You Might Be A Redneck.....
You find automatic transmissions confusing.
You refer to an armadillo as a possum in a half shell.
Being designated driver means you're limited to a six pack.
You snorkel in a waterbed.
You have more gas than your car.
The U.S. Government declares your back yard a national wildlife sanctuary.
You are afraid to let your four year old daughter talk to the priest.
You have more hair on your back than on your head.
You have baby ostriches living on your back porch.
Your wife needs to stand on a plastic five gallon bucket to get into the truck.
Your shirts are "3X-Large" but should be "5X-Large."
Your good furniture is just some old seats from a van.
You wonder why the feed you just put out for your animals keeps disappearing.
You shave your cat to put hair on your head.
You take your newborn to the grocery store to be weighed on the produce scale.
You use your bowling bag as a suitcase.
Your cabinet doubles as a guest room.
Your girlfriend lives with her other boyfriend.
You need a bank loan to finance your next hunting trip.
Your idea of an open air cruise involves circling the pizza place with your top down.
Every time you break up with your girlfriend you get to sort out the gifts you gave her, after taking them off the hood of your pick up.
You think NASCAR is better than sex.
The kids at school know your dad by his CB Handle rather than his name.
You spend more than two hours at the local garage drinking coffee.
If your mower has more miles than your car.
Your car breaks down on the side of the road and you never go back to get it.
Your greatest accomplishment is the 10-pound turnip you grew.
Any of your hobbies require dogs and a lantern.
You think people who have electricity are uppity.
You know how to milk a goat.
You've ever committed a crime with a lawn mower.
Your best friends are named Skeeter and Possum.
You've ever hollered, "You kids quit playing on that sheet metal."
Your idea of water conservation is moving your Saturday night bath to every other Saturday night.
You idea of a summer vacation is running through a sprinkler in the front yard.
You've ever named a child for a good dog.
There are four pairs of pants and two squirrels hanging from your clothesline.
Your local newspaper has a front-page feature called "Cow of the Week."
You don't need a clean shirt to go to work.
You bum a dip from your mother.
You have the entire WWF slurpie cup collection proudly displayed on a shelf in your trailer.
Your favorite mixed drink includes Yoo-Hoo.
You think "Hooked on Phonics" is a fishing show.
You've ever attended a dance at the bus station.
Your guest bedroom is also your tool shed.
You spend 3 days in line for Reba tickets.
You can't keep your cats out of your car at night because the interior smells like fried chicken.
You think French onion dip is an exotic tobacco product.
You drive more than 30 miles to save money on a pack of cigarettes.
You spend most of your time in the Laundromat so you can watch TV.
Grass is growing in the floorboards of your car.
The highlight of your day is finding the prize in a Cracker Jack box.
The auto junkyard calls you to get spare parts.
You own a flamingo with buckshot holes in it.
Your third-grade class had a no-smoking section.
Your wife left you for last year's winner of the hog-calling contest.
Your flashlight holds more than 4 batteries.
It took the smartest kid in your 6th-grade class 3 times to pass his driving test.
You cut your wedding cake with a chain saw.
You cut your toenails in front of company.
Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
You ask for the honeymoon suite at the Motel 6.
You hear a siren and your first instinct is to hide.
You use a bedsheet as a sofa cover.
You use the shaving cream made for tough beards...and so does your husband.
You regularly see kinfolks on "America's Most Wanted."
You refuse to slide in softball because you don't want to crush your cigarettes.
The emergency room nurse knows everyone in your family by name.
Your car has more than two exhaust pipes.
People come to your door mistakenly thinking you have an auto salvage business.
Your house plants aren't in pots.
You wear a tank top to your mother's funeral.
Your front yard looks like Toys R Us after a tornado.
You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
Everything you won at the fair is hanging from your rearview mirror.
You've ever accepted an invitation written on a bathroom wall.
Making beer is a neighborhood project.
You've ever gotten into a fist fight in a Laundromat over a dryer.
There is a restraining order on your pets.
You secretly get your firewood from your neighbor's yard.
Your best jacket has an advertisement on the back of it.
Your car insurance deductible is higher than the value of your car.
Your 5-year-old can rebuild a carburetor.
You take a nap with at least one hand tucked inside your pants.
In preparation for your upcoming wedding, you register your Tupperware pattern.
You consider tattooing a do-it-yourself job.
One of your fantasies involves a bulldozer.
You are famous for your impression of a dog choking on a chicken bone.
You were expelled from summer school.
You've ever been asked for your autograph at a rattlesnake roundup.
You attend a parent-teacher conference wearing flip-flops.
Your baby's crib mobile is made out of beer cans.
You've ever been asked to leave Shoney's all-you-can-eat breakfast.
Your wife's best shoes have steel toes.
Your picture is on the wall of more than 3 bait stores.
Your favorite NASCAR souvenir is the result of a wreck.
You buy a police scanner to keep up with your relatives.
You've ever used a laundromat as a mailing address.
You have a grave in your front yard.
You've ever stolen toilet paper.
You think the theory of relativity has something to do with inbreeding.
Your deceased hunting dog's tombstone is larger than your grandfather's.
You wake up in the morning already dressed for work.
You think the police can't see you because your truck is painted camouflage.
Your car ashtray is so packed, you can't get it out.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
You're driving a vehicle with no original body parts.
You quit your job because deer season's fixin' to start.
Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.
You punish your children by taking away their chewing tobacco.
You use the "O" on the stop sign in front of your house to sight your new rifle.
You've ever gotten carbon monoxide poisoning while driving your vehicle.
You screen door has no screen.
You open beer bottles with your belt buckle.
You've ever filled your deer tag on a golf course.
There is a trophy in your house with the word "spitting" on it.
You've ever shot someone over a mall parking space.
Your church has a "happy hour."
Your family reunion is sponsored by a beer company.
The receptionist is responsible for checking the rat raps at your place of business.
There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
You think every bottle of wine comes with a screw cap.
You wear your softball uniform even on the days you're not playing.
Your pickup truck used to be a car.
Your favorite fishing lure is TNT.
Your dates regularly expect you to light their cigars.
You stockpile pork and beans.
Your daddy handed out cigarettes the day you were born.
You spit on your own floor.
You use baling wire to keep your car door closed.
Your mom is lighting bottle rockets with her cigarette while walking the children on Halloween.
You've ever lost your wife in a game of poker.
Your house feels a bit lonely when winter comes and the last fly dies.
You send your kid in for treatment because you think he's hooked on phonics.
OK, OK, I can't do it anymore.....
.... I just have to post this......
Number of Drinks & Behavioural Differences
One - Relaxed
To most drinkers the first pint or whatever disappears almost unnoticed and
will have little or no effect on speech/co-ordination, etc. Conversation
will be of the polite, perfunctory variety (e.g. soaps, schooldays, sport
and the price of net curtains, etc ...). Some beer-mat flicking will be in
evidence, as the ice hasn't quite melted yet. Potentially a good time for
the politically incorrect amongst you to tell a bad taste or sexist joke.
Did you hear the one about the one-eyed Latvian and the chicken?
Two - Merry
With the taste of that naughty little intoxicant in your mouth, the second
drink is invariably downed at a much faster rate than the first, with
everyone anticipating the revelry to come. Conversation will have picked up
probably now touching on sports, soaps, schooldays - what else is there? Oh
yeah - and in non-specific detail, sex. It's time to consider your first
visit to the toilet, get a round of drinks on your way back. This is a good
time to go to buy drinks, the bar will be easily accessible and if not
everyone has shown up yet, you will get away with a smaller round, enough
Three - Tipsy
Inhibitions start to break down as the alcohol puts to bed the spoilsport
part of the brain that controls reasonable behaviour. The urge to consume
copious amounts of salted bar-snacks will begin about now and last right up
until the first wave of nausea strikes. Conversation still on soaps and
sports - however, the sex talk becomes more specific and of a, "I'd give
that one" nature. Still a weight off your mind, you will have forgotten all
about the price of net curtains. Could be a good time for the first
belching contest of the evening, boys in particular go a bundle on this type
Four - Half-cut
Voices are without doubt getting louder and the same jokes are now much,
much funnier than they seemed earlier. The incessant repetition of some
dodgy comedian's redundant catch phrase will also never fail to get laughs
... very poor. Hands on top of your pint, as anything else is an open
invitation to get to have a bar snack thrown in it. The conversation now
turns from the idle fantasy of 'partners you wished you'd had' to graphic
detail of the 'partners you've had'. Hand/eye co-ordination is now on the
difficult side, boys take care not to catch your foreskin (or anyone else's
in your zip fly. Some girls will be working up to the first of the
evening's "nobody likes me - everybody hates me" tears in the toilet crises.
Five - Drunk
Definitely the best part of the evening, everything is funny and everybody
loves each other, this is what social drinking is all about. However, it's
all downhill from now on, as those deep dark primeval urges - such as the
need to eat the flesh of a dead animal or more commonly to procreate, take
over - and man is driven to satiate these ancient desires come what may.
Six to Seven - Rat-arsed
Anything you say from now on you will regret in the morning, that's if
anybody else can remember what the hell you were talking about, but mark my
words, there's always one who will. Conversation will now be on a
one-to-one basis, as nobody possesses the necessary social skills to
interact with anybody but the person nearest them. Thoughts return to the
flesh of the opposite sex, will they ever go away? Some people expound the
theory that you always tell the truth when you're drunk, but I am more the
opinion you always say whatever is necessary to end up in the
pantyhose/y-fronts of the person you've got them most chance to do so with.
Vomiting is now a distinct possibility, a clandestine tactical chuck at this
stage of the evening is advisable as a public one later could ruin any
chance of a meaningful sexual encounter and will also leave room for a
Eight to Ten - ****-faced (alternatively Wankered)
It is now that time of the evening when your fellow drinkers undergo massive
mood changes. Some people get aggressive when they've had one over eight,
particularly those whose drink you've just hoovered. Others get maudlin,
teary and start to question the purpose of their existence of this planet.
Hey, if only they'd realize that there isn't one and that having fun down at
the pub with friends is as close as it gets. Me? I know it's hard to imagine
but I find I get even wittier, even more charming and better looking at this
stage in the proceedings. Unfortunately, nobody else seems to notice -
Ten to Fifteen - Esperanto
For some reason you will find yourself totally fluent in Esperanto, however,
nobody shares your bilingual talent. It is also quite possible that you'll
fall over at any minute. What the hey, don't worry about it, if ever there
was a time to fall arse over tit, this is it - it won't hurt in the
slightest and if you've got any friends left in the morning you can proudly
show off your beer wounds. By now your carnal wants will be replaced by the
overwhelming desire to sleep in your own bed - if you don't live nearby, the
pavement will look ever so tempting, particularly to back-sufferers as its
orthopaedic qualities are well known.
Fifteen Plus - Clinically Dead
You'll feel like you've been eaten by a wolf and spewed out over a cliff -
but don't you worry about it, what better place to sleep off your hangover
and try desperately to remember what the hell you did the night before, than
at work. Never again till the next time (or even lunchtime), mine's a pint
and get one in for yourself - cheers then.