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He is extremely drunk
Late one Friday night the policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. They pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.
"Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness - couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later .." And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection.
The officer sighed, and said, "Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test."
Indignantly, the man said, "Why? Don't ye believe me?!"
-
Things to ponder
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
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You might be a redneck if ...
The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll wear to the 4-H Fair.
You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.
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Question and answer Christmas joke
Q: How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ?
A: Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"
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Subject: Will Rogers
> Will Rogers, who died in a plane crash with Wylie Post in 1935, was
> probably the greatest political sage this country has ever known. Enjoy
> the following:
>
>
>
>
>
> 1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.
>
>
>
>
>
> 2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.
>
>
>
>
>
> 3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.
>
>
>
>
>
> 4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
>
>
>
>
>
> 5. Always drink upstream from the herd.
>
>
>
>
>
> 6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.
>
>
>
>
>
> 7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in
> your pocket.
>
>
>
>
>
> 8. There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading. The few
> who learn by observation. The rest of them have to pee on the electric
> fence and find out for themselves.
>
>
>
>
>
> 9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad
> judgment.
>
>
>
>
>
> 10. If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and
> then to make sure it's still there.
>
>
>
>
>
> 11. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it
back.
>
>
>
>
>
> 12. After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started
> roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The
moral:
>
> When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
>
>
-
More from Will Rodgers
ABOUT GROWING OLDER..
>
>
>
>
>
> First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your
> age and start bragging about it.
>
>
>
>
>
> Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line
for.
>
>
>
>
>
> Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want
> people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some
of
> the roads weren't paved.
>
>
>
>
>
> Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
> think of Algebra.
>
>
>
>
>
> Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or
> leaks.
>
>
>
>
>
> Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
>
>
>
>
>
> Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it
is
> such a nice change from being young.
>
>
>
>
>
> Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
>
>
>
>
>
> Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
>
>
>
>
>
> Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was
> called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.
>
>
>
>
>
> And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have
> anything to laugh at when you are old.
-
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with
An oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and
still heavily sedated from a four hour operation.
A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.
"Nurse", he mumbles from behind the mask,
"Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies,
"I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."
He struggles again to ask,
"Nurse, Are my testicles black?"
Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown,
holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her
other hand and takes a close look and says,
"There's nothing wrong with them!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask and says very slowly,
"That was very nice but listen very, very closely
- - - are.......... my...........test..........results..........back?
-
YOU KNOW YOU'RE A DRUNK:
Your liver is in the Federal Witness Protection Program.
You enjoy cooking with wine, and sometimes you even put it in the food.
You’ve only been drunk once in your life, and so far it’s lasted twenty-three years.
You liver has a restraining order on you.
You can tell the difference between a bottle of Jack and a bottle of Jim by the sound they make hitting the back of your head.
Alcoholism doesn’t run in your family—it takes its own sweet time.
You’ve been cut off during communion.
You wonder why they call it Southern Comfort when they know damn well there is nothing comfortable about being handcuffed in the back of a squad car.
Growing-up means buying better booze, getting older means getting used to the cheap stuff again.
You miss the old days when you were younger than the cop that finds you sleeping in a dumpster.
You were excited about the Olsen twins turning “legal” until you realized they still aren’t old enough to buy you a drink.
You resent it when people call you a raving alcoholic, because you’ve never been to a rave in your life.
-
Why Engineers Don't Write Recipe Books
Chocolate Chip Cookies:
Ingredients:
1. 532.35 cm3 gluten
2. 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3
3. 4.9 cm3 refined halite
4. 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride
5. 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11
6. 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11
7. 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde
8. Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein
9. 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao
10. 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10)
To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation. In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation. Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.
Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm). Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown. Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.
-
Real newspaper headlines
These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the United States and world.
These are actual newspaper headlines gathered from papers across the country.
Stud Tires Out
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
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Answering machine message 141
Hello, I'm not here right now. In fact, I'm out getting a new parakeet. If you leave a message after the beep, I'll be sure to get back to you. Oh, and by the way, a word of advice; never try to clean a parakeet cage with a vacuum cleaner.
-
Boarding from what gate?
At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35.
So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate. Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program
-
What causes people to have arthritis?
A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, father, what causes arthritis?"
"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well I'll be." the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?"
"I don't have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
-
Question and answer blonde joke
Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes
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Bumper stickers 14
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
You have the right to remain silent....Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization
