Chuckles of the Day...

You find automatic transmissions confusing.
You refer to an armadillo as a possum in a half shell.
Being designated driver means you're limited to a six pack.
You snorkel in a waterbed.
You have more gas than your car.
The U.S. Government declares your back yard a national wildlife sanctuary.
You are afraid to let your four year old daughter talk to the priest.
You have more hair on your back than on your head.
You have baby ostriches living on your back porch.
Your wife needs to stand on a plastic five gallon bucket to get into the truck.
Your shirts are "3X-Large" but should be "5X-Large."
Your good furniture is just some old seats from a van.
You wonder why the feed you just put out for your animals keeps disappearing.
You shave your cat to put hair on your head.
You take your newborn to the grocery store to be weighed on the produce scale.
You use your bowling bag as a suitcase.
Your cabinet doubles as a guest room.
Your girlfriend lives with her other boyfriend.
You need a bank loan to finance your next hunting trip.
Your idea of an open air cruise involves circling the pizza place with your top down.
Every time you break up with your girlfriend you get to sort out the gifts you gave her, after taking them off the hood of your pick up.
You think NASCAR is better than sex.
The kids at school know your dad by his CB Handle rather than his name.
You spend more than two hours at the local garage drinking coffee.
If your mower has more miles than your car.
Your car breaks down on the side of the road and you never go back to get it.
Your greatest accomplishment is the 10-pound turnip you grew.
Any of your hobbies require dogs and a lantern.
You think people who have electricity are uppity.
You know how to milk a goat.
You've ever committed a crime with a lawn mower.
Your best friends are named Skeeter and Possum.
You've ever hollered, "You kids quit playing on that sheet metal."
Your idea of water conservation is moving your Saturday night bath to every other Saturday night.
You idea of a summer vacation is running through a sprinkler in the front yard.
You've ever named a child for a good dog.
There are four pairs of pants and two squirrels hanging from your clothesline.
Your local newspaper has a front-page feature called "Cow of the Week."
You don't need a clean shirt to go to work.
You bum a dip from your mother.
You have the entire WWF slurpie cup collection proudly displayed on a shelf in your trailer.
Your favorite mixed drink includes Yoo-Hoo.
You think "Hooked on Phonics" is a fishing show.
You've ever attended a dance at the bus station.
Your guest bedroom is also your tool shed.
You spend 3 days in line for Reba tickets.
You can't keep your cats out of your car at night because the interior smells like fried chicken.
You think French onion dip is an exotic tobacco product.
You drive more than 30 miles to save money on a pack of cigarettes.
You spend most of your time in the Laundromat so you can watch TV.
Grass is growing in the floorboards of your car.
The highlight of your day is finding the prize in a Cracker Jack box.
The auto junkyard calls you to get spare parts.
You own a flamingo with buckshot holes in it.
Your third-grade class had a no-smoking section.
Your wife left you for last year's winner of the hog-calling contest.
Your flashlight holds more than 4 batteries.
It took the smartest kid in your 6th-grade class 3 times to pass his driving test.
You cut your wedding cake with a chain saw.
You cut your toenails in front of company.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
You ask for the honeymoon suite at the Motel 6.
You hear a siren and your first instinct is to hide.
You use a bedsheet as a sofa cover.
You use the shaving cream made for tough beards...and so does your husband.
You regularly see kinfolks on "America's Most Wanted."
You refuse to slide in softball because you don't want to crush your cigarettes.
The emergency room nurse knows everyone in your family by name.
Your car has more than two exhaust pipes.
People come to your door mistakenly thinking you have an auto salvage business.
Your house plants aren't in pots.
You wear a tank top to your mother's funeral.
Your front yard looks like Toys R Us after a tornado.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
Everything you won at the fair is hanging from your rearview mirror.
You've ever accepted an invitation written on a bathroom wall.
Making beer is a neighborhood project.
You've ever gotten into a fist fight in a Laundromat over a dryer.
There is a restraining order on your pets.
You secretly get your firewood from your neighbor's yard.
Your best jacket has an advertisement on the back of it.
Your car insurance deductible is higher than the value of your car.
Your 5-year-old can rebuild a carburetor.
You take a nap with at least one hand tucked inside your pants.
In preparation for your upcoming wedding, you register your Tupperware pattern.
You consider tattooing a do-it-yourself job.
One of your fantasies involves a bulldozer.
You are famous for your impression of a dog choking on a chicken bone.
You were expelled from summer school.
You've ever been asked for your autograph at a rattlesnake roundup.
You attend a parent-teacher conference wearing flip-flops.
Your baby's crib mobile is made out of beer cans.
You've ever been asked to leave Shoney's all-you-can-eat breakfast.
Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
Your picture is on the wall of more than 3 bait stores.
Your favorite NASCAR souvenir is the result of a wreck.
You buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives.
You've ever used a laundromat as a mailing address.
You have a grave in your front yard.
You've ever stolen toilet paper.
You think the theory of relativity has something to do with inbreeding.
Your deceased hunting dog's tombstone is larger than your grandfather's.
You wake up in the morning already dressed for work.
You think the police can't see you because your truck is painted camouflage.
Your car ashtray is so packed, you can't get it out.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
You're driving a vehicle with no original body parts.
You quit your job because deer season's fixin' to start.
Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
You punish your children by taking away their chewing tobacco.
You use the "O" on the stop sign in front of your house to sight your new rifle.
You've ever gotten carbon monoxide poisoning while driving your vehicle.
You screen door has no screen.
You open beer bottles with your belt buckle.
You've ever filled your deer tag on a golf course.
There is a trophy in your house with the word "spitting" on it.
You've ever shot someone over a mall parking space.
Your church has a "happy hour."
Your family reunion is sponsored by a beer company.
The receptionist is responsible for checking the rat raps at your place of business.
There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
You think every bottle of wine comes with a screw cap.
You wear your softball uniform even on the days you're not playing.
Your pickup truck used to be a car.
Your favorite fishing lure is TNT.
Your dates regularly expect you to light their cigars.
You stockpile pork and beans.
Your daddy handed out cigarettes the day you were born.
You spit on your own floor.
You use baling wire to keep your car door closed.
Your mom is lighting bottle rockets with her cigarette while walking the children on Halloween.
You've ever lost your wife in a game of poker.
Your house feels a bit lonely when winter comes and the last fly dies.
You send your kid in for treatment because you think he's hooked on phonics.

Sempers,

Roger

So.. I was just wonderin... If we don't match one of these, we ain't no redneck, right?

Barrio_Rat.....your not a redneck then.........


A woman was upset that her husband never spent any time with her. He was always at the golf course. To spend more time with him, she decided to take lessons from the pro.

At the first lesson, the pro asked her to step up to the tee and hit a few balls to see how well she hit. She was TERRIBLE! She could only hit the ball 20 yards.

The pro said, "I think I see your problem. You need to take the club and hold it like you hold your husband's penis."

The next thing you know, she is hitting the ball straight down the fairway, and at least 200 yards.

The pro said "That is much better, but now you need to take the club out of your mouth and use your hands this time!"

Sempers,

Roger

The answer to the eternal question, "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?"

Michael Jordan made over $300,000 a game. That equals $10,000 a minute, at
an average of 30 minutes per game. With $40 million in endorsements, he
made $178,100 a day, working or not.

If he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of
sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550
while he's there.

If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He
makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage.

He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends. If he wanted to
save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.

If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would
have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be
reimbursed $33,390 for that round.

Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into a tax
deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 at 8:30 a.m.
on January 1st.

If you were given a penny for every 10 dollars he made, you 'd be living
comfortably at $65,000 a year.

He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics.

He'll make about $15,600 during the Boston Marathon. While the common
person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant,
he'll pull in about $5600.

This year, he'll make more than twice as much as all U.S. past presidents
for all of their terms combined.

Amazing isn't it?

However, if Jordan saves 100% of his income for the next 250 years, he'll
still have less than Bill Gates has today.

Game over. Nerd wins.

Sempers,

Roger

A salesman is driving down a country road one day
when his car broke down. There was a farm near by,
so he went up to ask for some help. The farmer
suggested that his daughter, Nelly, could give him
a ride into town to get the necessary parts for
his car. Nelly was an innocent girl, the epitome
of virginal beauty.

Nelly and the salesman were on their way into town
when he convinced her to pull over to the side of
the road to enlighten her about the facts of life.
They had some down and dirty sex all over the car,
and then went into town to get the car parts. By
the time they got into town, the auto store was
closed, so they had to return to the farm. The
farmer allowed the salesman to spend the night in
the barn and get his car fixed in the morning.

The next morning the salesman went up to the
farmhouse to get Nelly so she could give him a
ride into town. Nelly was gone, however, and her
sister Venus opened the door. Venus was very unlike
Nelly. She was sexy, voluptuous, and really even a
bit sleazy.
Venus volunteered to give the salesman a ride into
town, and off they went. Venus did the convincing
this time, and the salesman
had the "ride" of his life. They eventually made it
back to the farm with the parts, and the salesman
fixed his car.
He thanked the farmer, left his address to they
could keep in touch in the future, and went on his
merry way.

A few months later the salesman received a later
from the farmer which contained only a poem:

Were you the one who did the pushin'
Left the bloodstains on the cushion
And the footprints on the dashboard upside down?
'Cause since you met my daughter Nelly,

There's a swelling in her belly,
And you'd better get your ass back into town.

The salesman thought for a minute, and wrote the
following response:

Yes, I was the one who did the pushin'
Left the bloodstains on the cushion
And the footprints on the dashboard upside down.
But since I met your daughter Venus,
I've had some problems with my penis,
So I guess we're pretty even all around.

Sempers,

Roger

It was the last day of the school year, and Miss Figpot was talking to her fourth grade class. She asked "What will you be doing this summer?"
"Me and my family will go to the beach a lot," Suzie answered.
"That sounds like fun," said Miss Figpot. "How about you, Emma? What will you do this summer?"
"My family just bought new bikes will ride together." Emma replied enthusiastically.
"That sounds lovely," said the teacher. She continued with all her students until she got to Little Johnny in the back of the room.
"What will you do this summer, Johnny?"
"Nothing," Little Johnny responded timidly.
"Nothing? Aren't you going to do anything with your family?" she asked, trying to get Little Johnny to use his imagination.
"Nothing." He replied
"Will you go to the beach?"
"No."
"Will you ride bikes?"
"No, never!" Little Johnny burst out. "We can never ride bikes together!"
"Why not?" said the shocked Miss Figpot.

"I don't know," explained Little Johnny, "But dad always says, when mom and sis start 'cycling together', it's time to get the hell out of town."

Sempers,

Roger

As the man began walking toward the door, his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

The man replied, "I'm going to the doctor."

"Why? Are you sick?" the wife asked.

"No," the husband replied. "I'm going to get me some of those new Viagra pills."

His wife got up out of her rocker and started putting on her coat. The husband turned to her and asked, "Where are you going?"

The wife replied, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

"Why?" asked her husband.

His wife replied, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get a tetanus shot."

Sempers,

Roger

.... I just have to post this......

Pretty interesting Bones.........


The price we have to pay...............

Sempers,

Roger

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/gender/images/HELP.JPG

Now what can he be thinking....;) :D

Sempers,

Roger

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/gender/images/balance.jpg

At a small terminal in the Texas Panhandle, three strangers are awaiting their shuttle flight. One is a Native American passing through from Oklahoma. Another, a local ranch hand on his way to Ft. Worth for a stock show. The third passenger is an Arab student, newly arrived at the Texas oil patch from the Middle East.

To pass the time they strike up a conversation on recent events, and the discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon the Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout Muslim. The conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowpoke leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table, tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside blows tumbleweeds and the old windsock flaps, but no plane comes.* Finally, the Native American clears his throat and softly, he speaks: "Once my people were many, Now we are few."

The Muslim raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few, "he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is? "

The Texan shifts the toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the
darkness beneath his Stetson says,

"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet. "

Good One NamNuts.........




Fair is Fair........Sorry Guys..........

Sempers,

Roger

http://www.veryfunnypics.com/gender/images/cocks.jpg

One - Relaxed
To most drinkers the first pint or whatever disappears almost unnoticed and
will have little or no effect on speech/co-ordination, etc. Conversation
will be of the polite, perfunctory variety (e.g. soaps, schooldays, sport
and the price of net curtains, etc ...). Some beer-mat flicking will be in
evidence, as the ice hasn't quite melted yet. Potentially a good time for
the politically incorrect amongst you to tell a bad taste or sexist joke.
Did you hear the one about the one-eyed Latvian and the chicken?

Two - Merry
With the taste of that naughty little intoxicant in your mouth, the second
drink is invariably downed at a much faster rate than the first, with
everyone anticipating the revelry to come. Conversation will have picked up
probably now touching on sports, soaps, schooldays - what else is there? Oh
yeah - and in non-specific detail, sex. It's time to consider your first
visit to the toilet, get a round of drinks on your way back. This is a good
time to go to buy drinks, the bar will be easily accessible and if not
everyone has shown up yet, you will get away with a smaller round, enough
said.

Three - Tipsy
Inhibitions start to break down as the alcohol puts to bed the spoilsport
part of the brain that controls reasonable behaviour. The urge to consume
copious amounts of salted bar-snacks will begin about now and last right up
until the first wave of nausea strikes. Conversation still on soaps and
sports - however, the sex talk becomes more specific and of a, "I'd give
that one" nature. Still a weight off your mind, you will have forgotten all
about the price of net curtains. Could be a good time for the first
belching contest of the evening, boys in particular go a bundle on this type
of competition.

Four - Half-cut
Voices are without doubt getting louder and the same jokes are now much,
much funnier than they seemed earlier. The incessant repetition of some
dodgy comedian's redundant catch phrase will also never fail to get laughs
... very poor. Hands on top of your pint, as anything else is an open
invitation to get to have a bar snack thrown in it. The conversation now
turns from the idle fantasy of 'partners you wished you'd had' to graphic
detail of the 'partners you've had'. Hand/eye co-ordination is now on the
difficult side, boys take care not to catch your foreskin (or anyone else's
in your zip fly. Some girls will be working up to the first of the
evening's "nobody likes me - everybody hates me" tears in the toilet crises.

Five - Drunk
Definitely the best part of the evening, everything is funny and everybody
loves each other, this is what social drinking is all about. However, it's
all downhill from now on, as those deep dark primeval urges - such as the
need to eat the flesh of a dead animal or more commonly to procreate, take
over - and man is driven to satiate these ancient desires come what may.

Six to Seven - Rat-arsed
Anything you say from now on you will regret in the morning, that's if
anybody else can remember what the hell you were talking about, but mark my
words, there's always one who will. Conversation will now be on a
one-to-one basis, as nobody possesses the necessary social skills to
interact with anybody but the person nearest them. Thoughts return to the
flesh of the opposite sex, will they ever go away? Some people expound the
theory that you always tell the truth when you're drunk, but I am more the
opinion you always say whatever is necessary to end up in the
pantyhose/y-fronts of the person you've got them most chance to do so with.
Vomiting is now a distinct possibility, a clandestine tactical chuck at this
stage of the evening is advisable as a public one later could ruin any
chance of a meaningful sexual encounter and will also leave room for a
curry.

Eight to Ten - ****-faced (alternatively Wankered)
It is now that time of the evening when your fellow drinkers undergo massive
mood changes. Some people get aggressive when they've had one over eight,
particularly those whose drink you've just hoovered. Others get maudlin,
teary and start to question the purpose of their existence of this planet.
Hey, if only they'd realize that there isn't one and that having fun down at
the pub with friends is as close as it gets. Me? I know it's hard to imagine
but I find I get even wittier, even more charming and better looking at this
stage in the proceedings. Unfortunately, nobody else seems to notice -
****heads.

Ten to Fifteen - Esperanto
For some reason you will find yourself totally fluent in Esperanto, however,
nobody shares your bilingual talent. It is also quite possible that you'll
fall over at any minute. What the hey, don't worry about it, if ever there
was a time to fall arse over tit, this is it - it won't hurt in the
slightest and if you've got any friends left in the morning you can proudly
show off your beer wounds. By now your carnal wants will be replaced by the
overwhelming desire to sleep in your own bed - if you don't live nearby, the
pavement will look ever so tempting, particularly to back-sufferers as its
orthopaedic qualities are well known.

Fifteen Plus - Clinically Dead
You'll feel like you've been eaten by a wolf and spewed out over a cliff -
but don't you worry about it, what better place to sleep off your hangover
and try desperately to remember what the hell you did the night before, than
at work. Never again till the next time (or even lunchtime), mine's a pint
and get one in for yourself - cheers then.

Sempers,

Roger

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were
amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together
again. The boy asked, "What is this, Father?"

The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, "Son, I
have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what
it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old
lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a
button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a
small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched
the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and
then as these numbers began to light in reverse order. The walls
opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly
to his son, "Go get your Mother."

Sempers,

Roger

A man decides to have a party and invites lots of people,
telling them to bring their friends. On the invitation he puts
"Theme Party: Come as a Human Emotion".

On the night of the party, the first guest arrives. He opens the
door to see a guy covered in green paint with the letters N and V
painted on his chest. He says to this guy, "Wow, great outfit, what
emotion have you come as?" The guy says, "I'm green with envy."
The host replies, "Brilliant, come on in and have a drink."

A few minutes later the next guest arrives and the host opens the
door to see a woman covered in a pink body stocking with a feather bow
wrapped round her most intimate parts. He says to this woman, "Wow,
great outfit, what emotion have you come as?" And she replies,"I'm
tickled pink." The host says, "I love it! Come on in and join the
party."

A couple of minutes later the doorbell rings for the third time,
and the host opens the door to see two guys from New York, stark
naked, one with his penis stuck in a bowl of custard and the other
with his penis stuck in a pear. The host is really shocked and says,
"Christ, guys, what the hell are you doing? You could get arrested
for standing like that out there in the street. What emotion is this
supposed to be?" The first guy replies, "Well, I'm ****in'
discustid, and my friend here has come in dis'pair."

Sempers,

Roger