hazardous material," Hebert said.
Moody, 45, of Nash Road in Gardiner, was arrested Sunday in the area of the Lower Falls off the Kancamagus Highway in the White Mountain National Forest, a popular swimming hole. He was charged with criminal trespass. Police said he may face additional charges.
Carroll County Sheriff's Department investigating officer Jon Hebert could not be reached immediately yesterday for comment.
Moody is free on $250 personal recognizance bail and is scheduled to answer the criminal trespass charge at 8:30 a.m. on July 19 in the District Court of Northern Carroll County.
According to papers on file at the court, Moody has owned the Winsor Convenience Store in Winsor, Maine, for the past four years and has a previous drunk driving conviction.
TOP 20 SIGNS YOU'RE FROM DELAWARE COUNTY (PA)
Someone who apparently knows Delco
1. You've done extensive landscaping work during the summers.
2. You get annoyed when the snobs you work with in the King of Prussia area have no idea what a "twin home" or a "student loan" is.
3. It took you 5+ years to graduate from a state school (chances are you attended a satellite campus with the word DELCO in the title for the first two years).
4. You believe "bar crawls" a.k.a., a "Pike Hike" is something that is normal when you're well past your early twenties.
5. You constantly complain about going to the same bars and seeing the same people, yet when you venture somewhere "outside your realm", you huddle in the corner with your friends and talk about how everyone in this place is a tool/geek/spaz/etc.
6. You have a DUI.
7. Your father has mutliple DUI's.
8. Your source of "world news" is the DELCO TIMES....yes, that's right, the paper that had a snapshot from the Marple Newtown / Ridley field hockey game on the front cover the day after the Tsunami hit.
9. You know what a "day load" is....and better yet...... you know how to put one on and make it until 2 a.m.
10. You're sick and tired of explaining to people that you're not too old for Sea Isle. Don't apologize for the fact that you have no desire to go to Avalon and Stone Harbor and begin drinking at a "reasonable hour." I'll see you at the "No Shower" happy hour or catch you on the next Erin Express. If you don't what either of those are, you shouldn't be reading this list .
11. Not only does the following sentence make sense to you, it describes your favorite day of the year: "Today I'm taking the trolley from the Trophy Tavern down to the El to go to the parade." Say that sentence to one of those Episcopal/St. Joe's Prep/Malvern grads you work with and get ready for the most confused look you've ever seen.
12. You're a bartender (or you may be a 26 yr. old barBACK waiting for your "big break")
13. You have shared a bedroom at your parent's house with a sibling at a weird age (we'll ballpark this at 16 and above. very weird.)
14. You can't accept the fact that it's not normal to go out drinking hard on weeknights past the age of 22. If you don't believe me on this one, go to Maggie O'Neill's on any random Sunday night. Even though Monday is considered the busiest day of the week for normal people, this place looks like a god damn Mardi Gras.
15. The ratio of bars to bookstores in you neighborhood is 47:1.....not quite Bryn Mawr, huh?
16. You don't spend Thankgiving day with your family, but rather start drinking in the morning on your way to see your grade school football team play. Congratulations, you're not only an alcoholic, but your glory days go back to grade school. Even Springsteen wouldn't sing about this pathetic display.
17. You walked to high school. Tell this to the same person you talked to about reason #1 and watch their eyes cross as they squeeze the keys to their Saab.
18. You have no idea what's at the end of the Blue Route (does it even end?)
19. While some refer to traveling as "backpacking through Europe", your idea is more along the lines of going to Cancun about a decade to late when you're 27 and hanging onto your youth by the skin of your teeth.
20. When describing someone else from Delco, you say their name, state that you know them, say they're a good guy/girl, and then say their high school or the parish they're from. example, "yeah, John Doe, he's a good guy, Bonner/St. Bernie's guy, coaches football for (fill in Delco school here) and bartends at (fill in Delco bar here).
A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits
stopped at was the breeding bulls. They went up to the first pen
there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times
year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said,
mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,
"This bull mated 120 times last year." The wife gave her husband a
healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could
lot from him." They walked to the third pen and it h! ad a sign
attached that said, in
capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife,
excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said,
once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was
the same cow."
NOTE: The husband's condition has been upgraded from critical to
and he should eventually make a full recovery
A minister was seated next to a Marine on a flight to Memphis, Tenn.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.
The Marine asked for a scotch and soda, which was brought and placed
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen *****s
than let liquor touch my lips."
With that the Marine handed his drink back to the attendant and said,
"Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."
During an international gynecology conference, an English doctor
and a French doctor were discussing unusual cases they had
"Only last week" the Frenchman said "a woman came to see me with
a clitoris like a melon!"
"Don't be absurd" the Brit exclaimed. "It couldn't have been that
big. My God, man, she wouldn't have been able to walk if it
"Ahh, you English, always thinking about size" replied the
Frenchman. "I was talking about the flavor!"
Club Gitmo T-Shirt Ticks Off A Starbucks Lib
RUSH: Bill in Cleveland, I'm glad you called and welcome to the program, sir.
CALLER: Hi, Rush.
CALLER: Honor to talk to you.
RUSH: Thank you, sir.
CALLER: Yeah, I got two of your Club G'itmo T-shirts yesterday and promptly wore them out of the house and about four hours later I was coming out of a Starbucks when I was assailed by an enraged liberal.
RUSH: What happened?
CALLER: He kind of lingered around after he got his beverage outside the store. When I came out, he came up to me and was glaring and said that Guantanamo Bay is a concentration camp.
CALLER: He was wearing a yarmulke so he was obviously Jewish, and my mother is Jewish, too. I looked at him and I said, "I can't believe you would even say that, comparing air-conditioning, special diet, prayer materials, and five times a day to pray, to what happened in the concentration camps."
RUSH: What did he say to that?
CALLER: He had nothing to say to that. And I looked at him, I said, "You know, what I can't understand is the three icons of the liberal party are FDR, JFK, and Clinton, and FDR put tens of thousands of American citizens in internment camps and nobody says anything about that."
CALLER: And he still couldn't say anything. It was hilarious. These things are definitely going to stir up some ire.
RUSH: Well, I'm glad that you had the courage to face this guy... at a Starbucks! But see, you've got the courage to face the guy with facts. I've never been to Starbucks. Do liberals go to Starbucks or does everybody go to Starbucks? (asking staff) Okay, everybody goes, so you can find liberals since everybody goes there. So maybe this is a good place to go once you get your Club G'itmo T-shirts, go to a Starbucks. What does your Club G'itmo T-shirt say, Bill?
CALLER: The one I was wearing yesterday was, "Your tropical retreat from the stress of jihad."
CALLER: He could not deal with it, and then, "I listen to Rush Limbaugh." I had the facts at my fingertips. When I hit him up with that he was just stunned. He couldn't say anything, just shook his head and walked away.
RUSH: Oh, oh, oh, that must have done it when you told him you listened to me. Did this informed and erudite liberal have any idea where the Club G'itmo T-shirt came from?
CALLER: Of course, it says www.RushLimbaugh.com on the back.
RUSH: Well, I know, but did he see that?
CALLER: Yes, he did.
RUSH: He saw that before he reacted.
CALLER: Right before he confronted me.
RUSH: Bill… (Laughing.)
CALLER: These are going to be fun. I've already ordered my third shirt and a hat and a coffee mug. In fact, I'll be drinking my Starbucks out of the coffee mug as soon as it arrives.
RUSH: Yes, I was going to suggest that! (Laughing) Take the Jihad Java coffee mug into Starbucks with your Club G'itmo T-shirt. All right, Bill, thanks much. Bill, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I want you to hang on. I'm going to send you the fourth -- whatever shirt you wanted, you say you just ordered your third one, did you say?
CALLER: I'm going to.
RUSH: Okay, well, hang on. Don't do it, and we'll send you one. I'm going to send you one as a gift.
CALLER: Thank you.
RUSH: Do you have a coffee mug yet or not?
CALLER: I ordered that, yeah.
RUSH: Okay. All right. Well, I'll send you another one of those in case some liberal breaks it in Starbucks, so you can have a backup. So hang on here, we'll get all your information necessary to get the T-shirt. You pick the one you want, the size, and the Jihad Java mug will also be on its way to you. That's Bill in Cleveland with our first reported encounter of a Club G'itmo T-shirt in Cleveland at Starbucks with a liberal.
A Marine squad was marching north of Bagdad when they came upon an insurgent soldier badly injured and unconscious. Nearby, on the opposite side of the road, was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert. As first aid was given to both men, the Marine was asked what had happened.
The Marine reported, "I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. Seeing each other we both took cover. I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable low-life scumbag, and he yelled back that Teddy Kennedy is a rich, good-for-nothing fat drunk."
"We were standing there shaking hands when a truck hit us."
Butthole of the world
The sheriff of the small town pulled over a Porsche that was doing 75 miles per hour in a 35-mile an hour zone. The wealthy man behind the wheel was steaming. When he was finally brought before the local magistrate, he exploded, "I can't believe you stopped me. This town must be the butthole of the world!"
The magistrate looked at him and replied, "And you must be what's passing through."
A gay man walks into a country bar and says, "I just want everyone to know that I'm gay, but I won't hit on anyone. I just like country music."
The bartender says that it's okay and the man stays.
The next day the gay man comes back with another guy and says, "This is my brother. I just want everyone to know that we're gay, but we won't hit on anyone. We just like country music."
The bartender again says that is okay and the men stay.
Again, the next day the man comes back, but this time he is with even more men and says, "These are my cousins and my brother. I just want everyone to know that we're gay, but we won't hit on anyone. We just like country music."
The bartender finally gets curious and asks, "Hey, doesn't ANYONE in your family like girls?"
The gay man replies, "Yeah, but she doesn't like country music."
Getting It Down Under
An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. And after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman," he says. "But if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"
Little Mary was out with her grandmother when they came across a couple of dogs having sex on the sidewalk.
"What are they doing, Grandma?" asked the little girl.
The grandmother was embarrassed, so she said, "The dog on top has hurt his paw, and the one underneath is carrying him to the doctor."
"They're just like people, aren't they Grandma?"
"How do you mean?" asked the grandmother.
"Offer someone a helping hand," said Mary, "and they screw you every time!"
Be Nice to Your Nurse
When you're hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse, even when you're feeling miserable. A bossy businessman learned the hard way after ordering his nurses around as if they were his employees. But the head nurse stood up to him. One morning she entered his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" "Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation."