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Stupid people awards
The 2000 Darwin awards!
(16 August 1999, Germany) A hunter from Bad Urach was shot dead by his own dog on Monday. The 51-year-old man was found sprawled next to his car in the Black Forest. A gun barrel was pointing out the window, and his bereaved dog was howling inside the car. The animal is presumed to have pressed the trigger with its paw. Police have ruled out foul play.
A quote on marriage
Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
An old occupation
What happens when people of different occupations get old.
- Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
- Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
- Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
- Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
Robert Schmidt joke
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
Purchasing the brain
A client of a hospital where they made brain transplantations asked about the prices.
The doctor said, "Well, this Ph.D. brain costs $10,000. This brain belonged to a NASA top scientist and costs $15,000. Here we have a policeman's brain as well. It costs $50,000."
The client asked, "What? How's that possible?"
The doctor replied, "You see, it's totally unused."
Things to ponder
I love playing cards with children. They can't tell you're dealing off the bottom of the deck.
Remember: you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar... Of course, how you spend your leisure time is your business.
A man's best friend is his dog. That's assuming you want a friend who messes on your carpet and drools on your newspaper.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn't be one of those people who immediately quit their jobs. I'd make my boss's life a living hell for a week or two first.
You might be a redneck if ...
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a day care.
The politically correct Christmas
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:
TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration,
(NOTE: after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
THREE deconstructionist poets
TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and...
ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
Merry Christmas Happy Chanukah. Good Kwanzaa. Blessed Yule. Happy Holidays! (unless otherwise prohibited by law)*
*Unless, of course, you are suffering from Seasonally Affected Disorder (SAD). If this be the case, please substitute this gratuitous call for celebration with suggestion that you have a thoroughly adequate day.
Subject: The Year is 1904 ....
The Year is 1904
Maybe this will boggle your mind, I know it did mine! The year is 1904. one hundred years ago. What a difference a century makes! Here are some of the US statistics for 1904:
The average life expectancy in the US was 47 years.
Only 14 percent of the homes in the US had a bathtub.
Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost $11.00
There were only 8,000 cars in the US, and only 144 miles of paved roads.
The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st most populous state in the Union.
The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
The average wage in the US was 22 cents an hour.
The average US worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year.
A veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year.
A mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
More than 95 percent of all births in the US took place at home.
Ninety percent of all US physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."
Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen.
Coffee was fifteen cents a pound.
Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason.
The five leading causes of death in the US were:
1. Pneumonia and influenza
2. Tuberculosis
3. Diarrhea
4. Heart disease
5. Stroke
The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30!
Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
Two of 10 US adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated high school.
Marijuana, heroin, andmorphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health." (Shocking)!
Eighteen percent of households in the US had at least one full-time servant or domestic.
There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire US
And I forwarded this from someone else without typing it myself, and sent it to you in a matter of seconds! Try to imagine what it may be like in another 100 years ... it staggers the mind
I consider Wal-Mart to be God's gift to shoppers.
Literally, here are the similitudes I have noticed
between the kingdom of Heaven and the
Kingdom of Everyday Low Prices.
Heaven: St. Peter greets you at the gates
Wal-Mart: Some old geezer named Peter
greets you at the automatic doors
Heaven: Eternal
Wal-Mart: Open 24 hours
Heaven: Where old people go when they expire
Wal-Mart: Where old people go when the retire
Heaven: Plenty of Room for everyone who loves God
Wal-Mart: Plenty of Parking for Everyone
Heaven: Golden-haired angels shouting the glory of God
Wal Mart: Purple-haired obese women shouting
for a price check on diapers
Heaven: Salvation and redemption no matter what your sin
Wal-Mart: Full money refund on no matter what your complaint
Heaven: EDLP = Every Do-gooder lives peacefully
Wal-Mart: EDLP = Every day low prices
Heaven: Sam Walton -- now a resident!
Wal-Mart: Sam's choice cola -- now on sale!
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
A man who worked for the fire department came home from work one day and told his wife....
You know, we have a pretty good system at the Fire Station.
Bell #1 rings and we all put on our jackets.
Bell #2 rings, we all slide down the pole.
Bell #3 rings and we're ready to get on the trucks.
From now on we're going to run this house the same way. When I say Bell #1, you strip naked. When I say Bell #2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell #3, We're going to have sex all night.
The next night the man came home and yelled BELL #1...and his wife took off her clothes.
BELL #2, his wife jumped into bed.
BELL #3, they began having sex.
After 2 minutes, his wife yelled...
BELL #4, What's Bell #4, he asked her. More hose, she said...your nowhere near the fire!
Little Johnny and Susie are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance... Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."
:banana:
Hey guys eat your heart out, anotherlady outsmarted us
Ed Palmer
Semper Fi
Subject: Fwd: Ladies Night
In a message dated 8/25/2004 3:29:21 PM Pacific Daylight Time,Ruth:
Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of
the
girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10
bill.
When the male dancer came over to us,
my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his left butt
cheek!
Not to be outdone, another friend pulled out a $20 bill. She
called
the
guy back, licked the $20 bill, and stuck it to his right butt
cheek. In an attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend
pulled out a $50 bill, called the guy over, and licked the $50
bill.
I was worried
about the way things were going, but fortunately, she just stuck
the
fifty to his left butt cheek again.
My relief was short-lived. The guy raced over to me!!! Now
everyone's
attention was focused on me, and the guy was egging me on to try
top
the $50.
My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet.
What could I do????
The woman in me took over! I got out my ATM card, swiped it down
the
crack of his ass, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left.
Dear Sirs:
I have the solution for the prevention of hijackings, and at the same time
getting our airline industry back on its feet.
Since men of the Muslim religion are not allowed to look at naked women we
should replace all of our female flight attendants with strippers. Muslims would
be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing a naked woman, and of
course, every businessman in this country would start flying again in hope of
seeing a naked woman. Hijackings would end and the airline industry would have
record sales.
Why didn't Bush think of this?
Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton